Most people spend their lives trying to figure out who they are. Mine's about keeping it a secret.
- Spider-Man: The New Animated Series

"Am I Not Supposed to Have What I Want?"
Why am I such a doofus? It's not a genetic thing, is it? It couldn't be. I don't know how far the Human Genome Project has gotten along, but I'm sure there's still no indication that there's a Doofus Gene, is there? Besides, my parents aren't doofuses (wait, "doofi"?) My stepfather's kind of a doofus, but that's neither here nor there in the whole doofus-as-a-gentic-trait debate. Maybe the doofus thing skips a generation, like baldness. My grandparents could have been doofi, but I doubt it somehow.

Then it's my choice to be a doofus, right? I must wake up every morning and say to myself, "Hey, Mr. Happy Pants Panther," -- yes, that's what I call myself in the morning -- "don't forget: never ever step on anybody's toes, and whatever you do, don't have any fun."

Wait... never step on anybody's toes? I step on toes all the time. Ask anyone of my roommates or those poor girls I tried to date... they'll tell you. Agh. What's wrong with me...?

I wish I was elsewhere. Let's leave it at that.