The test begins now...
- The Flaming Lips, "Fight Test"
"Pop Quiz, Hottie McHotshot!"
My friendship with Kate Jeffries has taught me three things:
1) The only currency in this bankrupt world truly is what you share with someone when you're uncool.
2) Watch you where those huskies go, don't you eat no yellow snow.
3) People love internet quizzes.
And with that in mind, as well as my burning need to placate my preteen female fan-base, I've composed such a exercise in self-examination. Originally, I was going to go with the classic Clark Compatibility Test, which I did to hilarious effect in high school (if I do say so myself), but in another inspiring morning run, I got a much better idea.
And so, with no further prelude or preamble, I bring upon all your heads...
"Which Past Object of Clark's Affection Are You?"
In the greatest movie (Sam Raimi) ever made (about a Marvel Comics icon), the most avuncular character the world has ever known said to his young nephew that there comes a time in a young (wo)man's life when (s)he starts to become the (wo)man (s)he'll be for the rest of their life, and nothing helps you figure out what type of person you are until the worst has happened. It's when the shit rains down like tequilla at Cinco de Mayo that we discover what we're made of.
And so, there's a question everybody's got to ask themselves sometime: If Lenar Clark, charming liar and Daredevil English Grad developed the warm-and-fuzzies for you, how would you respond? In the day-to-day happenstance of your life, are you a Maynard or a Tuttle? Do you exist in a Schaff state of mind? When it's time to stand and fight, do you have a Jeffries-fine spine, or the iron fist of Danielle Schwartz.
Answer the following question as honestly as possible, and tally your score according to the score card below and discover which of the woman who've made me the hollowed-out husk of a man I am today you're most similar too...
1) What's the best way for Clark to try to win your heart?
a) a campaign of mockery
b) assemble a wide-branching intelligence network
c) blow the fuck out of New Jersey
d) stupid high school bullshit
e) anything but ask me out
2) Which of the women in Spider-Man's life are you most like?
a) Betty Brant - fledging newspaper reporter
b) that deaf-mute girl who lived next to the Parkers during Todd Dezago's so-so run on Sensational Spider-Man
c) Gwen Stacy - everything a guy could ever want in a girl
d) Felicia Hardy - could possibly break a concrete block with her barehands
e) Mary Jane Watson - flake!
3) Which Ben Folds lyric best fits you:
a) "Alice, the world is full of ugly things that you can't change. Pretend it's not that way. It's my idea of faith" from "Alice Childress"
b) "When all words fail she speaks" from "Kate"
c) "You're worried there might not be anything at all inside. The fact you're worried should tell you that's not right" from "Jane"
d) "I've seen some old friends sort of die or just turn into whatever must've been inside them and whatever all of us had then in common grew up and left home, we don't think that way no more" from "Video"
e) "When I've heard enough, I tell myself that we've learnt our lesson, but I don't wanna walk away from Emaline" from, uh, "Emaline"
4) Clark has just said something you don't like, so in retaliation you:
a) throw a shoe at him
b) give him the silent treatment
c) get all hateful and hurtful, and blow him away with "The Look"
d) tell him that the next time he says "never mind," you'll break him in two
e) splash him in the face with the nearest drink
5) If you and Clark got drunk together, you'd be most likely to...
a) who knows?
b) really chat him up
c) learn things about him you really wish you hadn't
d) bum around a casino
e) who cares?
6) If Clark made you a mixed tape, you'd want the first song on it to be:
a) "A Magazine Called Sunset" by Wilco
b) "Sounds of Silence" by Simon and Garfunkel
c) "Drops of Jupiter" by Train
d) "Motion Picture Soundtrack" by Radiohead
e) "Lost Cause" by Beck
7) Do your best to complete this sentence: "My father probably..."
a) "knew Clark's parents"
b) "could talk to Clark about old issues of Justice League of America"
c) "thinks Clark eats too much pie"
d) "washes my car too much"
e) "will never forgive Clark for nicknaming his daughter 'Boo Boo Kitty Fuck'"
8) Your ideal date with Clark involves:
e) under no circumstances would I ever date him
a) phat thai and the odd cinematic twist of Harold and Maude and Spider-Man
b) chai latte and decidedly one-sided conversation
e) ever
c) Papa John's pizza and The Sunday Night Sex Show at your boyfriend's apartment
e) seriously, if dating Clark could wipe out world hunger and cure the common cold, I still wouldn't do it
d) prom food and mini-golf
e) never never never
9)Which of the following WB vixens is most like you?
