Good afternoon, everyone. As you know, we of the Christian faith believe that Jesus is not really dead, but that He must let the world think that He is dead... until He can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within Him... dun, dun, dun dun duuuun!
- Steve Callaghan, "Mr. Saturday Knight"

"The Passion of the Hulk"
As a bit of a follow up to the wildly popular Teen Titans Christmas story, I was going to post a spin-off story detailing the Secret Origin of the Incredible Hulk.

It was going to open on a Friday -- good for some but not for others -- many, many years ago, in which a badly beaten Jesus would lift His head from His tortuous perch on the cross and beseech the Heavens, "Father why have You forsaken Me?!" Then He would add, "It makes Me angry... and You won't like Me when I'm angry."

Then Christ was going to Hulk out and just go wild. Of particular note would have been the bit where He rips one of the other two crosses out of the ground and uses it as a bludgeon to swat back Roman soldiers all while the thief is still nailed to it, screaming bloody murder.

It all would have gone a long way to explaining how the tapestry in the Temple got torn, how Paul was really blinded on the road to Damascus, and how that stone in front of His tomb really got moved -- to say nothing of the terrible truth of where it wound up. And then it would have just kept going, detailing Jesus's meandering journey through the centuries, and tying them into historical events up through the present day:

Why did the Roman Empire fall? The Incredible Christ knocked it over.

What was the real purpose for the Great Wall of China? To keep the Incredible Christ out.

Who killed the dinosaurs? Leonardo Da Vinci built a time machine in 1497 to fling the Incredible Christ back through time in a futile attempt to save us from His unending rage.

I think you get the idea: No one's ever gonna take my life from me. I lay it down. A BEAST is born.

I was going to do this terrible thing...

I was going to tell this strange story in which a rampaging Messiah smashes a fiery path through Pompeii, topples Atlantis into the ocean, and unleashes hell on Nagasaki...

I was going to totally make your weekend, but I just couldn't do it.

I found myself stymied. Stymied not by good taste and common decency, but by the cruel fact that I only came up with this unimpeachably brilliant bit of sheer genius this morning, and had no time to actually pull it off.

Oh well. Maybe next year. Guess I'll just pop in The Passion and blast a little Wilco like always.

Happy Easter, you silly Christians.

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