How's this sound? We'll do this once a year.
How about every summer I'll take a few days off from everything and write and post another episode of Tobey & Clark? I mean, until the day comes when I have something far more important to write or a girlfriend to occupy my many hours of leisure time.
Does that sound agreeable to you?
I started writing this second episode a little under a year ago and started working on it again last week. While it's been eleven months since the pilot episode for us, it's only been several days for our eponymous duo, so a slight refresher might be in order:
I'm friends with Tobey Maguire. We run around like dickheads.
There's a lot I want to explain before you continue, but you know what? I'll just save it for the "Making of..." special with deleted scenes and the alternate ending...
Enjoy.
TOBEY & CLARK
Episode 1.02 – Batclan Forever
TEASER
INT. BATCAVE
A blindfolded CHRISTIAN BALE is dragged through the dusty floor of this dark and dreary place by two MEN IN CLOAKS. Every once in a while, a BAT will flutter by.
BALE
(panicked but still plenty stoic about it)
What’s the meaning of this? Who are you people? What do you want with me?
WEST
(off camera)
Come now, Mr. Bale. So many questions. I’d swear you were playing the Riddler…
One of the MEN IN CLOAKS removes the blindfold, and BALE looks up to see ADAM WEST in his old Batman costume standing on a platform before the massive screen of the film-franchise BATCOMPUTER.
BALE looks to his two captors, and we see clearly that it’s VAL KILMER and GEORGE CLOONEY in their BATMAN COSTUMES.
BALE
Oh my God, is this about the damn Batman movie? They told me you comic geeks were protective of your favorite character and all, but this is nuts!
WEST
We’re not geeks, Mr. Bale, but I assure you, we’re quite serious.
KILMER and CLOONEY both take out stainless steel BATARANGS, which snap open with menacing clicks, frightening BALE.
BALE
Okay, okay. Just don’t hurt me.
WEST
(chuckling)
Hurt you, Mr. Bale? I’m afraid you misunderstand our intentions completely. You’re not our enemy. If anything, you’re our champion.
BALE
(confused)
What are you talking about?
WEST
(turning to the BATCOMPUTER)
The first rule of portraying the Dark Knight Detective, Mr. Bale…
WEST pushes a button on the computer console, and a picture of TOBEY MAGUIRE in his Spider-Man costume pops up on the screen.
WEST
Know your enemy.
END TEASER.
*
OPENING CREDITS with Wilco’s “Theologians” as theme song:
theologians
they don't know nothing
about my soul
about my soul
i'm an ocean
an abyss in motion
slow motion
slow motion
inlitterati lumen fidei
god is with us everyday
that illiterate light
is with us every night
theologians
that don't know nothing
about my soul
oh they don't know
they thin my heart with little things
and my life with change
oh in so many ways
i find more missing every day
theologians
i'm going away
where you will look for me
where I'm going you cannot come
no one's ever gonna take my life from me
i lay it down
a ghost is born
a ghost is born
a ghost is born
i'm an ocean
i'm all emotion
i'm a cherry ghost
cherry ghost
hey i'm a cherry ghost
a cherry ghost
*
INT. TOBEY’S BEDROOM
Close up of TOBEY asleep in bed.
WOMAN
(off camera)
A boat is sinking off the harbor! You’ve got to do something!
SPIDER-MAN
(off camera)
Good thing this suit isn't dry-clean only.
Woken by the sound of his own voice, TOBEY’s eyes open.
CLARK
(off camera)
Don’t you assholes die on me!
TOBEY sits up in bed and sighs.
INT. TOBEY’S LIVING ROOM
CLARK is playing the Spider-Man 2 game on a big screen TV. CLARK looks like hell. He clearly hasn’t slept.
TOBEY enters the room.
TOBEY
(yawning)
Jesus. You’re still here?
CLARK
(concentrating on the game)
Did I wake you? Sorry. I’m going to go home in a second here. I gotta get up tomorrow for a job interview.
TOBEY
It’s noon.
CLARK
Really?
TOBEY
Uh, yeah. Have you been playing that game this whole time?
CLARK
(looking at TOBEY)
Wait. It’s really noon?
TOBEY
Yes. You’re telling me you’ve been here since eleven last night, and you didn’t notice the sun come up?
CLARK turns and looks toward the window.
CLARK
(genuinely shocked)
Holy [expletive deleted]!
TOBEY
What time’s your interview?
CLARK
(playing the video game again)
It was three hours ago.
There’s a knock on the door. TOBEY goes to answer it.
TOBEY
(to CLARK)
So you’re screwed?
CLARK
Pretty much.
TOBEY
That sounds about right.
CLARK
You know, I’m getting the distinct feeling it’s going to be one of those days.
TOBEY opens the door to see KATIE HOLMES propping up a beaten and bloodied CHRISTIAN BALE.
TOBEY
(to CLARK)
I’m starting to get that feeling, too.
INT. BATCAVE.
All four Batmen, ADAM WEST, MICHAEL KEATON, VAL KILMER, and GEORGE CLOONEY sit around a big oak table, all in their respective COSTUMES.
WEST
Dark Knights of the Round Table -- status report.
CLOONEY
Bale has left the cave. He’s probably notifying the enemy of our intentions as we speak.
WEST
(smiling)
As if it’ll do him any good. What about Operation: Long Johns?
KILMER
Our agents are in the field. They should be at the rendezvous site on time.
KEATON
Whoa… Operation: Long Johns? Nobody told me anything about that… And who are these agents? I thought we were keeping this strictly among us.
WEST
My dear Mr. Keaton, there are some campaigns in the Caped Crusade that, while necessary, are beneath us. And that’s when it becomes prudent to engage the services of certain… lesser men.
KEATON
I don’t understand…
KILMER
Of course you don’t, Michael. It’s a sidekick thing…
EXT. COLUMBIA PICTURES STUDIO
Establishing shot of the studio gate. A GUARD sits in the security booth, bored.
Suddenly, the BATMOBILE from Batman Begins blows by, smashing through the gate.
The GUARD, shocked to hell, grabs his WALKIE.
GUARD
(panicked)
Holy Granite! You guys ain’t gonna believe this. We’ve got an actual 714, and I think they’re headed for the costume department!
EXT. COLUMBIA COSTUME HANGER
A cadre of SECURITY GUARDS make their way toward the Costume Hanger, BILLY CLUBS in hand.
GUARD 2
What the hell’s a 714?
GUARD 3
Licensed Warner Brother’s property used in an assault strike on the studio.
GUARD 2
You've gotta be kidding me.
The BATMOBILE screeches to a halt before the Costume Hanger. CHRIS O’DONNELL and BURT WARD hop out of the car in their respective ROBIN COSTUMES.
The GUARDS attack them, but the two ROBINS fight them off easily.
CHRIS
I can’t believe we’re actually doing this.
BURT
You heard what they said they’d do to our families. We’ve got no choice. Trust me, don’t mess with West.
They proceed to the costume hanger door.
CHRIS
I guess you’re right. Get the C-4.
INT. COSTUME HANGER
The DOOR blows in with a low yield EXPLOSION. CHRIS and BURT rush in through the smoldering doorway.
BURT
There it is.
CHRIS
What the hell do you think they want with it?
BURT
I don’t know and I don’t want to. Come on. Let’s shag ass.
They charge forward.
INT. TOBEY’S APARTMENT
CLARK and KATIE sit on the COUCH. She’s playing the Spider-Man 2 game while he watches.
CLARK
(casually)
So did you ever really sleep with Dawson from the show?
KATIE
(focused on the game)
Yeah, a couple of times.
Beat.
CLARK
Well that was a lot less fascinating than I thought it’d be. When your head flashes like that, it’s your spider-sense. Push the y-button.
INT. TOBEY’S BATHROOM
TOBEY is tending to BALE’s wounds.
TOBEY
Jesus. What happened to you?
BALE
I was abducted by, I don’t know, psycho comic book fans or something. I didn’t know this Batman gig was gonna be such a crazy-magnet.
TOBEY
Well you know what they say about great power and all that...
BALE
You don’t understand, Tobey. There’s something out there. Something dark. Something that will not stop until it has its revenge...
TOBEY
Calm down, Chris. Have you talked to the cops yet?
BALE
No. When I got out of there, I called Katie and when she came to get me, we both realized your place was closer.
TOBEY
Well you gotta go to the cops.
BALE
I know. I know. I just... Me and Katie were supposed to put in an appearance at this comic convention today...
TOBEY rolls his eyes.
TOBEY
Oh my god. You guys are going to Wizard World West Coast?
BALE
You’ve heard of it?
TOBEY
Yeah. Even before me and Comic McGeeky out there started hanging out. I’ve been getting four invites a week to these comic things since I got cast in Spider-Man.
BALE
You ever go?
TOBEY
I went to the San Diego Con for each of the movies, but that’s it. I don’t need a pack of 26-year-old virgins flocking around me shouting “Go web, go!” I can’t believe you’re going.
BALE
I was... until this happened. The guys at Warner said that it’d be good press and everything. You know, show the true fans we appreciate them and everything. But apparently, they just want a pound of flesh.
TOBEY
Right. You’ll probably be busy giving your statement anyway...
BALE
Exactly. Here’s the thing, though... Katie still has to go and she really doesn’t want to go by herself... So I was thinking that maybe...
TOBEY
Oh no. No way!
BALE
Come on...
TOBEY
There’s no way I’m going to a comic book convention.
The door bangs open as CLARK enters the bathroom.
CLARK
Did someone say comic book convention?
INT. TOBEY’S LIVING ROOM
TOBEY walks out of the bathroom while CLARK follows him, pleading. KATIE stops playing the game to watch them.
CLARK
Please!
TOBEY
No, Clark.
CLARK
Please!
TOBEY
No, Clark.
CLARK
Please!
TOBEY
I said no!
They stop moving.
CLARK
Do you have any idea who goes to these things, Tobey Wan Kenobi?
TOBEY
Freaks and retards, and please, stop calling me that.
CLARK
Not freaks and retards! Well, I mean, yeah, freaks and retards, but comic book editors, too!
TOBEY
What’s your point?
CLARK
This is my chance to show them my samples and get noticed!
TOBEY
You’re not talking about the stick figures again, are you?
CLARK
Yeah! The stick figures!
TOBEY
Oh dear god in heaven. Clark, nobody’s ever going to print those. Ever.
CLARK
They don’t have to print them, they just have to see the promise contained within them and then I’ve got a gig!
TOBEY
Nobody’s ever going to do that either. But if you’re so gung-ho about it, why don’t you just go on your own?
CLARK
You’ve got a VIP ticket for Tobey Maguire and Guest! Do you know how much cache that carries? It’s like I’m Spider-Man’s sidekick.
TOBEY
Spider-Man doesn’t have a sidekick.
CLARK
Exactly!
KATIE
Oh, why don’t you just go, Tobey? It might be fun. Besides, it’s the type of experience you can draw from for some role down the line.
TOBEY
Why is it that every time somebody wants me to do something I don’t want to do, they tell me it’s going to help my acting?
CLARK
Who cares? Let’s just do it!
BALE comes out of the bathroom.
BALE
Maybe they’re right, Tobey. I’m starting to think I should still go. Can’t let these freaks think they’ve won, you know.
TOBEY sighs.
TOBEY
Look, don’t do that Chris. You stay here and call the cops. I... I’ll go in your place.
CLARK
All right! Comic book fame, here I come!
TOBEY
Who said you could come?
CUT TO:
EXT. TOBEY’S DRIVEWAY
TOBEY, CLARK, and KATIE are all getting into her CAR. CLARK is actually jumping up and down and singing. BALE watches them from the doorway.
CLARK
Comic conny here we come, doo-dah! Hoo-hah!
Comic conny here we come, oh my hoo-hah’s hard!
Oh comic cons are cool!
Oh my hoo-hah’s hard!
Comic conny here we come, oh my hoo-hah’s hard!
KATIE
(to TOBEY)
How long is he gonna keep this up?
TOBEY
Depends how long it takes us to encounter something with shiny vibrant colors.
They climb inside and the CAR pulls away. BALE goes back into the house.
INT. TOBEY’S LIVING ROOM
BALE takes out his CELL PHONE and calls a number.
BALE
(into PHONE)
It worked. He’s on his way.
*
COMMERCIAL BREAK
*
INT. MAIN CONVENTION HALL
TOBEY, CLARK and KATIE walk through the entrance. CLARK is still singing.
CLARK
Comic conny here we are, doo-dah! Hoo-hah!
Comic conny here we are -
TOBEY
Look, Clark. Comics.
CLARK stops singing and takes in the whole sweeping scene of the convention.
CLARK
(in awe)
Naaaaaaaaaarf…
The trio continues their journey into the heart of the convention, passing a COSTUME BOOTH where a COSTUME VENDOR calls out to passers-by while holding up WEB-SHOOTERS.
COSTUME VENDOR
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the newest sensation from Japan. Authentic, Spider-Man web-shooters. Fully functional. No silly string here, my friends. This device will produce a thin-strand of a super-tough, long-chain polymer that dissolves on its own in an hour and a half. Two thousand dollars a piece, but such a small price to live like a hero…
The PA system kicks in.
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen... but of course, mostly gentlemen, Wizard Entertainment thanks you for your attendance today at the Wizard World LA Comic Con. Before we proceed with today’s program, we would like to ask for a moment of silence in honor of Marvel Comics Chairman Emeritus and the godfather of the modern comic, Stan “The Man” Lee, who is in critical condition at Sacred Heart Hospital following an unprovoked attack from an armed assailant last week in North Hollywood.
TOBEY and CLARK exchange nervous glances.
Nearby, VAL KILMER leans out of the shadows, watching them. He speaks into a RADIO in his BAT-COWL.
KILMER
The spider’s in the parlor.
INT. BATCAVE
WEST stands before the BATCOMPUTER, watching a security camera view of TOBEY, CLARK, and KATIE moving through the convention center.
WEST
I have visual, Mr. Kilmer. Inform the boys they can drop in at any time. And tell them that I want the girl brought in unharmed.
CLOONEY walks up to WEST.
CLOONEY
I’m still not sure about this. Holmes is in the new movie! Isn’t she one of us?
WEST pushes a button on the BATCOMPUTER and pictures of KATIE and TOBEY together in The Ice Storm and Wonder Boys pop up on the screen.
WEST
Need I remind you, Mr. Clooney? She’s clearly been tainted by the arachnid…
INT. CONVENTION CENTER
CLARK stands with an ASSISTANT EDITOR at the MARVEL COMICS BOOTH.
The ASSISTANT EDITOR is leafing through a huge stack of pages of STICK-FIGURE COMICS.
ASSISTANT EDITOR
Well, this is certainly… interesting.
CLARK
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. It’s like if Will Eisner and Alan Moore had a black love child. Don’t worry. I get that a lot.
ASSISTANT EDITOR
That’s not exactly what I… Hey. Is that Neil Gaiman conducting the Hogswarts Express?
CLARK
You bet your ass it is.
TOBEY and KATIE stand nearby, watching them.
TOBEY
So how are things with Tom?
