if you want to be free
then I want you to be
you're not mine anymore
you're public property
you're a slave to these people
who don't even know you
you think they adore you
they do
then they throw you away
give the people what they want
you've got to give the people what they want
got to give the people what they want
rock star
you can shine all alone
but you still need your friends
to remind you you're nothing
unless you're plugged in
'cause baby the truth is
you need their approval
to tell you you're cool
hey, but look how you pay for it
give the people what they want
you've got to give the people what they want
got to give the people what they want
rock star
rock star
rock star
oh, is that what you are?
there must be thousands of you
so you're time is encroached now
your image is dumbed down
you're full of it now
what about when it runs out?
maybe you'll come back
yeah, maybe i'll be here
you're already gone
so just go
'cause their waiting for you
yeah, you
you've got to give the people what they want
got to give the people what they want
oh, is that what you are?
- Ben Folds, "Rock Star"
"Little Black Duck on Tour"
Ladies and gentlemen, the event that you've been waiting for:
On June 22nd through 28th Lenar Clark's "Show Me Potato Salad" Tour hits the 24th State in the Union, (that's Missouri, you idiots) making appearances in Kansas City and Columbia! Come and enjoy Clark's first trip back to the Show-Me State since he was packed off to New Jersey like a fucking leper at any of the following locations:
* Clark will be signing copies of Prowler #1 at Monty's on 40 Highway. (You know, the mini-series from the early 90's written by Carl Potts. Not a new Prowler series penned by Clark himself. Seriously, I don't think Hobie Brown's been in an actual comic in at least five years.)
* Come see Clark's "Stupid Pet Tricks" featuring his little sisters Chelsey and Ja'nelle at the KC Expo Center!
* In the mood for laughter? Clark and old comedy partner J. Q. Smith reunite to perform their classic two-man show, "Hey Justin, You Got Any Radiohead?" One night only at the Starlight Theatre.
* See Clark ride uncomfortably in a monster truck! Or at least Brent's run-down Chevy! Idling slowly by the KC Motorway!
* Clark will be organizing a big game of tag at Sarah Livingood Coleman Park. Tag-backs so allowed!
* Clark will be doing a reading of James Joyce's Finnegan's Wake at the Barnes and Noble in Columbia. Come one! Come all! Who cares about Jeffries and her rules?
* Join us for "Clark in the Park", where Clark will perform covers of his favorite They Might Be Giants songs with the harmonica he found on the floor in the men's restroom!
* Clark will be hosting a special free screening of Batman Begins at The Ocho! (Price subject to change.)
* See Clark play with former Ben Folds Five members Robert Sledge and Darren Jesse at an in-store appearance at Slackers CD and Games!
* Ragtag Cinema is sponsoring auditions for Clark's upcoming independent film "Little Brown Boy Blues," with principle shooting to begin twenty minutes after final casting. (Male half-Japanese Jews between the ages of 18 and 24 strongly encouraged to audition.)
* Please come to Allen Auditorium in the University of Missouri's Arts & Sciences Building where Clark has prepared a lecture on why he has to leave.
* And finally, attend the Little Black Duck Q & A session down at the hollowed out remains of The Barrio, where Clark will field any and all questions related to the long-stalled series of graphic novels. Free punch and pie. (And by that, I mean warm Coca-Cola and cold pizza.)
Tickets available through TicketMaster or charge by phone!
Wait? What's that? You can't make it to the Starlight Theatre? You're too scared of Kate to come to the Barnes and Noble reading? You don't want to see Clark feed his seven-year-old sister a milkbone dog treat?
Let me get this straight: You can't make it to any of the planned events, but you still want to see Clark on the "Show Me Potato Salad" Tour?
Well then, this is your lucky day, asshole! Just copy, paste, and complete the form below in an e-mail to littleblackduck@gmail.com with the subject line "SHOW ME POTATO SALAD!" and we'll see if we can squeeze you in.
**
"SHOW ME POTATO SALAD" EVENT REQUEST FORM
1) When's the best time for Clark to see you?
2) What do you want to do with Clark?
3) Where the hell is this shit going down?
4) Who will be there?
