"The Chronincles of Lenarnia"
I have this theory about writing... that basically every human who's ever written is trying to express the same idea, but it's one idea that encompasses everything, and it can't be written in one sentence, or in one book really, so everyone just tries to tackle one facet of this great question, and even if it's the greatest fucking book ever written (which I'm going to say is The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay at this particular moment in my life, but keep in mind that not only am I horrifically under-read for an English major, but I've been drinking) it will never truly express that idea.

I've also done a little reading on the subject, and it seems that the essential quagmire of human existence is this:

there is The Way Things Should Be and The Way Things Are. The two of them rarely coincide.

It's such a simple little thing written out like that, but if you really think about it, the reality of the situation will drive you out of your tiny little mind. Why isn't life the way it should be? Why? Every religion in the world is trying to answer this question, which is a noble aspiration in the humble opinion of this blogger, no matter what answer you decide to tout as The Truth. What I've noticed, however, is that the answer, no matter your creed, seems to be to leave this world behind and let yourself be absorbed into the Stuff of the Universe, which seems like the greatest cop out in all creation (a feeling that most religious systems would have me believe is the work of some demon on my mind?).

I've strayed from my point, but I guess I'll get back to it:

There's basically one question that I'm constantly asking myself, and that I'm constantly asking on this blog. And I thought it would be nice to ask it straight out just once, without using some allegory to Spider-Man or Daredevil (who, while not my favorite super-hero ever, may be the perfect embodiment of conflict ever created in comics -- if not all art. After all, he's a hero dressed as the ultimate villain... A Christian samurai warrior... A lawyer that takes the law into his own hands... A blind man who sees more than anyone else in the world...)

Will I always be alone?

When I first came to this campus for a three week stint in the summer of 1998, I came up with this concept called Cosmic Abomination Theory. If you follow Judeo-Christian theology (and my eleven-years of Catholic school have basically forced me to) than the reason that a Good and All-Powerful God allows evil to exist is because (S)He allows for free will. If this follows, that there is a certain way that God wants things done, right? For example: Presumably, (S)He only wants two people who love each other to have children. Well, my parents didn't love each other, (hence the whole divorce) and yet I was conceived, right? From this, am I to conclude that I am a cosmic abomination whom God would rather not see exist? Am I a product of Lucifer's evil machinations upon this world? And if so, where should my loyalties be placed? I know it all sounds ego-centric and psychotic, but were I to embrace a certain belief system, this is a way of looking at the world, is it not?

I've been told a number of times that I can't come to any conclusions about my life because I'm too young. I'm only 21, after. But 21 years is a whole life time to some, isn't? Hell, I spent a good eight years thinking 21 years was the most I can expect. After two decades, one starts to notice certain patterns and themes emerging in a life, to do otherwise is either ignorance or denial. What am I supposed to do? What are any of us supposed to do?

At the end of the day, most people just assume it's all going to be all right. They'll do so for varying reasons, like, say, perhaps, because of they are Yahweh's Chosen People, or because Jesus is their Personal Saviour, or because they will strive to realize that Ahtma is the same a Brahma and be released from the cycle of Life and Death, or because Anansi they've shown reverence to Anansi, who has the blessing of the Sky-God, but at the end of the day it takes faith. But what's more important? That you're making the assumption, or the reason why you make it? Does one reason have to be more right than the other? Does the reason we choose have to decide the entire course of our lives?

I accept that there are things that are beyond my control, but at the same time, I try to take responsibility for my life. But what am I responsible for if there's nothing I can do about what happens to me? My mistakes are my own, but my life is in the hands of higher forces? What the hell does that mean? How do I live? What makes my decision any better than yours? If the way I feel doesn't matter at all, what's the point of getting up in the morning? Why is that a stupid question to ask?

Am I the only person in the world who's generally curious as to what the hell Jaleel White is doing these days? Minnow who? Do you have any idea how ineffectual it is to give the silent treatment to someone who doesn't want to talk to you in the first place? Why Can't We Be Friends? am i waiting for the uncovering of simple paths? Have you ever been imprisoned, Nuala? You ever seen that movie Time Bandits? Have you seen that Snickers commercial where the bitter guy in the Barky the Dog suit berates kids at an amusement park? Can you have a "relaxed breakdown"? Do you think Ennis is taking a potshot at Gaiman in "Blood and Whiskey"? Does even Prewitt care about what I just wrote? Don't you hate it when you tell someone you had a weird dream, and suddenly, they want to tell you about the dream they had? How freaking lucky was I to just happen to be on MTV when the new Spider-Man cartoon premiered? Only a friend, Peter Parker? Still with me? No? Who cares? Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got 'til its gone? Why do I even have a penis? Why did my father name me Lenar? What value has a broken heart? Will anyone ever understand all of me? If life is sweet, why am I so bitter? If it's true that the more you know who you are and what you want, the less you let things bother you -- and I believe it is -- which of the two am I unsure of these days? Have you ever met someone you'd really like to get to know, but never did? If Bubble Boy isn't art, why do I love it so? Don't you understand, I already have a plan? If the North Star wasn't always Polaris, which way is True North? If I stopped lying, what else could I say to you people? Is the current of the timestream a crock of shit? And is that $70 good fo all four of your pneumatic dildoes? Regrets? Am I the only one who feels like they spend a lot of time trying to find ways not to honestly express how they feel? When I quote "with great power comes great responsibility", do I really just mean "over-ananlze everything you do and pretend that it can actually have an impact"? How much more time am I convinced that I have to waste? What, uh... what's up with the...? Why do they...? How...? Do you think there are some things that you're always meant to just wonder about? Am I the Ultimate Spider-Fan? Are we ever going to see the grim and gritty grudge match between Jack and the Feel Better Bear? What if hell is nothing more than a world where nothing ever changes? Am I incapable of making up my own rules? Who wants a milkshake? You know what I am? Isn't that wonderful? What's the Ultimate Bill Murray movie? Am I vain or is the song indeed about me? What lesson am I supposed to have learned from all this? How many times do I have to do this for it to have any meaning? What am I doing wrong? What do I have do do right? Will I always be alone?

How many times...?