I have a secret to tell from my electrical well. It's a simple message and I'm leaving out the whistles and bells. So the room must listen to me filibuster vigilantly. My name is Blue Canary One Note Spelled L-I-T-E. My story's infinite. Like the Longines Symphonette it doesn't rest...
- They Might Be Giants, "Birdhouse in Your Soul"
"Ten Things You May Not Have Known About Lenar Clark"
Any time I steal an idea from someone else's blog, it's only because I think I can bring my own distinctive style to that stolen idea...
Only now do I realize that my style is based completely around my inclination to answer questions at a greater length than they deserve. This time, however, I feel as though my inclinations work against my theft.
I want to tell you ten things you might not know about me. The only problem with that is the fact that I'm so self-absorbed that I talk about myself exclusively and excessively. I like to think I'm mysterious, but the truth is, within six months of making my acquaintance, I've told you every story about me worth knowing.
I know. I've actually said that I'm an easy man to get along with, but a hard man to know. But that was lie.
I'm an open book... especially if you get a couple of drinks in me. At this point, the only things you don't know about me are things that really aren't worth the telling, or things I absolutely can't tell you. So any thing that falls under "things you didn't know about clark" will probably be things I just haven't found the time or opportunity to mention...
Here goes....
One: I was watching Bush's first press conference of his second term, and I was thinking to myself, Jesus sweet crap, this guy has no respect for journalists...
That's when it occurred to me... I don't hate journalists.
This shouldn't be that much of a surprise. After all, I can think of at least one journalist for which I've felt some warm and fuzzy feelings...
I am, of course, referring to Lois Lane.
I now realize that when I said that I hate journalists, what I really meant was that I hate j-students.
And when I say I hate j-students, what I really meant is that I hate Colleen.
Two: In the summer of my fourth year, I burned my arm pretty badly on a barbeque. I also had pneumonia at a young age.
Three: If you received an e-mail from me in the first two weeks when I moved here, it was undoubtedly riddled with my job-related fears and stress. I think I was on the verge of developing an ulcer.
What eventually got me to calm down a little?
I went to Borders and re-read Hobie Brown's first appearance in Amazing Spider-Man. There's this scene where he's complaining to his girlfriend about how he can't catch a break, and she tells him that he just has to be patient, because it takes time for someone to get noticed for their talents. Hobie doesn't listen, and she walks out on him because she's tired of listening to him whine on and on.
That's when I realized how annoying I must have been getting.
Four: Ever since I moved to New Jersey, I have done the dishes without prompting. We never did the dishes at The Barrio. Hell, it was a battle to get Jones to put his dishes in the sink.
Five: Oh God. This is so embarassing...
For two weeks after first meeting her, I was convinced that I was going to marry Anna Ochoa.
Please, keep in mind, I was making my way through a bottle of grain alcohol at the time.
Six: As you know, I'm working on a novel about the bastard son of a superhero.
What you may not know is that I have a follow up planned.
The love interest in Alexander the Adequate in Inaction Comics is a girl named Jill MacAbre, whose father, Doctor Malachi MacAbre is the most powerful sorceror on the planet (he's kind of a rip-off of Doctor Orpheus from The Venture Bros., who's kind of a rip-off of Dr. Strange from Marvel Comics). Strained relationships with fathers is one of the themes of the book, and Jill's issue with her dad is that he'd much rather have her brother Jack take over the family business...
If I ever finish/miraculously-sell Inaction Comics, I'd like to follow it up with a novel about Jack MacAbre, the laziest wizard on the planet. I still haven't worked out the finer details of the plot, but it'd center around Jack's job as a researcher for an updated edition of the magic world's premiere spellbook, the editor of which is a three-hundred-year-old ghost, who can't move on to the afterlife until the book's been completed. The major force of antagonism is the Devil's Advocate, a sexy demon who serves as the legal liason between the book company and the forces of Hell. I'd like it to be Harry Potter for twenty-somethings in shitty jobs... you know, like if The Boy Who Lived grew up a little, stopped whining about his dead parents, got the hell out of Hogwarts, and was played by Adam Brody. Hopefully I can pad out the non-existent plot with humorous asides and diversions about werewolves, vampires, and -- I don't know -- a dragon or something.
Leave me alone.
Seven: Of all of my roommates, Rob Coons was my favorite. Terp is a close second.
