Caveat: This is going to be one of my comic-based blogs. It's finally occurred to me that my passion for this medium is not shared by many of you, my loyal friends and blog-readers, whom I respect and admire. Now, while I feel that the following contains all the wit and charm of my usual ramblings, I'd be remiss not to warn you: If you typically skim or skip over my long treatises on speculative Prowler storylines and industry commentary, this is an entire entry you might as well skip. This is certainly not to say that I'd consider the following unreadable to anyone who doesn't read comics, especially as I found myself writing it more as "A Beginner's Guide to Understanding Clark's Dream Job" than "A Lengthy List of Ideas That Clark Really Should Keep in a Writing Journal or an E-Mail to Prewitt" as I've typically done in the past, but hey, just thought I'd give you fair warning.
And now, on with the show...
After his parents died in a plane crash, young Peter Parker went to live with his beloved Aunt May and Uncle Ben. Though he often suffered the ridicule of his classmates, Peter displayed a strong aptitude for learning, especially in the sciences. At a demonstration on radiation, Peter, then a high school student, was bitten by an irradiated spider, from which he gained the arachnid's incredible abilities.
Tragedy struck the Parker family when Ben was killed by a burglar. A grief-stricken Peter, realizing that he couls have prevented his uncle's death, vowed always to use his powers in the service of his fellow man.
Though he still mourns the death of his first love, Gwen Stacy, Peter is now married to the beautiful Mary Jane Watson. He lives every day remembering the words of his Uncle Ben: "with great power, there must also come great responsibility." Peter Parker is the spectacular Spider-Man, one of New York City's greatest heroes!
- Paul Jenkins, "The Final Curtain"
"Unsold Tales of Spider-Man"
Spider-Man Unlimited is a bi-monthly comic book title published by Marvel Comics which features stories written by new writers. (And by new writers, they're typically referring to established television writers who've been given a chance to try their hand at the funny book trade.) Each issue of Spider-Man Unlimited contains two 11-page stories by written and drawn by different creative teams.
I have been trying to publish a story in this title for about a year now. I have gotten farther along in this pursuit than I ever really considered possible, but I have yet to do so. (I mean, clearly. If I had, I totally would have told you by now. You think I'd waste my time and yours with longwinded , meandering recollections of a weekend in Washington, but not mention that I'd gotten a comic book published? Of course not. I don't even know why I mentioned it...)
Typically, the way it works is, if you're given the green light to pitch a story for the title, you send an e-mail detailing your ideas for three different stories featuring Spider-Man in some way. If the editorial team think one of your stories will work for an issue, they get in touch with you and hammer out the details, at which point you write a script that breaks the story down panel by panel, including art direction, dialogue and "sound" effects, at which point -- given proper editorial approval -- the script is passed to a capable team of artist who will then draw the story according to your instruction in pencil, and those pencilled stories are then passed on to an inker who traces over it. (Inkers would love you to believe that there is more involved, like creating an atmosphere with shadows and shadings, but that's all a lie, because everything that Kevin Smith says is the god honest truth.) From there it gets colored by a colorist, and a letterist with good penmanship or a sophisticated typesetting machine adds in all the word balloons and a lot of other obscure publishing things that even I'm not interested in take place, and as a result, you've got a comic book.
I mean, I'm guessing that's what happens if the editorial team thinks one of your stories will work for an issue. I don't really know. It's never happened to me.
My reasons for telling you all of this are two-fold:
(1) It occurred to me recently that a lot of you might not know exactly what I want to do with the rest of my life -- or, more accurately, exactly how I'd go about doing what I want to do with the rest of my life -- and I thought it might be nice to fill you in. Especially since I've started to worry that you think I'm trying to get stick-figure comic book stories published. I mean, if you think that's what I'm trying to do, I have to ask: why haven't you told me to stop?
(2) I want you to understand that I never should have written what I'm about to show you.
The pitching process I've described to you has been put in place so that editors don't have to read an entire script to decide whether or not they want to publish a story. They can start with a paragraph-length synopsis and work from there. The added bonus is that this process also keeps writers from going ahead and writing an entire story that's just going to get rejected. Because what are they going to do with it then? I mean, it's not like they can go to another publisher with it, because Marvel owns the characters. (And if you're thinking "Well, couldn't they just change Spider-Man to Superman and pitch it over at DC?" then you obviously weren't at Joe Kelly's panel at the Wizard World Chicago Comic Convention in 2000 in which The Man His Own Self explained that if you've written a story where the main character is interchangeable, your story's no good because it doesn't address the heart of any particular character.)
I didn't understand the pitching process a year ago. I thought it'd be more like the process of getting a short story published by a lit mag like The Missouri Review: Write it. Submit it. See what happens.
Even after I did my research on Marvel's submission guides, where you write an inquiry letter explaining why you want to work for Marvel and -- if it's acceptable -- they ask for a writing sample, I figured a Spider-Man Unlimited story would be a perfect writing sample. Turns out it wasn't, as my sample couldn't use Marvel characters, but how was I supposed to know that was going to be the case?
So, in my ignorance, during the summer of 2004, I spent a couple of days banging out "A Life Less Extraordinary," an eleven page Spider-Man story that I came up with while running along Providence Avenue and rounding the corner of Stadium Boulevard.
It's not the best story I've ever written, but I've always thought it was good enough for the standards set forth by Spider-Man Unlimited, which has published some rather drecky stories in my humble opinion...
When I lucked into an acquantanceship with a staffer at Marvel who just happened to be an assistant editor on Spider-Man Unlimited, I figured this was my chance to finally pitch this story. So when I actually mustered the courage to take my shot, I was a little thrown when I was told to provide three different story ideas.
I mean, as far as I was concerned, this story was it. The best eleven page Spider-Man story I was ever going to come up with. Anything else I pitched would pale in comparison. But I also figured that -- considering how lucky I was to get this shot at all -- I'd better just shut up and do what I was told. All I had to do was come up with two other story ideas. They didn't even have to be good ideas. They just had to be ideas that weren't total crap, which I could reasonably follow through on in the event that they somehow got picked.
One of these ideas I came up with was "The Devil and Peter Parker," which is less of a Spider-Man Unlimited story as much as it is the way I'd like to book end any run I'd do on an ongoing Spider-Man title.
The other idea I came up with was a story called "24 Hour Bug," which eventually became the story I really wanted to get published. (It was also the story that the editors were actually considering before passing on it, but that's neither here nor there.) I loved the idea for this story so much that I actually went ahead and wrote it during my downtime at work today, even though it's already been rejected.
All of this to say this: I have two unpublished Spider-Man Unlimited stories -- an entire issue's worth for those of you keeping score on your desktops -- and since they're not doing anybody any good just sitting on my computer, I thought it might be nice to share them with you. (Nice for me. Not nice for you. I'm sure it'll actually be kind of tedious for you, if this long introduction is any indication.)