KATIE
Okay I guess. I don’t know. Sometimes I think that there might be someone else I’m supposed to be with. Someone closer to my own age.
KATIE takes TOBEY’s hand.
TOBEY
(surprised)
What do you --
Before he can finish his sentence, GLASS SHATTERS above him as BURT WARD and CHRIS O’DONNELL smash through the SKYLIGHT with BUNGEE CHORDS. O’DONNELL’s carrying a BOX wrapped with BATMAN WRAPPING PAPER.
They land in front of TOBEY and KATIE. WARD grabs KATIE while O’DONNELL thrusts the BOX in TOBEY’s hands, knocking him on his ass.
KATIE
Tobey?
O’DONNELL
I’m so sorry about this. We don’t have a choice.
TOBEY
What are you doing?
WARD
Just do what they want, hero. Maybe nobody will get hurt.
O’DONNELL throws a small, marble-sized SMOKE BOMB to the floor, filling the immediate area with a THICK CLOUD.
The CLOUD slowly dissipates around TOBEY. WARD, O’DONNELL, and KATIE are gone.
RANDOM CONVENTION ATTENDIES circle around TOBEY, applauding.
RCA 1
That… was… awesome!
RCA 2
Man, the publicity stunts get crazier every year at this thing!
CLARK runs up to TOBEY.
CLARK
What the hell happened? Where’s Miss Booty-licious?
TOBEY
(coughing)
No idea…
CLARK
What’s in the box?
TOBEY
Who knows? Probably a bomb or Alicia Silverstone’s head. We should probably let the police…
CLARK tears it open.
CLARK
Holy crap, Tobes. It’s your Spider-Man costume.
CLARK pulls out the SPIDER-MAN COSTUME.
TOBEY
That’s not my costume. It belongs to the studio. They’re very strict about that type of thing…
CLARK
Who were those guys?
RIDDLER
(off camera)
That was Burt Ward and Chris O’Donnell. They’ve been sent to call you out.
TOBEY and CLARK turn to see Jaleel White, inexplicable dressed as the RIDDLER emerging from what remains of the SMOKE.
CLARK & TOBEY
(in unison)
Hey Urkel.
The RIDDLER bends down and picks up the SMOKE BOMB, examining it.
RIDDLER
Gentlemen.
TOBEY
Why are you dressed like that? Are… are you part of this?
RIDDLER
No, Tobey, I’ve just always felt that green was my color. I’m here to help.
CLARK
You know what’s going on?
RIDDLER
I’m afraid so. In Hollywood’s golden era, a number of serial films were created featuring the two most popular comic book superheroes of the time…
CLARK
Batman and Superman.
RIDDLER
Give the boy a prize. What most people don’t know, however, is that there was a fierce competition between the respective casts and crews of the Superman and Batman films. They waged a secret war of terror and murder in the back alleys of Tinseltown throughout the 40’s and 50’s… A war the Batmen eventually won. Since that day, a single cabal has controlled the production of almost every comic book movie made, insuring that the Caped Crusader would remain the most popular superhero on screen. They call themselves the Dark Knights of the Round Table, but they’re most popularly known as the Batclan.
TOBEY
That’s crazy!
RIDDLER
Is it, Tobey? How long have you been in Hollywood? You may think you’re beyond the typical backstabbing and grandstanding of the rich and famous, but you’ve stumbled right into the heart of one of the oldest rivalries in the blood-soaked streets of the City of Angels.
TOBEY
Rivalry’s one thing, but theft and kidnapping?
RIDDLER
Please. What you’ve witnessed today is a mere trifle. The white guy from In Living Color plays the Riddler and suddenly he’s worth 20 million dollars a picture. Arnold Schwartzenegger goes from Mr. Freeze to the governor of California. The Batclan’s been behind it all.
TOBEY
One has nothing to do with the other!
The RIDDLER shakes his head in pity for TOBEY.
RIDDLER
You’re so naive. I suppose you actually believe George Reeves committed suicide, or that Chris Reeve was crippled by a simple accident on his horsey.
CLARK
Whoa… This is starting to make a lot of sense.
TOBEY
(to RIDDLER)
See? Clark believes you. That just proves how off-base you are.
RIDDLER
I understand your reluctance to believe it, but the evidence is everywhere.
The RIDDLER tosses the SMOKE BOMB to TOBEY, who catches it. He examines it, noticing a yellow BAT-SYMBOL embossed on the bottom.
RIDDLER
Now they’re targeting you, Spider-Man.
TOBEY
I’m not Spider-Man! And why now? It’s been three years since that first movie came out.
RIDDLER
They probably never saw you as a threat before. After all, who thought the guy from Cider House Rules could be an action star?
CLARK
He’s got a total point, Pleasantville.
RIDDLER
Now the Cabal of the Caped Crusade has realized just how much of a danger Spider-Man poses to Batman’s box office supremacy.
CLARK
Wait. What about the other comic book flicks? They haven’t messed with any of them...
RIDDLER
You don’t think so? The upcoming Superman movie’s had three different directors over the last ten years. The Hulk was inexplicably given to an artsy-fartsy director to mangle, just as Fantastic Four was handed over to the genius who gave us Taxi. Daredevil. Affleck. ‘nuff said. The only reason the X-Men franchise has escaped the wrath of the Batclan is by sacrificing Halle Berry to the ravages of Catwoman.
CLARK
Jesus. They’ve got to be stopped!
RIDDLER
Indeed.
TOBEY
What do you expect me to do about all of this exactly?
RIDDLER
The Batclan’s gotten sloppy. Where once they dealt with their enemies swiftly and brutally in secret and shadow, now they’re bungling through public displays of wanton violence and terrorism. They gave you that costume for a reason. They want you to put it on and fight. Do it. Draw them out of their cave. We’ll expose them to the world. Everybody knows that bats can’t stand the harsh light of day.
TOBEY
Put on that costume? Are you out of your mind?!
CLARK
Tobey, they’ve got Katie.
TOBEY
So what? She’s crazy! All those years on Dawson’s Creek have made her flaky and unbearably angsty.
CLARK slaps TOBEY across the face.
CLARK
Don’t you ever say an unkind word about the mother-[expletive deleted] Creek!
TOBEY rubs his face as he walks away.
TOBEY
Yeah, well you know what, Clark? I didn’t even want to come to this stupid thing... I just knew it’d be a bunch of people who’d look at me and see a guy who isn’t real. So, I’m done. I am Peter Parker no more.
CLARK
Wait, Tobey! I’m sorry!
TOBEY
No more...
TOBEY exits.
CLARK looks down at the BOX with the COSTUME.
CLARK
Jaleel, I think I’ve just been handed a great deal of responsibility here...
INT. BATCAVE
KATIE is hanging from chains bolted into the ceiling, her toes six-inches above the floor. WEST, KEATON, CLOONEY, and KILMER watch her struggle.
KILMER
Oh so pretty and so helpless.
KATIE
(grunting)
I’m gonna tell you what I told Anthony Edwards. I am not some pass around for the cast of Top Gun. Let me go!
WEST
I’m afraid we can’t do that. Not just yet, girl wonder. I’m quite determined to do this properly and you’re an essential piece of the puzzle. What superhero showdown is complete without the damsel in distress?
WEST turns to the rest of the Batclan.
WEST
Gentlemen, I do believe it’s time for Spider-Man to come out and play...
KEATON
I thought Bale was going to come back for this. Where the hell is he?
CLOONEY
Let’s try his cell phone again.
CUT TO:
INT. TOBEY’S LIVING ROOM
CHRISTIAN BALE, wearing his BATMAN COSTUME, sits on TOBEY’s couch playing Spider-Man 2 and singing softly to himself.
BALE
Even though we ain't got hats or badges
We're a union just by saying so
And the world will know!
His cell-phone RINGS. The Batman theme song is his ringtone. BALE keeps playing the game.
BALE
(cont'd)
What's it gonna take to stop the wagons?
Are we ready?
CUT BACK TO:
INT. BATCAVE
CLOONEY hangs up the BAT-PHONE.
CLOONEY
No answer.
WEST shakes his head in shame.
WEST
Forget Mr. Bale. He’s served his purpose. He’s brought us the bug. The game is afoot gentlemen. Go forth. Bring him to me, no matter where he may try and hide.
KEATON, KILMER, and CLOONEY make their exit.
INT. CONVENTION CENTER BATHROOM
Two COMIC GEEKS are washing their hands and talking.
GEEK 1
So you’re not going to the Bendis panel?
GEEK 2
No way, dude. Bendis is totally played out.
GEEK 1
Oh! That’s it! You know, it’s become so fashionable to knock Brian Michael Bendis, but the man puts his five or six books out every month and it’s quality stuff!
One of the STALL DOORS swings open and CLARK steps out. He’s changed into the SPIDER-MAN COSTUME and is just pulling the MASK over his face.
He walks up to the two GEEKS and turns, revealing the open back of the costume.
CLARK
Hey, one of you guys wanna zip me up? Come on. Your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man could use a hand here.
*
COMMERCIAL BREAK
*
INT. CONVENTION CENTER
CLARK (as Spider-Man) argues with the COSTUME VENDOR at his booth.
CLARK
Look, I don’t think you understand. I need those web-shooters!
COSTUME VENDOR
I understand perfectly, sir. What you don’t understand, however, is how a market based economy works: Money is exchanged for goods and services. Without the money you get no goods.
CLARK
Look. Just let me borrow them, okay? I’ll bring ‘em back. It’ll be great publicity. I’m sure you’ll sell tons.
COSTUME VENDOR
Buddy, these things sell themselves.
CLARK
Yeah well...
A group of GEEKS run past CLARK and the COSTUME VENDOR, shouting.
GEEK 1
Whoa. Get a look at those Batman costumes!
GEEK 2
Those guys are a shoe-in for the costume contest for sure!
CLARK
Uh-oh. My common sense is tingling...
GEEKS swarm around KEATON, KILMER, and CLOONEY who’ve just arrived.
KEATON
We’re too conspicuous as a group.
KILMER
We’ve got to split up and fan out.
CLOONEY
Agreed. If you find Maguire send up a Bat-flare. We’ll take him together.
The three of them head off in opposite directions, pushing through the CROWDS.
CLARK watches them nervously. He looks up toward the ceiling.
CLARK
(to the COSTUME VENDOR)
Know where a guy could get some rope around here?
INT. CONVENTION HALL – CONCESSION STAND
TOBEY walks up to the CONCESSION GIRL.
TOBEY
You guys got any vegetarian dishes?
CONCESSION GIRL
We have hotdogs.
TOBEY
Not really the same thing.
CONCESSION GIRL
Hey, aren’t you Peter Parker?
TOBEY
Not anymore.
INT. CONVENTION HALL -- RAFTERS
CLARK climbs precariously along the rafters at the ceiling of the convention center, tying a ROPE to a support beam.
He looks down at the crowd below and spots KEATON walking along an aisle.
CLARK stands up on the rafter, wrapping the ROPE around his wrist a few times.
CLARK
Okay, Clarky. This is just like that time in the eighth grade. But if you could manage not to break both your legs this time, that’d be best for all involved...
He tugs the ROPE experimentally once, twice... three times... four times.
His jaw is working. He takes a long hard look at KEATON and then steps off of the support beam.
CLARK swings down right toward the pathetically unaware KEATON, screaming the whole time.
CLARK
Tally ho, Beetlejuice!
At the sound, KEATON turns just in time to see CLARK plow into him.
CLARK gets an arm around KEATON’s waist and the two of them make a long upward swing into the rafters, in a pose identical to the cover of Amazing Fantasy #15, the introduction of Spider-Man.
Eventually, they settle on a SUPPORT BEAM.
KEATON
What the hell?
CLARK punches him in the face, hard, knocking him out.
CLARK
Shut it.
With KEATON unconscious, CLARK sets to removing his UTILITY BELT.
INT. CONVENTION HALL – CAFETERIA
TOBEY sits alone, eating a slice of CHEESE PIZZA. He looks depressed.
CLOONEY walks by but doesn’t notice TOBEY any more than TOBEY notices him. He’s talking into his COWL RADIO.
CLOONEY
Keaton? Michael, come in. Val, I think we’ve lost him.
KILMER
(over radio)
What? That’s impossible. Maybe his radio’s just down.
CLARK
(over radio)
It’s working perfectly.
INT. CONVENTION MAIN HALL – RAFTERS
CLARK’s crouching next to KEATON, whom he’s tied to a support beam using KEATON’s own BAT-ROPE. He’s talking into KEATON’s pilfered RADIO while he rummages through the UTILITY BELT.
CLARK
Gotta admit. You guys came fully equipped. I’m especially impressed with the bat-rope you brought. It’s got your boy wrapped up nice and tight.
CLARK pulls the BAT-GRAPPLING GUN out of the UTILITY BELT.
CLARK
But you know what I’m just dying to try out?
INT. MAIN CONVENTION HALL -- DC BOOTH
KILMER paces around the DC COMICS BOOTH, speaking menacingly into his RADIO.
KILMER
Listen you little freak. You might have gotten lucky with Keaton, but if you think you’re gonna get the best of the Ice Man, you’re sadly mistaken.
Suddenly, a BAT-GRAPPLE drops down from above, wraps around KILMER, and yanks him straight up.
KILMER
Ack! No!
INT. CONVENTION HALL -- CONCESSIONS
CLOONEY looks around frantically while KILMER screams over the RADIO.
KILMER
(over radio)
No! Gah! George! He’s up in the rafters! He’s --
There’s the sound of PUNCHING over the channel.
CLOONEY looks up to see CLARK tying an unconscious KILMER to a SUPPORT BEAM.
CLOONEY pulls a BATARANG out of his UTILITY BELT.
INT. CONVENTION HALL -- RAFTERS
CLARK finishes tying up KILMER.
CLARK
Jesus. I just beat up The Saint. That’s gotta be a one-way ticket to hell for an old altar boy.
A BATARANG smacks CLARK in the face out of nowhere, knocking him off of the SUPPORT BEAM.
CLARK screams all the way down.
CLARK
Crap in a hat!!!
CLARK smashes into a COMIC BOOK BOOTH, his fall broken by several BOXES OF COMICS.
CLARK rolls around in pain.
CLARK
(moaning)
I’m still alive because of comic books. My life hasn’t changed one iota.
CLARK stumbles to his feet.
CLARK
That’s it. Danny Ocean’s going down.
Another BATARANG smacks CLARK in the face just as abruptly as the first.
CLARK tries to rub the stars out of his eyes.
CLARK
Mother of pearl, those things sting like a bitch!
CLOONEY leaps into the scene, tackling CLARK to the ground.
CLOONEY
You’re a lot more tenacious than our intelligence led us to believe, Tobey. I can call you Tobey, right?
CLARK knees CLOONEY in the groin.
CLARK
I prefer Grandmaster of Funk, actually.
CLARK pushes CLOONEY off of him and stumbles to his feet and makes his way over to the SHATTERED REMAINS of the table he crash landed on.
CLOONEY pulls another BATARANG out of his UTILITY BELT and throws it at CLARK.
CLARK spins around with a BROKEN TABLE BOARD, blocking the BATARANG, which thuds into it.
