"All right," said Deep Thought. "The Answer to the Great Question..."
"Yes...!"
"Is..." said Deep Thought, and paused.
"Yes...!"
"Is..."
"Yes...!!...?"
"Forty-two," said Deep Thought, with infinite majesty and calm.
- Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
"The Answers Few Seek"
This sucks. There's so much I could ramble on about today.
I could bore you with tales of some of the zany one liners I've been dropping at Target over the last couple of days. (For example, when my boss was telling us that one of the customers had been hitting on her in full view of his wife and child, and I said, "It wasn't my dad, was it?")
I could respond to the suggestion that some of you have made regarding, Prowler #4. (I agree, a major heist on a SHIELD evidence depot would certainly raise the stakes. Plus, it's not like a guy breaks into a place like that and says, "Screw Dr. Doom's Time Platform and that nuclear bomb that Doctor Octopus cobbled together. I'm just gonna take this anti-gravity harness, and that's it. Who wants Crimson Dynamo's armor anyway?" However, as impressive as a villain with all of that stuff might be, don't you think he's been built up into too much of a threat? Keep in mind, the Prowler doesn't have super-powers. Heck, he's barely a brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. Let's have him face threats that seem up to his speed. Besides, if a guy cleans out a hanger full of the most dangerous weapons in the Marvel U, I figure the Avengers are gonna want to get involved, and I'd like to keep Wolverine out of my book for as long as possible.)
Or I could just tell you the sad story of how I woke up this morning and discovered that the girl of my dreams was already gone.
But no. You don't want to hear about any of that, do you? You just want to see the answers to that stupid test.
I was going to post these last night at 9 PM (EST), because I said you had until the end of Smallville to turn them in. Then I realized that it was only 6 on the West Coast, and Smallville still hadn't aired there. And since there are one or two blog fans in the Pacific Time Zone, I figured I'd give them their fair chance to turn in an answer sheet at the last minute (it's the least I owe to My Man Woodward).
So of course, there were no last minute answers from the West Side.
There were four brave young souls who dared to make their way through 69 questions posed by a megalomaniacal asshole in love with the cadence of his own words. Kate and Caleb, of course, and Adam and Will. Who won? Who lost? Who stepped forth to pull a surprising upset? Who fell apart when it really counted? How will all of them be rewarded? I'll get to all that in a moment.
But first, the answers...
1) "Floating in a Most Peculiar Way" is the most recent title for this blog. It was not the first, and it won't be the last. Below is the list of previous titles. Put them in the order in which they've been used.
b) "I Got Up On a Horse Named Crazy Jimmy"
a) "Dear God, Whose Name I Do Not Know..."
c) "This is Your Life Now. This is Adult Swim"
e) "Keep the Duck from the Door"
d) "Everything's Fine in Spideyville"
[CLARK'S NOTE: Nobody got this one right. Nobody. Of all the questions I asked, I thought this was the fairest. Sure, you can't look this up too easily, but if you've been reading the blog from the beginning, it seems like the type of thing you might remember. I don't know. Maybe I'm nuts.]
2) Which of the following authors has never provided a quote that's been used as a title for this blog?
a) Joe Kelly [CLARK'S NOTE: Surprising, no?]
b) Brian Michael Bendis [CLARK'S NOTE: Contributed "This Is Your Life Now. This is Adult Swim."]
c) Paul Jenkins [CLARK'S NOTE: Contributed "Everything's Fine in Spideyville."]
d) John Patrick Shanley [CLARK'S NOTE: Writer/Director of Joe vs. the Volcano from which I culled "Dear God, Whose Name I Do Not Know."]
e) David Bowie [CLARK'S NOTE: Contributed "Floating in a Most Peculiar Way."]
3) Which of the following actors has NOT been mentioned as a possible guest star on "Tobey & Clark"?
a) Leonardo DiCaprio
b) Tom Welling
c) Gwneth Paltrow
d) Dakota Fanning
e) Kate Jeffries
[CLARK'S NOTE: Jacobs was the only one who got this one right.]
4) What is the true identity of the Sensational Sucka-Man?
a) Robbie Robinson
b) Rufus Robinson
c) Reggie Robinson
d) Richard Robinson
e) Ray Robinson
[CLARK'S NOTE: Maybe this wasn't so fair a question since it required you to have read my short story, but hey. It's linked.]
