Everybody loves a hero. People line up for them. Cheer them. Scream their names. And years later, they'll tell how they stood in the rain for hours just to get a glimpse of the one who taught them to hold on for just a second longer...
- Spider-Man 2: Electric-Eight-Armed Boogaloo

We're down to ten days and counting on Spider-Man 2, people, so in my continuing gear up for what may very well be the greatest disappointment of my life -- I swear, if it's actually worse than the first movie, I may actually kill myself -- and because I haven't posted a Spidey-related pick in, like, a week, today, Keep the Duck From the Door presents you with a special little treat.

As you are no doubt aware by now, I like wringing powerful life lessons from popular culture and writing about them on my blog. And while sometimes it's like squeezing blood from a stone, somehow, I make it work and it keeps me up and running. I think it's because I live my life in such a manner that the only lessons I can really learn are stuff like "If the TV's fuzzy, check to make sure the cable hasn't gotten unscrewed," or "When buying a CD, always look it over really well to see if there's any cracks in the casing," and the like. Practical advice to be sure, but not the type of thing that makes one "deep".

With that in mind, here comes...

"37 Life Lessons Learned from Watching Spider-Man"

1) Love is never having to say "You're perfect." Let's face it. Spider-Man isn't Citizen Cain in Tights. It's not a great flick by any stretch of the imagination, but I love it, warts and all. And at the end of the day, sticking through the horrible bits -- like the hospital scene and Mary Jane's little speech at the end before she delivers that power house "Only your friend, Peter Parker?" or Norman Osborn crawling on the floor -- and still knowing you can keep this movie in the depth of your heart of hearts, that's love. Very simply. Very truly.

2) Web fluid happens. Let's say you wake up one morning and you don't need your glasses anymore and your ripped like mad. Don't question it. Just go to school. This stuff just happens sometimes.

3) Slander’s spoken. In print, it’s libel.

4) We are who we choose to be. Nature vs. nurture isn't even part of the equation. It's neither fate nor destiny that guides us. It's all about choice. So choose.

5) Don't hunch. Stand tall in the storm, damn it.

6) Spidey-sense never beats a folding chair. Sometimes you don't see something coming until it's too late.

7) Roll with the punches. When the bad mojo goes down, sometimes you just got to let go and go with it. And maybe you can catch that cable.

8) It takes a bustling metropolis to beat a supervillain. Two heads are better than one. A bridgeful of angry New Yorkers is better than one dangling dork in a silly costume.

9) Kiss in the rain. Even if you only do it once.

10) Even scuzzballs can have some integrity. When the Goblin comes a-calling, demanding to know who takes the pictures of Spider-Man, J. Jonah Jameson doesn't give him Peter Parker's name, even though he's standing in the room. If he can keep the stones to do the right thing, there's hope for us all.

11) Despite everything you've done for them, eventually they will hate you. Don't do anything because you want to be liked. Do it because you believe in it, 'cause like the song goes, "Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behing. The race is long. And in the end, it's only with yourself."

12) The cunning warrior attacks neither body nor mind.

13) No one gets it done like Danny Elfman.

14) Life isn’t multiple choice. Yes, life is about the choices we make, but rarely are we limited to the few options people present us with. It's not always A, B, C, or D. Sometimes, it's all of the above. Sometimes it's just B and D, and sometimes the answer's that E no one else considered.

15) You can always be in the neighborhood. Even if you've got to take a couple of trains and a bus to get there, you're never too far away from the people you love.

16) Betrayal must not be countenanced, but perhaps it should be every once in a while.

17) Be careful who you're turn into. Sometimes it's the little choices that make up the big choices that make up who we are. make those little choices with care.

18) If your boss is a jerk, just deal.

19) Always read the fine print. If Peter'd remember to keep that fight with Bonesaw McGraw going for two more minutes, Uncle Ben'd still be alive. Think about that.

20) Channel your rage. Sometimes you're going to get mad. Don't bottle it up. Funnel it into something productive. And grap that trident by the prongs!

21) Every story worth telling is all about a girl.

22) You never know when some lunatic will come along with a sadistic choice. Those are the moments you learn who you are and what you can do.

23) Breaking glass is evil. Seriously, what was Osborn's deal in that movie? He had some pathological need to shatter bottles, glasses, and windows in that flick. None of it seemed necessary. Watch it again. You'll see what I mean.

24) Chad Kroeger sucks. But they had The Strokes and Pete Yorn on that soundtrack and Macy Gray, too. And that Bleu song ain't too bad either. But I'm sorry to say, "Vindicated" is burned into my soul at this point.

25) Watch out for those streetlamps.

26) High school girls are fickle. But they grow out of it eventually. Sometimes.

27) Respect your elders. Don't you just love that sweet old Aunt May?

28) There's no God. If an old woman can't pray without her house getting blown all to fuck, then what argument could possibly be made for a benevolent force of good having created the universe? (Yeah, I know it's a stretch, but I'm running out of ideas here.)

29) All brilliant men are slobs. Take that, tidy folk!

30) Make a move. He who hesitates loses his dream girl to his smarmy richboy roommate.

31) There is a God. I just remembered, Uncle Ben's first line is "And the Lord said 'Let there be light,' and there was. Sixty soft-glowing watts of it." And Uncle Ben is never wrong.

32) Follow the cold shiver running down your spine. You know, in case you ever forget where your ass is.

33) There are some things you can't tell anybody. Ever.

34) Love really isn't all you need. But it's a pretty good start sometimes.

35) God is dead. Wait. Maybe Ben was subtly trying to tell us that he is God, because he was screwing in the lightbulb. Makes perfect sense to me. But if that's true, that means that God got gut shot by some punk robber. Bummer.

36) I need to get out more. If my repeated viewings of Spider-Man have taught me anything, it's that.

37) With great power comes great responsibility. Is it cornball? Yes. Has it been repeated to the point that it sounds like the punchline to some longstanding joke? You betch ya. But isn't it true? Doesn't it sum up the worth of civic duty, as well as the complicated impications of same? And would the world be in the state that it's in if each of us gave these words due consideration?

And if I had considered this, would I be wasting my time and yours with all this?