5) How much money will it cost?
a. Less than 20 bucks.
b. More than 50.
c. THERE IS NO C, IT'S ONE OR THE OTHER. IF I SPEND $27.35, YOU'LL BE SO FUCKING SORRY!
6) Can Clark be drunk for this?
7) Possibility of Clark "losing his man-flower" at this event:
a. 100% guaranteed (Please note: If you answer A, you will be held to this.)
b. 50 - 50. Because if you think about it, the probability of any event is 50%. It either happens or it doesn't. By the way, I'm an insufferable smarty-pants.
c. 36?! Wait. Is that including me?
d. Uh, dude, you're a 22-year-old comic geek. Give up. It's never going to happen.
8) Will there be potato salad?
i. If no, don't bother completing this. You're useless to me.
ii. If yes, will the potato salad be Germanic in origin?
(Be Advised: There is an answer to this question that will get you an audience with The Great and Powerful Clark, So Marvelous in His Splendor and there's an answer that will ensure you never see Clark's Well-Toned Black Ass again. Which is which? You got me. I just work here.)
**
Please send in your request before Batman Begins begins playing in theatres. (That's June 15th... which is June 28th to all those Daredevil English Majors out there. You know who you are.) Also, keep in mind, your request will be processed and decided on the basis of first-come, first-serve with mitigating factors including: (a)thoroughness and creativity displayed in the completion of your official request, (b) if you can tell me where the phrase "Show Me Potato Salad!" comes from, and/or (c) if you mail me the mandatry $20 application fee.
Oh, who am I kidding? I'll go wherever there's booze and loose women and be damn grateful for the opportunity.
"Doomed to Repeat It"
Speaking of loose women, I watched the last five minutes of Beauty and the Geek the other day while making grilled cheese sandwiches with whiskey and waiting for Teen Titans to come on.
Apparantly, the show ends with a trivia contest. The host asked one of the "beauties" the following question:
"Who was president during the Civil War?"
She thought about this for the full limit of her time allowance and then answered "Hoover".
But wait. I'm not finished yet.
After it was explained to her that she was, in fact, mistaken, the host then went on to tell her the correct answer, perhaps in the hope that it might not be too late for her, but honestly, they should have just put her down at that point.
Anyhoozle, upon hearing the name of the Great Emancipator, she exclaimed -- apropos of nothing -- "Oh. Right. D-Day."
Son of a bitch, I am so sick of that Kelso...
"Cut, Paste, Hack"
As I said at the start: I am coming back to Missouri for a week. That gives me seven days: one for the blessed event that brings me down that way, one to hang out with my family and high school friends, one to go down to Columbia and visit with whatever losers didn't have the good sense to go home and enjoy their summers with their families while they still could, but only four days to spend with my comic book collection: you know, updating my records and reorganizing everything autobiographically. (If you wanna find Daredevil: Man Without Fear by Frank Miller and John Romita, Jr., you have to know that I bought it for someone in the fall of 1998 but didn't give it to them for personal reasons.) And now that I think about it, I'm going to have to spend one of those days flying back to this shithole coastline, so I may have to skip out on the wedding.
...
Okay. You wanna know what the sickest thing about this is? I have used the above paragraph, with minimal changes in at least six e-mails to different people. Actually, this is the modified Prewitt version. (This is actually the first time I've ever suggested skipping the wedding. Usually I go with skipping out on my high school friends if the person I'm writing to is one of them, or the Columbia trip if they're one of the losers who didn't have the good sense, etc. etc.)
This isn't the only paragraph I've done this with. I do it all the time.
At least Jacobs respects his friends enough to tell them it's a mass e-mail. I've got to be all sneaky about it.
Here's the thing I don't think you people understand: If I'm going to be a professional writer, I'm gonna have to start charging eventually, so if you want a wholly original e-mail, you're going to have to fork over some cash.
Hell, the second I figure out some way to make this blog a paysite... well there you go.
"Fantastic Five"
It's become abundantly clear to me that I have no real interest in a romantic relationship with anyone. I'm not asexual by any means (unless you count my defacto celibacy, and if you are, let me ask you: why are you being such a bitch?), but apparently, I'm going to waste my life pursuing wild fantasies instead of ever having to face the meat-hook realities of an actual relationship. You know, like bad sex, stupid fights about who doesn't think about whom's feelings, pregnancy scares and money problems, parents that don't like me, and the grim fucking spectre of premature ejaculation (oh how I hate you so).