Eight: I have recently developed a fascination with Mars. Between David Bowie's "Life on Mars?", that West Wing episode called "Life on Mars," Seu Jorge's cover of David Bowie's "Life on Mars?" and those scenes in Alan Moore's Watchmen dealing with Doctor Manhattan's life on mars, I can't keep my mind off the Red Planet -- kind of like John Carter, but not so literally. (If anyone gets that joke, please tell me.)
Oh, and J'onn J'onzz may have a little something to do with it... but hey, so may Kristen Bell.
Nine: At one of these awkward networking things, I told someone I was an aspiring writer. They asked me what I want to write, and I couldn't give them a straight answer. (Though the straight answer is "surrealistic magical realism with a firm grounding in science-fiction and fantasy.)
She then asked me what I was passionate about. I said something long winded about family and responsibility.
The more I think about it, however, the more I realize that all the things I'm passionate about would have been captured in "Little Brown Boy Blues," a screenplay I was working on before I left Columbia.
"Little Brown Boy Blues" was the story of Noah Brown, a recent graduate of Show-Me State University who also happened to have written a novel about a recently returned Christian savior entitled Mr. Universe that was topping the New York Times Bestseller's List. After his publisher ran off to Europe with all his money, Noah found himself afflicted with crippling writer's block.
Disillusioned, Noah moves into a room at the Motel 6 which he decorates to look as much as his old dorm room as possible, and spends his days bumming around St. Dilphnia's School. He claims he's researching his next novel -- Eeyore's Suidice, a murder mystery about a child prodigy at a small parochial school who's trying to prove that the lunch lady's apparant suicide actually involved some foul play -- but really he just wants to hang out with his old high school friend/newly accredited teacher Jeremiah Quanty. Eventually, Noah's banned from the school grounds due to the sheer volume of inappropriate activities he engages the students in.
Noah then starts working at a local movie theater, but loses that job when his ex-wife, Winifred Jones, (they were married during a wild and crazy spring break in Las Vegas) shows up with a date. Fired from that job, Noah's hired soon afterward by Eddie Walker, the sixteen-year-old son of an adult film mogul who owns a comic book store, and while working at this store, he meets Tamara Easter, a 19-year-old pregnant college dropout (a role I was writing for Kate Jeffries, believe it or not).
When Noah's not working, he's constantly trying to win Fred back, because his first novel was written during their 37 day marriage, and he's convinced that recapturing their relationship is instrumental to curing his writer's block. His pursuit's frustrated by the fact that she's getting married to someone else.
Meanwhile, at the store, Noah and Tamara become remarkable friends. There's an unbearably cute scene about frozen custard. More importantly, however, Noah develops a deep appreciation for Joe Kelly's initial run on Deadpool -- which is huge for Noah, because he's never been an avid comic book reader before, his only experience with them being from his childhood, when his father would read him issues of Justice League of America as bedtime stories...
There's also a subplot involving Mogan Davis, this guy who'd always wanted to work at the comic book store, who develops this intense jealousy of Noah because he got the job Morgan figured he's always deserved. Morgan would have always worn a Green Lantern tee shirt, and whenever Noah'd be wandering around town, he'd notice more and more guys in Green Lantern shirts are always staring at him. But really, none of that goes anywhere too important.
The climax of the story sees Noah and Tamara going to the Wizard World Chicago Comic Convention to set up a retail booth to sell off some of the store's excess back stock. And, it just so happens, Fred's getting married that same weekend at a little church in the nearby suburb of Park Forest, and Noah completely intends on breaking up the wedding.
Before he goes to do so, he stops at Joe Kelly's booth to get him to autograph his copy of Deadpool #1, setting the stage for our obligatory scene:
INT. ROSEMONT CONVENTION CENTER - DAY
JOE KELLY, 33, sits at a table, signing some FANBOY's copy of ACTION COMICS #761. NOAH stands about five yards away, waiting for the FANBOY to stop gushing and move on.
FANBOY
Awesome issue, Joe. Totally awesome.
JOE KELLY
Uh... thanks...
FANBOY
Keep writing 'em man. Sometimes... Sometimes they're the only thing that keep me going.
KELLY just stares at the FANBOY for a moment. Totally dumbstruck.
JOE KELLY
Yeah... Things are rough all over, aren't they? NEXT!
FANBOY slinks away, and NOAH appraches the booth. He slaps his copy of DEADPOOL #1 on the table.
KELLY picks up the comic.
JOE KELLY
Wow. It's been a long time since anyone came around with one of these.
NOAH
I just became a fan.
KELLY starts flipping through the comic, smiling.
JOE KELLY
God, if there's a series I miss writing, this is it...
