Well here we are again, again.
Last year, due to the sprawling "deletion" between volumes of Fimbulvintr, we missed out on one of my favorite summertime blog traditions: the annual episode of Tobey & Clark. And for that, I am heartily sorry.
My attempt to rectify my failure with a New Years themed episode was squahsed by the network, who still refuses to air the completed episode -- because it involves the once hot-button issue of Scientology and those suits fear The Cruise.
But I, of course, digress.
I don't know when, if ever, you'll get to see Episode 1.03 - "TOBEY & CLARK'S NEW YEARS ROCKING EVE" which kicked off the Alexis Bledel storyline. Maybe if we get a DVD release. But I'm trying not to stop that from letting us move on, because in these troubled times, we need Tobey & Clark out there, searching for Chinese restaurants for all of us.
And so, without further ado...
TOBEY & CLARK
Episode 1.04 – "SAGA OF THE ALIEN ARMANI"
TEASER
Open on BLACK TITLECARD as Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy" plays.
TITLECARD:
My momma always said, how a man wears a suit is about the man. Not the fit.
-Warren Ellis
The song continues as we DISSOLVE to:
INT. JJJ's JIGGLY JOINT – LATE MORNING
STRIPPERS work the poles while DEGENERATE ASSHOLES watch them gyrate. In a corner booth, LENAR CLARK sits alone, dressed in a characteristically shabby manner: A threadbare henley, black denim shorts with a racing stripes and a torn out crotch, and battered and beaten within a millimeter of their sole pair of Chuck Taylors.
TOBEY enters and sits down next to him.
TOBEY
I have no idea why you insist on meeting here.
CLARK
Are you kidding? This is the modern day Heorot! Splendid and ornamented with gold!
The building in which powerful men hold court! The foremost of halls under heaven!
Its radiance shines over many lands!
TOBEY looks over at one of the DEGENERATE ASSHOLES. The guy's half in the bag and it isn't even noon. This is a guy who's clearly failed in every goal he set forth in his life, and has ended up not only less than he could have been, but a shell of his former self. It's fucking DAVE SCHWIMMER.
TOBEY
Clark, how drunk are you right now?
CLARK holds up his glass.
CLARK
I haven't been drinking. Margaritas don't count.
TOBEY
So I take it the job interview didn't go so hot.
CLARK
It was a disaster.
TOBEY
It was so bad that you went home, changed into your comfort clothes, then came here to call me?
CLARK
It was so bad I came straight here.
TOBEY
Wait. That's what you wore?
CLARK
What's wrong with my outfit?
TOBEY
I can see your boxers. And really... Fantastic Four? There comes a point where it stops being a hobby and borders on fetish... and you're about thirty yards past that particular chain-link fence.
CLARK
Well what am I supposed to do? I don't have money for new fancy clothes. I don't have money, because I don't have a job. And apparently, I don't have a job because I don't have new fancy clothes. It's a vicious cycle fueled by this country's terrible history of institutionalized racism.
TOBEY
So you don't have money for pants with crotches, but you can afford ten comic books a week.
CLARK
Those are business expenses! Jesus, this is depressing. I've got another freaking interview this afternoon.
TOBEY gets up.
TOBEY
Let's go, Hobo Brown.
CLARK
It's Hobie.
INT. TAILOR – AFTERNOON
CLARK's getting fitted for a spectacular ARMANI SUIT. TOBEY sits in a chair thumbing through Entertainment Weekly while the GORGEOUS ITALIAN SEAMSTRESS measures CLARK's shoulders.
CLARK
I think we should measure my inseam again.
GORGEOUS ITALIAN SEAMSTRESS
We did so many times.
CLARK
Yeah, but I was still hot from the street then. Now that I've had the chance to cool down in the air conditioning, I've probably contracted.
TOBEY
Clark, stop sexually harassing the tailor.
CLARK
Fine! God! Heaven forbid I want to make sure I've got plenty of crotch space in your old pants, you tightwad.
TOBEY
We've really been pushing the crotch humor this morning.
CLARK
Yeah. I feel like I've said "crotch," like, five times. It's starting to sound funny to me. Crotch.
TOBEY
Crotch. Yeah. That does sound weird.
CLARK
Crotch.
TOBEY
Crotch.
CLARK
Crotch.
TOBEY
Crotch.
CLARK
Crotch.
TOBEY
Crotch.
GORGEOUS ITALIAN SEAMSTRESS
Please stop that.
TOBEY and CLARK
Yes ma'am.
Beat.
TOBEY and CLARK
(in unison)
Crotch.
END TEASER.
*
OPENING CREDITS with Wilco’s “Theologians” as theme song:
theologians
they don't know nothing
about my soul
about my soul
i'm an ocean
an abyss in motion
slow motion
slow motion
inlitterati lumen fidei
god is with us everyday
that illiterate light
is with us every night
theologians
that don't know nothing
about my soul
oh they don't know
they thin my heart with little things
and my life with change
oh in so many ways
i find more missing every day
theologians
i'm going away
where you will look for me
where I'm going you cannot come
no one's ever gonna take my life from me
i lay it down
a ghost is born
a ghost is born
a ghost is born
i'm an ocean
i'm all emotion
i'm a cherry ghost
cherry ghost
hey i'm a cherry ghost
a cherry ghost
*
EXT. LOS ANGELES STREET
TOBEY and CLARK walk out of the Tailor shop onto the street. CLARK's wearing the suit. It's sleek. It's black. It actually looks good on him.
TOBEY
So? What do you think?
CLARK
I guess it's alright.
TOBEY
You guess? That suits one of a kind. Giorgio Armani his ownself designed it personally for the premiere of Seabiscuit.
CLARK
Seabiscuit? Why can't I have the suit you wore to the Spider-Man premiere?
TOBEY
Some idiot ran up to me at the after-party and hosed me with one of those stupid fake webshooter things.
CLARK
I said I was sorry.
TOBEY
Then you did the exact same thing at the Spider-Man 2 premiere.
CLARK
That wasn't me. That was Bill Nunn.
TOBEY
(shocked)
The hell you say!
CLARK
We all look the same to you, don't we, Maguire?
TOBEY
I just thought you'd put on some weight.
CLARK
That's precious. Anyhoozle, what do I owe you for this little number? A nice meal at Mendy's? ‘cause if that's the case, eat soup at your peril, Maguire! I won't have this debt hanging over my head!
TOBEY
What the hell are you talking about?
CLARK
Seinfeld? "The Soup". Kenny Banya? Hello?
Clearly, none of this registers with TOBEY.
CLARK
Jesus, Maguire! What'd you do in the 90's?
TOBEY
Me and DiCaprio went to town with the ladies.
CLARK
You poor dumb bastard. You've never really lived, have you?
TOBEY
Yeah. I'm clearly the one who's missed out here. And don't worry about paying me back. That suit cost more than you'll make in your entire life.
CLARK
You sound so proud of that. You know there are kids starving in Compton, right?
TOBEY
So just because you dress like a bum, it's okay for you to step over them in the street?
CLARK
Pretty much. As long as you acknowledge there's injustice, you don't actually have to do anything about it. It's in the liberal handbook.
TOBEY
Crotch.
CLARK
Crotch.
INT. WEINSTEIN COMPANY OFFICES
CLARK walks up to the RECEPTIONIST.
CLARK
I'm here for the --
The RECEPTIONIST takes one look at the ARMANI and decides CLARK must be a VIP.
RECEPTIONIST
Oh, right away, sir. They're waiting for you in the office down the hall.
CLARK
Which office?
RECEPTIONIST
The big one.
CLARK
Thanks.
INT. EXECUTIVE OFFICE
CLARK enters to find BOB and HARVEY WEINSTEIN waiting for him.
CLARK
Uh, I think I got misdirected. I'm here about the assistant job...
HARVEY
Not in that suit you're not. What have you got for us?
CLARK
Whoa... are... are you sure?
BOB
You have out undivided attention.
CUT TO:
Twenty minutes later, CLARK wraps up a pitch for a movie.
CLARK
...and at the end of the second movie, they'd end up saving the entire convention center. Of course, all they really want is some decent Chinese food. It's kind of like Entourage with bizarre fight scenes.
The WEINSTEINS exchange puzzled looks.
BOB
I don't really see it working as a film. Maybe a television series, but even then...
HARVEY
What else do you got?
CLARK
How do you guys feel about little black ducks?
EXT. HOLLYWOOD STREET
CLARK exits the Weinstein building on his CELL PHONE, talking to TOBEY.
CLARK
Meet me at the strip club. Bring your appetite for flesh, both deep fried and otherwise.
INT. TOBEY'S APARTMENT
TOBEY's getting dressed while speaking to CLARK on SPEAKERPHONE.
TOBEY
So I take it this job interview went south, too...
CLARK
No no no. This isn't depressed perversion I'm asking you to join me in. I propose a celebration of an event so wondrous, the only thing that could possibly trump it is the baring of breasts.
TOBEY
That good, huh?
CLARK
I went in for this stupid job assisting the looper for Hoodwinked 2: Armageddon and I ended up in a room with the Weinsteins pitching a couple of ideas. They want a treatment for The Unhappy Duckling and if they like that, who knows?
TOBEY
That's great, Clark! Sounds like the new threads are working out for you.
CLARK
I wouldn't say that...
TOBEY
Oh no? So maybe I could have them back...
CLARK
I might say, however, that any man who wantes to take them from me better bring kryptonite! So what to do you say? Drinks at the Jiggly Joint? Will raise steins and slay any beast or it's mother that dare lay siege!
TOBEY
Can't. Got this press thing for the new movie. I'd invite you alone, but Daniel Radcliffe might show up, and we both know what happens when you two are in a room together.
