You wanna know why I never get anything done?
I have no sense of what's important.
Par example: Let's say Marvel Comics sends me a letter asking for an original writing sample. I'll drag my feet for weeks to make a few changes to an old story and send that out.
But let's say I make some throwaway joke about me and Tobey Maguire having a show together, and I'll spend two days banging out a crude pilot script in my spare time and during my lunch break at work.
And as if all that's not bad enough, there's the undeniable fact that when you get right down to it, I'm just not that good a writer. Oh sure, I'm probably better than you, but guess what? You suck, too.
Seriously though, what follows is truly and utterly awful, but man if I didn't have fun writing it. Was it a complete and utter waste of time? Yes. Am I planning on writing another one? Oh hell yeah...
So without further preamble and apology...
TOBEY & CLARK
Episode 1.01 - PILOT
TEASER
INT. SCUZZY HOLLYWOOD MOTEL
MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL lies on the demolished motel bed. She's nude, but the sheets -- inexplicably stained with prune juice -- cover all her good bits. Her hair's disheveled. She's exhausted. And yet, she's got a huge shit-eating grin on her face.
MAGGIE
That... was... amazing...
Sitting on the edge of the bed, LENAR CLARK laces up his shoes.
CLARK
(almost apropos of nothing)
You took my man flower.
The toilet flushes, and TOBEY MAGUIRE steps out of the bathroom, buttoning up his shirt.
TOBEY
Anyone else got a real jones for some Moo Goo Gai Pan?
MAGGIE
I gotta say, I'm kinda stuffed.
CLARK
I get the feeling there's an obvious Spider-Man Team-Up joke in all this.
END TEASER.
*
OPENING CREDITS with Wilco's "Theologians" as theme song:
theologians
they don't know nothing
about my soul
about my soul
i'm an ocean
an abyss in motion
slow motion
slow motion
inlitterati lumen fidei
god is with us everyday
that illiterate light
is with us every night
theologians
that don't know nothing
about my soul
oh they don't know
they thin my heart with little things
and my life with change
oh in so many ways
i find more missing every day
theologians
i'm going away
where you will look for me
where I'm going you cannot come
no one's ever gonna take my life from me
i lay it down
a ghost is born
a ghost is born
a ghost is born
i'm an ocean
i'm all emotion
i'm a cherry ghost
cherry ghost
hey i'm a cherry ghost
a cherry ghost
*
EXT. LOS ANGELES CITY STREET
TOBEY and CLARK make their way down the sidewalk.
CLARK
I'm telling you, this place doesn't exist.
TOBEY
What place? We're looking for a Chinese restaurant in L.A. We're not looking for a certain Chinese restaurant in L.A. We're looking for any Chinese restaurant in L.A. We're not looking for a place. We're looking for any place. And I'm telling you, if we can't find one, we've got no business walking the streets.
CLARK
You say that like it's totally out of the question.
TOBEY
You don't think it is?
CLARK
Well considering one of us is a hot shot Hollywood actor, I'm somewhat confused on why we're not cruising Sunset Strip in a stretch limo or something.
TOBEY
You're a hot shot Hollywood actor?
CLARK
Oh, that's funny. See that right there? That's why you're never going to write your own ticket and be a big movie mogul.
TOBEY
Aw for the love of Pete, enough already. I get it: I'll never be as cool as Zach Braff. There's no way in hell Garden State will get 200 million dollars in its opening week, but what the hell, I'll still never be as cool as Zach Braff. There. I said it. Are you happy now?
CLARK
A little yeah.
TOBEY
Christ. If you think Zach Braff's so cool, why don't you go ride his coattails for a while?
CLARK
He's actually busy putting out work.
TOBEY
Look, if I want to get bitched at, I've got an agent.
CLARK
Oh poor Tobey. The greatest actor of his generation and he doesn’t like to act.
TOBEY
Greatest actor of my generation? Give me a break.
CLARK
What?
TOBEY
Aw, you know. Don't believe your own press and all that. Besides. Look at what our generation's got to offer. James Van Der Beek? Ashton Kutcher? Man... the competition sure is fierce.
CLARK
Don't forget Matt Damon.
TOBEY
Damon's automatically disqualified for his close friendship with Ben Affleck.
CLARK
(sincerely)
I don't know what I was thinking. You're absolutely right.
TOBEY
You're goddamn right.
CLARK
What about Leonardo DiCaprio?
TOBEY
Leo? Please. How much has he done in the last couple of years?
CLARK
(ticking off on his hand)
Gangs of New York... Catch Me If You Can...
TOBEY
Well yeah, but what's he done for me lately?
CLARK
And again, what are you working on right now?
TOBEY
Look, I like to be discerning. Sue me.
CLARK
Oh yeah. You're real discerning. (Fake coughing) Cats and Dogs.
TOBEY
You know, I gotta say, you're awful high and mighty for someone who's done shit with his life. Why don't you go home and draw some more stick figure stories for Marvel Comics?
CLARK
Low blow, Pleasantville.
EXT. GOLDEN DRAGON RESTAURANT
TOBEY and CLARK walk up to the storefront of the Golden Dragon.
TOBEY
See? I told you we'd find one.
CLARK
Men is what we are.
STAN LEE (off camera)
Hey there, true believer!
TOBEY and CLARK turn to see STAN LEE across the busy street, waving in there direction, and waiting for traffic to die down so he can cross over to them.
TOBEY
Aw shit.
CLARK
What?
TOBEY
It's Stan Lee.
CLARK
Stanley who?
TOBEY
You're kidding me right?
CLARK
What? Is this some big Hollywood producer I'm supposed to have heard of?
TOBEY
Oh my god. Now who's not funny...
CLARK
I'm not kidding. I've got no idea who this old fart's supposed to be.
TOBEY
It's Stan Lee! You know, the guy who created Spider-Man? I thought you were supposed to be a comic book geek.
CLARK
(shocked)
Wait... You mean Stan Lee?
TOBEY
Yeah.
CLARK
What's he doing in L.A.?
TOBEY
What are you talking about? He lives in L.A.
CLARK
He does?
TOBEY
He moved out here when he retired.
CLARK
Really? I figured he spent his retirement wandering the streets of New York, pulling innocent bystanders out of the way of falling debris.
TOBEY stares at him blankly for a moment.
TOBEY
You really, really have to get out more.
CLARK
I'm hip.
Traffic's died down, and STAN starts crossing the street toward them.
TOBEY
Great. Here he comes.
CLARK
What's the big deal?
TOBEY
The guy's nuts! He spent a few days on the set of Spider-Man, and now every time he sees me, he starts talking at me about Peter Parker.
CLARK
Whoa. Really?