5) True or false: Every blog entry has started with a quote. [CLARK'S NOTE: The pilot episode of Tobey and Clark doesn't start with a quote, as I figured that the lyrics to the opening song would count. Also, for some reason, I posted the 12-26-2004 entry, "We Killed Jerry Orbach" before I found a suitable opener, as well as 2-08-2004's "The Chronicles of Lenarnia". And lest we forget "The Secret Origin of Clark"?]
6) How many times did Clark see Spider-Man in theatres?
a) 5
b) 6
c) 7
d) 8
e) 9
[CLARK'S NOTE: Only Will got this one right.]
7) What book was Clark supposed to be reading the night he created Clarky Clarkington III?
a) George Orwell, 1984
b) Chaim Potok, The Chosen
c) John Steinbeck, The Grapes of Wrath
d) David Gusterson, Snow Falling on Cedars
e) Zora Neale Hurston, Their Eyes Were Watching God
[CLARK'S NOTE: This was one of those questions that only Kate and Prewitt got right.]
8) What is the name of Clark's Smallville spec script?
a) "J'onzz"
b) "Manhunt"
c) "Strange Visitor"
d) "Life on Mars?"
e) what the hell are you talking about?
9) Which of the following Little Black Duck characters was NOT a proposed member of Batman's Avengers?
a) Karl Bloomsday
b) Dildo the Drunken Monkey
c) Erin Turtle
d) Albert Einstein
e) Tin [CLARK'S NOTE: Only Jacobs seemed to remember that Tin would have been in many ways, the Avengers' greatest enemy, as they were supposed to fight an army of Tin duplicates. Either that, or only Jacobs guessed this one right.]
10) At which comic book company did Clark apply to be an assistant editor?
a) Marvel
b) DC
c) Wizard
d) Top Cow
e) Dark Horse
[CLARK'S NOTE: Most people put down Marvel, where I tried to be an intern. Only Caleb got this one right. This was probably one of many questions that he got right purely due to the fact that he knows comics. At the same time, however, I did write an entire entry in which I wrote nine cover letters that started "Dear DC Comics"...]
11) What is Clark's favorite line from Spider-Man?
a) "With great power comes great responsibility." [CLARK'S NOTE: Sure, I try to live by this little adage, but this isn't really so much a line from the movie, as it predates the flick by, oh, at least 40 years.]
b) "Godspeed, Spider-Man." [CLARK'S NOTE: Going by how often I repeat this line in the company of certain FARCers, it might seem like the clear choice. However, going off of what's actually been written on this blog, I've referenced it, like, once.]
c) "Only your friend, Peter Parker?" [CLARK'S NOTE: Wrote a lengthy meditation about this.
d) "You're the one who's out, Gobby..." [CLARK'S NOTE: Won't even dignify this shit...]
e) "Who am I? I'm Spider-Man."
[CLARK'S NOTE: No one really got this one right. I gave Kate half a point on this one, because her answer was "A, though you mention C a lot." I think it should be noted that while Adam and Will turned in fairly straight forward answer sheets, both Kate and Prewitt did a lot of "BLANK, but it could be BLANK." What wishy-washy bastards. However, this was the only case in which a secondary answer was correct, as they usually got it right the first time.]
12) What is Clark's favorite issue of Joe Kelly's run on Action Comics?
a) Action Comics #761: "For a Thousand Years..." [CLARK'S NOTE: I think this is one of the toughest questions on the test, because I've never straight out said "This is my favorite issue of Kelly's run. However, this is the issue FANBOY has signed in the obligatory scene of "Little Brown Boy Blues" so I figured it could be inferred.]
b) Action Comics #764: "Quiet After the Storm"
c) Action Comics #775: "What's So Funny 'Bout Truth, Justice, and the American Way?"
d) Action Comics #784: "The Gift"
e) Action Comics #800: "A Hero's Journey"
13) Which Hollywood starlet would have become Mrs. Clark according to the "Tobey & Clark" prospectus?
a) Kate Hudson
b) Alexis Bledel
c) Katie Holmes
d) Maggie Gyllenhaal
e) Kirsten Dunst
[CLARK'S NOTE: No one got this one, either. In fact, most of the Hollywood starlets of "Tobey & Clark" questions proved difficult for testees, which makes me glad that I didn't go ahead with the "Which Hollywood starlet would have been Clark's true love in "Tobey & Clark," since my original plan had been for a Clark-Dunst-Holmes love triangle -- where Katie loves Clark but he's trapped in a loveless, sex-based marriage with Dunst -- but I later decided to switch Alexis Bledel for Katie Holmes since we're all the same age. Figured that might be confusing. Don't know why...]