CLARK
There's a fight in the bathroom and someone ends up led away in handcuffs.
TOBEY
And somehow, it's always me.
CLARK
Well I can't go to the strip club by myself! I don't want to be that guy!
TOBEY
I don't want to be the guy who goes with other people... We'll celebrate tomorrow.
CLARK
Yeah okay. Sounds good.
INT. CLARK'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT
CLARK, changed back into his OLD WARN OUT CLOTHES sits on his COUCH watching TV. He looks over at the phone, goes to pick it up, then stops himself. He looks over at the ARMANI -- hanging up on the door to his BEDROOM -- then goes back to the phone to make a call.
CLARK
Alexis? This is Lenar Clark. We met at the New Years thing? Yeah. I choked. I was wondering if you were doing anything tonight... That's fantastic.
*
COMMERCIAL BREAK
*
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT
CLARK and ALEXIS BLEDEL are enjoying a delicious meal together. CLARK is, of course, decked out in his magnificent ARMANI.
ALEXIS
I love your suit. It's so... unlike you.
CLARK
Uh, thanks... I think.
ALEXIS
I didn't mean it like that. I just meant it's... You look really nice. Maybe taller even.
They eat in awkward silence.
ALEXIS
I was surprised you called. It's been so long since New Years.
CLARK
Yeah, I know I... I was just waiting to be ready, you know?
ALEXIS
Not really, no.
CLARK
I've never really felt... grown up. It's always been people leaving me behind since I was, like, twelve. I've been waiting to feel like I was... was...
ALEXIS
Ready?
CLARK
Adult. I've been waiting to feel like I had a real adult life. As seen on TV. Paying bills. Bitching about traffic and taxes. Reading the newspaper in the morning with a cup of coffee.
ALEXIS
I hate coffee.
CLARK
Me too... I was waiting to be this guy I'm probably never going to be and then I thought... why?
ALEXIS
So you're done waiting.
CLARK
I'm done.
ALEXIS
I'm glad.
EXT. FANCY RESTAURANT
CLARK and ALEXIS stroll out of the restaurant.
It's cold and ALEXIS shivers. CLARK pulls his JACKET off and drapes it on her shoulders. In that moment, she looks up and kisses him.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. JJJ'S JIGGLY JOINT -- NOON
CLARK and TOBEY are eating a GREASY CELEBRATORY RIB LUNCH.
CLARK
So I put her in a cab and walked home. It was amazing.
TOBEY
so we're going to be seeing more of this girl.
CLARK
Assuming I don't screw it up.
TOBEY
Oh. So no then.
CLARK
Laugh friggin' riot you are... Actually, I'm going to meet her for a drink after I see the Weinsteins about the treatment. You should come by!
TOBEY
You're not meeting her here, right?
CLARK
You don't think she'd enjoy an evening at the modern day Heorot?
TOBEY
You do?
INT. BAR - NIGHT
CLARK's standing at the bar, chatting on his CELL PHONE.
CLARK
No, it went great. I got the green light! Prepare to acquaint yourself with The Unhappy Duckling, Christmas 2009.
EXT. GILMORE GIRLS SET - NIGHT
ALEXIS talking on her CELL PHONE, pacing around.
ALEXIS
Well that is great. We should celebrate... But I've got a late night on the set. Finale Friday, you know? Maybe later...?
INT. BAR – SIMULTANEOUS
CLARK sits at the bar now, still smiling.
CLARK
Definitely! Give me a call when you're done.
CLARK hangs up, looks up at the BARTENDER.
CLARK
Tom Collins. Don't forget to stick a cherry in it.
Suddenly, none other that KRISTEN BELL saddles up next to him.
KRISTEN
That sounds delish.
CLARK takes a look at her, then turns to the BARTENDER and smiles.
CLARK
Make it two.
CUT TO:
CLARK and KRISTEN sit at the bar, talking.
CLARK
... so the agent says, "That's absolutely fantastic! What's the act called?!" And my Uncle Peanut says, "The Aristocrats!"
They both laugh like there's no tomorrow.
TOBEY enters, sees CLARK with KRISTEN, and heads over.
KRISTEN caresses CLARK'S LAPEL.
KRISTEN
I absolutely adore a nice Armani. And this fabric's just so velvety smooth. I bet these clothes must simply slip right off you...
CLARK
It's been known to happen.
TOBEY sits down next to CLARK
TOBEY
There you are, Alexis a no show?
CLARK
She got held up on the set, but I don't think the nights ruined. When God closes a door...
KRISTEN
He opens some legs.
TOBEY almost vomits at this.
TOBEY
Clark, can I talk to you outside?
CLARK
Sure.
EXT. BAR BACK LOT
TOBEY and CLARK come out through a SERVICE EXIT.
TOBEY
What the hell were you doing in there?
CLARK
Making a friend...
TOBEY
A tiny little friend you're going to meet in nine months?
CLARK
Tiny little... what does that even mean?
TOBEY
You know. A baby.
CLARK
Oh. That's actually a kind of clever turn of phrase there.
TOBEY
I thought so.
JAKE GYLLENHAAL and JON SESSIONS stroll out to meet them.
SESSIONS
My oh my, Jakey. I spy with my little eye...
JAKE
Some douchebags.
CLARK
Aw, great.
TOBEY
Every [expletive deleted]ing Thursday!
JAKE
You knew this was coming, guys...
CLARK
(pleading)
We didn't sleep with your sister, Jake! She was trying to sleep with us! She slept with herself!
TOBEY
You never actually listen to yourself, do you?
CLARK
Fine! We [expletive deleted] her! What of it?! Why don't you go pour sugar in Peter Sarsgaard's gas tank? My understanding is he still hasn't made an honest woman of her...
TOBEY
Don't tell him to do that! Pete's a good guy.
CLARK
And what, we're assholes?! God! Enough of this. You take the chump on the left, I'll take the right.
And just like that... it... is... ON. It breaks down to TOBEY vs. SESSIONS! CLARK vs. JAKE!
This the culmination of all the tension that's been building between these four since the series began. It's all been mind games and behind the scenes wheeling a dealing up ‘til now. This is just a dirty street brawl.
It's a fun little bit of prime time television violence in the grand tradition of Kung Fu, Buffy the Vampire Slayer or The Mary Tyler Moore Show, until it all goes wrong...
SESSIONS and TOBEY are in the middle of a leaping dragon kicks when they look over and see that CLARK is savagely beating JAKE within an inch of his life.
They rush over and haul CLARK off of him.
TOBEY
What the hell are you doing?
CLARK
Finishing this once and for all.
SESSIONS checks JAKE's vital signs.
SESSIONS
His heart's stopped!
TOBEY rushes over and starts administering CPR.
CLARK turns to go back into the BAR.
TOBEY
Clark? Where are you going?
CLARK
To finish my drink.
TOBEY
He needs help!
CLARK
Well he's not getting it from me.
*
COMMERCIAL BREAK
*
INT. TOBEY'S APARTMENT -- MORNING
There's a knock at the door. TOBEY opens it and JALEEL WHITE stares back at him blankly.
JALEEL
What's the matter? You sounded freaked on the phone.
TOBEY
I am freaked, Whitey.
TOBEY leads JALEEL to the kitchen.
TOBEY
Just look!
JALEEL peers through the door and sees CLARK in the ARMANI and an APRON, frying up breakfast.
CLARK
Jaleel my good man! Can I fix you an omelet?
JALEEL
Uh sure. What's the problem Clark?
CLARK
The Lakers. Did you see last night's game? Kobe looked tired out there.
JALEEL
Um, yeah...
JALEEL and TOBEY sit down to eat, while CLARK remains in the kitchen, chopping onions.
TOBEY
See what I'm talking about?
JALEEL
Not exactly...
TOBEY
It's nine in the morning. Clark's up and dressed.
JALEEL
I thought something felt off!
TOBEY
I think it's his clothes.
JALEEL
What? He looks good!
TOBEY
Exactly! I gave him this Armani suit and he's been acting weird ever since.
JALEEL
You gave him an Armani suit? What'd he give you? A nice meal at Mendy's?
TOBEY
We already made that particular sitcom reference. This is important. It's not just him getting up early. It's everything! He's working! He's confident! Two weeks ago, he beat Jake Gyllenhaal into a coma! I need to know what you think.
JALEEL
About what?
TOBEY
The suit!
JALEEL
I said it looked nice.
TOBEY
Are you kidding, me?! Murders at the docks! Secret Hollywood cabals! You're the conspiracy guy! You're not getting any kind of bad mumbo jumbo magumbooff this thing?!
JALEEL
Well, for decades whispers have persisted through the back alleys of Fashion Avenue that in 1972, Giorgio Armani traveled to a tiny Italian village nestled in the Tuscan hillside where he met with Illumati mystics who arranged a meeting for him with Mephistopheles himself. It's rumored that on that dark mid-winter night Armani traded his soul for his gift for design, and pledged to tailor the suit Satan would wear at the End of Days. Legend had it Armani completed the suit in 1991, and once he gazed upon it, he was struck with insurmountable remorse and returned to the Catholic Church in a futile attempt to save himself from the Fires of Perdition. The dark suit was locked in a vault beneath the Vatican, never to be seen again, until a recent garage sale mistakenly saw it sold to a garment merchant bound for the City of Angels...
TOBEY
Oh my god... Do you think this might be that suit?
JALEEL
Seeing as I just made all that up? No. Not really.
TOBEY
Damn it, Jaleel.
JALEEL
(sighing)
Look, if you want to know what's going on with Clark, there's a man I can put you in contact with. But you're going to have to pack your bags, because he's only going to talk to you in person.