STAN enters the scene, grabbing TOBEY's hand and shaking it vigorously.
STAN
Well, if it isn't Midtown High's only professional wallcrawler.
TOBEY
Hey Stan, nice to see you.
STAN
The pleasure's all mine. I hope you remembered to send my regards to your dear old Aunt.
TOBEY
Uh, you mean Rosemary?
STAN
Rosemary? I thought her name was May Parker. But what would I know? I only made her up and all...
TOBEY just stares at STAN.
TOBEY
I have no idea what to do with that.
STAN
(turning to CLARK)
Hey Pete, you haven't introduced me to your friend.
CLARK
(shaking STAN's hand)
Hobie Brown, sir.
STAN
(a look of concentration crossing his face)
Say... haven't I seen you washing windows on Flatbrush Avenue?
TOBEY
Flatbrush Avenue?
CLARK
(ignoring him)
Yes sir. And I tell you, I've whipped up some inventions that could revolutionize the window washing industry.
STAN
You don't say…
TOBEY
(obviously not amused)
Yeah. Isn't he something? Look Stan, we were just about to get some food, so...
STAN
Well, I actually just ate, but to be honest, I'm still feeling a little peckish. I'd be delighted to join you.
TOBEY
Uh, you would?
STAN
Absolutely!
TOBEY
Well that's just great. In fact, why don't you go on in and get us a table? We'll be right in with you. I'm just going to, uh, find a pay phone and, uh, check in on Aunt May or something.
STAN
(beaming)
Sure thing, Pete.
STAN goes into the restaurant.
TOBEY
Come on, let’s get the hell out of here.
They start walking down the street.
CLARK
What? We're going to ditch him?
TOBEY
You bet your black ass we are. If you think I'm going to spend another meal with that whack job telling me that with great power comes great responsibility every two minutes, you're as out of your mind as he is...
CLARK
You're not worried about offending him?
TOBEY
No. Next time, I'll just tell him that I saw the Vulture robbing a jewelry store and just had to get some action pix for the Daily Bugle. The crazy old bastard'll be in hog heaven. And what was all that window washing stuff?
CLARK
I was being the Prowler. He first appeared in Amazing Spider-Man #78 and I just thought that --
TOBEY
Whoa. Wait a minute. You were actually encouraging him?!
CLARK
Well, it seemed kind of fun.
TOBEY
Jesus Christ, Clark. Forget it. I think there's another Chinese place a block or two from here...
They walk off screen.
*
COMMERCIAL BREAK
*
EXT. LOS ANGELES STREET
TOBEY and CLARK continue to walk along the sidewalk.
CLARK
How can you not even know who the Prowler is?
TOBEY
I just don't.
CLARK
What about Man Mountain Marko?
TOBEY
Nope.
CLARK
The Tarantula?
TOBEY
Nuh-uh.
CLARK
The Jackal?
TOBEY
Are you sure that's a Spider-Man thing? I thought Bruce Willis was in that.
CLARK
Yes, I'm sure it's a Spider-Man thing. Christ Maguire, don't you have to research these roles or something?
TOBEY
Yeah, well I've never hung out at Planned Parenthood or read Wonder Boys either.
CLARK
Planned Parenthood?
TOBEY
It's a Cider House Rules joke.
CLARK
I never got around to seeing that.
TOBEY
We can all tell.
As they walk by an alley, HUGGY BEAR steps out and stops them.
HUGGY BEAR
Fancy running into a couple of fly cats like ya'll out here.
CLARK & TOBEY
(in unison)
Hey Urkel.
HUGGY BEAR
I done told ya'll, call me Huggy Bear.
CLARK
And we told you, no way in hell.
TOBEY
And I thought you said you wanted to be called Jay-Z last week, Jaleel.
HUGGY BEAR
Yeah, well it turns out that name was taken already.
CLARK
(shaking his head)
I swear, do you even know any other black people?
HUGGY BEAR
Do you?
Beat.
CLARK
Well played, White. Well played.
TOBEY
We're getting some Chinese food. Wanna come?
HUGGY BEAR
Naw, dawg. I got some honeys back at the crib waiting for a bear hug, know what I'm sayin'? I just wanted to pass a tip on to ya'll to do with as you see fit.
CLARK
What are you talking about?
HUGGY BEAR
Here's a hint, my man: A certain somebody who used to Say Anything might just be into a little white slavery done at the docks.
TOBEY
For the last time, we don't care about this stuff. We're not crime fighters!
CLARK
Why don't you call the police?
HUGGY BEAR
Hey, I ain't no snitch.
TOBEY
Yeah, well you're not much of anything these days, are you?
HUGGY BEAR
Low blow, Pleasantville.
TOBEY
Come on, Clark. Let's go. I'm starving like Marvin the Martian.
TOBEY and CLARK leave and HUGGY BEAR recedes into the shadowy alley, singing the theme song to Family Matters.
EXT. GOLDEN TIGER RESTAURANT
TOBEY and CLARK walk up to the storefront of the restaurant.
TOBEY
Thank Christ. What a night. Let's just sit down and unwind.
CLARK
You got it, Tobester.
TOBEY
Please don't call me that.
JON SESSIONS walks up to them.
JON
Well, well, well. If it isn't Lenerd Clark and Dopey Maguire.
They stare at him blankly for two full minutes.
KATE O'JEFFRIES, eye-patched former IRA assassin runs up behind SESSIONS and hits him in the back with a folding chair, knocking him on the ground.
CLARK
Thanks, Kate.
KATE
(shrugging and kicking SESSIONS repeatedly)
I had the chair.
TOBEY
Dopey Maguire?
INT. GOLDEN TIGER RESTAURANT
TOBEY and CLARK enter the waiting area of the restaurant.
TOBEY
I should probably mention, Jake Gyllenhaal tends to eat here a lot.
CLARK
So?
TOBEY
So, he's pretty protective of his sister. He got in a fist fight with Jason Biggs because Biggs said Secretary was all right. So if you see him, don't say anything stupid.
CLARK
What am I going to say?
TOBEY
(shrugging)
Just thought I'd mention it.
JAKE GYLLENHAAL, walks out of the dining area on the way out, spots them, and stops.
JAKE
Hey Tobey. What's up?
TOBEY
Not much, Jake. Just getting some food. This is my friend Lenar Clark.
JAKE and CLARK shake hands.
JAKE
Nice to meet you.
CLARK
We [expletive deleted] your sister.
A look of horror crosses TOBEY’s face.
EXT. GOLDEN TIGER RESTAURANT
JAKE and CLARK explode through the window of the storefront, JAKE pummeling CLARK as best he can.
JAKE
I'll kill you!
CLARK
Was it something I said?