CLOONEY
Well that didn’t work.
CLARK takes several steps toward him, raising the BOARD over his head.
CLARK
Sure didn’t.
CLARK cracks the BOARD over CLOONEY’s head, dazing him horribly.
CLARK tosses his half of the BOARD to the side, and hauls CLOONEY up by his bat-lapels, glaring into his face.
CLARK
I just got one question for you, and I better like the answer…
CLOONEY
(panicking)
Holmes is tied up in the Batcave. It’s right under this building. There’s a hidden doorway near the woman’s restroom. Adam West is down there waiting for you. He’s a madman.
CLARK shakes CLOONEY bodily.
CLARK
Nice, but not what I wanted to know.
He pulls CLOONEY even closer, their faces inches apart.
CLOONEY
What? What?!
CLARK
(softening)
Is Julianna Margolies a good kisser?
INT. CONVENTION HALL -- DC BOOTH
TOBEY paces around, speaking into his CELL PHONE. In the background, NOAH BROWN is conversing with JOE KELLY but we can’t hear what they’re saying.
TOBEY
Sam, I don’t want to do another movie. I’m done. Call Gyllenhaal or something.
(pause)
He doesn’t suck that much. Well what about Adam Brody?
(pause)
Really? You don’t see it?
(pause)
Why? Because I just don’t want to do it anymore…
Two guys, one dressed as DARTH VADER and the other as BOBA FETT bump into TOBEY as they pass by.
BOBA FETT
Watch it, dopey.
TOBEY watches them leave.
TOBEY
(into the PHONE)
And I get the feeling the fans just don’t like me anymore.
INT. BATCAVE
KATIE watches WEST working at the BATCOMPUTER.
KATIE
Been a while hasn’t it? You sure your friends are okay?
WEST
I can’t honestly say I’m all that concerned.
CLARK stands at the entrance of the BATCAVE.
CLARK
You oughta be.
WEST turns from the BATCOMPUTER to look up at him.
WEST
Ah. Mr. Maguire. Thank you for joining us. I take it you’ve dispatched with my compatriots.
CLARK
Damn skippy, old man, and if you think I’m gonna go easy on you just because you’re geriatric, you got another think coming.
WEST takes several steps toward CLARK.
WEST
Is that so?
CLOSE-UP on KATIE while she watches in horror. We only hear the sound of a VIOLENT STRUGGLE and CLARK crying in pain.
CLARK goes flying across the cave and lands in a heap at KATIE’s feet.
CLARK
(groaning)
Damn.
WEST flexes his knuckles.
WEST
I do declare. Youth is ever wasted on the young.
*
COMMERCIAL BREAK
*
INT. MAIN CONVENTION HALL
TOBEY strolls casually down an aisle, rows of comic book boxes and various COMIC BOOK VENDERS selling their wares are on either side of him. One of the venders is MONTY, a woman in her 60’s who keeps a sly eye on TOBEY.
TOBEY
Well let’s see. Clark’s been out of my sight for about half an hour now, so it’s safe to say he’s either hitting on the hotdog girl or has gotten himself in serious trouble.
A little seven-year-old girl, CHELSEY, runs up to him excitedly.
CHELSEY
Oh wow oh wow! Spidey-Man! Spider-Man!
TOBEY sighs.
TOBEY
Look, I’m not Spider-Man. I’m just a guy.
CHELSEY looks up at him. Her eyes begin to tear, but then she breaks out in a huge grin.
CHESLEY
Oh. I gots it. You have to protect your secret indemnity. Well don’t worry Spidey-Man. I won’t tell your secret. Never ever.
She hugs him around his legs.
CHELSEY
I love you.
TOBEY seems oddly touched by this. He hugs her back. Then, just as suddenly as she ran up to him, she runs off.
CHELSEY
(moving off-camera)
Oh wow oh wow! Chewbacon! Chewbacca!
TOBEY stares after her, a bemused smile on his face.
He turns when MONTY, who’s been watching the whole scene, suddenly speaks to him.
MONTY
That’s how they all feel, you know.
TOBEY
Who?
MONTY
Everybody here. Your fans. The people who love Spider-Man.
TOBEY frowns.
TOBEY
I’m not Spider-Man.
MONTY
Oh, I know that, and you know that, it’s a very good thing that you know that, don’t get me wrong. But them? They just don’t see that. Not yet. They’re not ready for that just yet… This is a hard, old world we’re living in. A hard, old world filled with unspeakable things that can swoop down on your head at any moment with no concern for whether you’re a seven-year-old girl or a big Hollywood star or an old woman who’s been in the book business longer than she ever expected. And there aren’t any superheroes who are going to swing down and save us.
TOBEY
Yeah, but there are still heroes out there. Real heroes who’ve actually decided to do something with their lives. I’m not going to take the praise that belongs to them.
MONTY smiles at that.
MONTY
Well that’s very thoughtful of you, but you’ve got to know it’s completely unnecessary. Those real heroes you respect so much? They don’t do it for the praise or glory. They do it because they know it’s right.
TOBEY
I guess...
MONTY
And you know how they know that what they’re doing is right? They feel it in their hearts, because what’s right has been written there by parents who loved them, or the lessons they learned in school...
She pulls some COMICS out of her boxes.
MONTY
... and maybe, just maybe, from reading about righteous do-gooders in these funny books.
She looks at him.
MONTY
...or seeing them up on the big screen when they were young... like that little girl who just ran up to you. One day she’s going to realize that you’re not the hero she thinks you are and she’s going to wonder where the heroes are and maybe she’ll decide to be the type of person who makes heroes real by becoming one. And you’ll be one of her inspirations. What’s so wrong with that?
TOBEY
Nothing. Nothing at all.
MONTY
You interested in buying anything? I’ve got a used copy of Kraven’s Last Hunt for half off.
TOBEY starts to walk away.
TOBEY
No thanks. I have something I have to do.
MONTY smiles.
MONTY
Okay, dear. Good luck.
TOBEY comes upon a FAT GUY in a homemade Spider-Man costume who’s thumbing through some comic book BACK ISSUES and speaking with the VENDOR.
FAT GUY
Oh look. Daredevil: Bullseye. Hey, did the second issue ever come out?
VENDOR
‘course not. The writer’s a total hackjob.
TOBEY taps the FAT GUY on the shoulder.
TOBEY
Excuse me. I need to ask you an unusual favor...
The FAT GUY whirls around to face him, and is shocked to see that it’s TOBEY MAGUIRE.
FAT GUY
Holy crap! Long time no see, man!
TOBEY
Do I know you?
FAT GUY pulls off his mask to reveal that he’s actually KEVIN SMITH.
INSERT: Freeze-frame of this revelation scene with a pop-up graphic that reads “Look kids! It’s Kevin Smith!”
KEVIN SMITH
Tobey! What are you doing here? Your agent never got back to us...
TOBEY
My agent?
KEVIN SMITH
You know, about whether you wanted the part...
A look of comprehension crosses TOBEY’s face.
TOBEY
Oh right. Mallrats 2: Die Hard in a Mall. Let me think about that, Kevin...
KEVIN SMITH
You’d play Brodie’s little brother Bradford. Kind of a cross between Holden Caufield and Booster Gold. I’m telling you man, it’s going to be better than Jersey Girl.
TOBEY
I’m really going to have to take a look at my schedule.
KEVIN SMITH
Whoa. Are you actually working on something now?
TOBEY
No. So what’s with the costume? Is it so fans don’t bother you?
KEVIN SMITH
Not really. Spandex just makes me feel sexy.
TOBEY
I’m hip.
INT. BATCAVE
CLARK -- still in the SPIDER-MAN costume -- is hanging from chains right next to KATIE. WEST circles around him with a CATTLE PROD in hand.
WEST
I must say, I’m rather disappointed, Mr. Maguire. I’d been told you were a do-your-own-stunter. Your fighting skills are pathetic.
CLARK
This from a guy who made a career out of stage punching Cesar Romero.
WEST touches the CATTLE PROD to CLARK’s chest, and he screams out in pain.
WEST
You clearly don’t understand the gravity of your situation, Spider-Man.
CLARK
(grunting)
Oh do go on. I could really use a lecture on perspective from someone who so clearly has a grasp of reality.
WEST
Oh, you will learn a lesson, Mr. Maguire, and rest assured, I will be your teacher.
CLARK
Oh god. Here comes the kinky sex stuff...
WEST turns from him and makes his way toward the BATCOMPUTER.
WEST
Did you know that bats and spiders are natural enemies, Mr. Maguire?
CLARK
Must have missed that particular Animal Planet. A friend of mine TiVoed the one with the lygers, though. Creepy stuff...
WEST ignores this and continues.
WEST
Seventy-percent of all bats sustain themselves on insects, while spiders are constantly feeding on that same food supply.
CLARK
Jesus Christ. What’s the point?
WEST
The Batman franchise will no longer stand for your sucking on the marrow of its fan-base, Spider-Man!
WEST begins working at the BATCOMPUTER.
KATIE
What are you doing?
WEST
This computer is connected directly to the PA system in the convention hall above us. I’m currently programming it to emit a hypersonic frequency that will attract every bat within a 100 mile radius. Once they arrive en masse, they’ll proceed to attack anybody with Spider-Man merchandise, sending an unmistakable message to the superhero fans of America on just who is the greatest costumed vigilante of all time.
CLARK
West, you’re out of your goddamn gourd!
WEST starts giggling.
WEST
You know. You might just be right.
He pushes a button on the BATCOMPUTER.
INT. CONVENTION MAIN HALL
All of the speakers switch on, emitting a high pitch that begins to fade. RANDOM CONVENTION GOERS are all baffled by this.
RCG 1
What’s going on?
RCG 2
What’s that sound?
RCG 3
I think it’s feedback…
RCG IN SUPERMAN COSTUME
Shush. Somebody’s trying to speak to me on a frequency only I can hear.
RCG IN SPIDER-MAN T-SHIRT 1
Whoa. My spider-sense is tingling.
RCG IN SPIDER-MAN T-SHIRT 2
Yeah. Yeah mine, too.
INT. BATCAVE
WEST strolls from the computer back to the suspended CLARK.
WEST
Now then... Time to see that pretty boy face of yours. I want to look into your eyes as your precious franchise dies.
CLARK
Wait...
WEST pulls the MASK off CLARK’s head.
KATIE
Clark?
WEST
(confused)
No. No, this is all wrong. You’re black! You’re not Spider-Man!
TOBEY
(off-camera)
No. He’s not.
At the sound of TOBEY’s voice, WEST, CLARK and KATIE turn to see him standing at the entrance to the cave, wearing Kevin Smith’s loose and baggy SPIDER-MAN COSTUME.
TOBEY
I am.
*
COMMERCIAL BREAK
*
EXT. HOLLYWOOD SIGN
Establishing shot of that famous landmark.
A SHADOW settles over it.
There’s the FLUTTERING of tiny wings. The SQUEAKS and SHRIEKS of echolocation.
Here come the BATS.
INT. BATCAVE
WEST glares at TOBEY while CLARK and KATIE struggle with their restraints.
CLARK
Tobe-a-lobe? Is that you?
TOBEY
Don’t call me that, but yeah. It’s me.
KATIE
Get to the computer! He’s using it to attract a swarm of bats!
TOBEY charges toward the BATCOMPUTER.
TOBEY
Is that a problem?
KATIE
Apparantly!
WEST pulls a BATARANG from his utility belt and throws it at TOBEY.
WEST
I don’t know who you are, but your outfit really needs to be taken in and you won’t stop me.
TOBEY sees -- or does he sense? -- the BATARANG coming at him.
He pivots, points at it, and a THIN OF WEB shoots from his wrist and hits the BATARANG.
TOBEY swings it around his head, and flings it back at WEST.
WEST ducks, shocked, and the BATARANG smashes through the CHAINS suspending CLARK and KATIE, who fall to the ground.
WEST
Impressive!
CLARK
Yeah. Seriously. How the hell did you do that?
INT. CONVENTION HALL
That comic book VENDOR from the previous scene with Kevin Smith is talking to the COSTUME VENDOR, who’s counting a THICK WAD OF MONEY.
VENDOR
You actually sold those web-shooters? How much were they?
COSTUME VENDOR
Two thousand bucks a piece. Guy paid cash, too.
VENDOR
Who walks around with that much money on him?
COSTUME VENDOR
Oh, you know these Hollywood types...
INT. BATCAVE
WEST rises to his feet and stalks toward TOBEY with the CATTLE PROD in his hands.
TOBEY
Why are you doing this?
WEST
The legion of fans must be cleansed of the pestilence from the bug…
TOBEY
Just once I’d like to meet an old Hollywood legend who wasn’t absolutely positively freaky-deeky nuts.
WEST takes a crouching tiger stance.
WEST
I assure you, young man, I’m the last old Hollywood legend you’re ever going to meet.
TOBEY assumes the hidden dragon position.
TOBEY
Spin the wheel, raggedy man.
They proceed to engage each other in vicious hand to hand combat as only Yuen Wo Ping can choreograph it. WEST gains a quick advantage but TOBEY holds his own.
TOBEY
(grunting to CLARK and KATIE)
You two get out of here! You’ve got to evacuate the building!
CLARK makes his way to the BATCOMPUTER as KATIE makes her way to the exit.
KATIE
Clark! Come on!
CLARK
Go on without me! I’m gonna try to shut the system down!
TOBEY
(still fighting WEST)
Yeah, that oughta be a piece of cake for an English grad with no computer skills...
CLARK
Just go, Homey. We’ll be right behind you.
KATIE exits.
TOBEY and WEST continue to fight while CLARK works at the BATCOMPUTER console.
WEST delivers a brutal roundhouse kick to TOBEY’s face, sending him flying across the BATCAVE.
WEST pulls the CATTLE PROD out of his UTILITY BELT and moves toward TOBEY menacingly.
WEST
Misery misery misery. That’s what you’ve chosen for yourself…
TOBEY
(moaning)
Why is this so familiar?
WEST
The age of the Spider-Man is over. The legend of the Dark Knight will be everlasting. The bat-cattle prod will see to that.
TOBEY
Bat-cattle prod? You’re [expletive deleted]ing me right?
WEST doesn’t say anything. He just thrusts the PROD straight for TOBEY’s face.
TOBEY, of course, catches the PROD by the prongs. He rises, and he and WEST begin wrestling for control of the PROD.
WEST
(groaning)
Who are you?
TOBEY
I’m just a guy.
(shouting to CLARK)
How we doing with that computer, Clarky?!
SPARKS explode out of the BATCOMPUTER.
CLARK
Oh, it’s great. I’ve almost got it.
INT. CONVENTION HALL
KATIE runs out of the SECRET DOORWAY near the LADIES’ ROOM and into the CONVENTION HALL, screaming.
KATIE
Everybody out! There’s a swarm of vicious bats on the way!
A nearby MARVEL FAN in a Silver Surfer shirt scoffs.
MARVEL FAN
Here it comes. Chick’s in a Batman movie and all of a sudden she can tell us what to do. Typical DC bitch.
KATIE
Excuse me?