TOBEY turns to look at CLARK in the kitchen. CLARK's no longer chopping onions and is now dicing up COCAINE with a RAZOR BLADE.
TOBEY
I'll do it.
JALEEL
How fast can you get to Philadelphia?
INT. TOBEY'S LIVING ROOM
TOBEY makes his way through the living room with a packed sports bag. CLARK sits on the couch reading GQ.
TOBEY
I'm going out of town for a day or two.
CLARK
Bitching, my man. I'll hold down the fort, old sport.
TOBEY
That's just... special. You don't have anything horrible planned, do you?
CLARK
Nah. We're starting production in a few days, so I'm just gonna take it easy ‘til then. Hit the gym. Probably going to crash The CW upfront party tonight.
TOBEY
Uh, aren't both Alexis and Kristen going to be there... at the same time?
CLARK
Yeah! Ain't it great?
TOBEY
Clark just... don't do anything you're going to regret.
CLARK
I got no regrets, Maggie. Nobody ever takes a swig from the cup of life and says "Yuckies," know what I'm saying?
TOBEY
(rolling his eyes)
[expletive deleted].
INT. PHILADELPHIA APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY
TOBEY walks up to an APARTMENT DOOR and knocks. After a long pause, the door creaks open -- the chain still latched -- and CALEB PREWITT peaks through the slender crack.
PREWITT
Who the [expletive deleted] is it?
TOBEY
I'm Tobey Maguire. I've come from Hollywood. I need to ask you about a man named Lenar Clark.
The DOOR slams shut. TOBEY looks at the abruptly closed door, stunned. A moment later, there's the distinctive sound of a door chain being unlatched. The door opens -- wide this time -- and CALEB PREWITT, disheveled and wildly bearded, stands revealed.
PREWITT
A "man" named Lenar Clark? I'll believe it when I see it. You'd better come in, Mr. Maguire.
INT. GYM
Camera pans along a row of TREADMILLS. We can hear CLARK talking.
CLARK
No no no! Dammit!
As the camera moves along the line, we see a few recognizable Hollywood stars running along, working up a sweat. As the camera pans by, each star looks to their left, and when it finally settles on CLARK we understand why.
CLARK
(on his cell phone)
He doesn't have feathers! He doesn't fly! He doesn't quack! He's a human being! Little Black Duck is just a family name!
CLARK hangs up. He's using the last treadmill at it's highest setting. Running at an alarming but steady pace. Wearing the ARMANI SUIT.
He isn't even breaking a sweat.
INT. CALEB PREWITT'S APARTMENT
TOBEY sits uneasily in an easy chair, while PREWITT lounges in the couch, a GLASS OF BOURBON in his hand. He takes a deep sip from the glass, coughs.
PREWITT
And you say this change in behavior happened after he started wearing the suit?
TOBEY
Exactly.
PREWITT sighs.
PREWITT
It's the saga of the alien costume all over again.
TOBEY
This has happened to Clark before?
PREWITT looks at him like he's an idiot.
PREWITT
No... it happened to Peter Parker... 20 years ago. Shouldn't you know this kind of thing?
EXT. LOS ANGELES STREET.
CLARK walks along with a strut to his step. He passes by NEIL PATRICK HARRIS, who's wearing his own ARMANI suit.
NEIL
Nice suit.
CLARK
You know it.
INT. CALEB PREWITT'S APARTMENT
TOBEY and PREWITT continue their conversation. TOBEY listens, growing more and more disturbed as PREWITT goes on.
PREWITT
Remember when you were a kid and you'd watch a movie with a friend or sibling or cousin and one of you would look at the characters on the screen and say something like "I'm Harry, you're Ron." Remember when it wasn't enough to just watch the story unfold, but you had to project yourself into it? Well imagine if you never grew out of that phase. Imagine if you felt compelled to filter your every thought and experience through the lens of some previously established fiction. Imagine the only way you can get out of bed every morning is to convince yourself that your life is following the meaning path of some epic narrative. Imagine that and you've got some small chance of understanding the cracked an cloned perspective through which our mutual friend, Mr. Clark, views the world around him. Then you'll understand what he's pretending this suit's doing to him.
INT. THE CW UPFRONTS PARTY
The party's in full swing as the STARS OF THE CW, MEMBERS OF THE PRESS, and ASSEMBLED HANGERS-ON mix and mingle.
ALEXIS stands in a corner, chatting with JARED PADALECKI.
JARED
So are you seeing anybody these days?
ALEXIS
I don't know. Maybe. kind of...
Just as she's saying this, she can overhear CLARK speaking with the CAST OF EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS.
CLARK
... but there's just no telling Oprah anything, you know?
They all nod in agreement.
ALEXIS starts to head toward him, but sees KRISTEN BELL come up and grab CLARK's arm.
KRISTEN
Hey, lover. You wanna get out of here?
CLARK
Let's blow this taco stand, baby.
They make their way out, walking right past ALEXIS, who's visibly hurt.
KRISTEN
You're a taco stand?
INT. CALEB PREWITT'S APARTMENT
TOBEY and PREWITT continue their conversation.
TOBEY
So what are you saying here? That it's all in his head? That he needs, what? Professional help? Medication? A strait jacket?
PREWITT takes a big gulp of BOURBON and grimaces.
PREWITT
No. I'm saying he needs to get laid.
INT. CLARK'S BEDROOM
Tight on a sweat-soaked naked KRISTEN as she rolls over on the bed, exhausted.
KRISTEN
Just... just give me a minute. I wanna go again.
Camera smash pans over to CLARK, laying in bed. Fully dressed in the ARMANI and smoking a CIGAR.
CLARK
If it suits you.
INT. CALEB PREWITT'S APARTMENT
TOBEY and PREWITT continue their conversation.
PREWITT
Now may I ask you a question?
TOBEY
Shoot.
PREWITT
When are you going to start picking better roles? Your turn as hedonistic toady in The Good German was laughable at best.
TOBEY
My participation in that film was an act of good will between the Dark Knights of the Round Table and the Fraternity of Spider-Men.
Beat.
PREWITT
Get the [expletive deleted] out of my apartment.
INT. SET OF THE UNHAPPY DUCKLING
A few days have passed.
A series of establishing shots show us that this is clearly a major Hollywood production:
There's an exact reproduction of the THIRD FLOOR OF MCDAVID HALL in the center. In one corner is a set piece cut-out for a compartment of the HOGWARTS EXPRESS. There's also a MINIATURE REPLICA OF JESSE HALL and sets for both MCDAVID ROOF and the TOP OF JESSE HALL, complete with the five-story dome.
And let's not forget, this set is a buzz with activity. PRODUCTION STAFF are putting lights in place. ACTORS -- including COLUMBUS SHORT, ADAM BRODY, KAT JEFFHAUS, SAMUEL L. JACKSON, SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR, and SIR BEN KINGSLEY -- are chatting at crafts services or going over lines.
CLARK is talking with MANDY MOORE in the lounge area of the THIRD FLOOR set.
MANDY
I just don't understand my character's motivation here.
CLARK
You're 19-years-old and completely self-absorbed. It's all about you and your feelings and you will absolutely wreck this guy on the slightest whim.
MANDY
Well then why the hell would he be in love with me?
CLARK
I have no idea... All right people! Places! Places! Let's get ready to roll!
TOBEY
(off screen)
No.
CLARK turns to find his old friend TOBEY standing in the middle of his set.
CLARK
My my my my my. Tobias Maguire. To what do we owe the pleasure?
TOBEY
Give me my suit back, Clark.
CLARK
Or what?
TOBEY
Or I'll take it back.
CLARK seems to mull this over for a moment, then turns to the large group of ASSEMBLED ACTORS who have gathered to see just what the hell is going on.
CLARK
Take five, everybody. Mr. Tokyo Super Punch is hankering for a spankering.
Nobody moves. They stare intently as CLARK stalks toward TOBEY.
TOBEY
Don't do this, man. It's just a piece of cloth.
CLARK hauls off and slugs TOBEY across the jaw, sending the actor pinwheeling back into the CATERING TABLE.
TOBEY rolls around in the food, for awhile, spies a bottle of KETCHUP, and grabs it. He turns on CLARK, squeezing the KETCHUP with ever thing he's got. A SCARLET JET OF CONDIMENT squirts out at CLARK, who dodges.
CLARK
Are you out of your freaking, mind?!
CLARK kicks the BOTTLE out of TOBEY's hand violently, and it sails a good fifty yards away, smashing through the JESSE HALL MINIATURE.
TOBEY clutches his hand in pain.
CLARK
Do you know what it'd cost to get ketchup stains off this thing?
TOBEY doesn't respond. He just springs forward, tackling CLARK around the midsection, and the two of the going flying backward, crashing right through the DOOR of the fake room 337.
CLARK picks himself up and rushes over to the iMAC, pulls it up and smacks TOBEY in the head with it.
TOBEY staggers back, spies a BOX OF COMICS, hauls it up and throws it at CLARK, who takes a solid hit to the face.
The BOX splits open and COMICS going flying all over the place.
TOBEY charges at CLARK in the confusion, but CLARK just pulls off a complicated judo throw that sends TOBEY flying through the WINDOW with a frightful crash of glass that'd make Sam Raimi positively turgid.
CLARK makes his way to the shattered WINDOW, expecting to find Tobey's unconscious body, but it isn't there.
CLARK carefully steps through the WINDOW onto the OUTER SET.
CLARK
Hiding, Tobey? Or did you come to your senses and slink out of here?
CLARK spies a trail of blood leading toward the center of the STUDIO and follows it.
CLARK
You spurned the suit, Tobey! Draped it on your shoulders for one night, then cast it in a closet like some tramp you picked up on prom night!