TOBEY comes out of the restaurant shouting.
TOBEY
Jake stop it! Someone's going to call the cops!
CLARK
And if the LAPD shows up, I'm as good as shot in the face!
KATE O'JEFFRIES runs up and cracks JAKE over the head with a bowling pin. He slumps over, unconscious.
CLARK
Thanks, Kate.
KATE
(shrugging and kicking JAKE repeatedly)
I had the bowling pin.
TOBEY
Come on, Clark. Let's try back at the Golden Dragon.
CLARK
You want to come, Kate?
KATE
Sure.
They exit. JAKE GYLLENHAAL begins to stir, regaining consciousness.
JAKE
(mumbling to himself)
Revenge... I'll get my revenge on those perverts if it's the last thing I do... This I swear.
JON
(entering)
Ah, but isn't revenge a dish best served for two?
JAKE
Who are you?
JON
I'm your enemy's enemy, Jake, my boy.
JAKE
And my enemy’s enemy is my friend.
JON
Quite right, old chap. Together, we'll be more than a match for the likes of Tobey Maguire and Lenar Clark.
JAKE
More than a match indeed...
STAN LEE
(voiceover)
And so, fiercely fortified with the twin flames of hate burning black within their respective breasts, a dastardly duo more deadly than the darkest doom dreamt by daring doers of deranged deeds was formed that very night...
INT. GOLDEN DRAGON RESTAURANT
STAN and KATE sit at a table. STAN continues his narration to a bored and distressed O'JEFFRIES.
STAN
(continued)
And that's how the Wingless Wizard and Mysterio, Master of Illusion teamed-up against Spider-Man and the Human Torch in Amazing Spider-Man Annual #4.
KATE
That's just... great. I wonder where the boys wandered off to? They've sure been in the bathroom a long time.
STAN
If I know Peter Parker -- and if anybody knows Peter Parker, I do --
KATE
(under her breath)
I wish I could go just one day without someone telling me how well they know Peter Parker...
STAN
-- I'm sure he's found something to keep him busy.
EXT. BACK ALLEY BEHIND THE GOLDEN DRAGON RESTAURANT
TOBEY and CLARK drop down into the alley from the bathroom window.
CLARK
I feel kind of bad ditching Kate like that...
TOBEY
Yeah, well if you want, we can go back in there for another twenty minutes and you'll get over that feeling real quick.
CLARK
That's okay. Wanna try the Golden Tiger again?
TOBEY
Nah. The cops are probably still taking statements down there...
CLARK
...and again, any excuse for an LA cop to shoot me...
TOBEY
Exactly. Come on. I know a place where we can kill some time...
*
COMMERCIAL BREAK
*
EXT. JJJ'S JIGGLY JOINT
Establishing shot of a dirty old strip club in a seedy side of Hollywood (not that it’s all the glitzy to begin with). Chumbawumba's "Tubthumping" fills the soundtrack.
INT. JJJ'S JIGGLY JOINT
TOBEY and CLARK sit sulking. A STRIPPER dances right before them on a stage, but the shot's set up in such a way we can only see her legs. They're not even looking at her.
TOBEY
Hey Clark, wanna hear something funny?
CLARK
Desperately.
TOBEY
I was going to be in American Pie.
CLARK
Really?
TOBEY
Yeah. They wanted me to play Paul Finch. Told me they wrote the part for me. You know, the vaguely cultured guy who ends up, well...
CLARK
Uh-huh.
TOBEY
Well anyway, they asked me, and I told them no. Told them that wasn't where I wanted my career to go.
CLARK
Well good for you right? You knew what you wanted and you stuck to it. You didn't sell out...
TOBEY
A week later I saw Empire Records on TV. I called my agent right then and there and told her I wanted the part. She called me back a half-hour later and told me they'd already given the role to Eddie Thomas. And I went off to do Ride with the Devil.
CLARK
Whoa...
TOBEY
Yep. For thirty minutes in my life, I was all set to play the guy who bangs Stiffler's Mom. And at the end of the day, I've got to remember that no matter what else happens, that's who I wanted to be.
They sit in silence for a time.
CLARK
Yeah, but what's any of that got to do with Empire Records?
TOBEY
What?
CLARK
You said seeing Empire Records on TV made you want to be in American Pie. Why?
TOBEY
Because I wasn't in it.
CLARK
Well you weren't in Zoolander either, and yet somehow you seem to muddle through.
TOBEY
Yeah, but I was supposed to be in Empire Records. I was on the set. They filmed me... but they cut me out.
CLARK
Really? Why?
TOBEY
I have no idea.
Beat.
CLARK
What's the point, Tobey?
TOBEY
That's what I'm asking you, man. What's the point? Here I sit, rich and famous, and it all seems like an accident half the time. There but for the grace of god go I. And for all my wealth and fame, I can't get some goddamn Moo Goo Gai Pan.
CLARK
If you're hungry, why don't you order something here? I think they've got Buffalo wings.
TOBEY
It's the principle of the thing. Today I had freaky sex with a Hollywood starlet and left the father of the modern comic book sitting in a restaurant with a cycloptic former IRA assassin. And yet, a little Chinese food -- a little something normal -- is too much to ask?
CLARK
Yeah, well I've got all the something normal I can stand in my life, and I got to tell you, from where I'm sitting, it don't seem like you got it that bad. Hell, I wish I could just get out and meet somebody.
TOBEY
What are you talking about? Take a look around, Clark. There's plenty of people to meet right here.
CLARK
Aw, you know what I mean.
TOBEY
Yeah, I know what you mean... you still think you're going to find happiness in someone else's heart.
CLARK
What's so wrong with that?
TOBEY
Everything.
Beat.
CLARK
Well yeah, sure. When you put it that way... but you're telling me you can't introduce me to someone?
TOBEY
I introduced you to Maggie!
CLARK
And of that, may we never speak again.
TOBEY
The thing with the prunes was pretty messed up.
They both sit and shudder for a moment, their assholes puckering.
EXT. JJJ's JIGGLY JOINT.
A car pulls into the parking lot.
INT. CAR
JON SESSIONS sits behind the wheel with JAKE GYLLENHAAL in the passenger seat.
JAKE
Are you sure they're in there?
JON
Positive.
JAKE
Okay, so what now?
JON
We wait for them to come out, and then we go on with the plan.
JAKE
They'll never know what hit 'em.
INT. JJJ's JIGGLY JOINT
Same two-and-a-half shot as before with TOBEY and CLARK and STRIPPER’s LEGS.
CLARK
(looking around now)
I guess you're right. There really are plenty of people to meet here. What is this place anyway?
TOBEY
This is where you go when you need to research the world of exotic dancing for a movie.
CLARK
Really?
