Good men fail every day, Clark. Great men fight on until they get it right. I won't have you hiding under my wings, little bird. You're fired. Time for you to fly.
- Joe Kelly, "A Hero's Journey"

"Excerpts from Aborted Brian Bolland Letters"
Dear DC Comics,

I have bought a lot of comics over the last several years, and it's about time you people gave me some of that money back. Give me a job. And maybe a cubicle where I can set my Brodie Bruce Inaction Figure and Alamo paperweight.

For serious,
L. F. Clark

P.S. If Joe Kelly wants me to hang out with him on the weekends, that's cool, too.

*

Dear Distinguished Competition,

Yeah, I admit it. I'm more of a Marvel fan. But let's face it: Marvel's gone fat crackers these days. What's with the whole "Sins Past" thing in Amazing Spider-Man? I've got to choke down the notion that Gwen Stacy not only had sex with Norman Osborn, but had two of his babies? Why? Why for fucksake?! And don't get me started on that Brian Michael Bendis. Let's just say he sets my asshole to puckerin' and leave it at that.

But seriously, I love DC Comics. I'm sure that if I was actually reading Identity Crisis, I'd be all shocked to shit. (Please don't be googling my name.)

Sincerly,
L. F. Clark

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Dear DC Comics,

You know that episode of Duck Dodgers where he accidentally ends up in the Green Lantern Corps, and Hal Jordan -- ably voiced by writer/director/mid-life-crisis-sufferer Kevin Smith -- congratulates Dodgers on defeating Sinestro by saying "Thanks, little black duck"? Ain't that kooky?

Thanks for your consideration,
L. F. Clark (aka "Little Black Duck")

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Yo DC Comics!

Check out my resume! How many of your applicants know how to both work a popcorn popper and wax a floor?! And my references are really real! Who told you they wasn't?!

Your friendly neighborhood applicant,
L. F. Clark!

P.S. Ya'll do affirmative action?! If so, when's the time to mention I'm black and shit?!

*

deer dc comix...

you guys need a assistant editor? i think this is something i'd be "really" good at, i'm correcting peoples grammer 4 them all the time and i know when to use who and when to use whom inside a sentence. and i can spot typos when i saw one, even though i could of been all thinking "what's the big deal? there just worlds."

thanx,
l. f. clarke

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Dear Lois Lane,

You seeing anybody right now?

Love always,
L. F. CLark

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Dear DC Comics,

Who likes pie? Hell, who doesn't like pie? I just thought I'd send you guys a nice cherry pie. No reason. I just really like you guys. Keep up the good work.

Much appreciation,
L. F. Clark

P.S. You guys looking for an assistant editor? 'cause if you were, I might think about it... as long as it didn't cut into my pie baking time. I like to bake pies for my coworkers...

*

Dear DC Comics,

My name is L. F. Clark. You might remember me from when your legal department kept e-mailing me about copyright infringement because I keep posting your licensed images on my blog. Anyway, can I have a job?

Sincerely,
L. F. Clark

*

Dear DC Comics,

I was going to just send you my resume, but what's the fun of that? Instead, I've decided to leave pieces of it at various locations scattered throughout the continental United States. In order to find the pieces and assemble my resume, you will have to answer a serious of riddles and clues, each more difficult than the last...

*

P. S. I am Kal-El of Krypton; it's time for me to fulfill my destiny...