I guess we're not lucky at ladies or at cards.
- Kevin Smith et al., "The Clip Show"
"The Conversation I Just Had With My Sister"
Her: What are you working on?
Me: My blog.
Her: Your blog? What's that?
Me: It's my weblog.
Her: Your weblog? For what? You don't do anything!
Me: I do to!
Her: You sit around and read comic books and watch TV all day!
Me: That's what I talk about.
My god. This truly is damnation.
"Toilet Humor"
So I've just taken a dump and I go to reach for the toilet paper to wipe my ass, but I'm staring at a naked cardboard cylinder that somehow hasn't been replaced. So I do what anyone would do in this situation, and grab some tissues, thinking Hey, it's silkier than I'm used to, but that's my sticky rectum's little treat for today. But to my chagrin, there's only one tissue left, and I've got a lot of shit to scrape outta my ass. Now, I can't pull my pants back up without serious risk of shit stains on the ol' fashion briefs. I thought I'd just run up to the closet to get another roll with my shirt down to cover my genitals, but the pre-poop piss has left a couple droplets of urine on the ol' hoo-ha, and piss stains are only slightly better than shit stains, especially if you're planning on wearing that shirt again tomorrow. Now I know what you're thinking: Just wipe your dick off! Well, what am I gonna wipe it with, asshole? There's no toilet paper or tissues!
So, to make a long story short, I ran past my stepfather (sleeping on the couch) up the stairs nude from the waste down holding my shirt up.
"Lucky"
As if I didn't have enough bad, money-wasting habits (did I mention I'm back to buying comics on E-Bay?), Andy and Brent Jones, Part Two dragged me to a casino. I was treated to such wondrous sensations as scratching my head at the fact that penny slots don't actually take pennies, walking around with three dollars in copper colored change in my pants, and losing twenty-two dollars which was completely unnecessary. (I blame you, Maynard.)
Oh, and my de facto moratorium on alcohol consumption continues. I am... I am... I am, the luckiest.
"Clark Talks About TV and Comic Books" or "How I Learned to Relax and Love the Blog"
Brent Jones, Part Two and I were at his house for a little post-money-loss cool down (which involves less sex than you'd think) when we stumbled upon an A&E special about that old Batman show with Adam West and Burt Ward. And while we were watching it, I realized that the only celebrity reality TV show I would have any interest in watching would be one in which a cameraman just follows Adam West around, because the man is clearly out of his mind. He's too nuts not to be doing more (read "any") work these days. I'm telling you, you haven't lived until you've witness this man mangle a metaphor or strangle a simile to death. He's as magnificent as a loon! It's great television!
I'd tell you all about my idea for an hour long drama featuring Katie Holmes, Jaleel White, and a talking basset hound voiced by Salma Hayek, but I don't think you're ready right now. I will however, use this Batman inspired entry to pose (and post) this Killing Joke query: Do you think that Barbara Gordon is aware that a few scant hours after the worst moment of her life, Batman was chuckling with the Joker over a fairly lame joke?
NEXT:
Training Day.
- Kevin Smith et al., "The Clip Show"
"The Conversation I Just Had With My Sister"
Her: What are you working on?
Me: My blog.
Her: Your blog? What's that?
Me: It's my weblog.
Her: Your weblog? For what? You don't do anything!
Me: I do to!
Her: You sit around and read comic books and watch TV all day!
Me: That's what I talk about.
My god. This truly is damnation.
"Toilet Humor"
So I've just taken a dump and I go to reach for the toilet paper to wipe my ass, but I'm staring at a naked cardboard cylinder that somehow hasn't been replaced. So I do what anyone would do in this situation, and grab some tissues, thinking Hey, it's silkier than I'm used to, but that's my sticky rectum's little treat for today. But to my chagrin, there's only one tissue left, and I've got a lot of shit to scrape outta my ass. Now, I can't pull my pants back up without serious risk of shit stains on the ol' fashion briefs. I thought I'd just run up to the closet to get another roll with my shirt down to cover my genitals, but the pre-poop piss has left a couple droplets of urine on the ol' hoo-ha, and piss stains are only slightly better than shit stains, especially if you're planning on wearing that shirt again tomorrow. Now I know what you're thinking: Just wipe your dick off! Well, what am I gonna wipe it with, asshole? There's no toilet paper or tissues!
So, to make a long story short, I ran past my stepfather (sleeping on the couch) up the stairs nude from the waste down holding my shirt up.
"Lucky"
As if I didn't have enough bad, money-wasting habits (did I mention I'm back to buying comics on E-Bay?), Andy and Brent Jones, Part Two dragged me to a casino. I was treated to such wondrous sensations as scratching my head at the fact that penny slots don't actually take pennies, walking around with three dollars in copper colored change in my pants, and losing twenty-two dollars which was completely unnecessary. (I blame you, Maynard.)
Oh, and my de facto moratorium on alcohol consumption continues. I am... I am... I am, the luckiest.
"Clark Talks About TV and Comic Books" or "How I Learned to Relax and Love the Blog"
Brent Jones, Part Two and I were at his house for a little post-money-loss cool down (which involves less sex than you'd think) when we stumbled upon an A&E special about that old Batman show with Adam West and Burt Ward. And while we were watching it, I realized that the only celebrity reality TV show I would have any interest in watching would be one in which a cameraman just follows Adam West around, because the man is clearly out of his mind. He's too nuts not to be doing more (read "any") work these days. I'm telling you, you haven't lived until you've witness this man mangle a metaphor or strangle a simile to death. He's as magnificent as a loon! It's great television!
I'd tell you all about my idea for an hour long drama featuring Katie Holmes, Jaleel White, and a talking basset hound voiced by Salma Hayek, but I don't think you're ready right now. I will however, use this Batman inspired entry to pose (and post) this Killing Joke query: Do you think that Barbara Gordon is aware that a few scant hours after the worst moment of her life, Batman was chuckling with the Joker over a fairly lame joke?
NEXT:
Training Day.
Comments