TOBEY
Elizabeth Berkley worked here for a month before making Showgirls.
CLARK
Whoa. She actually studied up to turn out that crap?
TOBEY
Now you see why I've never bothered with the Spider-Man comics.
CLARK
I guess. Is anyone famous working here now?
TOBEY
Oh yeah.
CLARK
Really? Who? Where?
TOBEY shrugs, then looks up at the STRIPPER whose legs have been sashaying throughout their entire exchange.
TOBEY
Hey Katie, have I introduced you to my friend Clark?
CLARK
(looking up at the STRIPPER for the first time)
Holy crap! Katie Holmes? I'm a huge fan! I loved your work in Dawson's Creek.
KATIE
(her face still off screen)
Thanks.
CLARK
You know... before it got bad.
KATIE
(her face still off screen)
I blame the writing.
CLARK
So what are you doing this for?
KATIE
(her face still off screen)
I'm going to be in Strip Tease 2: The Search for Curly's Gold.
CLARK
Oh, good for you. I've always liked your film work. Pieces of April was really good.
TOBEY
*Ahem*
CLARK
(rolling his eyes)
Oh, and Wonder Boys and The Ice Storm were both rocking tour de forces.
KATIE’s gold sequence top flutters down from off camera and lands on CLARK’s face.
CLARK
(without missing a beat)
And The Gift was good too.
EXT. JJJ's JIGGLY JOINT.
TOBEY and CLARK make their way out of the building.
CLARK
I saw Teri Hatcher on the way out. Is she researching a role, too?
TOBEY
No. She just works here now.
INT. CAR
JON and JAKE take notice of TOBEY and CLARK's egress from the strip club.
JAKE
Look! It's them!
JON
All right, let's do this.
EXT. JJJ's JIGGLY JOINT's PARKING LOT
TOBEY stops suddenly. His eyes widen.
CLARK
(concerned)
Tobester? What is it?
TOBEY
Shh... My common sense is tingling.
Suddenly, the two of them are enveloped in the bright lights of the car's high beams as it roars to life. They shield their eyes, frightened.
*
COMMERCIAL BREAK
*
EXT. JJJ's JIGGLY JOINT
The car idles forward, gently, and we get our first good look at it. It's an old station wagon outfitted with a public address system. The type of car used for campaigning in old fashioned movies. JON drives around in a circle, grinning like an idiot while JAKE mans the mike.
JAKE
(over the PA)
Ladies and gentleman within earshot, I just want you all to know that Tobey Maguire and Lenar Clark are both big jerks. They smell bad and they eat worms. They are, in fact, doo-doo heads, and nobody should like them...
As JAKE continues his juvenile tirade, TOBEY and CLARK look on in mild disbelief.
TOBEY
(softly to CLARK)
You have no idea how much I wish I could say that this is the stupidest thing that's ever happened to me.
CLARK
Consider who you're talking to.
TOBEY
Point.
JAKE
Honk if you, too, were disappointed by the first Spider-Man flick. And didn't Seabiscuit seem overblown? And somebody tell Lenar Clark that his blog is boring and self-indulgent!
TOBEY
You know, he's kind of got a point.
CLARK
I was about to tell you the same thing.
TOBEY points over to a nearby truckload of bananas.
TOBEY
Hey, Clark... you thinking what I'm thinking?
CLARK
(face scrunched in concentration)
I think so...
Wavey-dream wipe to a clip from Beverly Hills Cop in which Axel Foley sticks a banana in a car's exhaust pipe to hilarious malfunction. If such a clip proves too expensive to obtain, might I suggest using the clip from Kevin Smith's Clerks: The Animated Series that parodies this scene? Regardless, once it's done, wavey-dream wipe back to the previous setting.
CLARK
(smiling)
All right, let's do it...
CLARK and TOBEY haul ass toward the banana truck.
INT. CAR
JON and JAKE continue circling the parking lot.
JAKE
...and Tobey's a vegetarian, as if that makes him really noble 'cause he cares about all forms of life or something. I ask you, which living thing is more defenseless, a cow or a carrot?
JON
(to JAKE)
Come on, man. It's my turn. Don't boggart the mic.
EXT. JJJ's JIGGLY JOINT PARKING LOT
Close up of the exhaust pipe of the car. Pull back to a wide shot of the car, as the banana truck smashes into it at forty miles and hour, knocking it into a wall.
INT. CAR
JON and JAKE are shaken up, but not to seriously injured. The PA is in ruins.
JON
(groaning in discomfort)
My duodenum!
JAKE
(moaning in pain)
Low blow, Pleasantville.
INT. BANANA TRUCK
TOBEY sits behind the wheel with a look of smug satisfaction bordering on the psychotic. CLARK just looks confused.
CLARK
That wasn't exactly what I had in mind...
TOBEY
Yeah, I definitely took it up a notch.
They hear sirens in the distance.
TOBEY
Let's skiddadle.
CLARK
You don't have to tell me twice.
They both hop out of the truck.
EXT. LOS ANGELES CITY STREET.
TOBEY and CLARK make their way down the sidewalk, approaching the Golden Dragon once more.
TOBEY
What a night.
CLARK
Tell me about it.
TOBEY
You wanna try the Golden Dragon again?
CLARK
I guess it's worth a shot.
EXT. GOLDEN DRAGON
STAN LEE's stepping out of the front door, when he spots TOBEY and CLARK approaching.
STAN
(shouting to them from a considerable distance)
Hey guys! You made it back! What kept you, pray tell?
EXT. LOS ANGELES CITY STREET
CLARK
(to his shocked and appalled companion)
You got to hand it to the man, nothing keeps him down.
TOBEY
(looking skyward in an appeal to God)
Heaven help us.
POLICE OFFICER
(off camera)
Help! A thief! Someone stop that guy!
TOBEY and CLARK turn to see a fat, older POLICE OFFICER chasing an armed BURGLAR with a bag of money in his hand.
CLARK
No good can possibly come out of this.
The BURGLAR runs right past them. The OFFICER stops when he reaches them, out of breath.
POLICE OFFICER
What's the matter with you two? All you had to do was trip him!
TOBEY
And all you had to do was fire a warning shot into his spine or something.
CLARK
Or maybe laid off the donuts. Aren't you guys supposed to stay in shape for this very type of thing?
POLICE OFFICER
Have you no sense of responsibility?
There's a GUN SHOT.
STAN (off camera)
ARGH!
EXT. GOLDEN DRAGON
STAN lies in a pool of blood right in front of the restaurant. A crowd has gathered around him.
INNOCENT BYSTANDER
Oh my God! He's been shot!
TOBEY and CLARK exchange panicked looks before taking off running in opposite directions.