A DC FAN in a Green Lantern shirt rushes up and shoves the MARVEL FAN.
DC FAN
Watch your mouth, Marvel Boy. That woman’s practically a DC comic book character, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna listen to some X-Men loving freak talk bad about her! Titans, go!
Various FANS in assorted DC Comics apparel rally behind the DC FAN.
MARVEL FAN
You think you’re the only ones who are organized? Think again. Avengers Assemble!
Various FANS in assorted Marvel Comics apparel rally behind the MARVEL FAN.
DC FAN
Always knew it’d come down to this one day…
MARVEL FAN
DC versus Marvel. It’s time to decide once and for all...
KATIE
What the hell is going on?
A SMALLER PRESS FAN in a Hellboy shirt storms into the proceedings.
SMALLER PRESS FAN
That’s what I’d like to know! You DC and Marvel guys… You think it’s all about the two company system. Well you guys are both just sellouts to the comics as big business mentality! You sicken me!
Various FANS in assorted Image, Dark Horse, Top Cow and independent comic book apparel rally behind the SMALLER PRESS FAN.
SMALL PRESS FAN
That type of bullshit ends here and now. What about Image?
SMALL PRESS LEGION
(in unison)
Yeah!
SMALL PRESS FAN
Or Dark Horse!
SMALL PRESS LEGION
(in unison)
Neigh!
SMALL PRESS FAN
Or Top Cow!
SMALL PRESS LEGION
(in unison)
Moo!
MARVEL FAN
You losers want a piece of the ass-whumpin’ we’re about to hand these Brand Ecch-men, that’s fine with us!
DC FAN
I came here to kick ass and buy comic books, and I’m all out of money, Marvel-boy.
A fight’s about to break out when a UNIFICATOR bursts into the scene.
UNIFICATOR
What’s wrong with you people? Would you look at yourselves? Marvel, DC, Top Cow… None of that matters. We’re all just fans of comic books! And I for one am sick of you guys trying to divide us up, and I’m pretty sure there are plenty of other people here today who’re ready to stomp some unity into your asses!
Various FANS with no discernible apparel affilitations rally behind the UNIFICATOR.
MARVEL FAN
No quarter asked for Marvel Zombies!
DC FAN
We’re fighting this one in memory of the Planet Krypton!
SMALL PRESS FAN
Hellboy rules!
UNIFICATOR
Cry havoc and let loose the dogs of war!
The convention hall erupts in COMIC GEEK WAR.
KATIE watches on in shock and confusion.
KATIE
I’ve never seen so many guys who needed to get laid in all my life.
INT. BATCAVE
TOBEY and WEST continue to struggle with the CATTLE-PROD.
WEST
You’re certainly a capable young man… Have you ever thought about a domino mask?
TOBEY
Really not following you.
WEST
Join me. Become my new apprentice. Imagine what we could accomplish together, Boy Wonder...
TOBEY
Oh save it for your letter to Penthouse...
With that, TOBEY wins the struggle, and presses the prod to WEST’s chest.
There’s an improbably large ELECTRICAL DISCHARGE, which sends them both flying toward opposite sides of their arena.
WEST smashes into a stalagmite and crumples to the floor.
TOBEY lands gracefully, like a cat.
There’s another SHOWER OF SPARKS from the BATCOMPUTER.
CLARK
Whoopsie-daisy.
TOBEY
Whoopsie-daisy? Can you shut that down or not?
CLARK
I’m beginning to suspect this is a Mac...
WEST
(groaning)
What’s happening? What have I done?
TOBEY rushes over to WEST, pulling the Spider-Man MASK off.
TOBEY
Mr. West?
WEST looks up at TOBEY and a goofy grin spreads across his face.
WEST
(dreamily)
Tobey Maguire... I loved you in Pleasantville.
TOBEY
And your work as Batman was an inspiration to me, sir.
WEST
Really?
TOBEY
Sure. Why not? But now it’s time to let it go. We have to stop those bats!
WEST
What? I can’t...
He pulls out another BATARANG.
WEST
I won’t.
TOBEY
You’ve got to, Mr. West.
WEST
But what about my glory?
TOBEY
Real heroes don’t do what they do for praise or glory. They do it because this is a cruel old world with unspeakable things and its up to each and every one of us to stand up against them.
WEST
You’re right...
He drops the BATARANG.
WEST
You’re right.
TOBEY
How do we shut down the system?
WEST looks over toward CLARK, who's still at it over at the BATCOMPUTER.
WEST
You can’t do it with the computer. There’s no kill program.
TOBEY
Then what do we do?
WEST
I don’t know...
TOBEY
Think!
WEST
The power breaker. It’s on the roof. If you short it out that should stop the broadcast.
TOBEY
Fine.
TOBEY fires a WEB-LINE to the top of the cave and begins to climb up.
WEST grabs him by the leg and pulls him down.
WEST
No.
TOBEY
What?
WEST
I’ll go. I’ve studied the building’s schematics. I know what to do.
WEST pulls a BAT-GRAPPLING GUN out of his belt, fires a line up, and reels himself upward.
WEST
You have a bright future ahead of yourself, Mr. Maguire.
TOBEY watches WEST recede into the deep shadows of the upper cave.
TOBEY
It’s been an honor, sir.
CLARK
Oh Jesus. Why don’t the two of you just kiss already?
TOBEY turns to see CLARK still working at the BATCOMPUTER.
TOBEY
What are you doing over there? He said the computer can’t stop the system.
CLARK
Yeah but I found Minesweeper on this thing. I love this game.
TOBEY
Clark, we’ve got to get out of here!
CLARK
In a second... I almost got it.
CLARK clicks the MOUSE and "steps on a mine". The words "GAME OVER" pop up on the SCREEN, and there’s an actual EXPLOSION from the back of the BATCOMPUTER.
CLARK falls back onto the floor. The BATCOMPUTER tips forward, threatening to crush him.
TOBEY looks on in horror, screaming.
TOBEY
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
CLARK looks up as the BATCOMPUTER bears down on him.
CLARK
This is gonna hurt.
CLARK shields his eyes.
Suddenly, the BATCOMPUTER stops falling. CLARK looks up to see that TOBEY appears to be holding it up in a phenomenal display of strength.
INT. CONVENTION MAIN FLOOR
The comic geek war continues.
KATIE pushes her way through the mayhem toward a TABLE.
KATIE
(muttering)
Oh for petesake...
She climbs up on the TABLE.
KATIE
(shouting)
Free handjobs in the parking lot! Follow me!
Everybody stops fighting, watching KATIE while she makes her way toward the exit.
The SEA OF HUMANITY follows swiftly behind her.
INT. BATCAVE
CLARK stares up at TOBEY while he struggles to hold the BATCOMPUTER up.
TOBEY
Clark... If we make it out of here...
CLARK
You want this suit dry-cleaned?
TOBEY
Thoroughly.
INT. CONVENTION MAIN HALL
WEST comes out of the SECRET DOORWAY into the empty CONVENTION HALL. He pulls out his BAT-GRAPPLING GUN and fires a line to the skylight.
He reels himself up, passing KEATON, CLOONEY, and KILMER who are all still tied to support beams, chatting casually.
KILMER
...who was in Gung Ho with John Turturro, who was in Oh Brother Where Art Thou with Tim Blake Nelson who was in Wonderland with John Lucas who was in American Psycho with Reese Witherspoon who was in Pleasantville with William H Macy who was in Murder in the First with Kevin Bacon.
KEATON and CLOONEY
(in unison)
Ohhhhhhhh...
INT. BATCAVE
TOBEY still seems to be holding up the BATCOMPUTER, but he’s clearly starting to waiver. His knees are buckling.
TOBEY
(grunting)
I can’t get this thing to budge and I don’t know how much longer I can...
TOBEY falls to the floor, panting.
The BATCOMPUTER remains suspended above him and CLARK.
CLARK helps TOBEY to his feet.
TOBEY
What the hell?
As they make their exit from the cave, they notice that a thick POWER CORD connecting the BATCOMPUTER with a POWER COUPLING has been holding it up this whole time.
CLARK
You are such an idiot.
EXT. CONVENTION HALL ROOF
WEST makes his way to the CIRCUIT BREAKER. He smashes it open with a BATARANG.
A SHADOW falls over him.
He looks up. The BATS are upon him.
He pulls out a smaller CATTLE PROD.
WEST
I will not die a monster.
He thrusts the PROD into the mess of ELECTRICAL WIRING, and a SMALL FIRE erupts.
WEST cries out in agony as 20,000 volts course through him.
The BATS cluster around him for one, terrifying moment as the POWER SHORTS out in the CONVENTION HALL.
Just as suddenly as they came upon him, the BATS flutter away, scattering to the winds, leaving the inert body of ADAM WEST alone on the rooftop, a grotesque smile frozen on his face.
EXT. CONVENTION CENTER PARKING LOT
EMERGENCY CREWS minister to those in need. PUT OUT COMIC FANS vacate the parking lot in droves.
MARVEL FAN
I don’t care if she saved our lives. I want my handjob...
DC FAN
Flashing us is so not the same...
Two EMTs cart WEST on a STRETCHER to an AMBULANCE while TOBEY and CLARK watch.
CLARK
You think he’s going to be okay?
TOBEY
They said he’s alive but catatonic. Maybe he’ll come out of it.
CLARK
What about them?
TOBEY and CLARK watch as KEATON, KILMER, and CLOONEY are led away in handcuffs by POLICE OFFICERS.
CLOONEY
(to KILMER)
Wait... are you sure Turturro was in Gung Ho?
KEATON
He was in it.
CLOONEY
How do you know?
The RIDDLER comes up behind TOBEY and CLARK, shaking his head in frustration.
RIDDLER
Maybe a night in jail, a splash in the tabloids and a slap on the wrist. The Batclan may have toppled, but I’m sure they have a few last vestiges of power in this wicked little town.
TOBEY
But at least it’s over, right?
RIDDLER
I wouldn’t be so sure about that, Tobey. Riddle me this: How did a bunch of Hollywood actors who can’t drive a car or buy their own groceries manage to rig a public address system to emit a hypersonic pulse?
CLARK
Kilmer was in Real Genius...
TOBEY
No. He’s right, Clark. Actors are a stupid and slovenly lot. There’s no way they could have set all this up on their own. They must have had help... But who would stand to gain from taking me down?
The RIDDLER tips his hat to them and starts to leave.
RIDDLER
Who indeed?
Nearby, DARTH VADER and BOBA FETT, the two guys who bumped into TOBEY earlier, make their own exit.
BOBA FETT
I told you the Dark Knights of the Round Table were dorks. I wasted two days setting up that computer. We should have just taken out Clark and Maguire on our own.
DARTH VADER
This is Hollywood, Jon. Sometimes the old ways are best. I thought we could use the Batclan to our advantage. I guess I was wrong.
BOBA FETT removes his helmet to reveal himself as JON SESSIONS.
SESSIONS
Please. You were just hoping they’d cast you in the next Bat-flick.
DARTH VADER removes his helmet to reveal himself as JAKE GYLLENHAAL.
GYLLENHAAL
I think I’d make an excellent Robin.
TOBEY and CLARK are still just standing around.
TOBEY
So. You never told me what that Marvel guy said about your writing samples.
CLARK
I believe "pass" was the operative word.
TOBEY
I’m sorry to hear that, Clark.
CLARK
Who knew assistant editors were so hard to impress?
TOBEY
What’d you think was going to happen? You were going to have one conversation with this guy in a hall or something, and he was just going to give you a shot for nothing? Come on, Clark. This is the real world.
CLARK
I guess...
KATIE runs up to them and embraces TOBEY.
KATIE
Thank god you’re okay. I thought West was going to kill you.
TOBEY
Thanks for the vote of confidence.
CLARK
Him? What about me? Where’s my warm bosomy hug?
KATIE
For what? Getting chained up or failing to shut off the system? You didn’t do anything!
CLARK
What are you talking about? All Tobey did was electrocute an old washed up TV star. I fought George Clooney!
TOBEY
You two can argue over it later. Come on. There’s a Chinese restaurant somewhere around the block. I’m starving.
KATIE
Don’t you want to change out of that costume first?
TOBEY looks down at his stretched out and ominously stained SPIDER-DUDS and smiles.
TOBEY
No. I really don’t.
*
ROLL END CREDITS
TOBEY MAGUIRE ~ Himself
LENAR CLARK ~ Himself/Noah Brown
JALEEL WHITE ~ The Riddler
KATIE HOLMES ~ Herself
ADAM WEST ~ Himself
CHRISTIAN BALE ~ Himself
MICHAEL KEATON ~ Himself
VAL KILMER ~ Himself
GEORGE CLOONEY ~ Himself
BURT WARD ~ Himself
CHRIS O'DONNELL ~ Himself
MIKE O'MALLEY ~ Guard 1
BILLY GARDELL ~ Guard 2
PHILL LEWIS ~ Guard 3
KEVIN CONROY ~ Announcer
JASON ALEXANDER ~ Costume Vendor
"Marvel Guy" ~ Assistant Editor
BRENT JONES ~ Random Convention Attendee 1
JUSTIN SMITH ~ Random Convention Attendee 2
SETH MCFARLANE ~ Comic Geek 1
SETH GREEN ~ Comic Geek 2
RACHEL SCHAFF ~ Concession Girl
JON SESSIONS ~ Boba Fett
JAKE GYLLENHAAL ~ Darth Vader
JASON LEE ~ Joe Kelly
MONTY ~ Herself
DAKOTA FANNING ~ Chelsey
MICHAEL RICHARDS ~ Vendor
KEVIN SMITH ~ Fat Guy
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS ~ Random Convention Goer 1
RINO ROMANO ~ Random Convention Goer 2
CHRISTOPHER BARNES ~ Random Convention Goer 3
TOM WELLING ~ Random Convention Goer in Superman Costume
JOHN CHO ~ Random Convention Goer in Spider-Man T-Shirt 1
KAL PENN ~ Random Convention Goer in Spider-Man T-Shirt 2
WILL HONLEY ~ Marvel Fan
ADAM JACOBS ~ DC Fan
"BLACK" ADAM MILTON ~ Small Press Fan
CALEB PREWITT ~ Unificator
*
END TEASE
INT. TOBEY’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
CLARK and BALE are sitting on the COUCH, both still wearing their respective superhero COSTUMES, but without their MASKS.
CLARK’s playing the Spider-Man 2 game while BALE offers unwanted advice.
BALE
Watch out for the tentacles.
CLARK
I see them.
BALE
Watch out for the tentacles.
CLARK
I said I see them!
On the SCREEN, a pixelated PETER PARKER is beaten to death by DR. OCTOPUS.
CLARK throws the CONTROLLER to the ground.
CLARK
Dammit!
BALE
The tentacles got you.
CLARK
Oh shut up.
TOBEY walks into the room in his PJ’s. His eyes are squinty. He’s obviously been roused from restful slumber.
TOBEY
Either keep it down or go home. I’m not going to tell you two again.
BALE and CLARK
(in unison)
Sorry, Tobe-lirone.
TOBEY walks back to his BEDROOM.
TOBEY
(muttering)
Stop calling me that... idiots...