NOAH
You could always go back, couldn't you?
KELLY sighs, sets the comic down, and starts signing it.
JOE KELLY
No. Not really.
NOAH
Why not?
KELLY looks up at him.
JOE KELLY
There just comes a point where you realize that there are things in your past that you just can't go back to... They were great and wonderful, but they're gone...
KELLY hands the comic back to NOAH.
NOAH
I never thought about it like that...
JOE KELLY
Of course you haven't. You're still in your twenties.
KELLY reaches under the table, and produces a copy of JUSTICE LEAGUE ELITE #1.
JOE KELLY
Here. This is what I'm working on now.
NOAH picks it up.
JOE KELLY
Onward and upwards, buddy... Onward and upwards...
**
So of course, Noah would have given up on breaking up Fred's wedding.
That night, he reads that copy of Justice League Elite to Tamara's unborn child in what would have hopefully been a very touching scene in which "Remember the Mountain Bed" from Mermaid Avenue, Volume II plays in the background.
The next morning, Noah -- who's always inexplicably getting recognized as "the guy who wrote Mr. Universe" -- is recognized as the guy who wrote Mr. Universe by an editor at DC Comics who tells him he should think about writing comic books, and Noah ends up writing a Martian Manhunter/Green Lantern buddy book to critical acclaim and commercial success.
The whole movie was going to be narrated as if it was an short story written by a young English major named Russell Franklin (a part I was writing for Will Honley) which he was reading in his creative writing class. I liked this idea, because that way, as far as I was concerned, any plot holes or weak spots could be explained away as the cliches and sophomoric storytelling of some dumb college kid. And I thought it'd be great if the closing credits would have rolled over footage of Russell's classmates critiquing his story, saying stuff like "I thought the scene where Noah fought 100 guys in Green Lantern shirts seemed a little derivative."
There was a long stretch there where I was working on this screenplay like a madman. I figured I could force Brent to direct it, since he's got access to Mizzou's cameras and editing equipment, and loads of free time. Whether Jeffries would have flown back to Columbia to shoot a movie that was basically being created for my own amusement is anybody's guess.
I have since realized that this would have probably made a subpar independent film. However, I think it could be a pretty good indy comic...
Ten: Anytime I change the template on the blog, I test it out first on a seperate blog I've set up at www.thestorythusfargo.blogspot.com.
NEXT:
Easter.
- They Might Be Giants, "Birdhouse in Your Soul"
"Ten Things You May Not Have Known About Lenar Clark"
Any time I steal an idea from someone else's blog, it's only because I think I can bring my own distinctive style to that stolen idea...
Only now do I realize that my style is based completely around my inclination to answer questions at a greater length than they deserve. This time, however, I feel as though my inclinations work against my theft.
I want to tell you ten things you might not know about me. The only problem with that is the fact that I'm so self-absorbed that I talk about myself exclusively and excessively. I like to think I'm mysterious, but the truth is, within six months of making my acquaintance, I've told you every story about me worth knowing.
I know. I've actually said that I'm an easy man to get along with, but a hard man to know. But that was lie.
I'm an open book... especially if you get a couple of drinks in me. At this point, the only things you don't know about me are things that really aren't worth the telling, or things I absolutely can't tell you. So any thing that falls under "things you didn't know about clark" will probably be things I just haven't found the time or opportunity to mention...
Here goes....
One: I was watching Bush's first press conference of his second term, and I was thinking to myself, Jesus sweet crap, this guy has no respect for journalists...
That's when it occurred to me... I don't hate journalists.
This shouldn't be that much of a surprise. After all, I can think of at least one journalist for which I've felt some warm and fuzzy feelings...
I am, of course, referring to Lois Lane.
I now realize that when I said that I hate journalists, what I really meant was that I hate j-students.
And when I say I hate j-students, what I really meant is that I hate Colleen.
Two: In the summer of my fourth year, I burned my arm pretty badly on a barbeque. I also had pneumonia at a young age.
Three: If you received an e-mail from me in the first two weeks when I moved here, it was undoubtedly riddled with my job-related fears and stress. I think I was on the verge of developing an ulcer.
What eventually got me to calm down a little?
I went to Borders and re-read Hobie Brown's first appearance in Amazing Spider-Man. There's this scene where he's complaining to his girlfriend about how he can't catch a break, and she tells him that he just has to be patient, because it takes time for someone to get noticed for their talents. Hobie doesn't listen, and she walks out on him because she's tired of listening to him whine on and on.