THE END
I have no sense of what's important.
Par example: Let's say Marvel Comics sends me a letter asking for an original writing sample. I'll drag my feet for weeks to make a few changes to an old story and send that out.
But let's say I make some throwaway joke about me and Tobey Maguire having a show together, and I'll spend two days banging out a crude pilot script in my spare time and during my lunch break at work.
And as if all that's not bad enough, there's the undeniable fact that when you get right down to it, I'm just not that good a writer. Oh sure, I'm probably better than you, but guess what? You suck, too.
Seriously though, what follows is truly and utterly awful, but man if I didn't have fun writing it. Was it a complete and utter waste of time? Yes. Am I planning on writing another one? Oh hell yeah...
So without further preamble and apology...
TOBEY & CLARK
Episode 1.01 - PILOT
TEASER
INT. SCUZZY HOLLYWOOD MOTEL
MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL lies on the demolished motel bed. She's nude, but the sheets -- inexplicably stained with prune juice -- cover all her good bits. Her hair's disheveled. She's exhausted. And yet, she's got a huge shit-eating grin on her face.
MAGGIE
That... was... amazing...
Sitting on the edge of the bed, LENAR CLARK laces up his shoes.
CLARK
(almost apropos of nothing)
You took my man flower.
The toilet flushes, and TOBEY MAGUIRE steps out of the bathroom, buttoning up his shirt.
TOBEY
Anyone else got a real jones for some Moo Goo Gai Pan?
MAGGIE
I gotta say, I'm kinda stuffed.
CLARK
I get the feeling there's an obvious Spider-Man Team-Up joke in all this.
END TEASER.
*
OPENING CREDITS with Wilco's "Theologians" as theme song:
theologians
they don't know nothing
about my soul
about my soul
i'm an ocean
an abyss in motion
slow motion
slow motion
inlitterati lumen fidei
god is with us everyday
that illiterate light
is with us every night
theologians
that don't know nothing
about my soul
oh they don't know
they thin my heart with little things
and my life with change
oh in so many ways
i find more missing every day
theologians
i'm going away
where you will look for me
where I'm going you cannot come
no one's ever gonna take my life from me
i lay it down
a ghost is born
a ghost is born
a ghost is born
i'm an ocean
i'm all emotion
i'm a cherry ghost
cherry ghost
hey i'm a cherry ghost
a cherry ghost
*
EXT. LOS ANGELES CITY STREET
TOBEY and CLARK make their way down the sidewalk.
CLARK
I'm telling you, this place doesn't exist.
TOBEY
What place? We're looking for a Chinese restaurant in L.A. We're not looking for a certain Chinese restaurant in L.A. We're looking for any Chinese restaurant in L.A. We're not looking for a place. We're looking for any place. And I'm telling you, if we can't find one, we've got no business walking the streets.
CLARK
You say that like it's totally out of the question.
TOBEY
You don't think it is?
CLARK
Well considering one of us is a hot shot Hollywood actor, I'm somewhat confused on why we're not cruising Sunset Strip in a stretch limo or something.
TOBEY
You're a hot shot Hollywood actor?
CLARK
Oh, that's funny. See that right there? That's why you're never going to write your own ticket and be a big movie mogul.
TOBEY
Aw for the love of Pete, enough already. I get it: I'll never be as cool as Zach Braff. There's no way in hell Garden State will get 200 million dollars in its opening week, but what the hell, I'll still never be as cool as Zach Braff. There. I said it. Are you happy now?
CLARK
A little yeah.
TOBEY
Christ. If you think Zach Braff's so cool, why don't you go ride his coattails for a while?
CLARK
He's actually busy putting out work.
TOBEY
Look, if I want to get bitched at, I've got an agent.
CLARK
Oh poor Tobey. The greatest actor of his generation and he doesn’t like to act.
TOBEY
Greatest actor of my generation? Give me a break.
CLARK
What?
TOBEY
Aw, you know. Don't believe your own press and all that. Besides. Look at what our generation's got to offer. James Van Der Beek? Ashton Kutcher? Man... the competition sure is fierce.
CLARK
Don't forget Matt Damon.
TOBEY
Damon's automatically disqualified for his close friendship with Ben Affleck.
CLARK
(sincerely)
I don't know what I was thinking. You're absolutely right.
TOBEY
You're goddamn right.
CLARK
What about Leonardo DiCaprio?
TOBEY
Leo? Please. How much has he done in the last couple of years?
CLARK
(ticking off on his hand)
Gangs of New York... Catch Me If You Can...
TOBEY
Well yeah, but what's he done for me lately?
CLARK
And again, what are you working on right now?
TOBEY
Look, I like to be discerning. Sue me.
CLARK
Oh yeah. You're real discerning. (Fake coughing) Cats and Dogs.
TOBEY
You know, I gotta say, you're awful high and mighty for someone who's done shit with his life. Why don't you go home and draw some more stick figure stories for Marvel Comics?
CLARK
Low blow, Pleasantville.
EXT. GOLDEN DRAGON RESTAURANT
TOBEY and CLARK walk up to the storefront of the Golden Dragon.
TOBEY
See? I told you we'd find one.
CLARK
Men is what we are.
STAN LEE (off camera)
Hey there, true believer!
TOBEY and CLARK turn to see STAN LEE across the busy street, waving in there direction, and waiting for traffic to die down so he can cross over to them.
TOBEY
Aw shit.
CLARK
What?
TOBEY
It's Stan Lee.
CLARK
Stanley who?
TOBEY
You're kidding me right?
CLARK
What? Is this some big Hollywood producer I'm supposed to have heard of?
TOBEY
Oh my god. Now who's not funny...
CLARK
I'm not kidding. I've got no idea who this old fart's supposed to be.
TOBEY
It's Stan Lee! You know, the guy who created Spider-Man? I thought you were supposed to be a comic book geek.
CLARK
(shocked)
Wait... You mean Stan Lee?
TOBEY
Yeah.
CLARK
What's he doing in L.A.?
TOBEY
What are you talking about? He lives in L.A.
CLARK
He does?
TOBEY
He moved out here when he retired.
CLARK
Really? I figured he spent his retirement wandering the streets of New York, pulling innocent bystanders out of the way of falling debris.
TOBEY stares at him blankly for a moment.
TOBEY
You really, really have to get out more.
CLARK
I'm hip.
Traffic's died down, and STAN starts crossing the street toward them.
TOBEY
Great. Here he comes.
CLARK
What's the big deal?
TOBEY
The guy's nuts! He spent a few days on the set of Spider-Man, and now every time he sees me, he starts talking at me about Peter Parker.
CLARK
Whoa. Really?