THE END
How about every summer I'll take a few days off from everything and write and post another episode of Tobey & Clark? I mean, until the day comes when I have something far more important to write or a girlfriend to occupy my many hours of leisure time.
Does that sound agreeable to you?
I started writing this second episode a little under a year ago and started working on it again last week. While it's been eleven months since the pilot episode for us, it's only been several days for our eponymous duo, so a slight refresher might be in order:
I'm friends with Tobey Maguire. We run around like dickheads.
There's a lot I want to explain before you continue, but you know what? I'll just save it for the "Making of..." special with deleted scenes and the alternate ending...
Enjoy.
TOBEY & CLARK
Episode 1.02 – Batclan Forever
TEASER
INT. BATCAVE
A blindfolded CHRISTIAN BALE is dragged through the dusty floor of this dark and dreary place by two MEN IN CLOAKS. Every once in a while, a BAT will flutter by.
BALE
(panicked but still plenty stoic about it)
What’s the meaning of this? Who are you people? What do you want with me?
WEST
(off camera)
Come now, Mr. Bale. So many questions. I’d swear you were playing the Riddler…
One of the MEN IN CLOAKS removes the blindfold, and BALE looks up to see ADAM WEST in his old Batman costume standing on a platform before the massive screen of the film-franchise BATCOMPUTER.
BALE looks to his two captors, and we see clearly that it’s VAL KILMER and GEORGE CLOONEY in their BATMAN COSTUMES.
BALE
Oh my God, is this about the damn Batman movie? They told me you comic geeks were protective of your favorite character and all, but this is nuts!
WEST
We’re not geeks, Mr. Bale, but I assure you, we’re quite serious.
KILMER and CLOONEY both take out stainless steel BATARANGS, which snap open with menacing clicks, frightening BALE.
BALE
Okay, okay. Just don’t hurt me.
WEST
(chuckling)
Hurt you, Mr. Bale? I’m afraid you misunderstand our intentions completely. You’re not our enemy. If anything, you’re our champion.
BALE
(confused)
What are you talking about?
WEST
(turning to the BATCOMPUTER)
The first rule of portraying the Dark Knight Detective, Mr. Bale…
WEST pushes a button on the computer console, and a picture of TOBEY MAGUIRE in his Spider-Man costume pops up on the screen.
WEST
Know your enemy.
END TEASER.
*
OPENING CREDITS with Wilco’s “Theologians” as theme song:
theologians
they don't know nothing
about my soul
about my soul
i'm an ocean
an abyss in motion
slow motion
slow motion
inlitterati lumen fidei
god is with us everyday
that illiterate light
is with us every night
theologians
that don't know nothing
about my soul
oh they don't know
they thin my heart with little things
and my life with change
oh in so many ways
i find more missing every day
theologians
i'm going away
where you will look for me
where I'm going you cannot come
no one's ever gonna take my life from me
i lay it down
a ghost is born
a ghost is born
a ghost is born
i'm an ocean
i'm all emotion
i'm a cherry ghost
cherry ghost
hey i'm a cherry ghost
a cherry ghost
*
INT. TOBEY’S BEDROOM
Close up of TOBEY asleep in bed.
WOMAN
(off camera)
A boat is sinking off the harbor! You’ve got to do something!
SPIDER-MAN
(off camera)
Good thing this suit isn't dry-clean only.
Woken by the sound of his own voice, TOBEY’s eyes open.
CLARK
(off camera)
Don’t you assholes die on me!
TOBEY sits up in bed and sighs.
INT. TOBEY’S LIVING ROOM
CLARK is playing the Spider-Man 2 game on a big screen TV. CLARK looks like hell. He clearly hasn’t slept.
TOBEY enters the room.
TOBEY(yawning)
Jesus. You’re still here?
CLARK
(concentrating on the game)
Did I wake you? Sorry. I’m going to go home in a second here. I gotta get up tomorrow for a job interview.
TOBEY
It’s noon.
CLARK
Really?
TOBEY
Uh, yeah. Have you been playing that game this whole time?
CLARK
(looking at TOBEY)
Wait. It’s really noon?
TOBEY
Yes. You’re telling me you’ve been here since eleven last night, and you didn’t notice the sun come up?
CLARK turns and looks toward the window.
CLARK
(genuinely shocked)
Holy [expletive deleted]!
TOBEY
What time’s your interview?
CLARK
(playing the video game again)
It was three hours ago.
There’s a knock on the door. TOBEY goes to answer it.
TOBEY
(to CLARK)
So you’re screwed?
CLARK
Pretty much.
TOBEY
That sounds about right.
CLARK
You know, I’m getting the distinct feeling it’s going to be one of those days.
TOBEY opens the door to see KATIE HOLMES propping up a beaten and bloodied CHRISTIAN BALE.
TOBEY
(to CLARK)
I’m starting to get that feeling, too.
INT. BATCAVE.
All four Batmen, ADAM WEST, MICHAEL KEATON, VAL KILMER, and GEORGE CLOONEY sit around a big oak table, all in their respective COSTUMES.
WEST
Dark Knights of the Round Table -- status report.
CLOONEY
Bale has left the cave. He’s probably notifying the enemy of our intentions as we speak.
WEST
(smiling)
As if it’ll do him any good. What about Operation: Long Johns?
KILMER
Our agents are in the field. They should be at the rendezvous site on time.
KEATON
Whoa… Operation: Long Johns? Nobody told me anything about that… And who are these agents? I thought we were keeping this strictly among us.
WEST
My dear Mr. Keaton, there are some campaigns in the Caped Crusade that, while necessary, are beneath us. And that’s when it becomes prudent to engage the services of certain… lesser men.
KEATON
I don’t understand…
KILMER
Of course you don’t, Michael. It’s a sidekick thing…
EXT. COLUMBIA PICTURES STUDIO
Establishing shot of the studio gate. A GUARD sits in the security booth, bored.
Suddenly, the BATMOBILE from Batman Begins blows by, smashing through the gate.
The GUARD, shocked to hell, grabs his WALKIE.
GUARD(panicked)
Holy Granite! You guys ain’t gonna believe this. We’ve got an actual 714, and I think they’re headed for the costume department!
EXT. COLUMBIA COSTUME HANGER
A cadre of SECURITY GUARDS make their way toward the Costume Hanger, BILLY CLUBS in hand.
GUARD 2
What the hell’s a 714?
GUARD 3
Licensed Warner Brother’s property used in an assault strike on the studio.
GUARD 2
You've gotta be kidding me.
The BATMOBILE screeches to a halt before the Costume Hanger. CHRIS O’DONNELL and BURT WARD hop out of the car in their respective ROBIN COSTUMES.
The GUARDS attack them, but the two ROBINS fight them off easily.
CHRIS
I can’t believe we’re actually doing this.
BURT
You heard what they said they’d do to our families. We’ve got no choice. Trust me, don’t mess with West.
They proceed to the costume hanger door.
CHRIS
I guess you’re right. Get the C-4.
INT. COSTUME HANGER
The DOOR blows in with a low yield EXPLOSION. CHRIS and BURT rush in through the smoldering doorway.
BURT
There it is.
CHRIS
What the hell do you think they want with it?
BURT
I don’t know and I don’t want to. Come on. Let’s shag ass.
They charge forward.
INT. TOBEY’S APARTMENT
CLARK and KATIE sit on the COUCH. She’s playing the Spider-Man 2 game while he watches.
CLARK
(casually)
So did you ever really sleep with Dawson from the show?
KATIE
(focused on the game)
Yeah, a couple of times.
Beat.
CLARK
Well that was a lot less fascinating than I thought it’d be. When your head flashes like that, it’s your spider-sense. Push the y-button.
INT. TOBEY’S BATHROOM
TOBEY is tending to BALE’s wounds.
TOBEY
Jesus. What happened to you?
BALEI was abducted by, I don’t know, psycho comic book fans or something. I didn’t know this Batman gig was gonna be such a crazy-magnet.
TOBEY
Well you know what they say about great power and all that...
BALE
You don’t understand, Tobey. There’s something out there. Something dark. Something that will not stop until it has its revenge...
TOBEY
Calm down, Chris. Have you talked to the cops yet?
BALE
No. When I got out of there, I called Katie and when she came to get me, we both realized your place was closer.
TOBEY
Well you gotta go to the cops.
BALE
I know. I know. I just... Me and Katie were supposed to put in an appearance at this comic convention today...
TOBEY rolls his eyes.
TOBEY
Oh my god. You guys are going to Wizard World West Coast?
BALE
You’ve heard of it?
TOBEY
Yeah. Even before me and Comic McGeeky out there started hanging out. I’ve been getting four invites a week to these comic things since I got cast in Spider-Man.
BALE
You ever go?
TOBEY
I went to the San Diego Con for each of the movies, but that’s it. I don’t need a pack of 26-year-old virgins flocking around me shouting “Go web, go!” I can’t believe you’re going.
BALE
I was... until this happened. The guys at Warner said that it’d be good press and everything. You know, show the true fans we appreciate them and everything. But apparently, they just want a pound of flesh.
TOBEY
Right. You’ll probably be busy giving your statement anyway...
BALE
Exactly. Here’s the thing, though... Katie still has to go and she really doesn’t want to go by herself... So I was thinking that maybe...
TOBEY
Oh no. No way!
BALE
Come on...
TOBEY
There’s no way I’m going to a comic book convention.
The door bangs open as CLARK enters the bathroom.
CLARK
Did someone say comic book convention?
INT. TOBEY’S LIVING ROOM
TOBEY walks out of the bathroom while CLARK follows him, pleading. KATIE stops playing the game to watch them.
CLARK
Please!
TOBEY
No, Clark.
CLARK
Please!
TOBEY
No, Clark.
CLARK
Please!
TOBEY
I said no!
They stop moving.
CLARK
Do you have any idea who goes to these things, Tobey Wan Kenobi?
TOBEY
Freaks and retards, and please, stop calling me that.
CLARK
Not freaks and retards! Well, I mean, yeah, freaks and retards, but comic book editors, too!
TOBEY
What’s your point?
CLARK
This is my chance to show them my samples and get noticed!
TOBEY
You’re not talking about the stick figures again, are you?
CLARK
Yeah! The stick figures!
TOBEY
Oh dear god in heaven. Clark, nobody’s ever going to print those. Ever.
CLARK
They don’t have to print them, they just have to see the promise contained within them and then I’ve got a gig!
TOBEY
Nobody’s ever going to do that either. But if you’re so gung-ho about it, why don’t you just go on your own?
CLARK
You’ve got a VIP ticket for Tobey Maguire and Guest! Do you know how much cache that carries? It’s like I’m Spider-Man’s sidekick.
TOBEY
Spider-Man doesn’t have a sidekick.
CLARK
Exactly!
KATIE
Oh, why don’t you just go, Tobey? It might be fun. Besides, it’s the type of experience you can draw from for some role down the line.
TOBEY
Why is it that every time somebody wants me to do something I don’t want to do, they tell me it’s going to help my acting?
CLARK
Who cares? Let’s just do it!
BALE comes out of the bathroom.
BALE
Maybe they’re right, Tobey. I’m starting to think I should still go. Can’t let these freaks think they’ve won, you know.
TOBEY sighs.
TOBEY
Look, don’t do that Chris. You stay here and call the cops. I... I’ll go in your place.
CLARK
All right! Comic book fame, here I come!
TOBEY
Who said you could come?
CUT TO:
EXT. TOBEY’S DRIVEWAY
TOBEY, CLARK, and KATIE are all getting into her CAR. CLARK is actually jumping up and down and singing. BALE watches them from the doorway.
CLARK
Comic conny here we come, doo-dah! Hoo-hah!
Comic conny here we come, oh my hoo-hah’s hard!
Oh comic cons are cool!
Oh my hoo-hah’s hard!
Comic conny here we come, oh my hoo-hah’s hard!
KATIE
(to TOBEY)
How long is he gonna keep this up?
TOBEY
Depends how long it takes us to encounter something with shiny vibrant colors.
They climb inside and the CAR pulls away. BALE goes back into the house.
INT. TOBEY’S LIVING ROOM
BALE takes out his CELL PHONE and calls a number.
BALE
(into PHONE)
It worked. He’s on his way.
*
COMMERCIAL BREAK
*
INT. MAIN CONVENTION HALL
TOBEY, CLARK and KATIE walk through the entrance. CLARK is still singing.
CLARK
Comic conny here we are, doo-dah! Hoo-hah!
Comic conny here we are -
TOBEY
Look, Clark. Comics.
CLARK stops singing and takes in the whole sweeping scene of the convention.
CLARK
(in awe)
Naaaaaaaaaarf…
The trio continues their journey into the heart of the convention, passing a COSTUME BOOTH where a COSTUME VENDOR calls out to passers-by while holding up WEB-SHOOTERS.
COSTUME VENDOR
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the newest sensation from Japan. Authentic, Spider-Man web-shooters. Fully functional. No silly string here, my friends. This device will produce a thin-strand of a super-tough, long-chain polymer that dissolves on its own in an hour and a half. Two thousand dollars a piece, but such a small price to live like a hero…
The PA system kicks in.
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen... but of course, mostly gentlemen, Wizard Entertainment thanks you for your attendance today at the Wizard World LA Comic Con. Before we proceed with today’s program, we would like to ask for a moment of silence in honor of Marvel Comics Chairman Emeritus and the godfather of the modern comic, Stan “The Man” Lee, who is in critical condition at Sacred Heart Hospital following an unprovoked attack from an armed assailant last week in North Hollywood.
TOBEY and CLARK exchange nervous glances.
Nearby, VAL KILMER leans out of the shadows, watching them. He speaks into a RADIO in his BAT-COWL.
KILMER
The spider’s in the parlor.
INT. BATCAVE
WEST stands before the BATCOMPUTER, watching a security camera view of TOBEY, CLARK, and KATIE moving through the convention center.
WEST
I have visual, Mr. Kilmer. Inform the boys they can drop in at any time. And tell them that I want the girl brought in unharmed.
CLOONEY walks up to WEST.
CLOONEY
I’m still not sure about this. Holmes is in the new movie! Isn’t she one of us?
WEST pushes a button on the BATCOMPUTER and pictures of KATIE and TOBEY together in The Ice Storm and Wonder Boys pop up on the screen.
WEST
Need I remind you, Mr. Clooney? She’s clearly been tainted by the arachnid…
INT. CONVENTION CENTER
CLARK stands with an ASSISTANT EDITOR at the MARVEL COMICS BOOTH.
The ASSISTANT EDITOR is leafing through a huge stack of pages of STICK-FIGURE COMICS.
ASSISTANT EDITOR
Well, this is certainly… interesting.
CLARK
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. It’s like if Will Eisner and Alan Moore had a black love child. Don’t worry. I get that a lot.
ASSISTANT EDITOR
That’s not exactly what I… Hey. Is that Neil Gaiman conducting the Hogswarts Express?
CLARK
You bet your ass it is.
TOBEY and KATIE stand nearby, watching them.
TOBEY
So how are things with Tom?