14) Royal Tenenbaums : Arrested Development :: Rushmore : ????
a) The OC
b) Dawson's Creek [CLARK'S NOTE: I made this analogy in "The Life Aquatic with Thaddeus Venture" thinking it a particularly bold statement that certain film buffs would rail against. Nobody did. Hell, nobody seems to have remembered it, as no one got this right.]
c) Two Guys, A Girl, and a Pizza Place
d) Venture Bros.
e) Ed [CLARK'S NOTE: Kate guessed Ed, stating that this was "clearly a trick". I still have no idea what she meant by that.]
15) On which night is The Rum Bandit most likely to strike?
a) Monday
b) Tuesday [CLARK'S NOTE: That's when Granny has her weekly Mary Kay meeting, remember?]
c) Wednesday
d) Thursday
e) Friday
16) In which Montana town does "The Secret Origin of Clark" take place?
a) Billings
b) Helena
c) Great Falls
d) Missoula
e) Butte
[CLARK'S NOTE: Another one that no one got right. Most people guessed Billings. Only Kate guessed Missoula, which I really wish was the answer only because I think it would have been cool if I'd first become Clark in Missoula, only to become him once more in Mizzou.]
17) "What If the Amazing Spider-Man was Black?" is...
a) The Third Short Story by L. F. Clark
b) The Fourth Short Story by L. F. Clark
c) The Fifth Short Story by L. F. Clark
d) The Sixth Short Story by L. F. Clark
e) The Seventh Short Story by L. F. Clark
[CLARK'S NOTE: Will was the only one who got this right. I'm not sure if he knew this, guessed it, or deduced it with his working knowledge of the creative writing major. To be honest, I didn't know the answer to this question when I came up with it, I just remembered that I'd put it down somewhere on the blog.]
18) Which is Clark's favorite Wilson brother?
a) Luke
b) Owen
c) Andrew
d) Sam
e) Wade
[CLARK'S NOTE: Only Will got this one right. I have publicly stated that I used to prefer Luke, but now like Owen more, and consider this to be a sign of maturity. And yet, Luke was the popular choice. Prewitt picked "Wade," as "Wade Wilson" is the secret identity of Deadpool (actually, it isn't, but that's a little too complicated to get into) and he figured that I liked Deadpool way more than I liked I-Spy. Which is true, but the question is "Which is Clark's favorite Wilson brother?" not "Which guy with the name Wilson does Clark like more?" Hey, I figured that there were several questions Caleb would get right simply from having read comics. This is the one where that very knowledge worked against him.]
19) What is the theme song to "Tobey & Clark"?
a) Ben Folds Five, "Evaporated"
b) William Shatner, "Real"
c) Jet, "Hold On"
d) Wilco, "Theologians"
e) Electric Light Orchestra, "Mr. Blue Sky"
[CLARK'S NOTE: Will was the only one who got this one.]
20) What city has Clark always wanted to run away to?
a) Metropolis, Illinois
b) Pella, Iowa
c) Forest Hills, Queens
d) Teaneck, New Jersey
e) Hollywood, California
[CLARK'S NOTE: This was a question I wrote with Woodward in mind. Since he didn't turn in an answer sheet, nobody got this one right. Most people guessed Metropolis, Illinois, despite the fact that I've never written about Metropolis, ever... Okay. Maybe once. But I've mentioned the tiny Dutch settlement of Pella on a number of occasions, I swear.]
21) How many times did Clark see Spider-Man 2 in theaters?
a) 5
b) 6
c) 7
d) 8
e) 9
[CLARK'S NOTE: Kate was the only one who missed this, which I find disappointing since part of the reason I saw the movie 8 times was so that I would have spent more time in a theater watching this movie than she spent in a theatre watching Titanic so I could "put her in her place" by proving I love Spider-Man 2 more than she loves Titanic. So of course, she didn't even notice. But considering her guess was "7", maybe she's just living in denial...]