CLARK reaches the end of the BLOOD TRAIL. It terminates at a LADDER that goes up to the CEILING.
CLARK
You're not fit for it any more! You're not worthy!
CLARK looks up toward the RAFTERS, finally noticing TOBEY at the far side of the STUDIO, tugging on a CABLE just before he leaps down.
TOBEY
You're still not listening to yourself, are you?
The arc of his SWING takes TOBEY right into CLARK, and he kicks him right up into the air and the two of them practically fly into the side of the JESSE HALL DOME before ending up in a heap.
CLARK makes it to his feet first, and kicks TOBEY in the ribs while he's down.
CLARK hauls TOBEY up by the neck. Hate burns in his eyes as he shakes TOBEY like a ragdoll.
CLARK
You never should have come here on your own, Maguire.
TOBEY
(weakly)
Wh-who said I c-came alone?
ALEXIS
(off-camera)
Clark, what are you doing?
CLARK whirls around to see her staring at him in shock.
CLARK
Al?
ALEXIS moves slowly toward him. They way you'd make your way toward a beloved family pet that'd suddenly gone feral on some idle Tuesday.
ALEXIS
Put him down, Clark... He's your best friend... Why would you want to hurt him?
CLARK
He wants to take the suit.
ALEXIS
Then let him. You don't need it, right?
CLARK tosses TOBEY off the edge of the JESSE HALL ROOF SET. It's a good seven foot drop.
CLARK
(shouting)
Of course I need it!
ALEXIS shrinks back while CLARK starts ranting.
CLARK
I was nothing without this suit. And now I'm a mover and shaker. Now I've got all this.
CLARK waves an arm wildly toward the monstrous SET.
CLARK
Look at what I've become!
TOBEY
(spitting up blood)
Yes. Look at what you've become.
And CLARK does. He looks at his once glorious set -- the culmination of all his life's dreams, and its an utter ruin. He's torn it down with his bare and bloodied hands.
The HOGWARTS EXPRESS SET inexplicably explodes.
CLARK sinks to his knees in despair.
CLARK
No god... what have a done?
ALEXIS helps TOBEY to his feet.
TOBEY
Take it off, Clark. You've got to.
CLARK looks down at his suit. He grabs the lapels, caresses them.
CLARK
I can't.
TOBEY
You have to.
CLARK takes a deep breath, then with a scream of rage, tears the ARMANI JACKET away.
This rending of garments is a truly horrific moment. We're talking chill theatre here. And it's not just because CLARK is literally tearing the ARMANI off his body in strips. It's because as he does so, we can see that THREADS from the suit have been laced through his SKIN.
He's tearing out tiny chunks of flesh as he does this, and screaming the entire time.
Finally, the ARMANI in tatters around him, CLARK collapses as his blood pools around him.
ALEXIS shudders at the sight.
ALEXIS
I'll call an ambulance.
TOBEY
Good idea.
ALEXIS starts to make her exit, then stops.
ALEXIS
Clark?
CLARK just moans in response.
ALEXIS
I never want to see you again.
She exits.
CLARK
(murmuring)
Tobes?
TOBEY
Yeah?
CLARK
(feebly)
Crotch.
TOBEY
(sighing)
You're goddamn right.
EXT. STUDIO LOT – NIGHT
PARAMEDICS wheel CLARK out of the studio on a STRETCHER. TOBEY limps next to him.
PARAMEDIC
We patched him up as best we could. He should be all right. Never seen anything like it. It's like the suit was trying to bond with him.
TOBEY
Yeah, but that's not really the case, is it Clark?
CLARK
Not exactly...
TOBEY
What'd you do?
CLARK
I kinda... sewed the Armani into my flesh.
PARAMEDIC
Jesus Jumping Jack Johnson! Why the hell would you want to do something like that?!
CLARK
Made sense at the time.
PARAMEDIC
Really?
Them PARAMEDICS load CLARK into the AMBULANCE and TOBEY hops in with them.
CLARK
(sighing)
No. Not really.
The doors slam shut and the AMBULANCE hauls ass out of the LOT.
INT. AMBULANCE
CLARK looks over at TOBEY.
CLARK
Tobeesknees...
TOBEY
Yeah?
CLARK
Don't take this the wrong way, because I'm really only vaguely curious, but what happened to it? Where's the Armani?
TOBEY
Don't worry about it, Clark...
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. THE UNHAPPY DUCKLING SET
All is quiet on the set. The ARMANI remains in a heap of bloody strips on the FAUX JESSE HALL ROOF.
TOBEY
(voiceover)
I'm sure it's gone from our lives for good...
A SHADOWY FIGURE draws near the ragged pile of cloth, and starts to scoop them up.
SHADOWY FIGURE
Arrrrrrrrrrmani...
*
COMMERCIAL BREAK
*
INT. CLARK'S APARTMENT BUILDING – AFTERNOON
A few days have passed.
ALEXIS comes up to CLARK'S DOOR and knocks. After a long pause, a groggy CLARK comes to answer.
CLARK
Hey.
ALEXIS
Hey.
CLARK
I'm sorry about --
ALEXIS cuts him off.
ALEXIS
Don't. Tobey came to see me. He told me what happened to you...
CLARK
(smiling)
He did? Really?
ALEXIS
He told me you're a borderline psychotic.
Beat.
CLARK
That was actually remarkably generous of him.
ALEXIS
So you admit it? It wasn't the suit going to your head. It wasn't the stress. That was all you, right?
CLARK just nods.
ALEXIS
You try to come off as just this nice, sweet guy, but that's not true, is it? After everything you said that night, you were just going to drop me for whoever came along later anyway, right?
CLARK
Whomever.
ALEXIS
You're giving me grammar right now?
CLARK struggles with what to say for a long while, eventually settling on...
CLARK
I don't do well with anything... real. No matter how great it is when it comes along.
ALEXIS
You're still waiting to be some guy you're never going to be.
CLARK just nods. Again.
ALEXIS
Well that's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard.
CLARK
I know.
ALEXIS shakes her head, then walks away.
CLARK
Believe me, I know.
He closes the door behind her.
INT. SINISTER LAIR – NIGHT
The first strange strands of They Might Be Giants, "Robot Parade (Adult Version)" play as the camera pans along a BIG OAK TABLE, upon which sits a SINGER SOWING MACHINE, several SPOOLS OF THICK AND GNARLY THREADS of varying colors, and the BLOODY STRIPS OF ARMANI, all laid out on the table like a grotesquely but meticulously pieced together jigsaw puzzle.
As the song begins it's haunting first verse of "In a future time, children will work together to build a giant cyborg," the camera pans up toward that SHADOWY FIGURE from before as he steps toward the TABLE, away from the shadows. And the bizarre chorus of "Robot parade!" begins just as we reveal the FIGURE is none other than JONATHAN SESSIONS.
SESSIONS
Time to go to work.
In a montage of swift clips, SESSIONS begins the terrible undertaking of reassembling the cursed ARMANI.
When he's done, SESSIONS holds up his horrific handy work, and seems pleased.
There's then a montage of him dawning the SUIT, which has been re-stitched into a crazy patchwork version of itself that's as frightening as it is kinda cool.
SESSIONS
(hissing)
Vengeance...
EXT. GOLDEN DRAGON PATIO – AFTERNOON
TOBEY and CLARK are eating lunch. It's a beautiful Los Angeles afternoon.
TOBEY
You don't know that it's over. She could come around.
CLARK
Not likely.
TOBEY
And Miss Bell is...
CLARK
Gone along with her weird Armani kink. As far as she's concerned, the clothes made the man.
TOBEY
Well at least you weren't the only one obsessed with that thing...
Across the street, SESSIONS watches them from an alley. He is of course wearing the PATCHWORK ARMANI.
TOBEY
And I'm guessing they shut down production on The Unhappy Duckling.
CLARK
Of course they did! I blew the whole budget building that set then wrecked it. They're suing me!
TOBEY
It wouldn't make sense for them not to sue you.
CLARK
So what am I supposed to take away from all this? What's the life lesson? Don't dress for success? A tear in the pants keeps your feet on the ground? The world's not ready for the mind-expanding grace that is my freshman year of college tarted up in absurdist fantasy?!
TOBEY
It amazes me how "don't be such a dick" never even crossed your mind as a possibility.
CLARK
Yeah yeah yeah.
TOBEY
Well, look at it this way, Clarkers...
SESSIONS crosses the street, making his way toward them...
TOBEY
At least it's over...
CUT TO:
TITLECARD: To be continued...?
*
ROLL END CREDITS
TOBEY MAGUIRE ~ Himself
LENAR CLARK ~ Himself
MONICA BELLUCI ~ Gorgeous Italian Seamstress
RECEPTIONIST ~ Emily Deschanel
BOB WEINSTEIN ~ Himself
HARVEY WEINSTEIN ~ Himself
ALEXIS BLEDEL ~ Herself
KRISTEN BELL ~ Herself
JON SESSIONS ~ Himself
JAKE GYLLENHAAL ~ Himself
JALEEL WHITE ~ Himself
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS ~ Barney Stinson
MANDY MOORE ~ LWS
CALEB PREWITT ~ Himself
*
END TEASE
EXT. LOS ANGELES ROAD
We're right back where we left off.
SESSIONS is crossing the street, making his way toward TOBEY and CLARK, who are scarfing down moo goo gai pan, completely oblivious.
SESSIONS
You guys are in for a world of hurt!
He barely starts the "t" at the end of the word "hurt" when an EXPRESS BUS plows into him, blaring its horn.
CLARK and TOBEY both look up from their meals over to where SESSIONS had been standing in one piece mere moments ago.
TOBEY
Did you hear something?
CLARK
Don't worry about it. Is it me or were the egg rolls a little dry?
