Happy Birthday: Distance yourself from the emotional melodrama and do what's best for yourself. It's a year to get everything in order and make whatever moves are necessary to help move into a more efficient and prosperous lifestyle. Your numbers are...
- Eugenia Last

"Martian Manhunter: Year One"
The problem I think most writers make with tweaking J'onn J'onzz's origin is getting lost on Mars.

They always want to retcon Life On Mars. What was J'onn's job? How did he relate to his wife and daughter within the context of Martian familial mores? What kind of government did they have? How did all the Martians die? Did all the Martians die?

And I ask you: Who the fuck cares? You want to write your great Martian Space Opera? Go write your sci-fi novel.

If you want to get to the essence of what makes him cool, go back to the original premise: Cop from another planet with powers and abilities far beyond mortal men trying to make sense of a strange new world while trying to make it a better place. If Darwyn Cooke gets it why can't you? Let's watch J'onzz rise up the ranks of the Denver Police Department as the DCU explodes into being all around him.

I only mention it because sometimes there's a man... I won't say a hero, 'cause, what's a hero? Sometimes, there's a man. And I'm talkin' about the Manhunter here - the Manhunter from Mars. Sometimes, there's a man, well, he's the man for his time and place. He fits right in there. And that's the Manhunter. The Manhunter from Mars.

And for Christsake, give him back his real costume.

"It's the Loneliest Number Since the Number One"
Prepare yourselves! The war begins!

Freebies vs. Marrieds.

It's on.

"Hang Up on the Hang Low"
I buy 100 Bullets in single issue format, but I might as well pick it up in trade. Because I don't really pick up every issue as it comes out. What usually happens is I don't buy it for eight or nine months, then I go back later to pick up the back issues, and it's never easy. Because no store ever has all eight or nine issues in stock, so I end up running all over town to find that one issue that seems to have sold out. It'd probably be cheaper in trade!

But then where's the fun?

"The Last Fantastic Four Story"
This was long after Stretcho and Suzie Q had left the Baxter Building, leaving me and ol' Flamehead with the keys to the kingdom as it were.

They'd just stopped by for a visit, and while we were shooting the shit, an alarm went off and it was decided that the everlovin' blue eyed Thing had a job to do in the Negative Zone.

I stepped up to the door and the rest of the team blocked the exits.

Clobberin' Time in the Face of the Great Awkward Quiet..

"V for Vendetta"
I can't be sure, but I might hate Natalie Portman.

"The Sinister Six vs. The Frightful Four"
Doctor Octopus, Vulture, Venom (or maybe Carnage, has anyone seen Carnage since 1998?), Electro, Mysterio, and the Lizard, vs. the Trapster, Sandman, Typhoid Mary and the Lizard.

The Evil FF take it in twenty-two pages. Of course, Trapster takes the symbiote out in the first two minutes and the Wizard doesn't step in until the end.

"The Seven Capital Cities of Heaven"
Matt Fraction says that the appeal of Danny Rand can be broken down into two words: kung-fu billionaire.

Matt Fraction is the celebrated author of such comic hits as Casanova and Punisher War Journal as well as the co-writer of Immortal Iron Fist.

Matt Fraction is one of Marvel's writing rising stars.

Matt Fraction lives in Kansas City.

Bear in mind, that does not read "Matt Fraction is from Kansas City." It reads "Matt Fractions lives in Kansas City."

So the question remains: What am I doing here?

On a completely different note, Operation: Show Me the Way Home begins in earnest.

"Eight Maids A-Milking"
I was going to tell you the strange and terrible origin of my secret fetish, but neither of us really want to know each other that well, do we?

"Nine Lives"
I'm thinking about getting a cat. It's like having a neurotic roommate who doesn't pay rent. I'd name him Hank McCoy.

"Ten Little Indians"
Do you think you'll get to keep all your fingers and toes for as long as you live, and if not, will those lost digits be waiting in Heaven with your wife?

"MODOK's 11"
Really? I mean, REALLY?!

Sometimes I think Marvel's going to hell. Then something like this happens and I realize it's all going to be okay.

"The Dirty Dozen"
Is this movie any good? I've never seen it. Would I like it? Should I see it or just wait for the inevitable wrong-headed Hollywood update?

"Friday the 13th"
I know expanding your opening weekend as much as you can for a bigger gross is the order of the day, but was I the only one vaguely bummed when they bumped up Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix to Wednesday?

