seaside gusts of wind,
and a house in which we don't live...
perhaps there is someone in this world to whom I could send all these lines

- Anna Akhmatova

"Mary, Mary Quite Contrary"
The craziest thing happened to me today. I went to a barber shop and they actually gave me a haircut. I am so overjoyed, I can even forgive them that I hate what they've done to my funky follicles: I am a black Forrest Gump.

My mother loves the new 'do. I look like this old picture of my father from when they made him a major and he wasn't wearing glasses for some reason. Mom and I were talking about old TV reruns the other day, and she said Dad had what she described as the rather annoying habit of being able to identify Star Trek and Bewitched episodes within the first ten seconds. I felt oddly close to the old man in that moment. I can't tell you why.

I've been meaning to e-mail him to tell him about my whole graduating from college thing, but I never really know how to write something like that. To be honest, I just want my father to think that I've grown up somewhat over the last ten years or so, because, as you may recall, I spent that year with him in Montana spazzing out and spouting dialogue from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective every five minutes.

How would you tell your father that you're still the wacky geek who loses it over Jim Carrey movies?

"The Virgin Mary"
Things I Still Have Yet to Do (that aren't so obvious):
1) Beat my namesake in chess fair and square
2) See Titanic
3) Eat a waffle at Mark Twain Market
4) Submit a piece for publication
5) Spend $100 at Rock Bottom Comics in one trip
6) Give back that book I borrowed
7) Get Jones drunk and puking
8) Return to The Pinnacles
9) Pay the phone bill
10) Procure that crucial Spider-Man costume

"Bloody Mary"
I almost died.

It wasn't going to be one of those nice, quiet deaths either. It would have been hard and bloody. But you know what's weird? It took me a couple of minutes to realize that grave peril had brushed past me, and that made me wonder how often this type of thing happens and I don't notice.

Maybe we all almost die everyday.

"The Queen Mary"
(indistinct)

"Last Dance With Mary Jane"
Actually, I think that title might be cheating. And I don't want to get my Dunsts (Dunstes? Dunstae?) all fouled up.

Forget it!

"Hail Mary"
Okay. That's better. So anyway, there's a time and place for grammar and I really wish that we...

Hey, wait a minute! Hail Mary?! I've fallen for the oldest papist trick in the apocrypha! All those bawdy protestants are probably flipping their Luther-loving wigs right about now...

What was I saying?

"Mary Had a Little Lamb"
I'm feeling a little cheated these days.

Truth be told (indirectly), I feel like my lexicon has been somewhat co-opted, but then again, when you express yourself in piecemeal patches of pop culture, that's bound to happen, isn't it? Besides, that's not the heart of the matter.

There's only one person who'd understand, and I can't reach them.

Merrily, merrily, merrily...

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