No sir, it's fantasy girls who strike the fancy of this little black duck. What type of fantasy girls? I'll tell you what type of fantasy girls. Fantasy girls I'll never be with in a thousand years. Fantasy girls like...
Christine from Los Angeles
Who she is: She won this Burger King contest to decide the programming schedule on Adult Swim for the night of May 29, 2005.
Why I burn for her: She put on, like, four episodes of Venture Brothers. I mean, she didn't pick what I consider to be the best Venture Brothers episodes, (I love "Trial of the Monarch," but who doesn't? You know what episode floors me for reasons I don't understand? "Past Tense.") but Venture Brothers is Venture Brothers if motherfucking Venture Brothers. The rest of her choices (the last episode of Futurama, two Home Movies, a Family Guy I actually haven't seen a million times and a bunch of Aquateen Hungerforce to fill out the rest of the night) weren't too bad either. (I'm not the biggest fan of that last Futurama episode, "The Devil's Hands are Idle Play Things." It's okay, but I don't worship it like some people. I like Home Movies and Family Guy. I can stand Aquateen Hungerforce, but two hours worth of episodes? Let's face it, you only need those two Moonanites episodes to say everything you need to say about that show. How about some Sealab? You've got to give "Der Dieb" some consideration, and the absense of "Bizarro" is nothing short of a crime against humanity. And you gotta throw on Tom Goes to the Mayor's "Rats off to Ya!" to placate Hank. Maybe even scrounge up a Space Ghost: Coast to Coast for the brother. Then you throw on a random episode of Fooly Cooly to confuse the hell out of everybody and call it a night. Simple.)
I mean, she's also an English major, but really, it was the Venture Brothers. Oh, and she's Asian. ("I love Asian chicks." That's the second Clerks: The Animated Series reference I've made without really understanding why I'm making it in as many days. Maybe I need to go ahead and replace my VHS copy with a good old DVD. I think it's only $9.44 at Target.)
The Older Woman Who Always Smiles at Me When I See Her in the Halls at Work
Who she is: Uh, the older woman who always smiles at me when I see her in the halls at work. Jesus. Can't you fuckers read?
Why I burn for her: Tough to say. She's not drop dead gorgeous or anything, but she seems nice enough. Kind of warm, you know? And she's totally my older-woman-who-ushers-me-to-manhood-with-kindness-and-understanding-'til-I-get-the-hang-of-it-and-we-just-tear-into-each-other fantasy.
...
Whoa. Did I just cross the line? I mean, there has to be a point in which you know entirely too much about a person. Besides, I think my sister might be reading my blog now... She doesn't need to see that.
But apparantly I'm gonna post it anyway.
Gail Simone
Who she is: She's a comic book writer who also wrote "Double Date," the most recent episode of Cartoon Network's Justice League Unlimited featuring The Question, Huntress, and those classic chromatic lovebirds Green Arrow and Black Canary.
Why I burn for her: Here, the attraction is purely intellectual. I don't even know what she looks like. But she made a brief but meaningful reference to Tommy Monaghan in her episode of JLU. We're talking about a woman who loves mainstream superhero comics. What am I saying? We're not talking about a woman who just loves mainstream superhero comics -- she writes them! She penned the funniest Deadpool since Kelly left the title and ran off to DC. Come on! If that's not hot, I don't know what is!
Alexis Bledel
Who she is: She's an actress most notable for her role as Rory Gilmore on the hit WB drama Gilmore Girls and the role of Lena in the recently released Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. (I still haven't seen this flick because both Kate and my grandmother went to see without me -- but you know, not together without me. Wait. Did they?) She also would have been a series regular on Tobey & Clark if fucking FX hadn't passed on the pilot.