Three last quick notes before I finally present you with my own personal and unpublished issue of Spider-Man Unlimited:
(1) There's no set format for writing comic book scripts. Brian Michael Bendis writes his scripts with screenwriting software, constantly referencing scene compositions from movies, like the "I've been slimed" shot from Ghostbusters. Neil Gaiman writes his scripts like they're letters to the artist. Paul Jenkins peppers his script with personal anecdotes to help convey the emotion he intends for a scene. Last I heard, Joe Kelly uses Marvel-style scripts, a format popularized by Stan Lee in which the writer breaks his stories down into pages and trusts his artist to compose the panels on their own.
I use a fairly straightforward dirty screenplay set-up in which my goals are to describe a panel as simply as possible, keep the panel per page count to a reasonable five or six maximum, and try not to clutter the page up too much with my rambling dialogue and narration.
(2) My initial draft of "A Life Less Extraordinary" contained a "yo mama" joke that took me about six months to finally remove and replace for the final draft presented today. This is the first draft of "24 Hour Bug," and it contains a Mary Jane and vicks vapor-rub gag that should probably have met a similar fate.
(3) Spider-Man and all related character names and distinctive likenesses thereof are the property of Marvel Enterprises, Inc.
And now, without further a doo-doo (except to say that if I've learned one thing from this entry thus far, it's that I may be far more excited about the prospect of writing an introduction for a tradepaper back than I am excited about writing the individual comics that would be collected in one), here comes the Spider-Man...
UNSOLD TALES OF SPIDER-MAN #1
by Lenar Clark
PAGE ONE
EXT. NEW YORK CITY ROOFTOP - MORNING
1 - CLOSE-UP on the face of the VULTURE. He looks like hell. Runny nose. Puffy red eyes. He's clearly down with the flu. Oh, and pissed.
VULTURE
(weakly)
... and strangle you with your own entrails!
*Kaff* *Kaff*
I swear, I will be your end, boy!
2 - We pull back a little to find that the VULTURE's been webbed up to one of those ROOFTOP WATER TOWERS. It's raining.
VULTURE
(weakly)
This isn't over...
*Sniffle* *Sniffle*
Not by a longshot...
3 - SPIDER-MAN stands a few feet from the VULTURE, looking up at him. He seems bored.
SPIDER-MAN
Gotta say, from where I'm standing, this little affair seems to have a whole "been there, done that" vibe going for it.
VULTURE
(weakly)
*Kaff*
You've humiliated me for the last time!
4 - SPIDER-MAN points an accusing finger at his enemy.
SPIDER-MAN
You know, a lot of the humiliation here is your fault --
(And I'm not just talking about the harebrained, aerial diamond heist thing, although, seriously, has that ever worked out for you?)
You look like hell, Vutchy. You're sick. You should be in bed. You're an old man for petesake! What were you thinking coming out in the rain like this?
VULTURE
Ah... ah...
5 - The VULTURE sneezes in SPIDER-MAN's face, spraying snot and spit all over him.
VULTURE
CHOO!!!
CAPTION
"Oh, Peter. That's disgusting."
PAGE TWO
INT. PARKER APARTMENT - NIGHT
1 - PETER sits at the dinner table while MARY JANE sets a PLATE OF FOOD down in front of him. PETER looks exhausted.
MARY JANE
He sneezed in your face?
PETER
Yeah, and you know the worst part?
Doesn't make my top ten list of grossest things that have happened to me in costume.
The time I fought Hydro-Man at the sewage plant doesn't make that list...
2 - PETER looks down at the food wearily.
PETER
You sure you don't want to order out tonight?
3 - MARY JANE glares at him.
MARY JANE
Look, I'm sorry if my cooking doesn't reach the high standards set by May Parker, mistress of the kitchen. I though you'd just appreciate the effort.
PETER
No. I do. It's just, I...
4 - PETER sprints past MARY JANE, his hand to his mouth.
PETER
Oh God!
MARY JANE
Ha ha, Mr. Parker. Enough with the theatrics already. That's my department.
5 - A look of concern crosses MARY JANE's face.
MARY JANE (small)
Peter?
PETER (off-panel)
HGMMMPH!!
PAGE THREE
1- This is our big title page panel. We see PETER from behind, on his knees in the bathroom, vomiting his guts out.
TITLE: 24-Hour Bug
S/FX: HERAARGH!!!
CAPTION: Zero hour.
CREDITS: Lenar Clark - Puking up words, Artist - Sick of drawing, etc. etc.
2 - We're looking at the closed DOOR of the Parker Apartment from the inside.
CAPTION: Hour Two
3 - Same angle, but the door opens slightly as MARY JANE enters with a BAG.
MARY JANE
Pete? I stopped off at the drug store and picked up some chest-rub.
And I rented a couple of movies, so -
4 - Same angle. The DOOR's completely open now, and MARY JANE stands at the doorway. She's horrified.
MARY JANE
What the hell are you doing?
PAGE FOUR
1 - SPIDER-MAN's been caught in the middle of climbing out the window. He looks in MARY JANE's direction.
SPIDER-MAN
(weakly)
Rhino's on a rampage in SoHo. Gotta save the day.
2 - MARY JANE stomps toward him, furious.
MARY JANE
No, Peter. No.
SPIDER-MAN
(weakly)
What?
MARY JANE
I'm not letting you go out there!
3 - SPIDER-MAN steps down from the window to face her.
SPIDER-MAN
(weakly)
Mary Jane, how many times do we have to go through this?
I know you get worried, but I gotta do this.
For I learned long ago that with great power comes --
MARY JANE
Oh, shut up!
Peter, you're sick. Remember the technicolor porcelain yawn?
4 - SPIDER-MAN starts climbing out the window again.
SPIDER-MAN
(weakly)
What? That? Just a fluke. Nothing to worry about.
I'm sure my vaunted healing factor's flushed my system by now.
5 - SPIDER-MAN looks back at MARY JANE who glares at him.
MARY JANE
You don't have a vaunted healing factor.
SPIDER-MAN
(weakly)
I don't?
MARY JANE
You're thinking of Wolverine, dear.
PAGE FIVE
1 - MARY JANE proceeds to lecture him.
MARY JANE
You do this every time you get sick.
Your powers go crazy or stop working and you get delusional, but you go out anyway and it's always a disaster.
Well not this time.
2 - SPIDER-MAN pleads his case from the window, but MARY JANE ain't havin' it.
SPIDER-MAN
(weakly)
But with great power -
MARY JANE
Stop it! You're not going out there! And you're calling in sick at work tomorrow, too!
SPIDER-MAN
(weakly)
I can't waste a sick day! I gotta save those for Avengers missions and stuff...
3 - SPIDER-MAN's spider-sense goes off.
SPIDER-MAN
(weakly)
Spider-sense?
Why's my spider-sense...
Ahhh -
4 - SPIDER-MAN sneezes in his mask.
S/FX: CHFFFFFMP!
PAGE SIX
1 - SPIDER-MAN climbs down from the window, totally skeeved. We can see MUCUS and SNOT seeping through his mask.
SPIDER-MAN
...
2 - Same.
SPIDER-MAN
(weakly)
So you said you rented some movies?