STAN enters the scene, grabbing TOBEY's hand and shaking it vigorously.
STAN
Well, if it isn't Midtown High's only professional wallcrawler.
TOBEY
Hey Stan, nice to see you.
STAN
The pleasure's all mine. I hope you remembered to send my regards to your dear old Aunt.
TOBEY
Uh, you mean Rosemary?
STAN
Rosemary? I thought her name was May Parker. But what would I know? I only made her up and all...
TOBEY just stares at STAN.
TOBEY
I have no idea what to do with that.
STAN
(turning to CLARK)
Hey Pete, you haven't introduced me to your friend.
CLARK
(shaking STAN's hand)
Hobie Brown, sir.
STAN
(a look of concentration crossing his face)
Say... haven't I seen you washing windows on Flatbrush Avenue?
TOBEY
Flatbrush Avenue?
CLARK
(ignoring him)
Yes sir. And I tell you, I've whipped up some inventions that could revolutionize the window washing industry.
STAN
You don't say…
TOBEY
(obviously not amused)
Yeah. Isn't he something? Look Stan, we were just about to get some food, so...
STAN
Well, I actually just ate, but to be honest, I'm still feeling a little peckish. I'd be delighted to join you.
TOBEY
Uh, you would?
STAN
Absolutely!
TOBEY
Well that's just great. In fact, why don't you go on in and get us a table? We'll be right in with you. I'm just going to, uh, find a pay phone and, uh, check in on Aunt May or something.
STAN
(beaming)
Sure thing, Pete.
STAN goes into the restaurant.
TOBEY
Come on, let’s get the hell out of here.
They start walking down the street.
CLARK
What? We're going to ditch him?
TOBEY
You bet your black ass we are. If you think I'm going to spend another meal with that whack job telling me that with great power comes great responsibility every two minutes, you're as out of your mind as he is...
CLARK
You're not worried about offending him?
TOBEY
No. Next time, I'll just tell him that I saw the Vulture robbing a jewelry store and just had to get some action pix for the Daily Bugle. The crazy old bastard'll be in hog heaven. And what was all that window washing stuff?
CLARK
I was being the Prowler. He first appeared in Amazing Spider-Man #78 and I just thought that --
TOBEY
Whoa. Wait a minute. You were actually encouraging him?!
CLARK
Well, it seemed kind of fun.
TOBEY
Jesus Christ, Clark. Forget it. I think there's another Chinese place a block or two from here...
They walk off screen.
*
COMMERCIAL BREAK
*
EXT. LOS ANGELES STREET
TOBEY and CLARK continue to walk along the sidewalk.
CLARK
How can you not even know who the Prowler is?
TOBEY
I just don't.
CLARK
What about Man Mountain Marko?
TOBEY
Nope.
CLARK
The Tarantula?
TOBEY
Nuh-uh.
CLARK
The Jackal?
TOBEY
Are you sure that's a Spider-Man thing? I thought Bruce Willis was in that.
CLARK
Yes, I'm sure it's a Spider-Man thing. Christ Maguire, don't you have to research these roles or something?
TOBEY
Yeah, well I've never hung out at Planned Parenthood or read Wonder Boys either.
CLARK
Planned Parenthood?
TOBEY
It's a Cider House Rules joke.
CLARK
I never got around to seeing that.
TOBEY
We can all tell.
As they walk by an alley, HUGGY BEAR steps out and stops them.
HUGGY BEAR
Fancy running into a couple of fly cats like ya'll out here.
CLARK & TOBEY
(in unison)
Hey Urkel.
HUGGY BEAR
I done told ya'll, call me Huggy Bear.
CLARK
And we told you, no way in hell.
TOBEY
And I thought you said you wanted to be called Jay-Z last week, Jaleel.
HUGGY BEAR
Yeah, well it turns out that name was taken already.
CLARK
(shaking his head)
I swear, do you even know any other black people?
HUGGY BEAR
Do you?
Beat.
CLARK
Well played, White. Well played.
TOBEY
We're getting some Chinese food. Wanna come?
HUGGY BEAR
Naw, dawg. I got some honeys back at the crib waiting for a bear hug, know what I'm sayin'? I just wanted to pass a tip on to ya'll to do with as you see fit.
CLARK
What are you talking about?
HUGGY BEAR
Here's a hint, my man: A certain somebody who used to Say Anything might just be into a little white slavery done at the docks.
TOBEY
For the last time, we don't care about this stuff. We're not crime fighters!
CLARK
Why don't you call the police?
HUGGY BEAR
Hey, I ain't no snitch.
TOBEY
Yeah, well you're not much of anything these days, are you?
HUGGY BEAR
Low blow, Pleasantville.
TOBEY
Come on, Clark. Let's go. I'm starving like Marvin the Martian.
TOBEY and CLARK leave and HUGGY BEAR recedes into the shadowy alley, singing the theme song to Family Matters.
EXT. GOLDEN TIGER RESTAURANT
TOBEY and CLARK walk up to the storefront of the restaurant.
TOBEY
Thank Christ. What a night. Let's just sit down and unwind.
CLARK
You got it, Tobester.
TOBEY
Please don't call me that.
JON SESSIONS walks up to them.
JON
Well, well, well. If it isn't Lenerd Clark and Dopey Maguire.
They stare at him blankly for two full minutes.
KATE O'JEFFRIES, eye-patched former IRA assassin runs up behind SESSIONS and hits him in the back with a folding chair, knocking him on the ground.
CLARK
Thanks, Kate.
KATE
(shrugging and kicking SESSIONS repeatedly)
I had the chair.
TOBEY
Dopey Maguire?
INT. GOLDEN TIGER RESTAURANT
TOBEY and CLARK enter the waiting area of the restaurant.
TOBEY
I should probably mention, Jake Gyllenhaal tends to eat here a lot.
CLARK
So?
TOBEY
So, he's pretty protective of his sister. He got in a fist fight with Jason Biggs because Biggs said Secretary was all right. So if you see him, don't say anything stupid.
CLARK
What am I going to say?
TOBEY
(shrugging)
Just thought I'd mention it.
JAKE GYLLENHAAL, walks out of the dining area on the way out, spots them, and stops.
JAKE
Hey Tobey. What's up?
TOBEY
Not much, Jake. Just getting some food. This is my friend Lenar Clark.
JAKE and CLARK shake hands.
JAKE
Nice to meet you.
CLARK
We [expletive deleted] your sister.
A look of horror crosses TOBEY’s face.
EXT. GOLDEN TIGER RESTAURANT
JAKE and CLARK explode through the window of the storefront, JAKE pummeling CLARK as best he can.
JAKE
I'll kill you!
CLARK
Was it something I said?
TOBEY comes out of the restaurant shouting.