a) Rory Gilmore
b) the mute girl on a very special Seventh Heaven
c) Joey Potter
d) Buffy Summers
e) Lana Lang
10) Which priceless kiss-off do you prefer?
a) "I really wish I was the girl for you"
b) "..."
c) "I can't make it to Barnes and Noble tonight, I'm going to hang out with stupid fucking Neil and the rest of the fuckwits in my Comm Capstone... the bastards"
d) "There's just no spark"
e) "I love you, goodbye"
11) After refusing Clark's romantic advances, you're most likely to date:
a) Jon Sessions
b) Jon Sessions
c) Jon Sessions
d) Jon Sessions
e) Jon Sessions
12) Okay, that last one was a vaguely insulting joke. But seriously, your dream guy is:
a) That guy from The Gospel According to Luke
b) That guy from Friends
c) That guy from Gangs of New York
d) That guy from Angel
e) That guy from Pushing Tin
13) Despite what you may actually be like, Clark is most likely to describe you to his FIG kids using the word(s):
a) melodramatic
b) eerily beautiful
c) just my friend
d) the one that got away
e) evil fucking evil
14) If you were a character on Ed, you would be...
a) Frankie Hector
b) Bonnie Hane
c) Molly Hudson
d) Liz Sherman
e) Carol Vessey
15) On Valentine's Day, Clark is most likely to give you...
a) flowers and candy
b) another reason to hate mock trial regionals
c) a lot of unnecessary grief and your stupid friendly valentine back
d) a book of sonnets
e) a ten-dollar charge for your fourth key checkout at the McDavid Front Desk
16) The creepiest thing Clark would ever write about you would be:
a) that blog entry about being the worst prospective boyfriend ever
b) the line "their breasts are filled with poison, don't you know"
c) nothing he'd ever finish
d) a short story in which you get hit by a train
e) lots and lots of crudely illustrated hack work
17) Your response to being a subject of this quiz would be to:
a) arrange for a shoe to be thrown at Clark
b) say nothing
c) wonder why you've been involved in this
d) wonder who the hell this "Clark" guy is and remember to ask Lenar if he knows him
e) get off on the attention
Okay! Time to tally up your score!
For every time you answered "A" give yourself 37 points. For every "B" give yourself 7, (but if you answered "B" to Unlucky Question #13, deduct 200 points, because you're conceited). A "C" will get you 57 points, a "D" is worth 17 points, and an "E" will get you 77. In regards to Question #11, take the number of points assigned to the answer (you know, "A," "B," or "C," etcetera) you used most frequently.
Put them together and what do you got? Shut up. I'm about to tell you what you've got...
If you're score was below 120 and you had more B-answers than anything else, you're a total Rachel Schaff and there's nothing wrong with that. I've got nothing else to say to you. Ha! How do you like it!
If you scored between 121 and 300 points, answering mostly with D's, you're a Danielle Schwartz. Once upon a time, we may have had something going, but I've grown beyond you, baby, but remember you fondly.
If you scored between 301 and 620 points, and A-answers were your guide, you're a Melissa Maynard -- bright, talented, and I consider myself lucky to have known you.
If you scored between 621 and 970 points, and you figured C's get degrees, you're a Kate Jeffries, and unbelievably fortunate. You get to hang out with me as much as you want, listening to all of my lame jokes without fear that I'm going to freak out on you because you don't love me, and at the end of the day, that's all any of the women in my life really seem to want. So congratulations. Let's go to MickeyD's and celebrate!
If you scored between 971 and 1309 points, may God have mercy on what you laughingly refer to as your soul (kidding), because you are an Erin Tuttle and we should never go to Vegas together. (Sweet Christ, if there are actually two of you in the world, I may just have to eat a gun.)
And if you scored 1310 points or higher, you're a fucking cheater.
Well, that's it for today's installment of "Clark Has Way Too Much Time on His Hands." Tune in tomorrow when my guests will include a whole lot of commas.