3 - PETER and MARY JANE sit on the couch in their PJs. There are tons of wadded up Kleenex around them. MARY JANE's wiping her eyes. PETER's wiping his nose.
CAPTION: Hour Five
MARY JANE
Oh Jack, don't let go...
PETER
(weakly)
Can we watch Lobster Man now?
4 - PETER and MARY JANE are in bed. She's rubbing vapor rub on his chest while PETER stares up at her dreamily.
CAPTION: Hour Eight
PETER
(weakly)
You sure you don't need me to rub any on you?
MARY JANE
Not tonight, flu-boy.
PAGE SEVEN
1 - MARY JANE pours a CUP of COFFEE in the kitchen.
CAPTION: Hour Thirteen
PETER
(weakly, off-panel)
Mary Jane...
2 - MARY JANE turns to see PETER slumped against a wall, trying to stagger into the kitchen.
MARY JANE
Peter? I thought you were sleeping...
PETER
(weakly)
Really? 'cause I...
*Kaff* *Kaff*
I think I'm dying...
3 - MARY JANE sips her coffee with a bemused smirk.
MARY JANE
God. You are such a baby.
4 - PETER takes an unsteady step forward.
PETER
*Kaff* *Kaff*
No... I'm serious...
*Sniffle*
You've got to call Reed Richards or... or Hank McCoy.
I... I think I've contracted the Legacy Virus.
5 - MARY JANE rolls her eyes.
MARY JANE
The legacy virus? Really?
Peter, there is no legacy virus any more. Besides... you're not even a mutant.
PAGE EIGHT
1 - PETER slumps lower against the wall.
PETER
(weakly)
Okay, maybe it's not that, but there's definitely something wrong with me... maybe it's *kaff* clone degeneration...
Maybe I'm not the real Peter Parker after all...
MARY JANE
Don't even joke.
2 - PETER's on the floor now.
PETER (weakly)
Maybe it's bad mojo.
*Sniffle*
Call Doctor Strange...
*Kaff*
Hell, call Doctor Doom if you gotta...
3 - MARY JANE looks down at him. He's curled up in a ball.
PETER (weakly)
Just please, call somebody...
*Kaff* *Kaff*
Please.
4 - Close-up on MARY JANE.
MARY JANE
Okay, Pete.
I'll call someone.
PAGE NINE
1 - SPIDER-MAN's trying to climb out the window again.
CAPTION: Hour Sixteen.
2 - AUNT MAY appears behind him, shouting.
AUNT MAY
Young man, you'd better get out of those tights and into that bed, or so help me...
SPIDER-MAN
(weakly)
No! You don't understand!
3 - AUNT MAY drags a seemingly helpless SPIDER-MAN away from the window by the scruff of the neck while MARY JANE watches, smiling.
SPIDER-MAN
Batroc the Leaper's up to his old tricks. If I don't stop him who will?
MARY JANE
I'm sure there's a girl scout troop out there somewhere...
PAGE TEN
1 - MARY JANE sits on the COUCH reading a MAGAZINE as AUNT MAY enters the living room.
CAPTION: Hour Twenty-One
AUNT MAY
He's resting now. I think the worst of it's over.
MARY JANE
Thanks for coming, May.
It's nice to have someone here Peter will actually listen to.
AUNT MAY
What do you mean, dear?
2 - MARY JANE sets down the magazine, frustrated.
MARY JANE
I don't know. I just wish sometimes I'd met him before he got powers and decided that he was invincible.
It'd be nice to have known him back when he had the sense to stay home with a flu.
3 - AUNT MAY smiles.
AUNT MAY
Oh, Mary Jane. You poor girl.
Peter's never had that much sense.
He damn near refused to have his appendix taken out in the seventh grade. I thought he was just afraid of hospitals. Turned out he didn't want to miss dissecting worms in science class.
And that week he had the chicken pox... He kept trying to sneak out of the house.
4 - AUNT MAY sits down next to MARY JANE.
AUNT MAY
His uncle was the same way, God bless the poor nitwit.
That's just the Parker men for you. I don't know if they think the world can't run without them or just scared of what they'll miss out on, but they won't let themselves take a break.
5 - MARY JANE smiles.
AUNT MAY
And I love them almost as much as I hate them for it.
PAGE ELEVEN
1 - PETER PARKER: SPIDER-MAN walks out of his bedroom. He's in costume, but he hasn't pulled his mask on yet. He's hale and healthy and ready to take on the world.
CAPTION: Hour Twenty-Seven
SPIDER-MAN
Wow. I feel freakin' amazing!
2 - SPIDER-MAN pulls his mask on.
SPIDER-MAN
I mean it. I am one rested up web-slinger.
3 - SPIDER-MAN turns to shout one last parting line as he climbs out the window.
SPIDER-MAN
The Sandman ain't gonna know what hit him.
4 - MARY JANE and AUNT MAY are sitting on the couch, surrounded by wadded up Kleenexes. They look like hell. Runny noses. Puffy red eyes. They're clearly down with the flu. Oh, and Mary Jane's pissed.
AUNT MAY
(weakly)
That's wonderful, dear. Glad to see you're feeling better.
MARY JANE
(weakly)
Don't forget the *&^%ing vapor-rub.
CAPTION: End.
PAGE TWELVE
EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET - DAY
1 – Close-up of SPIDER-MAN getting hammered in the face by the BLOCK-SHAPED FIST of the Sandman.
CAPTION
You know, it occurs to me...
SPIDER-MAN
WHOULF!!!
2 – Wide shot of the SANDMAN -- his right fist still in the form of a BLOCK and his left in the form of a SLEDGEHAMMER -- standing over the battered body of SPIDER-MAN, his left arm raised to crush the hero, who looks up at the villain as he shouts down at him. They're in the middle of a ravaged New York City street. Cars have been smashed. Windows have been broken. They've obviously been at it for a while.
SPIDER-MAN
(weakly)
Look, all I meant is --
given your powers and everything --
Dirtbag would have been a great name for you…
CAPTION
This probably ain't the life Uncle Ben wanted for me.
3 – SPIDER-MAN rolls to his right as the SANDMAN brings his sledgehammer fist down, hard, shattering a section of street.
S/FX: WRUNCH
SPIDER-MAN
Now how did I know you’d take that the wrong way?
CAPTION
Through all the years I've been tripping the fight fantastic, I've told myself that this was the way to honor my uncle.
This is what he'd want me to do.
4 – SPIDER-MAN leaps over the SANDMAN's head.
CAPTION
Now I'm not so sure.
PAGE THIRTEEN
1 – SPIDER-MAN lands on the wall of a nearby building, shooting twin WEB-LINES back at the off-panel Sandman.
S/FX: Thwip
SPIDER-MAN
Could it be that you're getting a little predictable in your old age?
2 – SANDMAN, expecting the WEB-LINES, creates a hole in his chest through which they pass harmlessly.
SANDMAN
Look who's talkin'.
3 – The WEB-LINES hit the smashed and broken husk of a CAR smoldering behind the Sandman.