TOBEY
Jake stop it! Someone's going to call the cops!
CLARK
And if the LAPD shows up, I'm as good as shot in the face!
KATE O'JEFFRIES runs up and cracks JAKE over the head with a bowling pin. He slumps over, unconscious.
CLARK
Thanks, Kate.
KATE
(shrugging and kicking JAKE repeatedly)
I had the bowling pin.
TOBEY
Come on, Clark. Let's try back at the Golden Dragon.
CLARK
You want to come, Kate?
KATE
Sure.
They exit. JAKE GYLLENHAAL begins to stir, regaining consciousness.
JAKE
(mumbling to himself)
Revenge... I'll get my revenge on those perverts if it's the last thing I do... This I swear.
JON
(entering)
Ah, but isn't revenge a dish best served for two?
JAKE
Who are you?
JON
I'm your enemy's enemy, Jake, my boy.
JAKE
And my enemy’s enemy is my friend.
JON
Quite right, old chap. Together, we'll be more than a match for the likes of Tobey Maguire and Lenar Clark.
JAKE
More than a match indeed...
STAN LEE
(voiceover)
And so, fiercely fortified with the twin flames of hate burning black within their respective breasts, a dastardly duo more deadly than the darkest doom dreamt by daring doers of deranged deeds was formed that very night...
INT. GOLDEN DRAGON RESTAURANT
STAN and KATE sit at a table. STAN continues his narration to a bored and distressed O'JEFFRIES.
STAN
(continued)
And that's how the Wingless Wizard and Mysterio, Master of Illusion teamed-up against Spider-Man and the Human Torch in Amazing Spider-Man Annual #4.
KATE
That's just... great. I wonder where the boys wandered off to? They've sure been in the bathroom a long time.
STAN
If I know Peter Parker -- and if anybody knows Peter Parker, I do --
KATE
(under her breath)
I wish I could go just one day without someone telling me how well they know Peter Parker...
STAN
-- I'm sure he's found something to keep him busy.
EXT. BACK ALLEY BEHIND THE GOLDEN DRAGON RESTAURANT
TOBEY and CLARK drop down into the alley from the bathroom window.
CLARK
I feel kind of bad ditching Kate like that...
TOBEY
Yeah, well if you want, we can go back in there for another twenty minutes and you'll get over that feeling real quick.
CLARK
That's okay. Wanna try the Golden Tiger again?
TOBEY
Nah. The cops are probably still taking statements down there...
CLARK
...and again, any excuse for an LA cop to shoot me...
TOBEY
Exactly. Come on. I know a place where we can kill some time...
*
COMMERCIAL BREAK
*
EXT. JJJ'S JIGGLY JOINT
Establishing shot of a dirty old strip club in a seedy side of Hollywood (not that it’s all the glitzy to begin with). Chumbawumba's "Tubthumping" fills the soundtrack.
INT. JJJ'S JIGGLY JOINT
TOBEY and CLARK sit sulking. A STRIPPER dances right before them on a stage, but the shot's set up in such a way we can only see her legs. They're not even looking at her.
TOBEY
Hey Clark, wanna hear something funny?
CLARK
Desperately.
TOBEY
I was going to be in American Pie.
CLARK
Really?
TOBEY
Yeah. They wanted me to play Paul Finch. Told me they wrote the part for me. You know, the vaguely cultured guy who ends up, well...
CLARK
Uh-huh.
TOBEY
Well anyway, they asked me, and I told them no. Told them that wasn't where I wanted my career to go.
CLARK
Well good for you right? You knew what you wanted and you stuck to it. You didn't sell out...
TOBEY
A week later I saw Empire Records on TV. I called my agent right then and there and told her I wanted the part. She called me back a half-hour later and told me they'd already given the role to Eddie Thomas. And I went off to do Ride with the Devil.
CLARK
Whoa...
TOBEY
Yep. For thirty minutes in my life, I was all set to play the guy who bangs Stiffler's Mom. And at the end of the day, I've got to remember that no matter what else happens, that's who I wanted to be.
They sit in silence for a time.
CLARK
Yeah, but what's any of that got to do with Empire Records?
TOBEY
What?
CLARK
You said seeing Empire Records on TV made you want to be in American Pie. Why?
TOBEY
Because I wasn't in it.
CLARK
Well you weren't in Zoolander either, and yet somehow you seem to muddle through.
TOBEY
Yeah, but I was supposed to be in Empire Records. I was on the set. They filmed me... but they cut me out.
CLARK
Really? Why?
TOBEY
I have no idea.
Beat.
CLARK
What's the point, Tobey?
TOBEY
That's what I'm asking you, man. What's the point? Here I sit, rich and famous, and it all seems like an accident half the time. There but for the grace of god go I. And for all my wealth and fame, I can't get some goddamn Moo Goo Gai Pan.
CLARK
If you're hungry, why don't you order something here? I think they've got Buffalo wings.
TOBEY
It's the principle of the thing. Today I had freaky sex with a Hollywood starlet and left the father of the modern comic book sitting in a restaurant with a cycloptic former IRA assassin. And yet, a little Chinese food -- a little something normal -- is too much to ask?
CLARK
Yeah, well I've got all the something normal I can stand in my life, and I got to tell you, from where I'm sitting, it don't seem like you got it that bad. Hell, I wish I could just get out and meet somebody.
TOBEY
What are you talking about? Take a look around, Clark. There's plenty of people to meet right here.
CLARK
Aw, you know what I mean.
TOBEY
Yeah, I know what you mean... you still think you're going to find happiness in someone else's heart.
CLARK
What's so wrong with that?
TOBEY
Everything.
Beat.
CLARK
Well yeah, sure. When you put it that way... but you're telling me you can't introduce me to someone?
TOBEY
I introduced you to Maggie!
CLARK
And of that, may we never speak again.
TOBEY
The thing with the prunes was pretty messed up.
They both sit and shudder for a moment, their assholes puckering.
EXT. JJJ's JIGGLY JOINT.
A car pulls into the parking lot.
INT. CAR
JON SESSIONS sits behind the wheel with JAKE GYLLENHAAL in the passenger seat.
JAKE
Are you sure they're in there?
JON
Positive.
JAKE
Okay, so what now?
JON
We wait for them to come out, and then we go on with the plan.
JAKE
They'll never know what hit 'em.
INT. JJJ's JIGGLY JOINT
Same two-and-a-half shot as before with TOBEY and CLARK and STRIPPER’s LEGS.
CLARK
(looking around now)
I guess you're right. There really are plenty of people to meet here. What is this place anyway?
TOBEY
This is where you go when you need to research the world of exotic dancing for a movie.
CLARK
Really?