The test is over...
- The Flaming Lips, "Fight Test"
"Pop Quiz, Hottie McHotshot!"
My friendship with Kate Jeffries has taught me three things:
1) The only currency in this bankrupt world truly is what you share with someone when you're uncool.
2) Watch you where those huskies go, don't you eat no yellow snow.
3) People love internet quizzes.
And with that in mind, as well as my burning need to placate my preteen female fan-base, I've composed such a exercise in self-examination. Originally, I was going to go with the classic Clark Compatibility Test, which I did to hilarious effect in high school (if I do say so myself), but in another inspiring morning run, I got a much better idea.
And so, with no further prelude or preamble, I bring upon all your heads...
"Which Past Object of Clark's Affection Are You?"
In the greatest movie (Sam Raimi) ever made (about a Marvel Comics icon), the most avuncular character the world has ever known said to his young nephew that there comes a time in a young (wo)man's life when (s)he starts to become the (wo)man (s)he'll be for the rest of their life, and nothing helps you figure out what type of person you are until the worst has happened. It's when the shit rains down like tequilla at Cinco de Mayo that we discover what we're made of.
And so, there's a question everybody's got to ask themselves sometime: If Lenar Clark, charming liar and Daredevil English Grad developed the warm-and-fuzzies for you, how would you respond? In the day-to-day happenstance of your life, are you a Maynard or a Tuttle? Do you exist in a Schaff state of mind? When it's time to stand and fight, do you have a Jeffries-fine spine, or the iron fist of Danielle Schwartz.
Answer the following question as honestly as possible, and tally your score according to the score card below and discover which of the woman who've made me the hollowed-out husk of a man I am today you're most similar too...
1) What's the best way for Clark to try to win your heart?
a) a campaign of mockery
b) assemble a wide-branching intelligence network
c) blow the fuck out of New Jersey
d) stupid high school bullshit
e) anything but ask me out
2) Which of the women in Spider-Man's life are you most like?
a) Betty Brant - fledging newspaper reporter
b) that deaf-mute girl who lived next to the Parkers during Todd Dezago's so-so run on Sensational Spider-Man
c) Gwen Stacy - everything a guy could ever want in a girl
d) Felicia Hardy - could possibly break a concrete block with her barehands
e) Mary Jane Watson - flake!
3) Which Ben Folds lyric best fits you:
a) "Alice, the world is full of ugly things that you can't change. Pretend it's not that way. It's my idea of faith" from "Alice Childress"
b) "When all words fail she speaks" from "Kate"
c) "You're worried there might not be anything at all inside. The fact you're worried should tell you that's not right" from "Jane"
d) "I've seen some old friends sort of die or just turn into whatever must've been inside them and whatever all of us had then in common grew up and left home, we don't think that way no more" from "Video"
e) "When I've heard enough, I tell myself that we've learnt our lesson, but I don't wanna walk away from Emaline" from, uh, "Emaline"
4) Clark has just said something you don't like, so in retaliation you:
a) throw a shoe at him
b) give him the silent treatment
c) get all hateful and hurtful, and blow him away with "The Look"
d) tell him that the next time he says "never mind," you'll break him in two
e) splash him in the face with the nearest drink
5) If you and Clark got drunk together, you'd be most likely to...
a) who knows?
b) really chat him up
c) learn things about him you really wish you hadn't
d) bum around a casino
e) who cares?
6) If Clark made you a mixed tape, you'd want the first song on it to be:
a) "A Magazine Called Sunset" by Wilco
b) "Sounds of Silence" by Simon and Garfunkel
c) "Drops of Jupiter" by Train
d) "Motion Picture Soundtrack" by Radiohead
e) "Lost Cause" by Beck
7) Do your best to complete this sentence: "My father probably..."
a) "knew Clark's parents"
b) "could talk to Clark about old issues of Justice League of America"
c) "thinks Clark eats too much pie"
d) "washes my car too much"
e) "will never forgive Clark for nicknaming his daughter 'Boo Boo Kitty Fuck'"
8) Your ideal date with Clark involves:
e) under no circumstances would I ever date him
a) phat thai and the odd cinematic twist of Harold and Maude and Spider-Man
b) chai latte and decidedly one-sided conversation
e) ever
c) Papa John's pizza and The Sunday Night Sex Show at your boyfriend's apartment
e) seriously, if dating Clark could wipe out world hunger and cure the common cold, I still wouldn't do it
d) prom food and mini-golf
e) never never never
9)Which of the following WB vixens is most like you?