That's when I realized how annoying I must have been getting.
Four: Ever since I moved to New Jersey, I have done the dishes without prompting. We never did the dishes at The Barrio. Hell, it was a battle to get Jones to put his dishes in the sink.
Five: Oh God. This is so embarassing...
For two weeks after first meeting her, I was convinced that I was going to marry Anna Ochoa.
Please, keep in mind, I was making my way through a bottle of grain alcohol at the time.
Six: As you know, I'm working on a novel about the bastard son of a superhero.
What you may not know is that I have a follow up planned.
The love interest in Alexander the Adequate in Inaction Comics is a girl named Jill MacAbre, whose father, Doctor Malachi MacAbre is the most powerful sorceror on the planet (he's kind of a rip-off of Doctor Orpheus from The Venture Bros., who's kind of a rip-off of Dr. Strange from Marvel Comics). Strained relationships with fathers is one of the themes of the book, and Jill's issue with her dad is that he'd much rather have her brother Jack take over the family business...
If I ever finish/miraculously-sell Inaction Comics, I'd like to follow it up with a novel about Jack MacAbre, the laziest wizard on the planet. I still haven't worked out the finer details of the plot, but it'd center around Jack's job as a researcher for an updated edition of the magic world's premiere spellbook, the editor of which is a three-hundred-year-old ghost, who can't move on to the afterlife until the book's been completed. The major force of antagonism is the Devil's Advocate, a sexy demon who serves as the legal liason between the book company and the forces of Hell. I'd like it to be Harry Potter for twenty-somethings in shitty jobs... you know, like if The Boy Who Lived grew up a little, stopped whining about his dead parents, got the hell out of Hogwarts, and was played by Adam Brody. Hopefully I can pad out the non-existent plot with humorous asides and diversions about werewolves, vampires, and -- I don't know -- a dragon or something.
Leave me alone.
Seven: Of all of my roommates, Rob Coons was my favorite. Terp is a close second.
Eight: I have recently developed a fascination with Mars. Between David Bowie's "Life on Mars?", that West Wing episode called "Life on Mars," Seu Jorge's cover of David Bowie's "Life on Mars?" and those scenes in Alan Moore's Watchmen dealing with Doctor Manhattan's life on mars, I can't keep my mind off the Red Planet -- kind of like John Carter, but not so literally. (If anyone gets that joke, please tell me.)
Oh, and J'onn J'onzz may have a little something to do with it... but hey, so may Kristen Bell.
Nine: At one of these awkward networking things, I told someone I was an aspiring writer. They asked me what I want to write, and I couldn't give them a straight answer. (Though the straight answer is "surrealistic magical realism with a firm grounding in science-fiction and fantasy.)
She then asked me what I was passionate about. I said something long winded about family and responsibility.
The more I think about it, however, the more I realize that all the things I'm passionate about would have been captured in "Little Brown Boy Blues," a screenplay I was working on before I left Columbia.
"Little Brown Boy Blues" was the story of Noah Brown, a recent graduate of Show-Me State University who also happened to have written a novel about a recently returned Christian savior entitled Mr. Universe that was topping the New York Times Bestseller's List. After his publisher ran off to Europe with all his money, Noah found himself afflicted with crippling writer's block.
Disillusioned, Noah moves into a room at the Motel 6 which he decorates to look as much as his old dorm room as possible, and spends his days bumming around St. Dilphnia's School. He claims he's researching his next novel -- Eeyore's Suidice, a murder mystery about a child prodigy at a small parochial school who's trying to prove that the lunch lady's apparant suicide actually involved some foul play -- but really he just wants to hang out with his old high school friend/newly accredited teacher Jeremiah Quanty. Eventually, Noah's banned from the school grounds due to the sheer volume of inappropriate activities he engages the students in.
Noah then starts working at a local movie theater, but loses that job when his ex-wife, Winifred Jones, (they were married during a wild and crazy spring break in Las Vegas) shows up with a date. Fired from that job, Noah's hired soon afterward by Eddie Walker, the sixteen-year-old son of an adult film mogul who owns a comic book store, and while working at this store, he meets Tamara Easter, a 19-year-old pregnant college dropout (a role I was writing for Kate Jeffries, believe it or not).
When Noah's not working, he's constantly trying to win Fred back, because his first novel was written during their 37 day marriage, and he's convinced that recapturing their relationship is instrumental to curing his writer's block. His pursuit's frustrated by the fact that she's getting married to someone else.