THE END.
Last year, due to the sprawling "deletion" between volumes of Fimbulvintr, we missed out on one of my favorite summertime blog traditions: the annual episode of Tobey & Clark. And for that, I am heartily sorry.
My attempt to rectify my failure with a New Years themed episode was squahsed by the network, who still refuses to air the completed episode -- because it involves the once hot-button issue of Scientology and those suits fear The Cruise.
But I, of course, digress.
I don't know when, if ever, you'll get to see Episode 1.03 - "TOBEY & CLARK'S NEW YEARS ROCKING EVE" which kicked off the Alexis Bledel storyline. Maybe if we get a DVD release. But I'm trying not to stop that from letting us move on, because in these troubled times, we need Tobey & Clark out there, searching for Chinese restaurants for all of us.
And so, without further ado...
TOBEY & CLARK
Episode 1.04 – "SAGA OF THE ALIEN ARMANI"
TEASER
Open on BLACK TITLECARD as Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy" plays.
TITLECARD:
My momma always said, how a man wears a suit is about the man. Not the fit.
-Warren Ellis
The song continues as we DISSOLVE to:
INT. JJJ's JIGGLY JOINT – LATE MORNING
STRIPPERS work the poles while DEGENERATE ASSHOLES watch them gyrate. In a corner booth, LENAR CLARK sits alone, dressed in a characteristically shabby manner: A threadbare henley, black denim shorts with a racing stripes and a torn out crotch, and battered and beaten within a millimeter of their sole pair of Chuck Taylors.
TOBEY enters and sits down next to him.
TOBEY
I have no idea why you insist on meeting here.
CLARK
Are you kidding? This is the modern day Heorot! Splendid and ornamented with gold!
The building in which powerful men hold court! The foremost of halls under heaven!
Its radiance shines over many lands!
TOBEY looks over at one of the DEGENERATE ASSHOLES. The guy's half in the bag and it isn't even noon. This is a guy who's clearly failed in every goal he set forth in his life, and has ended up not only less than he could have been, but a shell of his former self. It's fucking DAVE SCHWIMMER.
TOBEY
Clark, how drunk are you right now?
CLARK holds up his glass.
CLARK
I haven't been drinking. Margaritas don't count.
TOBEY
So I take it the job interview didn't go so hot.
CLARK
It was a disaster.
TOBEY
It was so bad that you went home, changed into your comfort clothes, then came here to call me?
CLARK
It was so bad I came straight here.
TOBEY
Wait. That's what you wore?
CLARK
What's wrong with my outfit?
TOBEY
I can see your boxers. And really... Fantastic Four? There comes a point where it stops being a hobby and borders on fetish... and you're about thirty yards past that particular chain-link fence.
CLARK
Well what am I supposed to do? I don't have money for new fancy clothes. I don't have money, because I don't have a job. And apparently, I don't have a job because I don't have new fancy clothes. It's a vicious cycle fueled by this country's terrible history of institutionalized racism.
TOBEY
So you don't have money for pants with crotches, but you can afford ten comic books a week.
CLARK
Those are business expenses! Jesus, this is depressing. I've got another freaking interview this afternoon.
TOBEY gets up.
TOBEY
Let's go, Hobo Brown.
CLARK
It's Hobie.
INT. TAILOR – AFTERNOON
CLARK's getting fitted for a spectacular ARMANI SUIT. TOBEY sits in a chair thumbing through Entertainment Weekly while the GORGEOUS ITALIAN SEAMSTRESS measures CLARK's shoulders.
CLARK
I think we should measure my inseam again.
GORGEOUS ITALIAN SEAMSTRESS
We did so many times.
CLARK
Yeah, but I was still hot from the street then. Now that I've had the chance to cool down in the air conditioning, I've probably contracted.
TOBEY
Clark, stop sexually harassing the tailor.
CLARK
Fine! God! Heaven forbid I want to make sure I've got plenty of crotch space in your old pants, you tightwad.
TOBEY
We've really been pushing the crotch humor this morning.
CLARK
Yeah. I feel like I've said "crotch," like, five times. It's starting to sound funny to me. Crotch.
TOBEY
Crotch. Yeah. That does sound weird.
CLARK
Crotch.
TOBEY
Crotch.
CLARK
Crotch.
TOBEY
Crotch.
CLARK
Crotch.
TOBEY
Crotch.
GORGEOUS ITALIAN SEAMSTRESS
Please stop that.
TOBEY and CLARK
Yes ma'am.
Beat.
TOBEY and CLARK
(in unison)
Crotch.
END TEASER.
*
OPENING CREDITS with Wilco’s “Theologians” as theme song:
theologians
they don't know nothing
about my soul
about my soul
i'm an ocean
an abyss in motion
slow motion
slow motion
inlitterati lumen fidei
god is with us everyday
that illiterate light
is with us every night
theologians
that don't know nothing
about my soul
oh they don't know
they thin my heart with little things
and my life with change
oh in so many ways
i find more missing every day
theologians
i'm going away
where you will look for me
where I'm going you cannot come
no one's ever gonna take my life from me
i lay it down
a ghost is born
a ghost is born
a ghost is born
i'm an ocean
i'm all emotion
i'm a cherry ghost
cherry ghost
hey i'm a cherry ghost
a cherry ghost
*
EXT. LOS ANGELES STREETTOBEY and CLARK walk out of the Tailor shop onto the street. CLARK's wearing the suit. It's sleek. It's black. It actually looks good on him.
TOBEY
So? What do you think?
CLARK
I guess it's alright.
TOBEY
You guess? That suits one of a kind. Giorgio Armani his ownself designed it personally for the premiere of Seabiscuit.
CLARK
Seabiscuit? Why can't I have the suit you wore to the Spider-Man premiere?
TOBEY
Some idiot ran up to me at the after-party and hosed me with one of those stupid fake webshooter things.
CLARK
I said I was sorry.
TOBEY
Then you did the exact same thing at the Spider-Man 2 premiere.
CLARK
That wasn't me. That was Bill Nunn.
TOBEY
(shocked)
The hell you say!
CLARK
We all look the same to you, don't we, Maguire?
TOBEY
I just thought you'd put on some weight.
CLARK
That's precious. Anyhoozle, what do I owe you for this little number? A nice meal at Mendy's? ‘cause if that's the case, eat soup at your peril, Maguire! I won't have this debt hanging over my head!
TOBEY
What the hell are you talking about?
CLARK
Seinfeld? "The Soup". Kenny Banya? Hello?
Clearly, none of this registers with TOBEY.
CLARK
Jesus, Maguire! What'd you do in the 90's?
TOBEY
Me and DiCaprio went to town with the ladies.
CLARK
You poor dumb bastard. You've never really lived, have you?
TOBEY
Yeah. I'm clearly the one who's missed out here. And don't worry about paying me back. That suit cost more than you'll make in your entire life.
CLARK
You sound so proud of that. You know there are kids starving in Compton, right?
TOBEY
So just because you dress like a bum, it's okay for you to step over them in the street?
CLARK
Pretty much. As long as you acknowledge there's injustice, you don't actually have to do anything about it. It's in the liberal handbook.
TOBEY
Crotch.
CLARK
Crotch.
INT. WEINSTEIN COMPANY OFFICES
CLARK walks up to the RECEPTIONIST.
CLARK
I'm here for the --
The RECEPTIONIST takes one look at the ARMANI and decides CLARK must be a VIP.
RECEPTIONIST
Oh, right away, sir. They're waiting for you in the office down the hall.
CLARK
Which office?
RECEPTIONIST
The big one.
CLARK
Thanks.
INT. EXECUTIVE OFFICE
CLARK enters to find BOB and HARVEY WEINSTEIN waiting for him.
CLARK
Uh, I think I got misdirected. I'm here about the assistant job...
HARVEY
Not in that suit you're not. What have you got for us?
CLARK
Whoa... are... are you sure?
BOB
You have out undivided attention.
CUT TO:
Twenty minutes later, CLARK wraps up a pitch for a movie.
CLARK
...and at the end of the second movie, they'd end up saving the entire convention center. Of course, all they really want is some decent Chinese food. It's kind of like Entourage with bizarre fight scenes.
The WEINSTEINS exchange puzzled looks.
BOB
I don't really see it working as a film. Maybe a television series, but even then...
HARVEY
What else do you got?
CLARK
How do you guys feel about little black ducks?
EXT. HOLLYWOOD STREET
CLARK exits the Weinstein building on his CELL PHONE, talking to TOBEY.
CLARK
Meet me at the strip club. Bring your appetite for flesh, both deep fried and otherwise.
INT. TOBEY'S APARTMENT
TOBEY's getting dressed while speaking to CLARK on SPEAKERPHONE.
TOBEY
So I take it this job interview went south, too...
CLARK
No no no. This isn't depressed perversion I'm asking you to join me in. I propose a celebration of an event so wondrous, the only thing that could possibly trump it is the baring of breasts.
TOBEY
That good, huh?
CLARK
I went in for this stupid job assisting the looper for Hoodwinked 2: Armageddon and I ended up in a room with the Weinsteins pitching a couple of ideas. They want a treatment for The Unhappy Duckling and if they like that, who knows?
TOBEY
That's great, Clark! Sounds like the new threads are working out for you.
CLARK
I wouldn't say that...
TOBEY
Oh no? So maybe I could have them back...
CLARK
I might say, however, that any man who wantes to take them from me better bring kryptonite! So what to do you say? Drinks at the Jiggly Joint? Will raise steins and slay any beast or it's mother that dare lay siege!
TOBEY
Can't. Got this press thing for the new movie. I'd invite you alone, but Daniel Radcliffe might show up, and we both know what happens when you two are in a room together.