22) Which of the following bloggers did NOT have a link to their blog during the celebrated Post-It Note era?
a) Caleb [CLARK'S NOTE: Though clearly, I had one at the ready should it ever be necessary]
b) Mel
c) Jacobs
d) Will
e) J-Dub
23) When is Brick Day?
a) February 25
b) April 13
c) September 1
d) October 14
e) December 26
[CLARK'S NOTE: "Six AM, day after Christmas..." This is almost more of a Ben Folds Five question than a L. Clark's Blog question. And if that's the case, Prewitt's the only Ben Folds Fivespotter in the house.]
24) Which episode of Seinfeld truly made Clark a Seinfeld fan?
a) "The Contest"
b) "The Opposite" [CLARK'S NOTE: Jacobs guessed this one, and I have to say, it's a pretty good pick. This was one of my early Seinfeld episodes, and it remains on of my favorites.]
c) "The Race"
d) "The Junior Mint" [CLARK'S NOTE: As explained in "The Secret Origin of Clark", making the Dolores - clitoris connection is the closest thing I'll have to a bar mitzvah]
e) "The Betrayal"
25) When did Clark first come up with the idea of doing a Prowler series for Marvel?
a) while running
b) while shampooing a carpet
c) while watching Training Day
d) when he saw a picture of TV on the Radio
e) what the hell are you talking about?
[CLARK'S NOTE: Only Kate got this one right. While a picture of TV on the Radio helped inform my current Prowler concept and I came up with the pivotal scene of issue #2 ("Ultimate Negro Team-Up," which is inspired by Training Day) while running, I first thought about doing a Prowler series during the summer I was working as a janitor for Columbia Public Schools.]
26) Which song did Duk-El of Krypton want to use in a Smallville-based music video?
a) Radiohead, "Sail to the Moon" [CLARK'S NOTE: A popular choice, which is weird because, while I have this album, I don't remember this song at all, and picked it because the title sounded vaguely plausible.]
b) Foo Fighters, "Next Year"
c) Ben Folds Five, "Air"
d) Wilco, "Airline to Heaven"
e) what the hell are you talking about?
[CLARK'S NOTE: Only Jacobs got this one right.]
27) Which of the following items was NOT part of Clark's "pile of junk to bring happiness", but probably should have been?
a) a pair of overalls
b) a bike
c) a bag of double-stuft oreos
d) a new pair of glasses
e) what the hell are you talking about?
[CLARK'S NOTE: You know how some teachers will throw a question out if enough people don't get it right? I thought about doing that with all of the questions that nobody got right... until I discovered that nobody got this one right. Here's the thing: the post that contains this information directly proceeds the post that contains the test. All anybody had to do was scroll down and spend three or four minutes looking it over. The fact that nobody bothered to do so -- in fact, Prewitt made special note of the ease with which he could have looked this one up, as well as his refusal to do so "on general principle" -- led me toward a more "fuck you guys" kind of philosophy about the whole thing.]
28) Put the following books from the Little Black Duck series in chronological order (ignoring the time-trotting nature of Time Quack which should technically place it first and last, alpha & omega).
c) The Unhappy Duckling
e) For All the Laughter That Lies Ahead
a) Duck Days of Summer
d) Time Quack
b) Along Came a Spider
[CLARK'S NOTE: Actually, now that I think about it, I eventually decided that "For All the Laughter That Lies Ahead" takes place concurrently with "Time Quack," but this is the order I listed them in "The Death of the Little Black Duck". Besides, it's not like this mattered. Hell, the only testees who even remembered that "The Unhappy Duckling" was the first book were Adam and Will, which I found ironic considering the fact that I'm pretty sure they've never had a chance to read a Little Black Duck Tale, while Kate and Caleb have actually read "The Unhappy Duckling".]
29) Name the restaurant in front of which Stan Lee gets shot in the pilot episode of Tobey & Clark.
a) Golden Lion
b) Golden Tiger
c) Golden Dragon
d) Golden Spider
e) what the hell are you talking about?
[CLARK'S NOTE: Yeah. This is a pretty tough one. Prewitt got it right, but we all know it was just a lucky guess.]