Meanwhile, at the store, Noah and Tamara become remarkable friends. There's an unbearably cute scene about frozen custard. More importantly, however, Noah develops a deep appreciation for Joe Kelly's initial run on Deadpool -- which is huge for Noah, because he's never been an avid comic book reader before, his only experience with them being from his childhood, when his father would read him issues of Justice League of America as bedtime stories...
There's also a subplot involving Mogan Davis, this guy who'd always wanted to work at the comic book store, who develops this intense jealousy of Noah because he got the job Morgan figured he's always deserved. Morgan would have always worn a Green Lantern tee shirt, and whenever Noah'd be wandering around town, he'd notice more and more guys in Green Lantern shirts are always staring at him. But really, none of that goes anywhere too important.
The climax of the story sees Noah and Tamara going to the Wizard World Chicago Comic Convention to set up a retail booth to sell off some of the store's excess back stock. And, it just so happens, Fred's getting married that same weekend at a little church in the nearby suburb of Park Forest, and Noah completely intends on breaking up the wedding.
Before he goes to do so, he stops at Joe Kelly's booth to get him to autograph his copy of Deadpool #1, setting the stage for our obligatory scene:
INT. ROSEMONT CONVENTION CENTER - DAY
JOE KELLY, 33, sits at a table, signing some FANBOY's copy of ACTION COMICS #761. NOAH stands about five yards away, waiting for the FANBOY to stop gushing and move on.
FANBOY
Awesome issue, Joe. Totally awesome.
JOE KELLY
Uh... thanks...
FANBOY
Keep writing 'em man. Sometimes... Sometimes they're the only thing that keep me going.
KELLY just stares at the FANBOY for a moment. Totally dumbstruck.
JOE KELLY
Yeah... Things are rough all over, aren't they? NEXT!
FANBOY slinks away, and NOAH appraches the booth. He slaps his copy of DEADPOOL #1 on the table.
KELLY picks up the comic.
JOE KELLY
Wow. It's been a long time since anyone came around with one of these.
NOAH
I just became a fan.
KELLY starts flipping through the comic, smiling.
JOE KELLY
God, if there's a series I miss writing, this is it...
NOAH
You could always go back, couldn't you?
KELLY sighs, sets the comic down, and starts signing it.
JOE KELLY
No. Not really.
NOAH
Why not?
KELLY looks up at him.
JOE KELLY
There just comes a point where you realize that there are things in your past that you just can't go back to... They were great and wonderful, but they're gone...
KELLY hands the comic back to NOAH.
NOAH
I never thought about it like that...
JOE KELLY
Of course you haven't. You're still in your twenties.
KELLY reaches under the table, and produces a copy of JUSTICE LEAGUE ELITE #1.
JOE KELLY
Here. This is what I'm working on now.
NOAH picks it up.
JOE KELLY
Onward and upwards, buddy... Onward and upwards...
**
So of course, Noah would have given up on breaking up Fred's wedding.
That night, he reads that copy of Justice League Elite to Tamara's unborn child in what would have hopefully been a very touching scene in which "Remember the Mountain Bed" from Mermaid Avenue, Volume II plays in the background.
The next morning, Noah -- who's always inexplicably getting recognized as "the guy who wrote Mr. Universe" -- is recognized as the guy who wrote Mr. Universe by an editor at DC Comics who tells him he should think about writing comic books, and Noah ends up writing a Martian Manhunter/Green Lantern buddy book to critical acclaim and commercial success.
The whole movie was going to be narrated as if it was an short story written by a young English major named Russell Franklin (a part I was writing for Will Honley) which he was reading in his creative writing class. I liked this idea, because that way, as far as I was concerned, any plot holes or weak spots could be explained away as the cliches and sophomoric storytelling of some dumb college kid. And I thought it'd be great if the closing credits would have rolled over footage of Russell's classmates critiquing his story, saying stuff like "I thought the scene where Noah fought 100 guys in Green Lantern shirts seemed a little derivative."
There was a long stretch there where I was working on this screenplay like a madman. I figured I could force Brent to direct it, since he's got access to Mizzou's cameras and editing equipment, and loads of free time. Whether Jeffries would have flown back to Columbia to shoot a movie that was basically being created for my own amusement is anybody's guess.
I have since realized that this would have probably made a subpar independent film. However, I think it could be a pretty good indy comic...
Ten: Anytime I change the template on the blog, I test it out first on a seperate blog I've set up at www.thestorythusfargo.blogspot.com.
NEXT:
Easter.
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