TOBEY
Elizabeth Berkley worked here for a month before making Showgirls.
CLARK
Whoa. She actually studied up to turn out that crap?
TOBEY
Now you see why I've never bothered with the Spider-Man comics.
CLARK
I guess. Is anyone famous working here now?
TOBEY
Oh yeah.
CLARK
Really? Who? Where?
TOBEY shrugs, then looks up at the STRIPPER whose legs have been sashaying throughout their entire exchange.
TOBEY
Hey Katie, have I introduced you to my friend Clark?
CLARK
(looking up at the STRIPPER for the first time)
Holy crap! Katie Holmes? I'm a huge fan! I loved your work in Dawson's Creek.
KATIE
(her face still off screen)
Thanks.
CLARK
You know... before it got bad.
KATIE
(her face still off screen)
I blame the writing.
CLARK
So what are you doing this for?
KATIE
(her face still off screen)
I'm going to be in Strip Tease 2: The Search for Curly's Gold.
CLARK
Oh, good for you. I've always liked your film work. Pieces of April was really good.
TOBEY
*Ahem*
CLARK
(rolling his eyes)
Oh, and Wonder Boys and The Ice Storm were both rocking tour de forces.
KATIE’s gold sequence top flutters down from off camera and lands on CLARK’s face.
CLARK
(without missing a beat)
And The Gift was good too.
EXT. JJJ's JIGGLY JOINT.
TOBEY and CLARK make their way out of the building.
CLARK
I saw Teri Hatcher on the way out. Is she researching a role, too?
TOBEY
No. She just works here now.
INT. CAR
JON and JAKE take notice of TOBEY and CLARK's egress from the strip club.
JAKE
Look! It's them!
JON
All right, let's do this.
EXT. JJJ's JIGGLY JOINT's PARKING LOT
TOBEY stops suddenly. His eyes widen.
CLARK
(concerned)
Tobester? What is it?
TOBEY
Shh... My common sense is tingling.
Suddenly, the two of them are enveloped in the bright lights of the car's high beams as it roars to life. They shield their eyes, frightened.
*
COMMERCIAL BREAK
*
EXT. JJJ's JIGGLY JOINT
The car idles forward, gently, and we get our first good look at it. It's an old station wagon outfitted with a public address system. The type of car used for campaigning in old fashioned movies. JON drives around in a circle, grinning like an idiot while JAKE mans the mike.
JAKE
(over the PA)
Ladies and gentleman within earshot, I just want you all to know that Tobey Maguire and Lenar Clark are both big jerks. They smell bad and they eat worms. They are, in fact, doo-doo heads, and nobody should like them...
As JAKE continues his juvenile tirade, TOBEY and CLARK look on in mild disbelief.
TOBEY
(softly to CLARK)
You have no idea how much I wish I could say that this is the stupidest thing that's ever happened to me.
CLARK
Consider who you're talking to.
TOBEY
Point.
JAKE
Honk if you, too, were disappointed by the first Spider-Man flick. And didn't Seabiscuit seem overblown? And somebody tell Lenar Clark that his blog is boring and self-indulgent!
TOBEY
You know, he's kind of got a point.
CLARK
I was about to tell you the same thing.
TOBEY points over to a nearby truckload of bananas.
TOBEY
Hey, Clark... you thinking what I'm thinking?
CLARK
(face scrunched in concentration)
I think so...
Wavey-dream wipe to a clip from Beverly Hills Cop in which Axel Foley sticks a banana in a car's exhaust pipe to hilarious malfunction. If such a clip proves too expensive to obtain, might I suggest using the clip from Kevin Smith's Clerks: The Animated Series that parodies this scene? Regardless, once it's done, wavey-dream wipe back to the previous setting.
CLARK
(smiling)
All right, let's do it...
CLARK and TOBEY haul ass toward the banana truck.
INT. CAR
JON and JAKE continue circling the parking lot.
JAKE
...and Tobey's a vegetarian, as if that makes him really noble 'cause he cares about all forms of life or something. I ask you, which living thing is more defenseless, a cow or a carrot?
JON
(to JAKE)
Come on, man. It's my turn. Don't boggart the mic.
EXT. JJJ's JIGGLY JOINT PARKING LOT
Close up of the exhaust pipe of the car. Pull back to a wide shot of the car, as the banana truck smashes into it at forty miles and hour, knocking it into a wall.
INT. CAR
JON and JAKE are shaken up, but not to seriously injured. The PA is in ruins.
JON
(groaning in discomfort)
My duodenum!
JAKE
(moaning in pain)
Low blow, Pleasantville.
INT. BANANA TRUCK
TOBEY sits behind the wheel with a look of smug satisfaction bordering on the psychotic. CLARK just looks confused.
CLARK
That wasn't exactly what I had in mind...
TOBEY
Yeah, I definitely took it up a notch.
They hear sirens in the distance.
TOBEY
Let's skiddadle.
CLARK
You don't have to tell me twice.
They both hop out of the truck.
EXT. LOS ANGELES CITY STREET.
TOBEY and CLARK make their way down the sidewalk, approaching the Golden Dragon once more.
TOBEY
What a night.
CLARK
Tell me about it.
TOBEY
You wanna try the Golden Dragon again?
CLARK
I guess it's worth a shot.
EXT. GOLDEN DRAGON
STAN LEE's stepping out of the front door, when he spots TOBEY and CLARK approaching.
STAN
(shouting to them from a considerable distance)
Hey guys! You made it back! What kept you, pray tell?
EXT. LOS ANGELES CITY STREET
CLARK
(to his shocked and appalled companion)
You got to hand it to the man, nothing keeps him down.
TOBEY
(looking skyward in an appeal to God)
Heaven help us.
POLICE OFFICER
(off camera)
Help! A thief! Someone stop that guy!
TOBEY and CLARK turn to see a fat, older POLICE OFFICER chasing an armed BURGLAR with a bag of money in his hand.
CLARK
No good can possibly come out of this.
The BURGLAR runs right past them. The OFFICER stops when he reaches them, out of breath.
POLICE OFFICER
What's the matter with you two? All you had to do was trip him!
TOBEY
And all you had to do was fire a warning shot into his spine or something.
CLARK
Or maybe laid off the donuts. Aren't you guys supposed to stay in shape for this very type of thing?
POLICE OFFICER
Have you no sense of responsibility?
There's a GUN SHOT.
STAN (off camera)
ARGH!
EXT. GOLDEN DRAGON
STAN lies in a pool of blood right in front of the restaurant. A crowd has gathered around him.
INNOCENT BYSTANDER
Oh my God! He's been shot!
TOBEY and CLARK exchange panicked looks before taking off running in opposite directions.
THE END
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