KATIE
Okay I guess. I don’t know. Sometimes I think that there might be someone else I’m supposed to be with. Someone closer to my own age.
KATIE takes TOBEY’s hand.
TOBEY
(surprised)
What do you --
Before he can finish his sentence, GLASS SHATTERS above him as BURT WARD and CHRIS O’DONNELL smash through the SKYLIGHT with BUNGEE CHORDS. O’DONNELL’s carrying a BOX wrapped with BATMAN WRAPPING PAPER.
They land in front of TOBEY and KATIE. WARD grabs KATIE while O’DONNELL thrusts the BOX in TOBEY’s hands, knocking him on his ass.
KATIE
Tobey?
O’DONNELL
I’m so sorry about this. We don’t have a choice.
TOBEY
What are you doing?
WARD
Just do what they want, hero. Maybe nobody will get hurt.
O’DONNELL throws a small, marble-sized SMOKE BOMB to the floor, filling the immediate area with a THICK CLOUD.
The CLOUD slowly dissipates around TOBEY. WARD, O’DONNELL, and KATIE are gone.
RANDOM CONVENTION ATTENDIES circle around TOBEY, applauding.
RCA 1
That… was… awesome!
RCA 2
Man, the publicity stunts get crazier every year at this thing!
CLARK runs up to TOBEY.
CLARK
What the hell happened? Where’s Miss Booty-licious?
TOBEY
(coughing)
No idea…
CLARK
What’s in the box?
TOBEY
Who knows? Probably a bomb or Alicia Silverstone’s head. We should probably let the police…
CLARK tears it open.
CLARK
Holy crap, Tobes. It’s your Spider-Man costume.
CLARK pulls out the SPIDER-MAN COSTUME.
TOBEY
That’s not my costume. It belongs to the studio. They’re very strict about that type of thing…
CLARK
Who were those guys?
RIDDLER
(off camera)
That was Burt Ward and Chris O’Donnell. They’ve been sent to call you out.
TOBEY and CLARK turn to see Jaleel White, inexplicable dressed as the RIDDLER emerging from what remains of the SMOKE.
CLARK & TOBEY
(in unison)
Hey Urkel.
The RIDDLER bends down and picks up the SMOKE BOMB, examining it.
RIDDLER
Gentlemen.
TOBEYWhy are you dressed like that? Are… are you part of this?
RIDDLER
No, Tobey, I’ve just always felt that green was my color. I’m here to help.
CLARK
You know what’s going on?
RIDDLER
I’m afraid so. In Hollywood’s golden era, a number of serial films were created featuring the two most popular comic book superheroes of the time…
CLARK
Batman and Superman.
RIDDLER
Give the boy a prize. What most people don’t know, however, is that there was a fierce competition between the respective casts and crews of the Superman and Batman films. They waged a secret war of terror and murder in the back alleys of Tinseltown throughout the 40’s and 50’s… A war the Batmen eventually won. Since that day, a single cabal has controlled the production of almost every comic book movie made, insuring that the Caped Crusader would remain the most popular superhero on screen. They call themselves the Dark Knights of the Round Table, but they’re most popularly known as the Batclan.
TOBEY
That’s crazy!
RIDDLER
Is it, Tobey? How long have you been in Hollywood? You may think you’re beyond the typical backstabbing and grandstanding of the rich and famous, but you’ve stumbled right into the heart of one of the oldest rivalries in the blood-soaked streets of the City of Angels.
TOBEY
Rivalry’s one thing, but theft and kidnapping?
RIDDLER
Please. What you’ve witnessed today is a mere trifle. The white guy from In Living Color plays the Riddler and suddenly he’s worth 20 million dollars a picture. Arnold Schwartzenegger goes from Mr. Freeze to the governor of California. The Batclan’s been behind it all.
TOBEY
One has nothing to do with the other!
The RIDDLER shakes his head in pity for TOBEY.
RIDDLER
You’re so naive. I suppose you actually believe George Reeves committed suicide, or that Chris Reeve was crippled by a simple accident on his horsey.
CLARK
Whoa… This is starting to make a lot of sense.
TOBEY
(to RIDDLER)
See? Clark believes you. That just proves how off-base you are.
RIDDLER
I understand your reluctance to believe it, but the evidence is everywhere.
The RIDDLER tosses the SMOKE BOMB to TOBEY, who catches it. He examines it, noticing a yellow BAT-SYMBOL embossed on the bottom.
RIDDLER
Now they’re targeting you, Spider-Man.
TOBEY
I’m not Spider-Man! And why now? It’s been three years since that first movie came out.
RIDDLER
They probably never saw you as a threat before. After all, who thought the guy from Cider House Rules could be an action star?
CLARK
He’s got a total point, Pleasantville.
RIDDLER
Now the Cabal of the Caped Crusade has realized just how much of a danger Spider-Man poses to Batman’s box office supremacy.
CLARK
Wait. What about the other comic book flicks? They haven’t messed with any of them...
RIDDLER
You don’t think so? The upcoming Superman movie’s had three different directors over the last ten years. The Hulk was inexplicably given to an artsy-fartsy director to mangle, just as Fantastic Four was handed over to the genius who gave us Taxi. Daredevil. Affleck. ‘nuff said. The only reason the X-Men franchise has escaped the wrath of the Batclan is by sacrificing Halle Berry to the ravages of Catwoman.
CLARK
Jesus. They’ve got to be stopped!
RIDDLER
Indeed.
TOBEY
What do you expect me to do about all of this exactly?
RIDDLER
The Batclan’s gotten sloppy. Where once they dealt with their enemies swiftly and brutally in secret and shadow, now they’re bungling through public displays of wanton violence and terrorism. They gave you that costume for a reason. They want you to put it on and fight. Do it. Draw them out of their cave. We’ll expose them to the world. Everybody knows that bats can’t stand the harsh light of day.
TOBEY
Put on that costume? Are you out of your mind?!
CLARK
Tobey, they’ve got Katie.
TOBEY
So what? She’s crazy! All those years on Dawson’s Creek have made her flaky and unbearably angsty.
CLARK slaps TOBEY across the face.
CLARK
Don’t you ever say an unkind word about the mother-[expletive deleted] Creek!
TOBEY rubs his face as he walks away.
TOBEY
Yeah, well you know what, Clark? I didn’t even want to come to this stupid thing... I just knew it’d be a bunch of people who’d look at me and see a guy who isn’t real. So, I’m done. I am Peter Parker no more.
CLARK
Wait, Tobey! I’m sorry!
TOBEY
No more...
TOBEY exits.
CLARK looks down at the BOX with the COSTUME.
CLARK
Jaleel, I think I’ve just been handed a great deal of responsibility here...
INT. BATCAVE
KATIE is hanging from chains bolted into the ceiling, her toes six-inches above the floor. WEST, KEATON, CLOONEY, and KILMER watch her struggle.
KILMEROh so pretty and so helpless.
KATIE
(grunting)
I’m gonna tell you what I told Anthony Edwards. I am not some pass around for the cast of Top Gun. Let me go!
WEST
I’m afraid we can’t do that. Not just yet, girl wonder. I’m quite determined to do this properly and you’re an essential piece of the puzzle. What superhero showdown is complete without the damsel in distress?
WEST turns to the rest of the Batclan.
WEST
Gentlemen, I do believe it’s time for Spider-Man to come out and play...
KEATON
I thought Bale was going to come back for this. Where the hell is he?
CLOONEY
Let’s try his cell phone again.
CUT TO:
INT. TOBEY’S LIVING ROOM
CHRISTIAN BALE, wearing his BATMAN COSTUME, sits on TOBEY’s couch playing Spider-Man 2 and singing softly to himself.
BALE
Even though we ain't got hats or badges
We're a union just by saying so
And the world will know!
His cell-phone RINGS. The Batman theme song is his ringtone. BALE keeps playing the game.
BALE
(cont'd)
What's it gonna take to stop the wagons?
Are we ready?
CUT BACK TO:
INT. BATCAVE
CLOONEY hangs up the BAT-PHONE.
CLOONEY
No answer.
WEST shakes his head in shame.
WEST
Forget Mr. Bale. He’s served his purpose. He’s brought us the bug. The game is afoot gentlemen. Go forth. Bring him to me, no matter where he may try and hide.
KEATON, KILMER, and CLOONEY make their exit.
INT. CONVENTION CENTER BATHROOM
Two COMIC GEEKS are washing their hands and talking.
GEEK 1
So you’re not going to the Bendis panel?
GEEK 2
No way, dude. Bendis is totally played out.
GEEK 1
Oh! That’s it! You know, it’s become so fashionable to knock Brian Michael Bendis, but the man puts his five or six books out every month and it’s quality stuff!
One of the STALL DOORS swings open and CLARK steps out. He’s changed into the SPIDER-MAN COSTUME and is just pulling the MASK over his face.
He walks up to the two GEEKS and turns, revealing the open back of the costume.
CLARK
Hey, one of you guys wanna zip me up? Come on. Your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man could use a hand here.
*
COMMERCIAL BREAK
*
INT. CONVENTION CENTER
CLARK (as Spider-Man) argues with the COSTUME VENDOR at his booth.
CLARK
Look, I don’t think you understand. I need those web-shooters!
COSTUME VENDOR
I understand perfectly, sir. What you don’t understand, however, is how a market based economy works: Money is exchanged for goods and services. Without the money you get no goods.
CLARK
Look. Just let me borrow them, okay? I’ll bring ‘em back. It’ll be great publicity. I’m sure you’ll sell tons.
COSTUME VENDOR
Buddy, these things sell themselves.
CLARK
Yeah well...
A group of GEEKS run past CLARK and the COSTUME VENDOR, shouting.
GEEK 1
Whoa. Get a look at those Batman costumes!
GEEK 2
Those guys are a shoe-in for the costume contest for sure!
CLARK
Uh-oh. My common sense is tingling...
GEEKS swarm around KEATON, KILMER, and CLOONEY who’ve just arrived.
KEATON
We’re too conspicuous as a group.
KILMER
We’ve got to split up and fan out.
CLOONEY
Agreed. If you find Maguire send up a Bat-flare. We’ll take him together.
The three of them head off in opposite directions, pushing through the CROWDS.
CLARK watches them nervously. He looks up toward the ceiling.
CLARK
(to the COSTUME VENDOR)
Know where a guy could get some rope around here?
INT. CONVENTION HALL – CONCESSION STAND
TOBEY walks up to the CONCESSION GIRL.
TOBEY
You guys got any vegetarian dishes?
CONCESSION GIRL
We have hotdogs.
TOBEY
Not really the same thing.
CONCESSION GIRL
Hey, aren’t you Peter Parker?
TOBEY
Not anymore.
INT. CONVENTION HALL -- RAFTERS
CLARK climbs precariously along the rafters at the ceiling of the convention center, tying a ROPE to a support beam.
He looks down at the crowd below and spots KEATON walking along an aisle.CLARK stands up on the rafter, wrapping the ROPE around his wrist a few times.
CLARK
Okay, Clarky. This is just like that time in the eighth grade. But if you could manage not to break both your legs this time, that’d be best for all involved...
He tugs the ROPE experimentally once, twice... three times... four times.
His jaw is working. He takes a long hard look at KEATON and then steps off of the support beam.
CLARK swings down right toward the pathetically unaware KEATON, screaming the whole time.
CLARK
Tally ho, Beetlejuice!
At the sound, KEATON turns just in time to see CLARK plow into him.
CLARK gets an arm around KEATON’s waist and the two of them make a long upward swing into the rafters, in a pose identical to the cover of Amazing Fantasy #15, the introduction of Spider-Man. Eventually, they settle on a SUPPORT BEAM.
KEATON
What the hell?
CLARK punches him in the face, hard, knocking him out.
CLARK
Shut it.
With KEATON unconscious, CLARK sets to removing his UTILITY BELT.
INT. CONVENTION HALL – CAFETERIA
TOBEY sits alone, eating a slice of CHEESE PIZZA. He looks depressed.
CLOONEY walks by but doesn’t notice TOBEY any more than TOBEY notices him. He’s talking into his COWL RADIO.
CLOONEY
Keaton? Michael, come in. Val, I think we’ve lost him.
KILMER
(over radio)
What? That’s impossible. Maybe his radio’s just down.
CLARK
(over radio)
It’s working perfectly.
INT. CONVENTION MAIN HALL – RAFTERS
CLARK’s crouching next to KEATON, whom he’s tied to a support beam using KEATON’s own BAT-ROPE. He’s talking into KEATON’s pilfered RADIO while he rummages through the UTILITY BELT.
CLARK
Gotta admit. You guys came fully equipped. I’m especially impressed with the bat-rope you brought. It’s got your boy wrapped up nice and tight.
CLARK pulls the BAT-GRAPPLING GUN out of the UTILITY BELT.
CLARK
But you know what I’m just dying to try out?
INT. MAIN CONVENTION HALL -- DC BOOTH
KILMER paces around the DC COMICS BOOTH, speaking menacingly into his RADIO.KILMER
Listen you little freak. You might have gotten lucky with Keaton, but if you think you’re gonna get the best of the Ice Man, you’re sadly mistaken.
Suddenly, a BAT-GRAPPLE drops down from above, wraps around KILMER, and yanks him straight up.
KILMER
Ack! No!
INT. CONVENTION HALL -- CONCESSIONS
CLOONEY looks around frantically while KILMER screams over the RADIO.
KILMER
(over radio)
No! Gah! George! He’s up in the rafters! He’s --
There’s the sound of PUNCHING over the channel.
CLOONEY looks up to see CLARK tying an unconscious KILMER to a SUPPORT BEAM.
CLOONEY pulls a BATARANG out of his UTILITY BELT.
INT. CONVENTION HALL -- RAFTERS
CLARK finishes tying up KILMER.
CLARK
Jesus. I just beat up The Saint. That’s gotta be a one-way ticket to hell for an old altar boy.
A BATARANG smacks CLARK in the face out of nowhere, knocking him off of the SUPPORT BEAM.
CLARK screams all the way down.
CLARK
Crap in a hat!!!
CLARK smashes into a COMIC BOOK BOOTH, his fall broken by several BOXES OF COMICS.
CLARK rolls around in pain.
CLARK
(moaning)
I’m still alive because of comic books. My life hasn’t changed one iota.
CLARK stumbles to his feet.
CLARKThat’s it. Danny Ocean’s going down.
Another BATARANG smacks CLARK in the face just as abruptly as the first.
CLARK tries to rub the stars out of his eyes.
CLARK
Mother of pearl, those things sting like a bitch!
CLOONEY leaps into the scene, tackling CLARK to the ground.
CLOONEY
You’re a lot more tenacious than our intelligence led us to believe, Tobey. I can call you Tobey, right?
CLARK knees CLOONEY in the groin.
CLARK
I prefer Grandmaster of Funk, actually.
CLARK pushes CLOONEY off of him and stumbles to his feet and makes his way over to the SHATTERED REMAINS of the table he crash landed on.
CLOONEY pulls another BATARANG out of his UTILITY BELT and throws it at CLARK.
CLARK spins around with a BROKEN TABLE BOARD, blocking the BATARANG, which thuds into it.