S/FX: THWAP
CAPTION
I mean, who would wish this life on anyone?
4 – SPIDER-MAN tugs on the LINES, hard, and the SANDMAN looks back behind him, surprised.
SPIDER-MAN
Don't look now, Sandy…
SANDMAN
Whuh?
5 – SANDMAN explodes into a cloud of dusty sand as the CAR crashes into his back.
S/FX: Bassssssssh!
SPIDER-MAN
(off-panel)
I know how you hate surprises.
PAGE FOURTEEN
1 – Wide shot. SPIDER-MAN jumps down from the wall, moving toward the wrecked CAR and the dispersed pile of SAND all around it.
CAPTION
Uncle Ben expected me to get a nice research gig in a peaceful lab somewhere...
2 – SPIDER-MAN's spider-sense blazes as SAND CLOUDS rise all around him.
S/FX: ssssssssss
CAPTION
A life of quiet, scholarly pursuit...
3 – SANDMAN reforms into a massive figure, towering over the wide-eyed SPIDER-MAN.
SPIDER-MAN (small):
You feel like a big man now?
SANDMAN:
I am so #@&*ing tired of you.
SPIDER-MAN:
Tsk Tsk, Sandra D. I'd say you've got a dirty mouth...
PAGE FIFTEEN
1 – SANDMAN blasts SPIDER-MAN with a torrent of sand, inundating the wall-crawler.
S/FX: WHOOOOSHH
SPIDER-MAN
but that'd be kind of redun --
Accccck!!!
CAPTION
Not this.
2 – SPIDER-MAN is thrown back in a river of sand, past a nearby FIRE HYDRANT.
S/FX: SHHHHHHHHHHH
3 – Spider-Man desperately throws out a LEG, kicking the HYDRANT, breaking it.
S/FX: klank!
4 – A JET OF WATER shoots out from the HYDRANT, shoving SPIDER-MAN out of the sand stream.
S/FX: FLOOOSH!
5 – A soggy SPIDER-MAN struggles to his feet, leaning against a PARKING METER.
SPIDER-MAN
(weakly)
*Kaff!* * Kack!* *Kaff!*
CAPTION
He never would have wanted this.
PAGE SIXTEEN
1 – The SANDMAN looms toward his foe.
CAPTION
Gentle Ben abhorred violence.
SANDMAN
(shouting)
I’m gonna take your head off!
2 – SPIDER-MAN rips the PARKING METER up out of the sidewalk with one hand...
SPIDER-MAN
Oh, Billy Boy...
3 – ...and lauches it at the off-panel Sandman like a javelin.
SPIDER-MAN
Who would do a thing like that?
CAPTION
Me?
4 – The METER smashes through SANDMAN's head, dissipating it into dust.
S/FX: PISH!
CAPTION
I've turned it into a reluctant art form.
5 – The SANDMAN's head begins to reform, and he looks mad as hell.
S/FX: Ssssss
SANDMAN
That the best you got, bug boy?
PAGE SEVENTEEN
1 – SANDMAN pours two powerful SAND-STREAMS at SPIDER-MAN, who dodges, leaping up to a STREETLAMP.
SANDMAN
'cause you better bring yer A-Game if you wanna get the best of me!
CAPTION
And while Uncle Ben loved telling a good joke as much as the next guy --
2 – SPIDER-MAN looks down at the off-panel Sandman from his perch atop the STREETLAMP.
SPIDER-MAN
You've got a pretty high opinion of yourself for a guy who's basically 300 pounds of kitty litter.
3 – Enraged, SANDMAN smashes the base of the STREETLAMP with huge mace-shaped fists as SPIDER-MAN leaps away.
SANDMAN
Smarmy little...
CAPTION
-- he was never mean-spirited.
PAGE EIGHTEEN
1 – SPIDER-MAN lands on a deserted FUEL-TRUCK.
CAPTION
As fond as that dear old man was of a certain wise and oft-repeated little adage about power and responsibility...
2 – The STREETLAMP comes down on the FUEL-TRUCK, just barely missing SPIDER-MAN.
CAPTION
...there was something else he told me just as often:
3 – SPIDER-MAN's spider-sense blares as he realizes the potential powder keg he’s standing on.
SPIDER-MAN
(small)
Uh oh.
4 – SPIDER-MAN turns to see the SANDMAN coming at him, still pissed and wielding mace-fists.
SPIDER-MAN
Hey, Sandbags?
5 – SPIDER-MAN dives into the SANDMAN's soft, sandy torso as the villain swings and misses him.
S/FX: piffff
SPIDER-MAN
I’d harden up real quick if I were you.
6 – Spider-Man is completely submerged within his granulated Grendel, and a look of confusion crosses SANDMAN's face as he looks at the FUEL-TRUCK and SPARKING STREETLAMP.
SANDMAN
...
CAPTION
"The best moments in life are the quiet ones, Pete."
PAGE NINETEEN
1 - SPLASH-PAGE of the FUEL-TRUCK exploding, and the hardened body of the SANDMAN being blown back, pin-wheeling away.
S/FX: FWOOOOOOOM!!!
CAPTION
My life is so LOUD.
PAGE TWENTY
1 – The SANDMAN lies prone against a building, hard-baked and smoldering.
SANDMAN
(weakly)
Uhn...
2 – Spider-Man's FIST bursts through SANDMAN's smoking, rock-hard chest.
S/FX: Krak!
CAPTION
No.
3 – A singed and worn-out SPIDER-MAN stands over the cracked and broken SANDMAN, looking down at him.
CAPTION
This can't be the life Ben Parker envisioned for his bashful nephew Peter.
SPIDER-MAN
(weakly)
Always a pleasure, Dirtbag.
4 – Wide shot of SPIDER-MAN web-swinging away from the devastated battlefield as a cadre of POLICE CRUISES enter the area.
SPIDER-MAN
See you next bank heist.
CAPTION
Not by a long shot.
PAGE TWENTY-ONE
1 – Big pic of PETER PARKER, SPIDER-MAN standing on a high rooftop, mask in hand, looking down at the city.
CAPTION
I loved my uncle. He taught me how to be a man. I owe him so much.
And the thought that I may not be the man he wanted me to be will haunt me to whatever grave awaits me.
But at the end of the day -- as much as I want to live up to his dreams -- my life has to be my own...
2 – Close-up of PETER's face as his spider-sense goes off.
VOICE
(off panel)
Hey, webhead!
3 – Pulling his mask back over his face, SPIDER-MAN turns to face whatever danger is bearing down on him.
CAPTION:
I'll never know what Ben wanted for me...
4 – The HUMAN TORCH soars over Spider-Man's HEAD with a look of pure joy on his face.
HUMAN TORCH
Ain't this the life?
PAGE TWENTY-TWO
1 – SPLASH PAGE. SPIDER-MAN looks over a breathtaking view of the Manhattan skyline. We can see the DAILY BUGLE and The BAXTER BUILDING. Somewhere there's a billboard with the gorgeous face of MARY JANE WATSON. The HUMAN TORCH is already far off in the distance, but we can also see THOR and IRON MAN flying in another part of the sky. This is the wonderland of Marvel's Manhattan in a single image.