CLARK
There's a fight in the bathroom and someone ends up led away in handcuffs.
TOBEY
And somehow, it's always me.
CLARK
Well I can't go to the strip club by myself! I don't want to be that guy!
TOBEY
I don't want to be the guy who goes with other people... We'll celebrate tomorrow.
CLARK
Yeah okay. Sounds good.
INT. CLARK'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT
CLARK, changed back into his OLD WARN OUT CLOTHES sits on his COUCH watching TV. He looks over at the phone, goes to pick it up, then stops himself. He looks over at the ARMANI -- hanging up on the door to his BEDROOM -- then goes back to the phone to make a call.
CLARK
Alexis? This is Lenar Clark. We met at the New Years thing? Yeah. I choked. I was wondering if you were doing anything tonight... That's fantastic.
*
COMMERCIAL BREAK
*
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT
CLARK and ALEXIS BLEDEL are enjoying a delicious meal together. CLARK is, of course, decked out in his magnificent ARMANI.
ALEXIS
I love your suit. It's so... unlike you.
CLARK
Uh, thanks... I think.
ALEXISI didn't mean it like that. I just meant it's... You look really nice. Maybe taller even.
They eat in awkward silence.
ALEXIS
I was surprised you called. It's been so long since New Years.
CLARK
Yeah, I know I... I was just waiting to be ready, you know?
ALEXIS
Not really, no.
CLARK
I've never really felt... grown up. It's always been people leaving me behind since I was, like, twelve. I've been waiting to feel like I was... was...
ALEXIS
Ready?
CLARK
Adult. I've been waiting to feel like I had a real adult life. As seen on TV. Paying bills. Bitching about traffic and taxes. Reading the newspaper in the morning with a cup of coffee.
ALEXIS
I hate coffee.
CLARK
Me too... I was waiting to be this guy I'm probably never going to be and then I thought... why?
ALEXIS
So you're done waiting.
CLARK
I'm done.
ALEXIS
I'm glad.
EXT. FANCY RESTAURANT
CLARK and ALEXIS stroll out of the restaurant.
It's cold and ALEXIS shivers. CLARK pulls his JACKET off and drapes it on her shoulders. In that moment, she looks up and kisses him.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. JJJ'S JIGGLY JOINT -- NOON
CLARK and TOBEY are eating a GREASY CELEBRATORY RIB LUNCH.
CLARK
So I put her in a cab and walked home. It was amazing.
TOBEY
so we're going to be seeing more of this girl.
CLARK
Assuming I don't screw it up.
TOBEY
Oh. So no then.
CLARK
Laugh friggin' riot you are... Actually, I'm going to meet her for a drink after I see the Weinsteins about the treatment. You should come by!
TOBEY
You're not meeting her here, right?
CLARK
You don't think she'd enjoy an evening at the modern day Heorot?
TOBEY
You do?
INT. BAR - NIGHT
CLARK's standing at the bar, chatting on his CELL PHONE.
CLARK
No, it went great. I got the green light! Prepare to acquaint yourself with The Unhappy Duckling, Christmas 2009.
EXT. GILMORE GIRLS SET - NIGHT
ALEXIS talking on her CELL PHONE, pacing around.
ALEXIS
Well that is great. We should celebrate... But I've got a late night on the set. Finale Friday, you know? Maybe later...?
INT. BAR – SIMULTANEOUS
CLARK sits at the bar now, still smiling.
CLARK
Definitely! Give me a call when you're done.
CLARK hangs up, looks up at the BARTENDER.
CLARK
Tom Collins. Don't forget to stick a cherry in it.
Suddenly, none other that KRISTEN BELL saddles up next to him.
KRISTEN
That sounds delish.
CLARK takes a look at her, then turns to the BARTENDER and smiles.
CLARK
Make it two.
CUT TO:
CLARK and KRISTEN sit at the bar, talking.
CLARK
... so the agent says, "That's absolutely fantastic! What's the act called?!" And my Uncle Peanut says, "The Aristocrats!"
They both laugh like there's no tomorrow.
TOBEY enters, sees CLARK with KRISTEN, and heads over.
KRISTEN caresses CLARK'S LAPEL.
KRISTENI absolutely adore a nice Armani. And this fabric's just so velvety smooth. I bet these clothes must simply slip right off you...
CLARK
It's been known to happen.
TOBEY sits down next to CLARK
TOBEY
There you are, Alexis a no show?
CLARK
She got held up on the set, but I don't think the nights ruined. When God closes a door...
KRISTEN
He opens some legs.
TOBEY almost vomits at this.
TOBEY
Clark, can I talk to you outside?
CLARK
Sure.
EXT. BAR BACK LOT
TOBEY and CLARK come out through a SERVICE EXIT.
TOBEY
What the hell were you doing in there?
CLARK
Making a friend...
TOBEY
A tiny little friend you're going to meet in nine months?
CLARK
Tiny little... what does that even mean?
TOBEY
You know. A baby.
CLARK
Oh. That's actually a kind of clever turn of phrase there.
TOBEY
I thought so.
JAKE GYLLENHAAL and JON SESSIONS stroll out to meet them.
SESSIONS
My oh my, Jakey. I spy with my little eye...
JAKE
Some douchebags.
CLARK
Aw, great.
TOBEY
Every [expletive deleted]ing Thursday!
JAKE
You knew this was coming, guys...
CLARK
(pleading)
We didn't sleep with your sister, Jake! She was trying to sleep with us! She slept with herself!
TOBEY
You never actually listen to yourself, do you?
CLARK
Fine! We [expletive deleted] her! What of it?! Why don't you go pour sugar in Peter Sarsgaard's gas tank? My understanding is he still hasn't made an honest woman of her...
TOBEY
Don't tell him to do that! Pete's a good guy.
CLARK
And what, we're assholes?! God! Enough of this. You take the chump on the left, I'll take the right.
And just like that... it... is... ON. It breaks down to TOBEY vs. SESSIONS! CLARK vs. JAKE!
This the culmination of all the tension that's been building between these four since the series began. It's all been mind games and behind the scenes wheeling a dealing up ‘til now. This is just a dirty street brawl.
It's a fun little bit of prime time television violence in the grand tradition of Kung Fu, Buffy the Vampire Slayer or The Mary Tyler Moore Show, until it all goes wrong...
SESSIONS and TOBEY are in the middle of a leaping dragon kicks when they look over and see that CLARK is savagely beating JAKE within an inch of his life.
They rush over and haul CLARK off of him.
TOBEY
What the hell are you doing?
CLARK
Finishing this once and for all.
SESSIONS checks JAKE's vital signs.
SESSIONS
His heart's stopped!
TOBEY rushes over and starts administering CPR.
CLARK turns to go back into the BAR.
TOBEY
Clark? Where are you going?
CLARK
To finish my drink.
TOBEY
He needs help!
CLARK
Well he's not getting it from me.
*
COMMERCIAL BREAK
*
INT. TOBEY'S APARTMENT -- MORNING
There's a knock at the door. TOBEY opens it and JALEEL WHITE stares back at him blankly.
JALEEL
What's the matter? You sounded freaked on the phone.
TOBEYI am freaked, Whitey.
TOBEY leads JALEEL to the kitchen.
TOBEY
Just look!
JALEEL peers through the door and sees CLARK in the ARMANI and an APRON, frying up breakfast.
CLARK
Jaleel my good man! Can I fix you an omelet?
JALEEL
Uh sure. What's the problem Clark?
CLARK
The Lakers. Did you see last night's game? Kobe looked tired out there.
JALEEL
Um, yeah...
JALEEL and TOBEY sit down to eat, while CLARK remains in the kitchen, chopping onions.
TOBEY
See what I'm talking about?
JALEEL
Not exactly...
TOBEY
It's nine in the morning. Clark's up and dressed.
JALEEL
I thought something felt off!
TOBEY
I think it's his clothes.
JALEEL
What? He looks good!
TOBEY
Exactly! I gave him this Armani suit and he's been acting weird ever since.
JALEEL
You gave him an Armani suit? What'd he give you? A nice meal at Mendy's?
TOBEY
We already made that particular sitcom reference. This is important. It's not just him getting up early. It's everything! He's working! He's confident! Two weeks ago, he beat Jake Gyllenhaal into a coma! I need to know what you think.
JALEEL
About what?
TOBEY
The suit!
JALEEL
I said it looked nice.
TOBEY
Are you kidding, me?! Murders at the docks! Secret Hollywood cabals! You're the conspiracy guy! You're not getting any kind of bad mumbo jumbo magumbooff this thing?!
JALEELWell, for decades whispers have persisted through the back alleys of Fashion Avenue that in 1972, Giorgio Armani traveled to a tiny Italian village nestled in the Tuscan hillside where he met with Illumati mystics who arranged a meeting for him with Mephistopheles himself. It's rumored that on that dark mid-winter night Armani traded his soul for his gift for design, and pledged to tailor the suit Satan would wear at the End of Days. Legend had it Armani completed the suit in 1991, and once he gazed upon it, he was struck with insurmountable remorse and returned to the Catholic Church in a futile attempt to save himself from the Fires of Perdition. The dark suit was locked in a vault beneath the Vatican, never to be seen again, until a recent garage sale mistakenly saw it sold to a garment merchant bound for the City of Angels...
TOBEY
Oh my god... Do you think this might be that suit?
JALEEL
Seeing as I just made all that up? No. Not really.
TOBEY
Damn it, Jaleel.
JALEEL
(sighing)
Look, if you want to know what's going on with Clark, there's a man I can put you in contact with. But you're going to have to pack your bags, because he's only going to talk to you in person.
TOBEY turns to look at CLARK in the kitchen. CLARK's no longer chopping onions and is now dicing up COCAINE with a RAZOR BLADE.
