I write these stupid words
And I love every one
Waiting there for me
Yes I do, I do
- Weezer, "In the Garage"

"Geek Philosophy"
I'm a geek. I got glasses in the third grade, by which point I still hadn't gotten the lust for sports that's supposed to be socialized into a young lad at that age, because Mom wasn't much of a fan and there was a library just up the block. When I discovered comic books in the eighth grade, it was all over... or so it seemed.

I realize now that I'm to blame for my general geekery. Nobody forced me to go to the comic book store every Wednesday. No one made me watch the Dawson's Creek. No event was so particularly traumatizing it made me too shy to just ask a girl out. It was all my choice, and now I'm starting to wonder if I chose poorly.

Don't get me wrong, I think being a geek is the only way to go after high school. You don't want to be one of those losers who goes through college convinced there's still a "cool crowd" to be a part of -- you know, like most of your greek freaks and theatre majors. If anything, I don't think I geeked it up right.

Why wasn't I a computer geek? This is the information age! The computer geek is king! As it is, I know just enough html to put post-it notes and Spider-Man covers on my blog. I've got the barest knowledge of Microsoft Excel (and by that, I mean I could write in the Desk Log without fucking it up too horribly) and Power Point is a mystery to me. I'm useless!

And what about the movies? There was a time in my life in which I thought I might truly have the makings of a good film geek, but I can no longer willfully participate in the bullshit build-up of the indie-film scene. Self-important self-indulgence made on the cheap ain't necessarily art. There. I said it. It had to be said. But honestly, I think it's my love for Spider-Man and Bubble Boy that did me in. These movies aren't great. They aren't innovative or groundbreaking. But I love them, and I'm not ashamed. Which is great for Clark the Guy, but death for Clark the Film Geek. What kills me about this is I know that Dawson Leery -- fictional though he may be -- would be so disappointed. Probably about as disappointed as I was by the last two seasons of his show.

I'm not a music geek either. Like I said, I love music, but I hate concerts. Hate 'em. And that seems to be pretty central to the hipster experience. I imagine being able to recognize a Beatles song when I heard one would be pretty important, too, and I'm still not sure I can do that. I bought the Shrek 2 soundtrack for petesake. I'm a total lost cause.

I'm not a video game geek either, because the only game I really like to play is Smash Brothers. i could never get a job at Slackers. (I only mention this, because last night I dreamt that I did get a job at Slackers, and I fucked up opening the store so bad there was actually a riot and I was lucky to get out alive.)

What really chafes that sensitive area between the base of my scrotum and the beginning of my inner thigh, however, is the fact that after four-years of Daredevil English study, I'm still not a lit geek. I've never read Kerouac. Purple took my appreciation for (post-)modern poetry -- as far as I'm concerned, lack of rhyme shows lack of effort for the most part, but I can think of poems that don't rhyme that I love. (Maybe I just don't like bad poetry... but who doesn't dislike bad poetry? I'm losing my point.) I still haven't read Catch 22. I think Ayn Rand's a bitch and I have no idea why. I haven't read Atlas Shrugged, but I once sat in on a discussion of The Fountainhead during this student council exchange day in high school. When you ask me who my favorite author is, I wrack my brain for a full minute trying to think of someone who doesn't write the funny books, and then I say Michael Chabon because he won a Pulitizer for a novel about people who make comic books. I don't even like analyzing books... or at least, I don't like discussing my analysis of books. Everything I come up with seems so obvious. I've grown to despise pretense.

No, in the hallowed halls of geekdom, I'm in the sub-basement with the rest of the comic book geeks. Computer geek, lit geek, hipster... if this type of geekery doesn't get you money, at least it gets you some kind of status. There's neither money nor power to be found in being a comic geek. You're just another loser! And what kills me is that I'm not even that good a comic book geek. My interest in DC characters has all but vanished. Besides Fables, I don't even pick up Vertigo books anymore (though I really should keep up with Y: The Last Man. I'm a total Marvel Zombie now, and I'm not one of those guys with a encyclopedic knowledge of continuity. I don't know every knook and cranny of Avengers history. I don't even know the broadstrokes. I feel nothing for the X-Men. Nothing! And you'd think I could at least consider myself the master of the Spider-Man universe, but I don't think I care for the "character" of Carnage nearly enough for the average Spider-Fan's taste, and I cut my comic teeth on the clone saga.

So basically, I got the short end of the stick again. I'm a geek, but I don't get any of the good stuff that comes with that. I still don't even pass muster (yellow!) within the legion of geeks. I'm the loser's loser.

"Oh! Sweet Nuthin'"
You ever get the feeling that you've got nothing left that belongs to you and you alone?

"The Big Cosmic Question"
The Missouri Scholars Academy has come to town, I saw the dean of students from good old O'Hara High at the bookstore today, I can't find Tin-Tin to save my life, we've got three different kinds of chips, I completely missed the Superman festival, and everyone wants to know when I'm rushing off to the great big nothing waiting for me out in the Garden State. All of which has me asking that one big question:

Shouldn't I be bumming around Europe right now, really getting to know myself?