Why I burn for her: Really I think I just want to claim that I'm attracted to her in some desperate bid to prove that watching Gilmore Girls religiously doesn't make me any less of a man in the old-fashioned, wrongheaded, fairly homophobic way. But come on, she was in Rushmore and Sin City and the very Fables-like, though largely unknown indy short DysEnchanted! That's pretty cool, right? (Although I didn't really buy her as a whore in Sin City. [Must... fight urge... to make... a very Jones-like... "But I'd like to" joke...] Plus, did anyone else find it funny that even in her role as a prostitute she still had a very close relationship with her mom? In that whole last scene when she's on the phone with her, I kept expecting them to cut to Lauren Graham or at least to hear her voice. Apparantly me and Robert Rodriguez don't have the same sense of humor. Go fig.)
Plus, while doing research for Tobey & Clark episode 1.03, I learned that at one point, her favorite show was Ed, and mutual appreciation of the same TV shows and movies is clearly the cornerstone of any healthy romance.
She Who Must Not Be Named
Who she is: I clearly don't want you to know. Hence the vague nom-du-bloggo, shit for brains. It's none of your business. What? Don't look at me like that. Oh, you think it's obvious do you, Mr. Smarty-Pants Prewitt? And I see you shaking your head over there, Franny Face. And you! What the hell are you doing here? Didn't I tell you not to read this? Weren't you warned?! Oh, you're so vain!
Well you know what? You people don't know me! I could be talking about Rachel of Jeffries! Yeah! Deal with that!
Why I burn for her: Look, I don't know... Seriously, what's with all the questions? Do you people have to know everything about me? Can't I keep some tiny part of myself for me, you bloody jackals?! I'm a person, not a clown! You think I was put on the planet for the sole purpose of fascinating and amusing you? Don't you see that it's the thought that I just might have been that's fucked me up so much?! That's why I can't have a normal relationship! Lord knows if I found some nice girl who liked me without the usual "but..." you'd all complain about how boring my blog had become. Mephisto said it best: "Well geez, Clark, tee-hee. If you were happy you probably couldn't write as well."
Well fuck you! You don't own me! Why don't you go get lives of your own?!
What's that? You do have lives and I'm the one who builds his entire existence around this blog? Well that's just not... So what?
So what if I do? I got nothing else! Who the fuck are you to judge me? You're the one who's damaged. Not me, man. Not me...
Told you I was gonna lose it...
then I want you to be
you're not mine anymore
you're public property
you're a slave to these people
who don't even know you
you think they adore you
they do
then they throw you away
give the people what they want
you've got to give the people what they want
got to give the people what they want
rock star
you can shine all alone
but you still need your friends
to remind you you're nothing
unless you're plugged in
'cause baby the truth is
you need their approval
to tell you you're cool
hey, but look how you pay for it
give the people what they want
you've got to give the people what they want
got to give the people what they want
rock star
rock star
rock star
oh, is that what you are?
there must be thousands of you
so you're time is encroached now
your image is dumbed down
you're full of it now
what about when it runs out?
maybe you'll come back
yeah, maybe i'll be here
you're already gone
so just go
'cause their waiting for you
yeah, you
you've got to give the people what they want
got to give the people what they want
oh, is that what you are?
- Ben Folds, "Rock Star"
"Little Black Duck on Tour"
Ladies and gentlemen, the event that you've been waiting for:
On June 22nd through 28th Lenar Clark's "Show Me Potato Salad" Tour hits the 24th State in the Union, (that's Missouri, you idiots) making appearances in Kansas City and Columbia! Come and enjoy Clark's first trip back to the Show-Me State since he was packed off to New Jersey like a fucking leper at any of the following locations:
* Clark will be signing copies of Prowler #1 at Monty's on 40 Highway. (You know, the mini-series from the early 90's written by Carl Potts. Not a new Prowler series penned by Clark himself. Seriously, I don't think Hobie Brown's been in an actual comic in at least five years.)
* Come see Clark's "Stupid Pet Tricks" featuring his little sisters Chelsey and Ja'nelle at the KC Expo Center!
* In the mood for laughter? Clark and old comedy partner J. Q. Smith reunite to perform their classic two-man show, "Hey Justin, You Got Any Radiohead?" One night only at the Starlight Theatre.
* See Clark ride uncomfortably in a monster truck! Or at least Brent's run-down Chevy! Idling slowly by the KC Motorway!
* Clark will be organizing a big game of tag at Sarah Livingood Coleman Park. Tag-backs so allowed!