CLOONEY
Well that didn’t work.
CLARK takes several steps toward him, raising the BOARD over his head.
CLARK
Sure didn’t.
CLARK cracks the BOARD over CLOONEY’s head, dazing him horribly.
CLARK tosses his half of the BOARD to the side, and hauls CLOONEY up by his bat-lapels, glaring into his face.
CLARK
I just got one question for you, and I better like the answer…
CLOONEY
(panicking)
Holmes is tied up in the Batcave. It’s right under this building. There’s a hidden doorway near the woman’s restroom. Adam West is down there waiting for you. He’s a madman.
CLARK shakes CLOONEY bodily.
CLARK
Nice, but not what I wanted to know.
He pulls CLOONEY even closer, their faces inches apart.
CLOONEY
What? What?!
CLARK
(softening)
Is Julianna Margolies a good kisser?
INT. CONVENTION HALL -- DC BOOTH
TOBEY paces around, speaking into his CELL PHONE. In the background, NOAH BROWN is conversing with JOE KELLY but we can’t hear what they’re saying.
TOBEY
Sam, I don’t want to do another movie. I’m done. Call Gyllenhaal or something.
(pause)
He doesn’t suck that much. Well what about Adam Brody?
(pause)
Really? You don’t see it?
(pause)
Why? Because I just don’t want to do it anymore…
Two guys, one dressed as DARTH VADER and the other as BOBA FETT bump into TOBEY as they pass by.
BOBA FETT
Watch it, dopey.
TOBEY watches them leave.
TOBEY
(into the PHONE)
And I get the feeling the fans just don’t like me anymore.
INT. BATCAVE
KATIE watches WEST working at the BATCOMPUTER.KATIE
Been a while hasn’t it? You sure your friends are okay?
WEST
I can’t honestly say I’m all that concerned.
CLARK stands at the entrance of the BATCAVE.
CLARK
You oughta be.
WEST turns from the BATCOMPUTER to look up at him.
WEST
Ah. Mr. Maguire. Thank you for joining us. I take it you’ve dispatched with my compatriots.
CLARK
Damn skippy, old man, and if you think I’m gonna go easy on you just because you’re geriatric, you got another think coming.
WEST takes several steps toward CLARK.
WEST
Is that so?
CLOSE-UP on KATIE while she watches in horror. We only hear the sound of a VIOLENT STRUGGLE and CLARK crying in pain.
CLARK goes flying across the cave and lands in a heap at KATIE’s feet.
CLARK
(groaning)
Damn.
WEST flexes his knuckles.
WEST
I do declare. Youth is ever wasted on the young.
*
COMMERCIAL BREAK
*
INT. MAIN CONVENTION HALL
TOBEY strolls casually down an aisle, rows of comic book boxes and various COMIC BOOK VENDERS selling their wares are on either side of him. One of the venders is MONTY, a woman in her 60’s who keeps a sly eye on TOBEY.
TOBEY
Well let’s see. Clark’s been out of my sight for about half an hour now, so it’s safe to say he’s either hitting on the hotdog girl or has gotten himself in serious trouble.
A little seven-year-old girl, CHELSEY, runs up to him excitedly.
CHELSEY
Oh wow oh wow! Spidey-Man! Spider-Man!
TOBEY sighs.
TOBEY
Look, I’m not Spider-Man. I’m just a guy.
CHELSEY looks up at him. Her eyes begin to tear, but then she breaks out in a huge grin.
CHESLEY
Oh. I gots it. You have to protect your secret indemnity. Well don’t worry Spidey-Man. I won’t tell your secret. Never ever.
She hugs him around his legs.
CHELSEY
I love you.
TOBEY seems oddly touched by this. He hugs her back. Then, just as suddenly as she ran up to him, she runs off.
CHELSEY
(moving off-camera)
Oh wow oh wow! Chewbacon! Chewbacca!
TOBEY stares after her, a bemused smile on his face.
He turns when MONTY, who’s been watching the whole scene, suddenly speaks to him.
MONTY
That’s how they all feel, you know.
TOBEY
Who?
MONTY
Everybody here. Your fans. The people who love Spider-Man.
TOBEY frowns.
TOBEY
I’m not Spider-Man.
MONTY
Oh, I know that, and you know that, it’s a very good thing that you know that, don’t get me wrong. But them? They just don’t see that. Not yet. They’re not ready for that just yet… This is a hard, old world we’re living in. A hard, old world filled with unspeakable things that can swoop down on your head at any moment with no concern for whether you’re a seven-year-old girl or a big Hollywood star or an old woman who’s been in the book business longer than she ever expected. And there aren’t any superheroes who are going to swing down and save us.
TOBEY
Yeah, but there are still heroes out there. Real heroes who’ve actually decided to do something with their lives. I’m not going to take the praise that belongs to them.
MONTY smiles at that.
MONTY
Well that’s very thoughtful of you, but you’ve got to know it’s completely unnecessary. Those real heroes you respect so much? They don’t do it for the praise or glory. They do it because they know it’s right.
TOBEY
I guess...
MONTY
And you know how they know that what they’re doing is right? They feel it in their hearts, because what’s right has been written there by parents who loved them, or the lessons they learned in school...
She pulls some COMICS out of her boxes.
MONTY
... and maybe, just maybe, from reading about righteous do-gooders in these funny books.
She looks at him.
MONTY
...or seeing them up on the big screen when they were young... like that little girl who just ran up to you. One day she’s going to realize that you’re not the hero she thinks you are and she’s going to wonder where the heroes are and maybe she’ll decide to be the type of person who makes heroes real by becoming one. And you’ll be one of her inspirations. What’s so wrong with that?
TOBEY
Nothing. Nothing at all.
MONTY
You interested in buying anything? I’ve got a used copy of Kraven’s Last Hunt for half off.
TOBEY starts to walk away.
TOBEY
No thanks. I have something I have to do.
MONTY smiles.
MONTY
Okay, dear. Good luck.
TOBEY comes upon a FAT GUY in a homemade Spider-Man costume who’s thumbing through some comic book BACK ISSUES and speaking with the VENDOR.
FAT GUY
Oh look. Daredevil: Bullseye. Hey, did the second issue ever come out?
VENDOR
‘course not. The writer’s a total hackjob.
TOBEY taps the FAT GUY on the shoulder.
TOBEY
Excuse me. I need to ask you an unusual favor...
The FAT GUY whirls around to face him, and is shocked to see that it’s TOBEY MAGUIRE.
FAT GUY
Holy crap! Long time no see, man!
TOBEY
Do I know you?
FAT GUY pulls off his mask to reveal that he’s actually KEVIN SMITH.
INSERT: Freeze-frame of this revelation scene with a pop-up graphic that reads “Look kids! It’s Kevin Smith!”KEVIN SMITH
Tobey! What are you doing here? Your agent never got back to us...
TOBEY
My agent?
KEVIN SMITH
You know, about whether you wanted the part...
A look of comprehension crosses TOBEY’s face.
TOBEY
Oh right. Mallrats 2: Die Hard in a Mall. Let me think about that, Kevin...
KEVIN SMITH
You’d play Brodie’s little brother Bradford. Kind of a cross between Holden Caufield and Booster Gold. I’m telling you man, it’s going to be better than Jersey Girl.
TOBEY
I’m really going to have to take a look at my schedule.
KEVIN SMITH
Whoa. Are you actually working on something now?
TOBEY
No. So what’s with the costume? Is it so fans don’t bother you?
KEVIN SMITH
Not really. Spandex just makes me feel sexy.
TOBEY
I’m hip.
INT. BATCAVE
CLARK -- still in the SPIDER-MAN costume -- is hanging from chains right next to KATIE. WEST circles around him with a CATTLE PROD in hand.
WEST
I must say, I’m rather disappointed, Mr. Maguire. I’d been told you were a do-your-own-stunter. Your fighting skills are pathetic.
CLARK
This from a guy who made a career out of stage punching Cesar Romero.
WEST touches the CATTLE PROD to CLARK’s chest, and he screams out in pain.
WEST
You clearly don’t understand the gravity of your situation, Spider-Man.
CLARK
(grunting)
Oh do go on. I could really use a lecture on perspective from someone who so clearly has a grasp of reality.
WEST
Oh, you will learn a lesson, Mr. Maguire, and rest assured, I will be your teacher.
CLARK
Oh god. Here comes the kinky sex stuff...
WEST turns from him and makes his way toward the BATCOMPUTER.
WEST
Did you know that bats and spiders are natural enemies, Mr. Maguire?
CLARK
Must have missed that particular Animal Planet. A friend of mine TiVoed the one with the lygers, though. Creepy stuff...
WEST ignores this and continues.
WEST
Seventy-percent of all bats sustain themselves on insects, while spiders are constantly feeding on that same food supply.
CLARK
Jesus Christ. What’s the point?
WEST
The Batman franchise will no longer stand for your sucking on the marrow of its fan-base, Spider-Man!
WEST begins working at the BATCOMPUTER.
KATIE
What are you doing?
WEST
This computer is connected directly to the PA system in the convention hall above us. I’m currently programming it to emit a hypersonic frequency that will attract every bat within a 100 mile radius. Once they arrive en masse, they’ll proceed to attack anybody with Spider-Man merchandise, sending an unmistakable message to the superhero fans of America on just who is the greatest costumed vigilante of all time.
CLARK
West, you’re out of your goddamn gourd!
WEST starts giggling.
WEST
You know. You might just be right.
He pushes a button on the BATCOMPUTER.
INT. CONVENTION MAIN HALL
All of the speakers switch on, emitting a high pitch that begins to fade. RANDOM CONVENTION GOERS are all baffled by this.
RCG 1
What’s going on?
RCG 2
What’s that sound?
RCG 3
I think it’s feedback…
RCG IN SUPERMAN COSTUME
Shush. Somebody’s trying to speak to me on a frequency only I can hear.
RCG IN SPIDER-MAN T-SHIRT 1
Whoa. My spider-sense is tingling.
RCG IN SPIDER-MAN T-SHIRT 2
Yeah. Yeah mine, too.
INT. BATCAVE
WEST strolls from the computer back to the suspended CLARK.
WEST
Now then... Time to see that pretty boy face of yours. I want to look into your eyes as your precious franchise dies.
CLARK
Wait...
WEST pulls the MASK off CLARK’s head.
KATIE
Clark?
WEST
(confused)
No. No, this is all wrong. You’re black! You’re not Spider-Man!
TOBEY
(off-camera)
No. He’s not.
At the sound of TOBEY’s voice, WEST, CLARK and KATIE turn to see him standing at the entrance to the cave, wearing Kevin Smith’s loose and baggy SPIDER-MAN COSTUME.
TOBEY
I am.
*
COMMERCIAL BREAK
*
EXT. HOLLYWOOD SIGN
Establishing shot of that famous landmark.
A SHADOW settles over it.
There’s the FLUTTERING of tiny wings. The SQUEAKS and SHRIEKS of echolocation.
Here come the BATS.
INT. BATCAVE
WEST glares at TOBEY while CLARK and KATIE struggle with their restraints.
CLARK
Tobe-a-lobe? Is that you?
TOBEYDon’t call me that, but yeah. It’s me.
KATIE
Get to the computer! He’s using it to attract a swarm of bats!
TOBEY charges toward the BATCOMPUTER.
TOBEY
Is that a problem?
KATIE
Apparantly!
WEST pulls a BATARANG from his utility belt and throws it at TOBEY.
WEST
I don’t know who you are, but your outfit really needs to be taken in and you won’t stop me.
TOBEY sees -- or does he sense? -- the BATARANG coming at him.
He pivots, points at it, and a THIN OF WEB shoots from his wrist and hits the BATARANG.
TOBEY swings it around his head, and flings it back at WEST.
WEST ducks, shocked, and the BATARANG smashes through the CHAINS suspending CLARK and KATIE, who fall to the ground.
WEST
Impressive!
CLARK
Yeah. Seriously. How the hell did you do that?
INT. CONVENTION HALL
That comic book VENDOR from the previous scene with Kevin Smith is talking to the COSTUME VENDOR, who’s counting a THICK WAD OF MONEY.
VENDOR
You actually sold those web-shooters? How much were they?
COSTUME VENDOR
Two thousand bucks a piece. Guy paid cash, too.
VENDOR
Who walks around with that much money on him?
COSTUME VENDOR
Oh, you know these Hollywood types...
INT. BATCAVE
WEST rises to his feet and stalks toward TOBEY with the CATTLE PROD in his hands.
TOBEY
Why are you doing this?
WEST
The legion of fans must be cleansed of the pestilence from the bug…
TOBEY
Just once I’d like to meet an old Hollywood legend who wasn’t absolutely positively freaky-deeky nuts.
WEST takes a crouching tiger stance.
WEST
I assure you, young man, I’m the last old Hollywood legend you’re ever going to meet.
TOBEY assumes the hidden dragon position.
TOBEY
Spin the wheel, raggedy man.
They proceed to engage each other in vicious hand to hand combat as only Yuen Wo Ping can choreograph it. WEST gains a quick advantage but TOBEY holds his own.
TOBEY
(grunting to CLARK and KATIE)
You two get out of here! You’ve got to evacuate the building!
CLARK makes his way to the BATCOMPUTER as KATIE makes her way to the exit.
KATIE
Clark! Come on!
CLARK
Go on without me! I’m gonna try to shut the system down!
TOBEY
(still fighting WEST)
Yeah, that oughta be a piece of cake for an English grad with no computer skills...
CLARK
Just go, Homey. We’ll be right behind you.
KATIE exits.
TOBEY and WEST continue to fight while CLARK works at the BATCOMPUTER console.
WEST delivers a brutal roundhouse kick to TOBEY’s face, sending him flying across the BATCAVE.
WEST pulls the CATTLE PROD out of his UTILITY BELT and moves toward TOBEY menacingly.
WEST
Misery misery misery. That’s what you’ve chosen for yourself…
TOBEY
(moaning)
Why is this so familiar?
WEST
The age of the Spider-Man is over. The legend of the Dark Knight will be everlasting. The bat-cattle prod will see to that.
TOBEY
Bat-cattle prod? You’re [expletive deleted]ing me right?
WEST doesn’t say anything. He just thrusts the PROD straight for TOBEY’s face.
TOBEY, of course, catches the PROD by the prongs. He rises, and he and WEST begin wrestling for control of the PROD.
WEST
(groaning)
Who are you?
TOBEY
I’m just a guy.
(shouting to CLARK)
How we doing with that computer, Clarky?!
SPARKS explode out of the BATCOMPUTER.
CLARK
Oh, it’s great. I’ve almost got it.
INT. CONVENTION HALL
KATIE runs out of the SECRET DOORWAY near the LADIES’ ROOM and into the CONVENTION HALL, screaming.
KATIE
Everybody out! There’s a swarm of vicious bats on the way!
A nearby MARVEL FAN in a Silver Surfer shirt scoffs.
MARVEL FAN
Here it comes. Chick’s in a Batman movie and all of a sudden she can tell us what to do. Typical DC bitch.
KATIE
Excuse me?
A DC FAN in a Green Lantern shirt rushes up and shoves the MARVEL FAN.