SPIDER-MAN
Yeah, Torch.
It sure is.
CAPTION
...but I've got a pretty good guess...
Title: "A Life Less Extraordinary"
Credits: Lenar Clark - Writer, et. al.
And that's all she wrote...
And now, on with the show...
After his parents died in a plane crash, young Peter Parker went to live with his beloved Aunt May and Uncle Ben. Though he often suffered the ridicule of his classmates, Peter displayed a strong aptitude for learning, especially in the sciences. At a demonstration on radiation, Peter, then a high school student, was bitten by an irradiated spider, from which he gained the arachnid's incredible abilities.
Tragedy struck the Parker family when Ben was killed by a burglar. A grief-stricken Peter, realizing that he couls have prevented his uncle's death, vowed always to use his powers in the service of his fellow man.
Though he still mourns the death of his first love, Gwen Stacy, Peter is now married to the beautiful Mary Jane Watson. He lives every day remembering the words of his Uncle Ben: "with great power, there must also come great responsibility." Peter Parker is the spectacular Spider-Man, one of New York City's greatest heroes!
- Paul Jenkins, "The Final Curtain"
"Unsold Tales of Spider-Man"
Spider-Man Unlimited is a bi-monthly comic book title published by Marvel Comics which features stories written by new writers. (And by new writers, they're typically referring to established television writers who've been given a chance to try their hand at the funny book trade.) Each issue of Spider-Man Unlimited contains two 11-page stories by written and drawn by different creative teams.
I have been trying to publish a story in this title for about a year now. I have gotten farther along in this pursuit than I ever really considered possible, but I have yet to do so. (I mean, clearly. If I had, I totally would have told you by now. You think I'd waste my time and yours with longwinded , meandering recollections of a weekend in Washington, but not mention that I'd gotten a comic book published? Of course not. I don't even know why I mentioned it...)
Typically, the way it works is, if you're given the green light to pitch a story for the title, you send an e-mail detailing your ideas for three different stories featuring Spider-Man in some way. If the editorial team think one of your stories will work for an issue, they get in touch with you and hammer out the details, at which point you write a script that breaks the story down panel by panel, including art direction, dialogue and "sound" effects, at which point -- given proper editorial approval -- the script is passed to a capable team of artist who will then draw the story according to your instruction in pencil, and those pencilled stories are then passed on to an inker who traces over it. (Inkers would love you to believe that there is more involved, like creating an atmosphere with shadows and shadings, but that's all a lie, because everything that Kevin Smith says is the god honest truth.) From there it gets colored by a colorist, and a letterist with good penmanship or a sophisticated typesetting machine adds in all the word balloons and a lot of other obscure publishing things that even I'm not interested in take place, and as a result, you've got a comic book.
I mean, I'm guessing that's what happens if the editorial team thinks one of your stories will work for an issue. I don't really know. It's never happened to me.
My reasons for telling you all of this are two-fold:
(1) It occurred to me recently that a lot of you might not know exactly what I want to do with the rest of my life -- or, more accurately, exactly how I'd go about doing what I want to do with the rest of my life -- and I thought it might be nice to fill you in. Especially since I've started to worry that you think I'm trying to get stick-figure comic book stories published. I mean, if you think that's what I'm trying to do, I have to ask: why haven't you told me to stop?
(2) I want you to understand that I never should have written what I'm about to show you.
The pitching process I've described to you has been put in place so that editors don't have to read an entire script to decide whether or not they want to publish a story. They can start with a paragraph-length synopsis and work from there. The added bonus is that this process also keeps writers from going ahead and writing an entire story that's just going to get rejected. Because what are they going to do with it then? I mean, it's not like they can go to another publisher with it, because Marvel owns the characters. (And if you're thinking "Well, couldn't they just change Spider-Man to Superman and pitch it over at DC?" then you obviously weren't at Joe Kelly's panel at the Wizard World Chicago Comic Convention in 2000 in which The Man His Own Self explained that if you've written a story where the main character is interchangeable, your story's no good because it doesn't address the heart of any particular character.)
I didn't understand the pitching process a year ago. I thought it'd be more like the process of getting a short story published by a lit mag like The Missouri Review: Write it. Submit it. See what happens.
Even after I did my research on Marvel's submission guides, where you write an inquiry letter explaining why you want to work for Marvel and -- if it's acceptable -- they ask for a writing sample, I figured a Spider-Man Unlimited story would be a perfect writing sample. Turns out it wasn't, as my sample couldn't use Marvel characters, but how was I supposed to know that was going to be the case?
So, in my ignorance, during the summer of 2004, I spent a couple of days banging out "A Life Less Extraordinary," an eleven page Spider-Man story that I came up with while running along Providence Avenue and rounding the corner of Stadium Boulevard.
It's not the best story I've ever written, but I've always thought it was good enough for the standards set forth by Spider-Man Unlimited, which has published some rather drecky stories in my humble opinion...
When I lucked into an acquantanceship with a staffer at Marvel who just happened to be an assistant editor on Spider-Man Unlimited, I figured this was my chance to finally pitch this story. So when I actually mustered the courage to take my shot, I was a little thrown when I was told to provide three different story ideas.
I mean, as far as I was concerned, this story was it. The best eleven page Spider-Man story I was ever going to come up with. Anything else I pitched would pale in comparison. But I also figured that -- considering how lucky I was to get this shot at all -- I'd better just shut up and do what I was told. All I had to do was come up with two other story ideas. They didn't even have to be good ideas. They just had to be ideas that weren't total crap, which I could reasonably follow through on in the event that they somehow got picked.
One of these ideas I came up with was "The Devil and Peter Parker," which is less of a Spider-Man Unlimited story as much as it is the way I'd like to book end any run I'd do on an ongoing Spider-Man title.
The other idea I came up with was a story called "24 Hour Bug," which eventually became the story I really wanted to get published. (It was also the story that the editors were actually considering before passing on it, but that's neither here nor there.) I loved the idea for this story so much that I actually went ahead and wrote it during my downtime at work today, even though it's already been rejected.
All of this to say this: I have two unpublished Spider-Man Unlimited stories -- an entire issue's worth for those of you keeping score on your desktops -- and since they're not doing anybody any good just sitting on my computer, I thought it might be nice to share them with you. (Nice for me. Not nice for you. I'm sure it'll actually be kind of tedious for you, if this long introduction is any indication.)
Three last quick notes before I finally present you with my own personal and unpublished issue of Spider-Man Unlimited:
(1) There's no set format for writing comic book scripts. Brian Michael Bendis writes his scripts with screenwriting software, constantly referencing scene compositions from movies, like the "I've been slimed" shot from Ghostbusters. Neil Gaiman writes his scripts like they're letters to the artist. Paul Jenkins peppers his script with personal anecdotes to help convey the emotion he intends for a scene. Last I heard, Joe Kelly uses Marvel-style scripts, a format popularized by Stan Lee in which the writer breaks his stories down into pages and trusts his artist to compose the panels on their own.
