you tried so hard to be someone
that you forgot who you are
you tried to fill some emptiness
‘til all you had spilled over
now everything’s so far away
that you don’t know where you are, you are

when all that you wanted
and all that you had
don’t seem so much
for you to hold on to
for you to hold on to
for you to belong to

when it’s hard to be yourself
it’s not to be someone else
still everything’s so far away
that you forget where you are, you are

when all that you wanted
and all that you had
don’t seem so much
for you to hold on to
for you to hold on to

hold on
hold on
hold on
hold on
hold on
hold on
hold on
hold on

when all that you wanted
and all that you had
don’t seem so much
for you to hold on to
for you to hold on to
for you to hold on to
for you to belong to
- Jet, "Hold On"

"I Love Blog, Bloggy Blog Blog"
My absolute goal for today is to rewrite "What If the Amazing Spider-Man Was Black?" so that it's a suitable writing sample for Marvel Comics, as well as a workable submission to the Missouri Review. (That and watch Superman 2, which I rented but still haven't watched even though it's due tomorrow at noon.)

So with sooooo much to do, of course, I'm wandering around Columbia on a day that's hot as fuck and stopping by to waste some time and considerable writing talent -- my god, he's so conceited! -- blogging.

"Worst Week Ever"
Actually, it wasn't that bad, I'm just trying to play off that stupid VH-1 show the high school kids at work are always going on about. I'm sorry, but I don't think Michael Ian Black's that funny. There. I said it. And keep in mind, this is coming from a guy who worshipped Ed.

Here's this weeks highlights:
*Cheesy Gordita Crunches.

*Telling everyone at work that the popcorn I popped tasted so good because I made it with love, the ingredients of which are sugar, corn starch, and cocaine.

*Listening to "Mermaid Avenue".

*My Beloved Tin-Tin becoming the godfather of Ben Parker.

*The dream I had in which me and Bernie Mac committed a tiny act of arson at Forum 8 (or as I like to call it, "The Ocho," although -- like my campaing to get FARCers to call McDavid MickeyD's -- it's not going to work out). On our way out of the parking lot, a pack of wolves spotted us, and I told Bernie to stop staring at them, because they took it as a threat. In the end, I think I was about to be fellated by the alpha male before I woke up.

*Maybe being wrong about the Spider-Man 2 soundtrack.

*Dempsey telling me that her high school friend Mel's getting married, and then immediately saying that I always imagined Mel would get married on a hilltop.

*Seeing Anchorman with Heckenberg, who helped me continue the tradition of bringing someone who laughs way more than they should with me at the employee preview.

*Saving that boatload of people without Namor's help after having let so many peoople before them go to a watery grave.

*Twisted Toyfare Theatre Volume 4 came out, including the laugh-a-page riot of "My Big Fat FAT Wedding," inwhich Doctor Octopus and Aunt May are getting married in Vegas, and on the plane ride to Nevada, Electro starts drawing a goofy face on Mysterio's bubble head costume, only for a puff of smoke to reveal that Electro had actually been drawing on his own face the whole time, for Mysterio is Master of Illusion! The end's great to, because right after Ock and Aunt May gets married, a burglar runs by Spider-Man, and he does nothing to stop him, and the thief ends up shooting and killing his Uncle Otto. Priceless!

*Getting ice cream on the phone with Kate.

*Watching "The Man Who Knew Too Little" with co-Coffee and Cigarettes players Bill Murray and Alfred Molina.

*Getting drunk on scotch and punching Hedrick in the back at the Corner Playhouse.

"Idiot Boxer Rebellion"
Okay, even when this Marvel thing doesn't pan out, I think I'm set for life, because I just came up with the greatest idea for a television show ever:

The Adventures of Tobey and Clark.

It'd be an hour long comedramedy about a woefully mis-matched pair -- one guy who's possibly the finest actor of his generation, and the other some mumbly schmuck who's constantly wearing a Spider-Man suit (I'm still not sure which is which) -- and their wacky misadventures. It'd be me and Mr. Maguire just wandering around a fictional city that'd be a odd mix of Los Angeles and Columbia... you know, there'd be shots where we'd be sitting on the columns, but inexplicably, you'd always be able to see the Hollywood sign in the background. In almost every episode, we're just looking for some Chinese food, but we're always being drawn into strange situations by our archnemeses Jon Sessions and Jake Gyllenhaal -- who's mad because we tag-teamed his sister in the pilot.
We'd be aided in our nonstop, nonsensical endeavors by a former IRA assassin with an eye-patch played to perfection by up-and-coming actress K. W. Jeffries.

Oh, and Jaleel White would play Huggy Bear.

One episode would see me and the Tobester (who'd keep begging me not to call him that) trying to ditch Matt Damon, who's boring us to tears just like he does every time he's on some talk show. In another, we've got to clear Leonardo DiCaprio's name because he's been framed for killing a coke whore when really, he just punched her in the face, and Cusack's the one who shot the guy. And I think we'd get a Humanitas and Emmy nod for a very special episode centered around my rabid sensodyne addiction and penned by Will Honley. Oh, and Katie Holmes and I would be trapped in a long-running sub-plot in which I'm in love with her and she has no idea -- like Niles and Daphne in Frasier -- which is further complicated by the fact that I'm trapped in a loveless marriage with Kirsten Dunst, though the sex is absolutely amazing.

The show wouldn't really jump the shark until season three, when -- in an effort to cut costs on the production of Spider-Man 3, Sam Raimi and Sony Pictures submit Tobey to radical experiments that embue him with the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a spider, as well as the ability to stick to walls and shoot webs out of his ass. And at the same time, a freak accident on the set of the direct-to-video Outbreak 2: The Secret of the Ooze destroys Jake Gyllenhaal's immune system, forcing him to live the rest of his life in a plastic bubble, and Sessions is inexplicably trapped in an Easter bunny costume and starts demanding to be called Frank. But after pummelling the hell out of both of them with a stop sign, Tobey and I'd finally find a nice Chinese restaurant.

Of course, the Green Goblin would show up. And he'd pumpkin bomb the hell out of the place.