TOBEY
I'll do it.
JALEEL
How fast can you get to Philadelphia?
INT. TOBEY'S LIVING ROOM
TOBEY makes his way through the living room with a packed sports bag. CLARK sits on the couch reading GQ.
TOBEY
I'm going out of town for a day or two.
CLARK
Bitching, my man. I'll hold down the fort, old sport.
TOBEY
That's just... special. You don't have anything horrible planned, do you?
CLARK
Nah. We're starting production in a few days, so I'm just gonna take it easy ‘til then. Hit the gym. Probably going to crash The CW upfront party tonight.
TOBEY
Uh, aren't both Alexis and Kristen going to be there... at the same time?
CLARK
Yeah! Ain't it great?
TOBEY
Clark just... don't do anything you're going to regret.
CLARK
I got no regrets, Maggie. Nobody ever takes a swig from the cup of life and says "Yuckies," know what I'm saying?
TOBEY
(rolling his eyes)
[expletive deleted].
INT. PHILADELPHIA APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY
TOBEY walks up to an APARTMENT DOOR and knocks. After a long pause, the door creaks open -- the chain still latched -- and CALEB PREWITT peaks through the slender crack.
PREWITT
Who the [expletive deleted] is it?
TOBEY
I'm Tobey Maguire. I've come from Hollywood. I need to ask you about a man named Lenar Clark.
The DOOR slams shut. TOBEY looks at the abruptly closed door, stunned. A moment later, there's the distinctive sound of a door chain being unlatched. The door opens -- wide this time -- and CALEB PREWITT, disheveled and wildly bearded, stands revealed.
PREWITT
A "man" named Lenar Clark? I'll believe it when I see it. You'd better come in, Mr. Maguire.
INT. GYM
Camera pans along a row of TREADMILLS. We can hear CLARK talking.
CLARK
No no no! Dammit!
As the camera moves along the line, we see a few recognizable Hollywood stars running along, working up a sweat. As the camera pans by, each star looks to their left, and when it finally settles on CLARK we understand why.
CLARK
(on his cell phone)
He doesn't have feathers! He doesn't fly! He doesn't quack! He's a human being! Little Black Duck is just a family name!
CLARK hangs up. He's using the last treadmill at it's highest setting. Running at an alarming but steady pace. Wearing the ARMANI SUIT.
He isn't even breaking a sweat.
INT. CALEB PREWITT'S APARTMENT
TOBEY sits uneasily in an easy chair, while PREWITT lounges in the couch, a GLASS OF BOURBON in his hand. He takes a deep sip from the glass, coughs.
PREWITT
And you say this change in behavior happened after he started wearing the suit?
TOBEY
Exactly.
PREWITT sighs.
PREWITT
It's the saga of the alien costume all over again.
TOBEY
This has happened to Clark before?
PREWITT looks at him like he's an idiot.
PREWITT
No... it happened to Peter Parker... 20 years ago. Shouldn't you know this kind of thing?
EXT. LOS ANGELES STREET.
CLARK walks along with a strut to his step. He passes by NEIL PATRICK HARRIS, who's wearing his own ARMANI suit.
NEIL
Nice suit.
CLARK
You know it.
INT. CALEB PREWITT'S APARTMENT
TOBEY and PREWITT continue their conversation. TOBEY listens, growing more and more disturbed as PREWITT goes on.
PREWITT
Remember when you were a kid and you'd watch a movie with a friend or sibling or cousin and one of you would look at the characters on the screen and say something like "I'm Harry, you're Ron." Remember when it wasn't enough to just watch the story unfold, but you had to project yourself into it? Well imagine if you never grew out of that phase. Imagine if you felt compelled to filter your every thought and experience through the lens of some previously established fiction. Imagine the only way you can get out of bed every morning is to convince yourself that your life is following the meaning path of some epic narrative. Imagine that and you've got some small chance of understanding the cracked an cloned perspective through which our mutual friend, Mr. Clark, views the world around him. Then you'll understand what he's pretending this suit's doing to him.
INT. THE CW UPFRONTS PARTY
The party's in full swing as the STARS OF THE CW, MEMBERS OF THE PRESS, and ASSEMBLED HANGERS-ON mix and mingle.
ALEXIS stands in a corner, chatting with JARED PADALECKI.
JARED
So are you seeing anybody these days?
ALEXIS
I don't know. Maybe. kind of...
Just as she's saying this, she can overhear CLARK speaking with the CAST OF EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS.
CLARK
... but there's just no telling Oprah anything, you know?
They all nod in agreement.
ALEXIS starts to head toward him, but sees KRISTEN BELL come up and grab CLARK's arm.
KRISTEN
Hey, lover. You wanna get out of here?
CLARK
Let's blow this taco stand, baby.
They make their way out, walking right past ALEXIS, who's visibly hurt.
KRISTEN
You're a taco stand?
INT. CALEB PREWITT'S APARTMENT
TOBEY and PREWITT continue their conversation.
TOBEY
So what are you saying here? That it's all in his head? That he needs, what? Professional help? Medication? A strait jacket?
PREWITT takes a big gulp of BOURBON and grimaces.
PREWITT
No. I'm saying he needs to get laid.
INT. CLARK'S BEDROOM
Tight on a sweat-soaked naked KRISTEN as she rolls over on the bed, exhausted.
KRISTEN
Just... just give me a minute. I wanna go again.
Camera smash pans over to CLARK, laying in bed. Fully dressed in the ARMANI and smoking a CIGAR.
CLARK
If it suits you.
INT. CALEB PREWITT'S APARTMENT
TOBEY and PREWITT continue their conversation.
PREWITT
Now may I ask you a question?
TOBEY
Shoot.
PREWITT
When are you going to start picking better roles? Your turn as hedonistic toady in The Good German was laughable at best.
TOBEY
My participation in that film was an act of good will between the Dark Knights of the Round Table and the Fraternity of Spider-Men.
Beat.
PREWITT
Get the [expletive deleted] out of my apartment.
INT. SET OF THE UNHAPPY DUCKLING
A few days have passed.
A series of establishing shots show us that this is clearly a major Hollywood production:
There's an exact reproduction of the THIRD FLOOR OF MCDAVID HALL in the center. In one corner is a set piece cut-out for a compartment of the HOGWARTS EXPRESS. There's also a MINIATURE REPLICA OF JESSE HALL and sets for both MCDAVID ROOF and the TOP OF JESSE HALL, complete with the five-story dome.
And let's not forget, this set is a buzz with activity. PRODUCTION STAFF are putting lights in place. ACTORS -- including COLUMBUS SHORT, ADAM BRODY, KAT JEFFHAUS, SAMUEL L. JACKSON, SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR, and SIR BEN KINGSLEY -- are chatting at crafts services or going over lines.
CLARK is talking with MANDY MOORE in the lounge area of the THIRD FLOOR set.
MANDY
I just don't understand my character's motivation here.
CLARK
You're 19-years-old and completely self-absorbed. It's all about you and your feelings and you will absolutely wreck this guy on the slightest whim.
MANDY
Well then why the hell would he be in love with me?
CLARK
I have no idea... All right people! Places! Places! Let's get ready to roll!
TOBEY
(off screen)
No.
CLARK turns to find his old friend TOBEY standing in the middle of his set.
CLARK
My my my my my. Tobias Maguire. To what do we owe the pleasure?
TOBEY
Give me my suit back, Clark.
CLARK
Or what?
TOBEY
Or I'll take it back.
CLARK seems to mull this over for a moment, then turns to the large group of ASSEMBLED ACTORS who have gathered to see just what the hell is going on.
CLARK
Take five, everybody. Mr. Tokyo Super Punch is hankering for a spankering.
Nobody moves. They stare intently as CLARK stalks toward TOBEY.
TOBEY
Don't do this, man. It's just a piece of cloth.
CLARK hauls off and slugs TOBEY across the jaw, sending the actor pinwheeling back into the CATERING TABLE.
TOBEY rolls around in the food, for awhile, spies a bottle of KETCHUP, and grabs it. He turns on CLARK, squeezing the KETCHUP with ever thing he's got. A SCARLET JET OF CONDIMENT squirts out at CLARK, who dodges.
CLARK
Are you out of your freaking, mind?!
CLARK kicks the BOTTLE out of TOBEY's hand violently, and it sails a good fifty yards away, smashing through the JESSE HALL MINIATURE.
TOBEY clutches his hand in pain.
CLARK
Do you know what it'd cost to get ketchup stains off this thing?
TOBEY doesn't respond. He just springs forward, tackling CLARK around the midsection, and the two of the going flying backward, crashing right through the DOOR of the fake room 337.
CLARK picks himself up and rushes over to the iMAC, pulls it up and smacks TOBEY in the head with it.
TOBEY staggers back, spies a BOX OF COMICS, hauls it up and throws it at CLARK, who takes a solid hit to the face.
The BOX splits open and COMICS going flying all over the place.
TOBEY charges at CLARK in the confusion, but CLARK just pulls off a complicated judo throw that sends TOBEY flying through the WINDOW with a frightful crash of glass that'd make Sam Raimi positively turgid.
CLARK makes his way to the shattered WINDOW, expecting to find Tobey's unconscious body, but it isn't there.
CLARK carefully steps through the WINDOW onto the OUTER SET.
CLARK
Hiding, Tobey? Or did you come to your senses and slink out of here?
CLARK spies a trail of blood leading toward the center of the STUDIO and follows it.
CLARK
You spurned the suit, Tobey! Draped it on your shoulders for one night, then cast it in a closet like some tramp you picked up on prom night!
CLARK reaches the end of the BLOOD TRAIL. It terminates at a LADDER that goes up to the CEILING.