I use a fairly straightforward dirty screenplay set-up in which my goals are to describe a panel as simply as possible, keep the panel per page count to a reasonable five or six maximum, and try not to clutter the page up too much with my rambling dialogue and narration.
(2) My initial draft of "A Life Less Extraordinary" contained a "yo mama" joke that took me about six months to finally remove and replace for the final draft presented today. This is the first draft of "24 Hour Bug," and it contains a Mary Jane and vicks vapor-rub gag that should probably have met a similar fate.
(3) Spider-Man and all related character names and distinctive likenesses thereof are the property of Marvel Enterprises, Inc.
And now, without further a doo-doo (except to say that if I've learned one thing from this entry thus far, it's that I may be far more excited about the prospect of writing an introduction for a tradepaper back than I am excited about writing the individual comics that would be collected in one), here comes the Spider-Man...
UNSOLD TALES OF SPIDER-MAN #1
by Lenar Clark
PAGE ONE
EXT. NEW YORK CITY ROOFTOP - MORNING
1 - CLOSE-UP on the face of the VULTURE. He looks like hell. Runny nose. Puffy red eyes. He's clearly down with the flu. Oh, and pissed.
VULTURE
(weakly)
... and strangle you with your own entrails!
*Kaff* *Kaff*
I swear, I will be your end, boy!
2 - We pull back a little to find that the VULTURE's been webbed up to one of those ROOFTOP WATER TOWERS. It's raining.
VULTURE
(weakly)
This isn't over...
*Sniffle* *Sniffle*
Not by a longshot...
3 - SPIDER-MAN stands a few feet from the VULTURE, looking up at him. He seems bored.
SPIDER-MAN
Gotta say, from where I'm standing, this little affair seems to have a whole "been there, done that" vibe going for it.
VULTURE
(weakly)
*Kaff*
You've humiliated me for the last time!
4 - SPIDER-MAN points an accusing finger at his enemy.
SPIDER-MAN
You know, a lot of the humiliation here is your fault --
(And I'm not just talking about the harebrained, aerial diamond heist thing, although, seriously, has that ever worked out for you?)
You look like hell, Vutchy. You're sick. You should be in bed. You're an old man for petesake! What were you thinking coming out in the rain like this?
VULTURE
Ah... ah...
5 - The VULTURE sneezes in SPIDER-MAN's face, spraying snot and spit all over him.
VULTURE
CHOO!!!
CAPTION
"Oh, Peter. That's disgusting."
PAGE TWO
INT. PARKER APARTMENT - NIGHT
1 - PETER sits at the dinner table while MARY JANE sets a PLATE OF FOOD down in front of him. PETER looks exhausted.
MARY JANE
He sneezed in your face?
PETER
Yeah, and you know the worst part?
Doesn't make my top ten list of grossest things that have happened to me in costume.
The time I fought Hydro-Man at the sewage plant doesn't make that list...
2 - PETER looks down at the food wearily.
PETER
You sure you don't want to order out tonight?
3 - MARY JANE glares at him.
MARY JANE
Look, I'm sorry if my cooking doesn't reach the high standards set by May Parker, mistress of the kitchen. I though you'd just appreciate the effort.
PETER
No. I do. It's just, I...
4 - PETER sprints past MARY JANE, his hand to his mouth.
PETER
Oh God!
MARY JANE
Ha ha, Mr. Parker. Enough with the theatrics already. That's my department.
5 - A look of concern crosses MARY JANE's face.
MARY JANE (small)
Peter?
PETER (off-panel)
HGMMMPH!!
PAGE THREE
1- This is our big title page panel. We see PETER from behind, on his knees in the bathroom, vomiting his guts out.
TITLE: 24-Hour Bug
S/FX: HERAARGH!!!
CAPTION: Zero hour.
CREDITS: Lenar Clark - Puking up words, Artist - Sick of drawing, etc. etc.
2 - We're looking at the closed DOOR of the Parker Apartment from the inside.
CAPTION: Hour Two
3 - Same angle, but the door opens slightly as MARY JANE enters with a BAG.
MARY JANE
Pete? I stopped off at the drug store and picked up some chest-rub.
And I rented a couple of movies, so -
4 - Same angle. The DOOR's completely open now, and MARY JANE stands at the doorway. She's horrified.
MARY JANE
What the hell are you doing?
PAGE FOUR
1 - SPIDER-MAN's been caught in the middle of climbing out the window. He looks in MARY JANE's direction.
SPIDER-MAN
(weakly)
Rhino's on a rampage in SoHo. Gotta save the day.
2 - MARY JANE stomps toward him, furious.
MARY JANE
No, Peter. No.
SPIDER-MAN
(weakly)
What?
MARY JANE
I'm not letting you go out there!
3 - SPIDER-MAN steps down from the window to face her.
SPIDER-MAN
(weakly)
Mary Jane, how many times do we have to go through this?
I know you get worried, but I gotta do this.
For I learned long ago that with great power comes --
MARY JANE
Oh, shut up!
Peter, you're sick. Remember the technicolor porcelain yawn?
4 - SPIDER-MAN starts climbing out the window again.
SPIDER-MAN
(weakly)
What? That? Just a fluke. Nothing to worry about.
I'm sure my vaunted healing factor's flushed my system by now.
5 - SPIDER-MAN looks back at MARY JANE who glares at him.
MARY JANE
You don't have a vaunted healing factor.
SPIDER-MAN
(weakly)
I don't?
MARY JANE
You're thinking of Wolverine, dear.
PAGE FIVE
1 - MARY JANE proceeds to lecture him.
MARY JANE
You do this every time you get sick.
Your powers go crazy or stop working and you get delusional, but you go out anyway and it's always a disaster.
Well not this time.
2 - SPIDER-MAN pleads his case from the window, but MARY JANE ain't havin' it.
SPIDER-MAN
(weakly)
But with great power -
MARY JANE
Stop it! You're not going out there! And you're calling in sick at work tomorrow, too!
SPIDER-MAN
(weakly)
I can't waste a sick day! I gotta save those for Avengers missions and stuff...
3 - SPIDER-MAN's spider-sense goes off.
SPIDER-MAN
(weakly)
Spider-sense?
Why's my spider-sense...
Ahhh -
4 - SPIDER-MAN sneezes in his mask.
S/FX: CHFFFFFMP!
PAGE SIX
1 - SPIDER-MAN climbs down from the window, totally skeeved. We can see MUCUS and SNOT seeping through his mask.
SPIDER-MAN
...
2 - Same.
SPIDER-MAN
(weakly)
So you said you rented some movies?
3 - PETER and MARY JANE sit on the couch in their PJs. There are tons of wadded up Kleenex around them. MARY JANE's wiping her eyes. PETER's wiping his nose.
CAPTION: Hour Five
MARY JANE
Oh Jack, don't let go...
PETER
(weakly)
Can we watch Lobster Man now?
4 - PETER and MARY JANE are in bed. She's rubbing vapor rub on his chest while PETER stares up at her dreamily.