"Fourteen Points"
1) Women are crazy. I'm not saying it's their fault, but it's true. And they know it's true. And the fact that some won't admit that they know it's true is irksome to the extreme.
2) In another year or two, we're going to turn on Judd Apatow, and it's not going to be pretty.
3) I loved Veronica Mars, but UPN and the CW gave that show every possible opportunity to succeed and it just didn't. The fact that it got a second season means you've got to give the network some credit. The fact that it got a third season means you have to leave those people alone.
4) The word verification thing blogger rolled out last year sucks. Why do the words have to be stretched out like that? Half the time, I can't tell which letter they're using. Is that a q or a fucked up g? What do you mean it's a fucked up g?! Christ! And no matter what, I always have to do it twice. NO MATTER WHAT.
5) Bryan Lee O'Malley's Scott Pilgrim series is insane. I read the first one, and it was basically your usual indy comic slacker coming-of-age story (read "boring")... until the last ten or fifteen pages when some douchebag and a choir of angels smashed through the roof in the middle of a concert and started a street fight. IT WAS AWESOME. But I can't seem to find Scott Pilgrim and the Infinite Sadness anywhere.
6) I'm oddly comforted by the fact that by the time I hit my Midlife Crisis on Infinite Earths, there will be no derth of barely legal Americanized Asian girls to help me through it.
7) It is my fervent hope that the break-up of Robin and Ted gets How I Met Your Mother back on track. I enjoyed the second season just fine, but it didn't have any of the urgency I felt that first season, when every episode, I was pressing my face to the screen trying to find the Mother of Ted's Children hiding behind a couch in the background. In a way, I must admit, this arc was a bold move here. The third season, like science, can be whatever we want it to be.
8) John McClane would be the worst guy to hang out with. And I'm not saying it because of all of the crazy terrorist plots he just stumbles into. I'm saying it because I bet if you get a couple of drinks in him, he just goes on and on about all of the crazy terrorist plots he just stumbles into. "This one time at Nakatomi Plaza, this German guy shot up a window and I had to walk on broken glass in my bare feet. True story, pal." Plus, his answer to everything seems to be "Yippie-ki-yay motherfucker." Who needs that?
9) Wolverine would actually be worst than McClane. I mean, come on, the smell. Of course, Wolverine's fictional, so it's a moo point anyway.
10) If I'm still referring to it as my Midlife Crisis on Infinite Earths when it happens, I want someone to kill me.
11) I like John Krasinski. I'm just not sure he's a movie star.
12) Jesus is a cockblocker.
13) I need a DC guy. But based on what I've done with my Marvel guy, I could very much be mistaken.
14) These list things are exhausting. But I find mentioning lists in an item within a list tedious and meta and overdone, so let me add this old chestnut: wear sunscreen.

"I’m Fifteen for a Moment..."
Things were better last year. I can't believe Sarah left! Shit. Here comes Jones. Wish he'd stop inviting me over to his house.

"Sweet Sixteen"
I woke up in Columbia and went to bed in California. Yes. It was that kind of day.

"At Seventeen"
A lot of people learn the truth then. I didn't. I was too busy lying. And now it rains and rains and never stops.

"18 and Life"
This is why sometimes I wish I'd had a blog forever. I can't remember what I did on my 18th birthday and have no way of looking it up.

I remember I spent my 17th at the movies. I went to see South Park. Brent's sister was working at the ticket booth and when she saw me going to the movies by myself, she told me that I should have invited her brother along, and I said I'd think about doing that in the future but didn't really mean it.

I remember my 19th birthday, because the Little Black Duck crash landed in Never-Neverland no thanks to the wild wand work of Ron Weasley.

But the 18th's a mystery.

"19th Nervous Breakdown"
Oh how I wish I cared enough to feel them anymore. I self medicate?

"Deadpool #20"
Marvel said:

Following his brutal battle with Ajax, Deadpool has made peace with the ghosts from his past, and now he¹s ready to fulfill L, L & L's plans for him as the "cosmic messiah". One problem: he's gonna do it his way! For starters, he¹s taking Monty, everyone's favorite precog freak, out for a day of fun and sun in Tijuana! It¹s massive hilarity countered by the most sobering ending in the history of man (gosh, this book just loves hyperbole, huh?)! The build-up to "Deadpool Month" begins in earnest with the guest-art of the penciler from the Eisner Award-nominated DEADPOOL #11, Pete Woods!

They went to Monte Carlo, not Tijuana. Though Deadpool made Monty wear a sombreo. I don't remember why.

Oh god! I don't remember why!

"Twenty-One Gun Salute"
Wait, if Steve Rogers is truly dead and gone, why do they keep publishing Captain America? Are we going to get a new Cap? Is it going to be Bucky? Because I'm not sure how cool I am with that.

Steve. Please. Don't listen to Caleb or Ed or anyone else. Come home.

"Catch-22"
Still haven't read this. I started reading it somewhere, but didn't cross that threshold in which I felt compelled to finish. I don't understand people who can read three books at once. It's rare for me to leave a book unfinished. There was the Lillian Braun book that turned out not to be what I wanted, The Corrections (which I'll go back and finish one day, I swear... but really, at this point I'd just have to start all over from the beginning...) and that first Christopher Moore novel.

Guess I'll go back and finish those after Harry Potter. Unless I read Nicholas Kulish's Last One In. What can I say? I'm a sucker for an EW pick.

"Authentic Blend of 23 Flavors"
I don't want to go all Forrest Gump on you, but I do love Dr. Pepper. Maybe not as much as Cherry Coke, which I'd marry, but I could certainly carry on a twelve year affair with Dr. Pepper behind CeeCee's back. Maybe even have a kid with Dr. Pepper that hopefully CeeCee and the kids never find out about. Oh, but what if the daughter I have with Pepper and the son I have with CeeCee meet and fall in love? Ewww... No. I've got to break it off.

"Number 24"
Oh, you are totally underestimating the never-say-die scrappiness of a survivor!

It's brilliant!

God. I miss Venture Bros. And bourbon. Who can celebrate a birthday without Venture Bros. and bourbon?

"Quarter-Century Clark"
Well here I am. Caught in between twenty and thirty.

I turned 25 today, you know.