CLARK
You're not fit for it any more! You're not worthy!
CLARK looks up toward the RAFTERS, finally noticing TOBEY at the far side of the STUDIO, tugging on a CABLE just before he leaps down.
TOBEY
You're still not listening to yourself, are you?
The arc of his SWING takes TOBEY right into CLARK, and he kicks him right up into the air and the two of them practically fly into the side of the JESSE HALL DOME before ending up in a heap.
CLARK makes it to his feet first, and kicks TOBEY in the ribs while he's down.
CLARK hauls TOBEY up by the neck. Hate burns in his eyes as he shakes TOBEY like a ragdoll.
CLARK
You never should have come here on your own, Maguire.
TOBEY
(weakly)
Wh-who said I c-came alone?
ALEXIS
(off-camera)
Clark, what are you doing?
CLARK whirls around to see her staring at him in shock.
CLARK
Al?
ALEXIS moves slowly toward him. They way you'd make your way toward a beloved family pet that'd suddenly gone feral on some idle Tuesday.
ALEXIS
Put him down, Clark... He's your best friend... Why would you want to hurt him?
CLARK
He wants to take the suit.
ALEXIS
Then let him. You don't need it, right?
CLARK tosses TOBEY off the edge of the JESSE HALL ROOF SET. It's a good seven foot drop.
CLARK
(shouting)
Of course I need it!
ALEXIS shrinks back while CLARK starts ranting.
CLARK
I was nothing without this suit. And now I'm a mover and shaker. Now I've got all this.
CLARK waves an arm wildly toward the monstrous SET.
CLARK
Look at what I've become!
TOBEY
(spitting up blood)
Yes. Look at what you've become.
And CLARK does. He looks at his once glorious set -- the culmination of all his life's dreams, and its an utter ruin. He's torn it down with his bare and bloodied hands.
The HOGWARTS EXPRESS SET inexplicably explodes.
CLARK sinks to his knees in despair.
CLARK
No god... what have a done?
ALEXIS helps TOBEY to his feet.
TOBEY
Take it off, Clark. You've got to.
CLARK looks down at his suit. He grabs the lapels, caresses them.
CLARK
I can't.
TOBEY
You have to.
CLARK takes a deep breath, then with a scream of rage, tears the ARMANI JACKET away.
This rending of garments is a truly horrific moment. We're talking chill theatre here. And it's not just because CLARK is literally tearing the ARMANI off his body in strips. It's because as he does so, we can see that THREADS from the suit have been laced through his SKIN.
He's tearing out tiny chunks of flesh as he does this, and screaming the entire time.
Finally, the ARMANI in tatters around him, CLARK collapses as his blood pools around him.
ALEXIS shudders at the sight.
ALEXIS
I'll call an ambulance.
TOBEY
Good idea.
ALEXIS starts to make her exit, then stops.
ALEXIS
Clark?
CLARK just moans in response.
ALEXIS
I never want to see you again.
She exits.
CLARK
(murmuring)
Tobes?
TOBEY
Yeah?
CLARK
(feebly)
Crotch.
TOBEY
(sighing)
You're goddamn right.
EXT. STUDIO LOT – NIGHT
PARAMEDICS wheel CLARK out of the studio on a STRETCHER. TOBEY limps next to him.
PARAMEDIC
We patched him up as best we could. He should be all right. Never seen anything like it. It's like the suit was trying to bond with him.
TOBEY
Yeah, but that's not really the case, is it Clark?
CLARK
Not exactly...
TOBEY
What'd you do?
CLARK
I kinda... sewed the Armani into my flesh.
PARAMEDIC
Jesus Jumping Jack Johnson! Why the hell would you want to do something like that?!
CLARK
Made sense at the time.
PARAMEDIC
Really?
Them PARAMEDICS load CLARK into the AMBULANCE and TOBEY hops in with them.
CLARK
(sighing)
No. Not really.
The doors slam shut and the AMBULANCE hauls ass out of the LOT.
INT. AMBULANCE
CLARK looks over at TOBEY.
CLARK
Tobeesknees...
TOBEY
Yeah?
CLARK
Don't take this the wrong way, because I'm really only vaguely curious, but what happened to it? Where's the Armani?
TOBEY
Don't worry about it, Clark...
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. THE UNHAPPY DUCKLING SET
All is quiet on the set. The ARMANI remains in a heap of bloody strips on the FAUX JESSE HALL ROOF.
TOBEY
(voiceover)
I'm sure it's gone from our lives for good...
A SHADOWY FIGURE draws near the ragged pile of cloth, and starts to scoop them up.
SHADOWY FIGURE
Arrrrrrrrrrmani...
*
COMMERCIAL BREAK
*
INT. CLARK'S APARTMENT BUILDING – AFTERNOON
A few days have passed.
ALEXIS comes up to CLARK'S DOOR and knocks. After a long pause, a groggy CLARK comes to answer.
CLARK
Hey.
ALEXIS
Hey.
CLARK
I'm sorry about --
ALEXIS cuts him off.
ALEXIS
Don't. Tobey came to see me. He told me what happened to you...
CLARK
(smiling)
He did? Really?
ALEXIS
He told me you're a borderline psychotic.
Beat.
CLARK
That was actually remarkably generous of him.
ALEXIS
So you admit it? It wasn't the suit going to your head. It wasn't the stress. That was all you, right?
CLARK just nods.
ALEXIS
You try to come off as just this nice, sweet guy, but that's not true, is it? After everything you said that night, you were just going to drop me for whoever came along later anyway, right?
CLARK
Whomever.
ALEXIS
You're giving me grammar right now?
CLARK struggles with what to say for a long while, eventually settling on...
CLARK
I don't do well with anything... real. No matter how great it is when it comes along.
ALEXIS
You're still waiting to be some guy you're never going to be.
CLARK just nods. Again.
ALEXIS
Well that's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard.
CLARK
I know.
ALEXIS shakes her head, then walks away.
CLARK
Believe me, I know.
He closes the door behind her.
INT. SINISTER LAIR – NIGHT
The first strange strands of They Might Be Giants, "Robot Parade (Adult Version)" play as the camera pans along a BIG OAK TABLE, upon which sits a SINGER SOWING MACHINE, several SPOOLS OF THICK AND GNARLY THREADS of varying colors, and the BLOODY STRIPS OF ARMANI, all laid out on the table like a grotesquely but meticulously pieced together jigsaw puzzle.
As the song begins it's haunting first verse of "In a future time, children will work together to build a giant cyborg," the camera pans up toward that SHADOWY FIGURE from before as he steps toward the TABLE, away from the shadows. And the bizarre chorus of "Robot parade!" begins just as we reveal the FIGURE is none other than JONATHAN SESSIONS.
SESSIONS
Time to go to work.
In a montage of swift clips, SESSIONS begins the terrible undertaking of reassembling the cursed ARMANI.
When he's done, SESSIONS holds up his horrific handy work, and seems pleased.
There's then a montage of him dawning the SUIT, which has been re-stitched into a crazy patchwork version of itself that's as frightening as it is kinda cool.
SESSIONS
(hissing)
Vengeance...
EXT. GOLDEN DRAGON PATIO – AFTERNOON
TOBEY and CLARK are eating lunch. It's a beautiful Los Angeles afternoon.
TOBEY
You don't know that it's over. She could come around.
CLARK
Not likely.
TOBEY
And Miss Bell is...
CLARK
Gone along with her weird Armani kink. As far as she's concerned, the clothes made the man.
TOBEY
Well at least you weren't the only one obsessed with that thing...
Across the street, SESSIONS watches them from an alley. He is of course wearing the PATCHWORK ARMANI.
TOBEY
And I'm guessing they shut down production on The Unhappy Duckling.
CLARK
Of course they did! I blew the whole budget building that set then wrecked it. They're suing me!
TOBEY
It wouldn't make sense for them not to sue you.
CLARK
So what am I supposed to take away from all this? What's the life lesson? Don't dress for success? A tear in the pants keeps your feet on the ground? The world's not ready for the mind-expanding grace that is my freshman year of college tarted up in absurdist fantasy?!
TOBEY
It amazes me how "don't be such a dick" never even crossed your mind as a possibility.
CLARK
Yeah yeah yeah.
TOBEY
Well, look at it this way, Clarkers...
SESSIONS crosses the street, making his way toward them...
TOBEY
At least it's over...
CUT TO:
TITLECARD: To be continued...?
*
ROLL END CREDITS
TOBEY MAGUIRE ~ Himself
LENAR CLARK ~ Himself
MONICA BELLUCI ~ Gorgeous Italian Seamstress
RECEPTIONIST ~ Emily Deschanel
BOB WEINSTEIN ~ Himself
HARVEY WEINSTEIN ~ Himself
ALEXIS BLEDEL ~ Herself
KRISTEN BELL ~ Herself
JON SESSIONS ~ Himself
JAKE GYLLENHAAL ~ Himself
JALEEL WHITE ~ Himself
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS ~ Barney Stinson
MANDY MOORE ~ LWS
CALEB PREWITT ~ Himself
*
END TEASEEXT. LOS ANGELES ROAD
We're right back where we left off.
SESSIONS is crossing the street, making his way toward TOBEY and CLARK, who are scarfing down moo goo gai pan, completely oblivious.
SESSIONS
You guys are in for a world of hurt!
He barely starts the "t" at the end of the word "hurt" when an EXPRESS BUS plows into him, blaring its horn.
CLARK and TOBEY both look up from their meals over to where SESSIONS had been standing in one piece mere moments ago.
TOBEY
Did you hear something?
CLARK
Don't worry about it. Is it me or were the egg rolls a little dry?
THE END.
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