* Clark will be doing a reading of James Joyce's Finnegan's Wake at the Barnes and Noble in Columbia. Come one! Come all! Who cares about Jeffries and her rules?
* Join us for "Clark in the Park", where Clark will perform covers of his favorite They Might Be Giants songs with the harmonica he found on the floor in the men's restroom!
* Clark will be hosting a special free screening of Batman Begins at The Ocho! (Price subject to change.)
* See Clark play with former Ben Folds Five members Robert Sledge and Darren Jesse at an in-store appearance at Slackers CD and Games!
* Ragtag Cinema is sponsoring auditions for Clark's upcoming independent film "Little Brown Boy Blues," with principle shooting to begin twenty minutes after final casting. (Male half-Japanese Jews between the ages of 18 and 24 strongly encouraged to audition.)
* Please come to Allen Auditorium in the University of Missouri's Arts & Sciences Building where Clark has prepared a lecture on why he has to leave.
* And finally, attend the Little Black Duck Q & A session down at the hollowed out remains of The Barrio, where Clark will field any and all questions related to the long-stalled series of graphic novels. Free punch and pie. (And by that, I mean warm Coca-Cola and cold pizza.)
Tickets available through TicketMaster or charge by phone!
Wait? What's that? You can't make it to the Starlight Theatre? You're too scared of Kate to come to the Barnes and Noble reading? You don't want to see Clark feed his seven-year-old sister a milkbone dog treat?
Let me get this straight: You can't make it to any of the planned events, but you still want to see Clark on the "Show Me Potato Salad" Tour?
Well then, this is your lucky day, asshole! Just copy, paste, and complete the form below in an e-mail to littleblackduck@gmail.com with the subject line "SHOW ME POTATO SALAD!" and we'll see if we can squeeze you in.
**
"SHOW ME POTATO SALAD" EVENT REQUEST FORM
1) When's the best time for Clark to see you?
2) What do you want to do with Clark?
3) Where the hell is this shit going down?
4) Who will be there?
5) How much money will it cost?
a. Less than 20 bucks.
b. More than 50.
c. THERE IS NO C, IT'S ONE OR THE OTHER. IF I SPEND $27.35, YOU'LL BE SO FUCKING SORRY!
6) Can Clark be drunk for this?
7) Possibility of Clark "losing his man-flower" at this event:
a. 100% guaranteed (Please note: If you answer A, you will be held to this.)
b. 50 - 50. Because if you think about it, the probability of any event is 50%. It either happens or it doesn't. By the way, I'm an insufferable smarty-pants.
c. 36?! Wait. Is that including me?
d. Uh, dude, you're a 22-year-old comic geek. Give up. It's never going to happen.
8) Will there be potato salad?
i. If no, don't bother completing this. You're useless to me.
ii. If yes, will the potato salad be Germanic in origin?
(Be Advised: There is an answer to this question that will get you an audience with The Great and Powerful Clark, So Marvelous in His Splendor and there's an answer that will ensure you never see Clark's Well-Toned Black Ass again. Which is which? You got me. I just work here.)
**
Please send in your request before Batman Begins begins playing in theatres. (That's June 15th... which is June 28th to all those Daredevil English Majors out there. You know who you are.) Also, keep in mind, your request will be processed and decided on the basis of first-come, first-serve with mitigating factors including: (a)thoroughness and creativity displayed in the completion of your official request, (b) if you can tell me where the phrase "Show Me Potato Salad!" comes from, and/or (c) if you mail me the mandatry $20 application fee.
Oh, who am I kidding? I'll go wherever there's booze and loose women and be damn grateful for the opportunity.
"Doomed to Repeat It"
Speaking of loose women, I watched the last five minutes of Beauty and the Geek the other day while making grilled cheese sandwiches with whiskey and waiting for Teen Titans to come on.
Apparantly, the show ends with a trivia contest. The host asked one of the "beauties" the following question:
"Who was president during the Civil War?"
She thought about this for the full limit of her time allowance and then answered "Hoover".
But wait. I'm not finished yet.
After it was explained to her that she was, in fact, mistaken, the host then went on to tell her the correct answer, perhaps in the hope that it might not be too late for her, but honestly, they should have just put her down at that point.
