white wine and sleeping pills
help me get back to your arms...
cheap sex and sad films
help me get where i belong...
- Radiohead, "Motion Picture Soundtrack"

"White's the New Brown"
For just about as long as I've been blogging, I've nurtured what some have described as an unhealthy fascination with Jaleel White.

I don't know what I can say. I've got a bit of a hard-on for Steve Urkel.

I like to watch reruns of Family Matters. I'm not proud of it, but there it is. At first, it was because I was developing a back story for Along Came a Spider and I needed to figure out how to enmesh the lives of Peter Parker and Steve Urkel. Now, it's because I've just realized that at this point in his life, Mr. White is age-appropriate for the role of Hobie Brown in the hypothetical Prowler movie in my head that'll never see the dim light of a darkened theatre.

Well, ABC Family started showing the final season of Family Matters, which I've never seen because, well, I gave up on the show years earlier with the rest of America, and I was shocked by what I saw. First of all, they replaced Harriet, just like they replaced Will's aunt on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I didn't think anyone could just walk away from Family Matters. It's not like you can have a career after something like that!

Now, I knew that at some point, Steve cloned himself at that this Urkel clone was genetically implanted with the fabled "cool gene" to become Stephan Urkelle so that both Steve and Stephan could co-exist. I also knew that Laura started dating Stephan and they got pretty hot and heavy. What I did not know, however, was that Laura eventually developed feelings for Steve as well, and started dating both of them. (Because first of all, I was never under the impression that Steve and Laura were a will-they-won't-they couple. I thought they were a they-won't-but-it's-mildly-amusing-to-watch-the-stupid-bastard-try kind of couple [and yes, I realize that I've seemingly devoted my life to recreating that same dynamic in my own lamentable love life]).

So Steve and Stephan both propose to Laura on the same day, and when Steve learns of his suave doppelganger's intentions, he decides to bow out and move to Moscow with his parents because as far as he's concerned Laura deserves "a handsome man who doesn't fall down" and in a manner that'd be nothing short of manipulative if he wasn't so unquestionably naive and noble hearted, as he's getting set to leave, he asks her to remember him.

Here's my thing... How can the perception be that Stephan's so much more handsome than Steve. Stephan is Steve without glasses. Must we perpetuate the Superman-born myth that glasses drastically alter one's appearance? And why would Steve ask Laura to remember him? How the fuck is she supposed to forget him? I've met some obliviously mean-spirited and insensitive shrews in my life, and I don't think any of them are likely to forget someone who asked them to marry them. And in Laura's specific case, how is she going to look into Stephan's eyes and not think to herself "Steve Urkel made you"? Not to mention the aforementioned fact that STEPHAN IS STEVE WITHOUT GLASSES!

And in the end, Laura and Steve get married?! Where the hell did that come from? That's crazy! How do you go from hating someone with a passion that'll never die to loving them at all? I've seen the reverse a few times, but come on.

...

Perhaps I'm giving too much credit to a show where a black guy could polka.

"What's It All About... Spidey?"
And speaking of things my ficitional role models have done that I never would have expected, here's a little tale of the Forum stockroom. I was back there assembling a standee for the upcoming remake of Michael Caine's seminal film Alfie, now starring Jude Law in the eponymous role, when two of my co-workers came in, discussing how one of them has a crush on the box office girl who's going back to college in a week, but he can't do anything about it because she's got a boyfriend, and that's not something one dude does to another dude.

Now, lord knows this is a position I agree with, but for some reason, I found myself jumping into their conversationg, saying, "That doesn't matter. Peter Parker would go for her." And it's true. Because in the second flick, Pete doesn't care that Mary Jane's getting married, he tries to get her to get some chow mein anyway...

...

I don't know what's sadder. That whenever I have a moral dilemma, I seriously ask myself "What would Peter Parker do?" or that I have no problem letting other people know that this is in fact the case.

"Gossip"
I am now a part of the Forum 8 family. Not only did they give me a 20 cent raise, but I've attained that special kind of status you can only get in an environment dominated by high school girls: I've got rumors circulating about me. What kind of rumors? These type of rumors:

* I'm dating Maria.
* There are times in which I sleep on the job.
* I'm obsessed with the girl in the Slackers commercial.
* I'm a virgin.
* I have a daughter named Moesha.
* I have a girlfriend named Chrissy. She lives in Canada and she has big tatties.

Okay... so I may have started a couple of these rumors, but I swear, only one of them is true.

"The Last Words of Otto Octavius"
Perhaps it's the other way around, and I'm a lonely toy for a broken girl.

I think I've figured out what to call this sense of things I think I have sometimes: deja vu.