CAPTION: Hour Eight
PETER
(weakly)
You sure you don't need me to rub any on you?
MARY JANE
Not tonight, flu-boy.
PAGE SEVEN
1 - MARY JANE pours a CUP of COFFEE in the kitchen.
CAPTION: Hour Thirteen
PETER
(weakly, off-panel)
Mary Jane...
2 - MARY JANE turns to see PETER slumped against a wall, trying to stagger into the kitchen.
MARY JANE
Peter? I thought you were sleeping...
PETER
(weakly)
Really? 'cause I...
*Kaff* *Kaff*
I think I'm dying...
3 - MARY JANE sips her coffee with a bemused smirk.
MARY JANE
God. You are such a baby.
4 - PETER takes an unsteady step forward.
PETER
*Kaff* *Kaff*
No... I'm serious...
*Sniffle*
You've got to call Reed Richards or... or Hank McCoy.
I... I think I've contracted the Legacy Virus.
5 - MARY JANE rolls her eyes.
MARY JANE
The legacy virus? Really?
Peter, there is no legacy virus any more. Besides... you're not even a mutant.
PAGE EIGHT
1 - PETER slumps lower against the wall.
PETER
(weakly)
Okay, maybe it's not that, but there's definitely something wrong with me... maybe it's *kaff* clone degeneration...
Maybe I'm not the real Peter Parker after all...
MARY JANE
Don't even joke.
2 - PETER's on the floor now.
PETER (weakly)
Maybe it's bad mojo.
*Sniffle*
Call Doctor Strange...
*Kaff*
Hell, call Doctor Doom if you gotta...
3 - MARY JANE looks down at him. He's curled up in a ball.
PETER (weakly)
Just please, call somebody...
*Kaff* *Kaff*
Please.
4 - Close-up on MARY JANE.
MARY JANE
Okay, Pete.
I'll call someone.
PAGE NINE
1 - SPIDER-MAN's trying to climb out the window again.
CAPTION: Hour Sixteen.
2 - AUNT MAY appears behind him, shouting.
AUNT MAY
Young man, you'd better get out of those tights and into that bed, or so help me...
SPIDER-MAN
(weakly)
No! You don't understand!
3 - AUNT MAY drags a seemingly helpless SPIDER-MAN away from the window by the scruff of the neck while MARY JANE watches, smiling.
SPIDER-MAN
Batroc the Leaper's up to his old tricks. If I don't stop him who will?
MARY JANE
I'm sure there's a girl scout troop out there somewhere...
PAGE TEN
1 - MARY JANE sits on the COUCH reading a MAGAZINE as AUNT MAY enters the living room.
CAPTION: Hour Twenty-One
AUNT MAY
He's resting now. I think the worst of it's over.
MARY JANE
Thanks for coming, May.
It's nice to have someone here Peter will actually listen to.
AUNT MAY
What do you mean, dear?
2 - MARY JANE sets down the magazine, frustrated.
MARY JANE
I don't know. I just wish sometimes I'd met him before he got powers and decided that he was invincible.
It'd be nice to have known him back when he had the sense to stay home with a flu.
3 - AUNT MAY smiles.
AUNT MAY
Oh, Mary Jane. You poor girl.
Peter's never had that much sense.
He damn near refused to have his appendix taken out in the seventh grade. I thought he was just afraid of hospitals. Turned out he didn't want to miss dissecting worms in science class.
And that week he had the chicken pox... He kept trying to sneak out of the house.
4 - AUNT MAY sits down next to MARY JANE.
AUNT MAY
His uncle was the same way, God bless the poor nitwit.
That's just the Parker men for you. I don't know if they think the world can't run without them or just scared of what they'll miss out on, but they won't let themselves take a break.
5 - MARY JANE smiles.
AUNT MAY
And I love them almost as much as I hate them for it.
PAGE ELEVEN
1 - PETER PARKER: SPIDER-MAN walks out of his bedroom. He's in costume, but he hasn't pulled his mask on yet. He's hale and healthy and ready to take on the world.
CAPTION: Hour Twenty-Seven
SPIDER-MAN
Wow. I feel freakin' amazing!
2 - SPIDER-MAN pulls his mask on.
SPIDER-MAN
I mean it. I am one rested up web-slinger.
3 - SPIDER-MAN turns to shout one last parting line as he climbs out the window.
SPIDER-MAN
The Sandman ain't gonna know what hit him.
4 - MARY JANE and AUNT MAY are sitting on the couch, surrounded by wadded up Kleenexes. They look like hell. Runny noses. Puffy red eyes. They're clearly down with the flu. Oh, and Mary Jane's pissed.
AUNT MAY
(weakly)
That's wonderful, dear. Glad to see you're feeling better.
MARY JANE
(weakly)
Don't forget the *&^%ing vapor-rub.
CAPTION: End.
PAGE TWELVE
EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET - DAY
1 – Close-up of SPIDER-MAN getting hammered in the face by the BLOCK-SHAPED FIST of the Sandman.
CAPTION
You know, it occurs to me...
SPIDER-MAN
WHOULF!!!
2 – Wide shot of the SANDMAN -- his right fist still in the form of a BLOCK and his left in the form of a SLEDGEHAMMER -- standing over the battered body of SPIDER-MAN, his left arm raised to crush the hero, who looks up at the villain as he shouts down at him. They're in the middle of a ravaged New York City street. Cars have been smashed. Windows have been broken. They've obviously been at it for a while.
SPIDER-MAN
(weakly)
Look, all I meant is --
given your powers and everything --
Dirtbag would have been a great name for you…
CAPTION
This probably ain't the life Uncle Ben wanted for me.
3 – SPIDER-MAN rolls to his right as the SANDMAN brings his sledgehammer fist down, hard, shattering a section of street.
S/FX: WRUNCH
SPIDER-MAN
Now how did I know you’d take that the wrong way?
CAPTION
Through all the years I've been tripping the fight fantastic, I've told myself that this was the way to honor my uncle.
This is what he'd want me to do.
4 – SPIDER-MAN leaps over the SANDMAN's head.
CAPTION
Now I'm not so sure.
PAGE THIRTEEN
1 – SPIDER-MAN lands on the wall of a nearby building, shooting twin WEB-LINES back at the off-panel Sandman.
S/FX: Thwip
SPIDER-MAN
Could it be that you're getting a little predictable in your old age?
2 – SANDMAN, expecting the WEB-LINES, creates a hole in his chest through which they pass harmlessly.
SANDMAN
Look who's talkin'.
3 – The WEB-LINES hit the smashed and broken husk of a CAR smoldering behind the Sandman.
S/FX: THWAP
CAPTION
I mean, who would wish this life on anyone?
4 – SPIDER-MAN tugs on the LINES, hard, and the SANDMAN looks back behind him, surprised.
SPIDER-MAN
Don't look now, Sandy…
SANDMAN
Whuh?
5 – SANDMAN explodes into a cloud of dusty sand as the CAR crashes into his back.