Anyhoozle, upon hearing the name of the Great Emancipator, she exclaimed -- apropos of nothing -- "Oh. Right. D-Day."
Son of a bitch, I am so sick of that Kelso...
"Cut, Paste, Hack"
As I said at the start: I am coming back to Missouri for a week. That gives me seven days: one for the blessed event that brings me down that way, one to hang out with my family and high school friends, one to go down to Columbia and visit with whatever losers didn't have the good sense to go home and enjoy their summers with their families while they still could, but only four days to spend with my comic book collection: you know, updating my records and reorganizing everything autobiographically. (If you wanna find Daredevil: Man Without Fear by Frank Miller and John Romita, Jr., you have to know that I bought it for someone in the fall of 1998 but didn't give it to them for personal reasons.) And now that I think about it, I'm going to have to spend one of those days flying back to this shithole coastline, so I may have to skip out on the wedding.
...
Okay. You wanna know what the sickest thing about this is? I have used the above paragraph, with minimal changes in at least six e-mails to different people. Actually, this is the modified Prewitt version. (This is actually the first time I've ever suggested skipping the wedding. Usually I go with skipping out on my high school friends if the person I'm writing to is one of them, or the Columbia trip if they're one of the losers who didn't have the good sense, etc. etc.)
This isn't the only paragraph I've done this with. I do it all the time.
At least Jacobs respects his friends enough to tell them it's a mass e-mail. I've got to be all sneaky about it.
Here's the thing I don't think you people understand: If I'm going to be a professional writer, I'm gonna have to start charging eventually, so if you want a wholly original e-mail, you're going to have to fork over some cash.
Hell, the second I figure out some way to make this blog a paysite... well there you go.
"Fantastic Five"
It's become abundantly clear to me that I have no real interest in a romantic relationship with anyone. I'm not asexual by any means (unless you count my defacto celibacy, and if you are, let me ask you: why are you being such a bitch?), but apparently, I'm going to waste my life pursuing wild fantasies instead of ever having to face the meat-hook realities of an actual relationship. You know, like bad sex, stupid fights about who doesn't think about whom's feelings, pregnancy scares and money problems, parents that don't like me, and the grim fucking spectre of premature ejaculation (oh how I hate you so).
No sir, it's fantasy girls who strike the fancy of this little black duck. What type of fantasy girls? I'll tell you what type of fantasy girls. Fantasy girls I'll never be with in a thousand years. Fantasy girls like...
Christine from Los Angeles
Who she is: She won this Burger King contest to decide the programming schedule on Adult Swim for the night of May 29, 2005.
Why I burn for her: She put on, like, four episodes of Venture Brothers. I mean, she didn't pick what I consider to be the best Venture Brothers episodes, (I love "Trial of the Monarch," but who doesn't? You know what episode floors me for reasons I don't understand? "Past Tense.") but Venture Brothers is Venture Brothers if motherfucking Venture Brothers. The rest of her choices (the last episode of Futurama, two Home Movies, a Family Guy I actually haven't seen a million times and a bunch of Aquateen Hungerforce to fill out the rest of the night) weren't too bad either. (I'm not the biggest fan of that last Futurama episode, "The Devil's Hands are Idle Play Things." It's okay, but I don't worship it like some people. I like Home Movies and Family Guy. I can stand Aquateen Hungerforce, but two hours worth of episodes? Let's face it, you only need those two Moonanites episodes to say everything you need to say about that show. How about some Sealab? You've got to give "Der Dieb" some consideration, and the absense of "Bizarro" is nothing short of a crime against humanity. And you gotta throw on Tom Goes to the Mayor's "Rats off to Ya!" to placate Hank. Maybe even scrounge up a Space Ghost: Coast to Coast for the brother. Then you throw on a random episode of Fooly Cooly to confuse the hell out of everybody and call it a night. Simple.)
I mean, she's also an English major, but really, it was the Venture Brothers. Oh, and she's Asian. ("I love Asian chicks." That's the second Clerks: The Animated Series reference I've made without really understanding why I'm making it in as many days. Maybe I need to go ahead and replace my VHS copy with a good old DVD. I think it's only $9.44 at Target.)