DC FAN
Watch your mouth, Marvel Boy. That woman’s practically a DC comic book character, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna listen to some X-Men loving freak talk bad about her! Titans, go!
Various FANS in assorted DC Comics apparel rally behind the DC FAN.
MARVEL FAN
You think you’re the only ones who are organized? Think again. Avengers Assemble!
Various FANS in assorted Marvel Comics apparel rally behind the MARVEL FAN.
DC FAN
Always knew it’d come down to this one day…
MARVEL FAN
DC versus Marvel. It’s time to decide once and for all...
KATIE
What the hell is going on?
A SMALLER PRESS FAN in a Hellboy shirt storms into the proceedings.
SMALLER PRESS FAN
That’s what I’d like to know! You DC and Marvel guys… You think it’s all about the two company system. Well you guys are both just sellouts to the comics as big business mentality! You sicken me!
Various FANS in assorted Image, Dark Horse, Top Cow and independent comic book apparel rally behind the SMALLER PRESS FAN.
SMALL PRESS FAN
That type of bullshit ends here and now. What about Image?
SMALL PRESS LEGION
(in unison)
Yeah!
SMALL PRESS FAN
Or Dark Horse!
SMALL PRESS LEGION
(in unison)
Neigh!
SMALL PRESS FAN
Or Top Cow!
SMALL PRESS LEGION
(in unison)
Moo!
MARVEL FAN
You losers want a piece of the ass-whumpin’ we’re about to hand these Brand Ecch-men, that’s fine with us!
DC FAN
I came here to kick ass and buy comic books, and I’m all out of money, Marvel-boy.
A fight’s about to break out when a UNIFICATOR bursts into the scene.
UNIFICATOR
What’s wrong with you people? Would you look at yourselves? Marvel, DC, Top Cow… None of that matters. We’re all just fans of comic books! And I for one am sick of you guys trying to divide us up, and I’m pretty sure there are plenty of other people here today who’re ready to stomp some unity into your asses!
Various FANS with no discernible apparel affilitations rally behind the UNIFICATOR.
MARVEL FAN
No quarter asked for Marvel Zombies!
DC FAN
We’re fighting this one in memory of the Planet Krypton!
SMALL PRESS FAN
Hellboy rules!
UNIFICATOR
Cry havoc and let loose the dogs of war!
The convention hall erupts in COMIC GEEK WAR.
KATIE watches on in shock and confusion.
KATIE
I’ve never seen so many guys who needed to get laid in all my life.
INT. BATCAVE
TOBEY and WEST continue to struggle with the CATTLE-PROD.
WEST
You’re certainly a capable young man… Have you ever thought about a domino mask?
TOBEY
Really not following you.
WEST
Join me. Become my new apprentice. Imagine what we could accomplish together, Boy Wonder...
TOBEY
Oh save it for your letter to Penthouse...
With that, TOBEY wins the struggle, and presses the prod to WEST’s chest.
There’s an improbably large ELECTRICAL DISCHARGE, which sends them both flying toward opposite sides of their arena.
WEST smashes into a stalagmite and crumples to the floor.
TOBEY lands gracefully, like a cat.
There’s another SHOWER OF SPARKS from the BATCOMPUTER.
CLARK
Whoopsie-daisy.
TOBEY
Whoopsie-daisy? Can you shut that down or not?
CLARK
I’m beginning to suspect this is a Mac...
WEST
(groaning)
What’s happening? What have I done?
TOBEY rushes over to WEST, pulling the Spider-Man MASK off.
TOBEY
Mr. West?
WEST looks up at TOBEY and a goofy grin spreads across his face.
WEST
(dreamily)
Tobey Maguire... I loved you in Pleasantville.
TOBEY
And your work as Batman was an inspiration to me, sir.
WEST
Really?
TOBEY
Sure. Why not? But now it’s time to let it go. We have to stop those bats!
WEST
What? I can’t...
He pulls out another BATARANG.
WEST
I won’t.
TOBEY
You’ve got to, Mr. West.
WEST
But what about my glory?
TOBEY
Real heroes don’t do what they do for praise or glory. They do it because this is a cruel old world with unspeakable things and its up to each and every one of us to stand up against them.
WEST
You’re right...
He drops the BATARANG.
WEST
You’re right.
TOBEY
How do we shut down the system?
WEST looks over toward CLARK, who's still at it over at the BATCOMPUTER.
WEST
You can’t do it with the computer. There’s no kill program.
TOBEY
Then what do we do?
WEST
I don’t know...
TOBEY
Think!
WEST
The power breaker. It’s on the roof. If you short it out that should stop the broadcast.
TOBEY
Fine.
TOBEY fires a WEB-LINE to the top of the cave and begins to climb up.
WEST grabs him by the leg and pulls him down.
WEST
No.
TOBEY
What?
WEST
I’ll go. I’ve studied the building’s schematics. I know what to do.
WEST pulls a BAT-GRAPPLING GUN out of his belt, fires a line up, and reels himself upward.
WEST
You have a bright future ahead of yourself, Mr. Maguire.
TOBEY watches WEST recede into the deep shadows of the upper cave.
TOBEY
It’s been an honor, sir.
CLARK
Oh Jesus. Why don’t the two of you just kiss already?
TOBEY turns to see CLARK still working at the BATCOMPUTER.
TOBEY
What are you doing over there? He said the computer can’t stop the system.
CLARK
Yeah but I found Minesweeper on this thing. I love this game.
TOBEY
Clark, we’ve got to get out of here!
CLARK
In a second... I almost got it.
CLARK clicks the MOUSE and "steps on a mine". The words "GAME OVER" pop up on the SCREEN, and there’s an actual EXPLOSION from the back of the BATCOMPUTER.
CLARK falls back onto the floor. The BATCOMPUTER tips forward, threatening to crush him.
TOBEY looks on in horror, screaming.
TOBEY
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
CLARK looks up as the BATCOMPUTER bears down on him.
CLARK
This is gonna hurt.
CLARK shields his eyes.
Suddenly, the BATCOMPUTER stops falling. CLARK looks up to see that TOBEY appears to be holding it up in a phenomenal display of strength.
INT. CONVENTION MAIN FLOORThe comic geek war continues.
KATIE pushes her way through the mayhem toward a TABLE.
KATIE
(muttering)
Oh for petesake...
She climbs up on the TABLE.
KATIE
(shouting)
Free handjobs in the parking lot! Follow me!
Everybody stops fighting, watching KATIE while she makes her way toward the exit.
The SEA OF HUMANITY follows swiftly behind her.
INT. BATCAVE
CLARK stares up at TOBEY while he struggles to hold the BATCOMPUTER up.
TOBEY
Clark... If we make it out of here...
CLARK
You want this suit dry-cleaned?
TOBEY
Thoroughly.
INT. CONVENTION MAIN HALL
WEST comes out of the SECRET DOORWAY into the empty CONVENTION HALL. He pulls out his BAT-GRAPPLING GUN and fires a line to the skylight.
He reels himself up, passing KEATON, CLOONEY, and KILMER who are all still tied to support beams, chatting casually.
KILMER
...who was in Gung Ho with John Turturro, who was in Oh Brother Where Art Thou with Tim Blake Nelson who was in Wonderland with John Lucas who was in American Psycho with Reese Witherspoon who was in Pleasantville with William H Macy who was in Murder in the First with Kevin Bacon.
KEATON and CLOONEY
(in unison)
Ohhhhhhhh...
INT. BATCAVE
TOBEY still seems to be holding up the BATCOMPUTER, but he’s clearly starting to waiver. His knees are buckling.
TOBEY
(grunting)
I can’t get this thing to budge and I don’t know how much longer I can...
TOBEY falls to the floor, panting.
The BATCOMPUTER remains suspended above him and CLARK.
CLARK helps TOBEY to his feet.
TOBEY
What the hell?
As they make their exit from the cave, they notice that a thick POWER CORD connecting the BATCOMPUTER with a POWER COUPLING has been holding it up this whole time.
CLARK
You are such an idiot.
EXT. CONVENTION HALL ROOF
WEST makes his way to the CIRCUIT BREAKER. He smashes it open with a BATARANG.
A SHADOW falls over him.
He looks up. The BATS are upon him.
He pulls out a smaller CATTLE PROD.
WEST
I will not die a monster.
He thrusts the PROD into the mess of ELECTRICAL WIRING, and a SMALL FIRE erupts.
WEST cries out in agony as 20,000 volts course through him.
The BATS cluster around him for one, terrifying moment as the POWER SHORTS out in the CONVENTION HALL.
Just as suddenly as they came upon him, the BATS flutter away, scattering to the winds, leaving the inert body of ADAM WEST alone on the rooftop, a grotesque smile frozen on his face.
EXT. CONVENTION CENTER PARKING LOT
EMERGENCY CREWS minister to those in need. PUT OUT COMIC FANS vacate the parking lot in droves.
MARVEL FAN
I don’t care if she saved our lives. I want my handjob...
DC FAN
Flashing us is so not the same...
Two EMTs cart WEST on a STRETCHER to an AMBULANCE while TOBEY and CLARK watch.
CLARK
You think he’s going to be okay?
TOBEY
They said he’s alive but catatonic. Maybe he’ll come out of it.
CLARK
What about them?
TOBEY and CLARK watch as KEATON, KILMER, and CLOONEY are led away in handcuffs by POLICE OFFICERS.
CLOONEY
(to KILMER)
Wait... are you sure Turturro was in Gung Ho?
KEATON
He was in it.
CLOONEY
How do you know?
The RIDDLER comes up behind TOBEY and CLARK, shaking his head in frustration.
RIDDLER
Maybe a night in jail, a splash in the tabloids and a slap on the wrist. The Batclan may have toppled, but I’m sure they have a few last vestiges of power in this wicked little town.
TOBEY
But at least it’s over, right?
RIDDLER
I wouldn’t be so sure about that, Tobey. Riddle me this: How did a bunch of Hollywood actors who can’t drive a car or buy their own groceries manage to rig a public address system to emit a hypersonic pulse?
CLARK
Kilmer was in Real Genius...
TOBEY
No. He’s right, Clark. Actors are a stupid and slovenly lot. There’s no way they could have set all this up on their own. They must have had help... But who would stand to gain from taking me down?
The RIDDLER tips his hat to them and starts to leave.
RIDDLER
Who indeed?
Nearby, DARTH VADER and BOBA FETT, the two guys who bumped into TOBEY earlier, make their own exit.
BOBA FETT
I told you the Dark Knights of the Round Table were dorks. I wasted two days setting up that computer. We should have just taken out Clark and Maguire on our own.
DARTH VADER
This is Hollywood, Jon. Sometimes the old ways are best. I thought we could use the Batclan to our advantage. I guess I was wrong.
BOBA FETT removes his helmet to reveal himself as JON SESSIONS.
SESSIONS
Please. You were just hoping they’d cast you in the next Bat-flick.
DARTH VADER removes his helmet to reveal himself as JAKE GYLLENHAAL.
GYLLENHAAL
I think I’d make an excellent Robin.
TOBEY and CLARK are still just standing around.
TOBEY
So. You never told me what that Marvel guy said about your writing samples.
CLARK
I believe "pass" was the operative word.
TOBEY
I’m sorry to hear that, Clark.
CLARK
Who knew assistant editors were so hard to impress?
TOBEYWhat’d you think was going to happen? You were going to have one conversation with this guy in a hall or something, and he was just going to give you a shot for nothing? Come on, Clark. This is the real world.
CLARK
I guess...
KATIE runs up to them and embraces TOBEY.
KATIE
Thank god you’re okay. I thought West was going to kill you.
TOBEY
Thanks for the vote of confidence.
CLARK
Him? What about me? Where’s my warm bosomy hug?
KATIE
For what? Getting chained up or failing to shut off the system? You didn’t do anything!
CLARK
What are you talking about? All Tobey did was electrocute an old washed up TV star. I fought George Clooney!
TOBEY
You two can argue over it later. Come on. There’s a Chinese restaurant somewhere around the block. I’m starving.
KATIE
Don’t you want to change out of that costume first?
TOBEY looks down at his stretched out and ominously stained SPIDER-DUDS and smiles.
TOBEY
No. I really don’t.
*
ROLL END CREDITS
TOBEY MAGUIRE ~ Himself
LENAR CLARK ~ Himself/Noah Brown
JALEEL WHITE ~ The Riddler
KATIE HOLMES ~ Herself
ADAM WEST ~ Himself
CHRISTIAN BALE ~ Himself
MICHAEL KEATON ~ Himself
VAL KILMER ~ Himself
GEORGE CLOONEY ~ Himself
BURT WARD ~ Himself
CHRIS O'DONNELL ~ Himself
MIKE O'MALLEY ~ Guard 1
BILLY GARDELL ~ Guard 2
PHILL LEWIS ~ Guard 3
KEVIN CONROY ~ Announcer
JASON ALEXANDER ~ Costume Vendor
"Marvel Guy" ~ Assistant Editor
BRENT JONES ~ Random Convention Attendee 1
JUSTIN SMITH ~ Random Convention Attendee 2
SETH MCFARLANE ~ Comic Geek 1
SETH GREEN ~ Comic Geek 2
RACHEL SCHAFF ~ Concession Girl
JON SESSIONS ~ Boba Fett
JAKE GYLLENHAAL ~ Darth Vader
JASON LEE ~ Joe Kelly
MONTY ~ Herself
DAKOTA FANNING ~ Chelsey
MICHAEL RICHARDS ~ Vendor
KEVIN SMITH ~ Fat Guy
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS ~ Random Convention Goer 1
RINO ROMANO ~ Random Convention Goer 2
CHRISTOPHER BARNES ~ Random Convention Goer 3
TOM WELLING ~ Random Convention Goer in Superman Costume
JOHN CHO ~ Random Convention Goer in Spider-Man T-Shirt 1
KAL PENN ~ Random Convention Goer in Spider-Man T-Shirt 2
WILL HONLEY ~ Marvel Fan
ADAM JACOBS ~ DC Fan
"BLACK" ADAM MILTON ~ Small Press Fan
CALEB PREWITT ~ Unificator
*
END TEASE
INT. TOBEY’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
CLARK and BALE are sitting on the COUCH, both still wearing their respective superhero COSTUMES, but without their MASKS.
CLARK’s playing the Spider-Man 2 game while BALE offers unwanted advice.
BALE
Watch out for the tentacles.
CLARK
I see them.
BALE
Watch out for the tentacles.
CLARK
I said I see them!
On the SCREEN, a pixelated PETER PARKER is beaten to death by DR. OCTOPUS.
CLARK throws the CONTROLLER to the ground.
CLARK
Dammit!
BALE
The tentacles got you.
CLARK
Oh shut up.
TOBEY walks into the room in his PJ’s. His eyes are squinty. He’s obviously been roused from restful slumber.
TOBEY
Either keep it down or go home. I’m not going to tell you two again.
BALE and CLARK
(in unison)
Sorry, Tobe-lirone.
TOBEY walks back to his BEDROOM.
TOBEY
(muttering)
Stop calling me that... idiots...
THE END
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