a) Rory Gilmore
b) the mute girl on a very special Seventh Heaven
c) Joey Potter
d) Buffy Summers
e) Lana Lang
10) Which priceless kiss-off do you prefer?
a) "I really wish I was the girl for you"
b) "..."
c) "I can't make it to Barnes and Noble tonight, I'm going to hang out with stupid fucking Neil and the rest of the fuckwits in my Comm Capstone... the bastards"
d) "There's just no spark"
e) "I love you, goodbye"
11) After refusing Clark's romantic advances, you're most likely to date:
a) Jon Sessions
b) Jon Sessions
c) Jon Sessions
d) Jon Sessions
e) Jon Sessions
12) Okay, that last one was a vaguely insulting joke. But seriously, your dream guy is:
a) That guy from The Gospel According to Luke
b) That guy from Friends
c) That guy from Gangs of New York
d) That guy from Angel
e) That guy from Pushing Tin
13) Despite what you may actually be like, Clark is most likely to describe you to his FIG kids using the word(s):
a) melodramatic
b) eerily beautiful
c) just my friend
d) the one that got away
e) evil fucking evil
14) If you were a character on Ed, you would be...
a) Frankie Hector
b) Bonnie Hane
c) Molly Hudson
d) Liz Sherman
e) Carol Vessey
15) On Valentine's Day, Clark is most likely to give you...
a) flowers and candy
b) another reason to hate mock trial regionals
c) a lot of unnecessary grief and your stupid friendly valentine back
d) a book of sonnets
e) a ten-dollar charge for your fourth key checkout at the McDavid Front Desk
16) The creepiest thing Clark would ever write about you would be:
a) that blog entry about being the worst prospective boyfriend ever
b) the line "their breasts are filled with poison, don't you know"
c) nothing he'd ever finish
d) a short story in which you get hit by a train
e) lots and lots of crudely illustrated hack work
17) Your response to being a subject of this quiz would be to:
a) arrange for a shoe to be thrown at Clark
b) say nothing
c) wonder why you've been involved in this
d) wonder who the hell this "Clark" guy is and remember to ask Lenar if he knows him
e) get off on the attention
Okay! Time to tally up your score!
For every time you answered "A" give yourself 37 points. For every "B" give yourself 7, (but if you answered "B" to Unlucky Question #13, deduct 200 points, because you're conceited). A "C" will get you 57 points, a "D" is worth 17 points, and an "E" will get you 77. In regards to Question #11, take the number of points assigned to the answer (you know, "A," "B," or "C," etcetera) you used most frequently.
Put them together and what do you got? Shut up. I'm about to tell you what you've got...
If you're score was below 120 and you had more B-answers than anything else, you're a total Rachel Schaff and there's nothing wrong with that. I've got nothing else to say to you. Ha! How do you like it!
If you scored between 121 and 300 points, answering mostly with D's, you're a Danielle Schwartz. Once upon a time, we may have had something going, but I've grown beyond you, baby, but remember you fondly.
If you scored between 301 and 620 points, and A-answers were your guide, you're a Melissa Maynard -- bright, talented, and I consider myself lucky to have known you.
If you scored between 621 and 970 points, and you figured C's get degrees, you're a Kate Jeffries, and unbelievably fortunate. You get to hang out with me as much as you want, listening to all of my lame jokes without fear that I'm going to freak out on you because you don't love me, and at the end of the day, that's all any of the women in my life really seem to want. So congratulations. Let's go to MickeyD's and celebrate!
If you scored between 971 and 1309 points, may God have mercy on what you laughingly refer to as your soul (kidding), because you are an Erin Tuttle and we should never go to Vegas together. (Sweet Christ, if there are actually two of you in the world, I may just have to eat a gun.)
And if you scored 1310 points or higher, you're a fucking cheater.
Well, that's it for today's installment of "Clark Has Way Too Much Time on His Hands." Tune in tomorrow when my guests will include a whole lot of commas.
The test is over...
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