I keep the wolf from the door, but he calls me up -- calls me on the phone, tells me all the ways that he's gonna mess me up -- steal all my children if I don't pay the ransom, but I'll never see 'em again if I squeal to the cops...
- Radiohead, "A Wolf at the Door"

"A Whole Different Beast"
If you're here for the blogtastic musings of L. F. Clark, Esq., and you're freaking out cause it's all so different, fear not, True Believer.

Of course, it's far more likely you've been drinking heavily, couldn't get anyone to come home with you, turned the the internet for some vague and misguided semblence of companionship googled "Kirsten Dunst" and "post-it notes" somehow ended up here, and to you I say Welcome to My Stupid Blog! and You're a pervert who needs help, I should know, we can smell our own!

The last time I changed my template, it took me a weekend. This time, it's taken me a week, which is actually pretty depressing when you consider the fact that you're staring at black words on a white background and some hard-to-read post-it notes, but I guess I've joined the K.I.S.S. school of web-design. (No... not "Keep It Simple Stupid," stupid. I'm obviously a knight in Satan's service! Duh!) Hopefully, what this layout lacks in pop, it makes up for in good ol' nostalgia...

Who doesn't miss the door o' post-its? I know I do.

"Spring Break for Hitler"
Thanksgiving Break is always ruined for me by the awkward horror that is Thanksgiving. Even the long break between fall and winter semesters have been marred by the sense of social obligation stemming from Christmas and New Year's.

But I've never had a bad spring break.

Freshman year, I went to New York City. Sophomore year, I rediscovered Black Panther, sparking a cultural awakening that continues to this day. And last year was great for reasons I won't go into right now.

I can't say I have high hopes for my last spring break, but that's why it can't possibly disappoint. Yesterday, I went to my little sister's soccer game, hit the Borders briefly, fell asleep in the living room, and went to the movies with half my roommates. My mom likes my columns, except for the one about Turman because kids being eaten is such a shame. Oh, and the Wedding Singer was on. I watched that movie everyday for a week my Junior year. Blockbuster had this deal going where every time you rented a movie, you'd get a deal for another free rental, and I just get renting it over and over again until the words "You know it's true, Robbie and Julia ha-ha" were burned into my soul to the point they make me choke up a bit.

Ain't life great?

"The Hudsucker Spidey"
It seems that I can never forgive Kate Hudson: She turned down the role of Mary Jane Watson in Spider-Man.

And before anyone tries to rush to her defense claiming that she's probably really selective about the roles she takes, let's remember that she was in Alex and Emma... a film in which she delivers a line that makes a disparaging remark about comic book writers.

I'm not crazy. I know she's an actress. I don't plan on writing her angry letters. It's just that I can no longer maintain any type of fantasy ideal of this woman in which she understands what I'm about, and I've wasted enough time with people who've dismissed me somewhat out of hand.

I just don't want to stroke those eyebrows anymore.

"I'm a Broken Toy for a Lonely Girl"
I've rediscovered hearts on the old Clark-computer, which still runs Windows 95, and makes this constant winding sound now. I used to play it all the time in high school, losing hand after hand to Spider-Man, Daredevil, and Deadpool. I've changed their names, but I still can't win. I'm always trying to shoot the moon, and I don't really know how to play, but I can keep going for hours...

"Once and For All"
I thought "Full Circle" would never end.

"The Right Stuff"
I like to eat the tops off of two double-stuffed oreos, then stack them together and make quadrupel-stuffed oreos. You can't make me feel any shame about it, either.

I really like you, Mary Svevo...