S/FX: Bassssssssh!
SPIDER-MAN
(off-panel)
I know how you hate surprises.
PAGE FOURTEEN
1 – Wide shot. SPIDER-MAN jumps down from the wall, moving toward the wrecked CAR and the dispersed pile of SAND all around it.
CAPTION
Uncle Ben expected me to get a nice research gig in a peaceful lab somewhere...
2 – SPIDER-MAN's spider-sense blazes as SAND CLOUDS rise all around him.
S/FX: ssssssssss
CAPTION
A life of quiet, scholarly pursuit...
3 – SANDMAN reforms into a massive figure, towering over the wide-eyed SPIDER-MAN.
SPIDER-MAN (small):
You feel like a big man now?
SANDMAN:
I am so #@&*ing tired of you.
SPIDER-MAN:
Tsk Tsk, Sandra D. I'd say you've got a dirty mouth...
PAGE FIFTEEN
1 – SANDMAN blasts SPIDER-MAN with a torrent of sand, inundating the wall-crawler.
S/FX: WHOOOOSHH
SPIDER-MAN
but that'd be kind of redun --
Accccck!!!
CAPTION
Not this.
2 – SPIDER-MAN is thrown back in a river of sand, past a nearby FIRE HYDRANT.
S/FX: SHHHHHHHHHHH
3 – Spider-Man desperately throws out a LEG, kicking the HYDRANT, breaking it.
S/FX: klank!
4 – A JET OF WATER shoots out from the HYDRANT, shoving SPIDER-MAN out of the sand stream.
S/FX: FLOOOSH!
5 – A soggy SPIDER-MAN struggles to his feet, leaning against a PARKING METER.
SPIDER-MAN
(weakly)
*Kaff!* * Kack!* *Kaff!*
CAPTION
He never would have wanted this.
PAGE SIXTEEN
1 – The SANDMAN looms toward his foe.
CAPTION
Gentle Ben abhorred violence.
SANDMAN
(shouting)
I’m gonna take your head off!
2 – SPIDER-MAN rips the PARKING METER up out of the sidewalk with one hand...
SPIDER-MAN
Oh, Billy Boy...
3 – ...and lauches it at the off-panel Sandman like a javelin.
SPIDER-MAN
Who would do a thing like that?
CAPTION
Me?
4 – The METER smashes through SANDMAN's head, dissipating it into dust.
S/FX: PISH!
CAPTION
I've turned it into a reluctant art form.
5 – The SANDMAN's head begins to reform, and he looks mad as hell.
S/FX: Ssssss
SANDMAN
That the best you got, bug boy?
PAGE SEVENTEEN
1 – SANDMAN pours two powerful SAND-STREAMS at SPIDER-MAN, who dodges, leaping up to a STREETLAMP.
SANDMAN
'cause you better bring yer A-Game if you wanna get the best of me!
CAPTION
And while Uncle Ben loved telling a good joke as much as the next guy --
2 – SPIDER-MAN looks down at the off-panel Sandman from his perch atop the STREETLAMP.
SPIDER-MAN
You've got a pretty high opinion of yourself for a guy who's basically 300 pounds of kitty litter.
3 – Enraged, SANDMAN smashes the base of the STREETLAMP with huge mace-shaped fists as SPIDER-MAN leaps away.
SANDMAN
Smarmy little...
CAPTION
-- he was never mean-spirited.
PAGE EIGHTEEN
1 – SPIDER-MAN lands on a deserted FUEL-TRUCK.
CAPTION
As fond as that dear old man was of a certain wise and oft-repeated little adage about power and responsibility...
2 – The STREETLAMP comes down on the FUEL-TRUCK, just barely missing SPIDER-MAN.
CAPTION
...there was something else he told me just as often:
3 – SPIDER-MAN's spider-sense blares as he realizes the potential powder keg he’s standing on.
SPIDER-MAN
(small)
Uh oh.
4 – SPIDER-MAN turns to see the SANDMAN coming at him, still pissed and wielding mace-fists.
SPIDER-MAN
Hey, Sandbags?
5 – SPIDER-MAN dives into the SANDMAN's soft, sandy torso as the villain swings and misses him.
S/FX: piffff
SPIDER-MAN
I’d harden up real quick if I were you.
6 – Spider-Man is completely submerged within his granulated Grendel, and a look of confusion crosses SANDMAN's face as he looks at the FUEL-TRUCK and SPARKING STREETLAMP.
SANDMAN
...
CAPTION
"The best moments in life are the quiet ones, Pete."
PAGE NINETEEN
1 - SPLASH-PAGE of the FUEL-TRUCK exploding, and the hardened body of the SANDMAN being blown back, pin-wheeling away.
S/FX: FWOOOOOOOM!!!
CAPTION
My life is so LOUD.
PAGE TWENTY
1 – The SANDMAN lies prone against a building, hard-baked and smoldering.
SANDMAN
(weakly)
Uhn...
2 – Spider-Man's FIST bursts through SANDMAN's smoking, rock-hard chest.
S/FX: Krak!
CAPTION
No.
3 – A singed and worn-out SPIDER-MAN stands over the cracked and broken SANDMAN, looking down at him.
CAPTION
This can't be the life Ben Parker envisioned for his bashful nephew Peter.
SPIDER-MAN
(weakly)
Always a pleasure, Dirtbag.
4 – Wide shot of SPIDER-MAN web-swinging away from the devastated battlefield as a cadre of POLICE CRUISES enter the area.
SPIDER-MAN
See you next bank heist.
CAPTION
Not by a long shot.
PAGE TWENTY-ONE
1 – Big pic of PETER PARKER, SPIDER-MAN standing on a high rooftop, mask in hand, looking down at the city.
CAPTION
I loved my uncle. He taught me how to be a man. I owe him so much.
And the thought that I may not be the man he wanted me to be will haunt me to whatever grave awaits me.
But at the end of the day -- as much as I want to live up to his dreams -- my life has to be my own...
2 – Close-up of PETER's face as his spider-sense goes off.
VOICE
(off panel)
Hey, webhead!
3 – Pulling his mask back over his face, SPIDER-MAN turns to face whatever danger is bearing down on him.
CAPTION:
I'll never know what Ben wanted for me...
4 – The HUMAN TORCH soars over Spider-Man's HEAD with a look of pure joy on his face.
HUMAN TORCH
Ain't this the life?
PAGE TWENTY-TWO
1 – SPLASH PAGE. SPIDER-MAN looks over a breathtaking view of the Manhattan skyline. We can see the DAILY BUGLE and The BAXTER BUILDING. Somewhere there's a billboard with the gorgeous face of MARY JANE WATSON. The HUMAN TORCH is already far off in the distance, but we can also see THOR and IRON MAN flying in another part of the sky. This is the wonderland of Marvel's Manhattan in a single image.
SPIDER-MAN
Yeah, Torch.
It sure is.
CAPTION
...but I've got a pretty good guess...
Title: "A Life Less Extraordinary"
Credits: Lenar Clark - Writer, et. al.
And that's all she wrote...
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