The Older Woman Who Always Smiles at Me When I See Her in the Halls at Work
Who she is: Uh, the older woman who always smiles at me when I see her in the halls at work. Jesus. Can't you fuckers read?
Why I burn for her: Tough to say. She's not drop dead gorgeous or anything, but she seems nice enough. Kind of warm, you know? And she's totally my older-woman-who-ushers-me-to-manhood-with-kindness-and-understanding-'til-I-get-the-hang-of-it-and-we-just-tear-into-each-other fantasy.
...
Whoa. Did I just cross the line? I mean, there has to be a point in which you know entirely too much about a person. Besides, I think my sister might be reading my blog now... She doesn't need to see that.
But apparantly I'm gonna post it anyway.
Gail Simone
Who she is: She's a comic book writer who also wrote "Double Date," the most recent episode of Cartoon Network's Justice League Unlimited featuring The Question, Huntress, and those classic chromatic lovebirds Green Arrow and Black Canary.
Why I burn for her: Here, the attraction is purely intellectual. I don't even know what she looks like. But she made a brief but meaningful reference to Tommy Monaghan in her episode of JLU. We're talking about a woman who loves mainstream superhero comics. What am I saying? We're not talking about a woman who just loves mainstream superhero comics -- she writes them! She penned the funniest Deadpool since Kelly left the title and ran off to DC. Come on! If that's not hot, I don't know what is!
Alexis Bledel
Who she is: She's an actress most notable for her role as Rory Gilmore on the hit WB drama Gilmore Girls and the role of Lena in the recently released Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. (I still haven't seen this flick because both Kate and my grandmother went to see without me -- but you know, not together without me. Wait. Did they?) She also would have been a series regular on Tobey & Clark if fucking FX hadn't passed on the pilot.
Why I burn for her: Really I think I just want to claim that I'm attracted to her in some desperate bid to prove that watching Gilmore Girls religiously doesn't make me any less of a man in the old-fashioned, wrongheaded, fairly homophobic way. But come on, she was in Rushmore and Sin City and the very Fables-like, though largely unknown indy short DysEnchanted! That's pretty cool, right? (Although I didn't really buy her as a whore in Sin City. [Must... fight urge... to make... a very Jones-like... "But I'd like to" joke...] Plus, did anyone else find it funny that even in her role as a prostitute she still had a very close relationship with her mom? In that whole last scene when she's on the phone with her, I kept expecting them to cut to Lauren Graham or at least to hear her voice. Apparantly me and Robert Rodriguez don't have the same sense of humor. Go fig.)
Plus, while doing research for Tobey & Clark episode 1.03, I learned that at one point, her favorite show was Ed, and mutual appreciation of the same TV shows and movies is clearly the cornerstone of any healthy romance.
She Who Must Not Be Named
Who she is: I clearly don't want you to know. Hence the vague nom-du-bloggo, shit for brains. It's none of your business. What? Don't look at me like that. Oh, you think it's obvious do you, Mr. Smarty-Pants Prewitt? And I see you shaking your head over there, Franny Face. And you! What the hell are you doing here? Didn't I tell you not to read this? Weren't you warned?! Oh, you're so vain!
Well you know what? You people don't know me! I could be talking about Rachel of Jeffries! Yeah! Deal with that!
Why I burn for her: Look, I don't know... Seriously, what's with all the questions? Do you people have to know everything about me? Can't I keep some tiny part of myself for me, you bloody jackals?! I'm a person, not a clown! You think I was put on the planet for the sole purpose of fascinating and amusing you? Don't you see that it's the thought that I just might have been that's fucked me up so much?! That's why I can't have a normal relationship! Lord knows if I found some nice girl who liked me without the usual "but..." you'd all complain about how boring my blog had become. Mephisto said it best: "Well geez, Clark, tee-hee. If you were happy you probably couldn't write as well."
Well fuck you! You don't own me! Why don't you go get lives of your own?!
What's that? You do have lives and I'm the one who builds his entire existence around this blog? Well that's just not... So what?
So what if I do? I got nothing else! Who the fuck are you to judge me? You're the one who's damaged. Not me, man. Not me...
Told you I was gonna lose it...
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