30) Clark watches a lot of cartoons. Which one has he never mentioned being a fan of?
a) Recess
b) Fillmore!
c) Teen Titans
d) Spongebob Squarepants
e) Samurai Jack
[CLARK'S NOTE: This was one of two questions that everybody got right.]
31) What will Clark never forgive Kate Hudson for?
a) Alex & Emma
b) Almost Famous
c) Gossip
d) How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days [CLARK'S NOTE: Comics... on the bathroom floor. Oh the super-humanity!]
e) Le Divorce
32) True or false: Clark has written an entry based on the title of every episode of Ed. [CLARK'S NOTE: Everybody missed this one. I did back to back entries for the first three seasons of Ed, but I didn't get around to doing season four, because I never really accepted the fact that there was a season four.]
33) Which of the following comic book icons was NOT set to appear in a Little Black Duck story before Clark quit uni-ball pens cold turkey?
a) The Incredible Hulk [CLARK'S NOTE: Was going to be the Avengers' secret weapon.]
b) Wolverine [CLARK'S NOTE: Was going to pop up when the Avengers returned from space and start dating Erin Turtle.
c) John Constanine [CLARK'S NOTE: Was going to explain that Penny and the Duck's house was haunted.]
d) The Thing
e) Doctor Strange [CLARK'S NOTE: Would have broken the mystical seal on the Haunted House of Blood.]
34) In the Little Black Duck universe, the Black Panther is actually...
a) The Little Black Duck from the future
b) A clone of the Little Black Duck
c) The Little Black Duck from an alternate universe
d) A clone of the Little Black Duck from the future
e) A clone of the Little Black Duck from the future of an alternate universe
[CLARK'S NOTE: Only Will got this one right. "E" was a popular choice because, as Caleb put it, "that's the most ridiculous, and let's face it, that was a pretty ridiculous situation".]
35) Clark has regaled us with many tales of his odd jobs over the last two years. Where has he NOT worked during the tenure of this blog?
a) Target
b) Worlds of Fun
c) Columbia Public Library [CLARK'S NOTE: I got fired from that job well before I started blogging.]
d) Campus Dining Service
e) McDavid Front Desk
36) Which Hollywood starlet takes Clark's "man flower" in the pilot episode of Tobey & Clark?
a) Kate Hudson
b) Alexis Bledel
c) Katie Holmes
d) Maggie Gyllenhaal [CLARK'S NOTE: It's not an inciting incident in the typical McKee style, but it's the best I got. Hell, it's the crux of the whole episode! Tobey's hungry cause he's worn out from all the sex. Jake swears revenge on them because they tag-teamed his sister.]
e) Kirsten Dunst
37) The longest living Clark family pet was a cat. What was its name?
a) Mookie [CLARK'S NOTE: Only Caleb and Kate got this right. They're also the only ones who've been to my house, which may have a little something to do with it.]
b) Oliver [CLARK'S NOTE: This is our current cat, who hasn't been around half as long as Mookie was.]
c) Streaky [CLARK'S NOTE: This is actually the name of Superman's cat, the feline answer to Krypto.]
d) Crazy Legs [CLARK'S NOTE: This is the name of my dad's welsh corgy who died a few years ago.]
e) what the hell are you talking about?
38) Which Marvel Comics character is the focus of "What If the Amazing Spider-Man was Black?"
a) Spider-Man
b) The Prowler
c) Black Panther [CLARK'S NOTE: Forget the title. The first line is "You've got to save the Black Panther," and the whole backdrop of the story is the cancellation of the series.]
d) Luke Cage
e) what the hell are you talking about?
39) What's the longest period of time Clark's gone without updating his blog?
a) an hour
b) a day
c) a week
d) a month
e) a year
[CLARK'S NOTE: Only Prewitt remembered the month-long build-up to "The Secret Origin of Clark".]
40) According to an episode of Dharma and Greg, Clark is currently in his...
a) third incarnation
b) fourth incarnation [CLARK'S NOTE: Supposedly it takes seven years for your body to replace every molecule of your body. Still not sure if I buy this, but if it's true, then I've completely replaced myself three times (as have most of you) and am currently in "Clark Body #4". Prewitt got this one, too.]
c) fifth incarnation
d) sixth incarnation
e) what the hell are you talking about?
41) Clark once had a dream that Robin William was God. Who was the devil?
a) Schwartz
b) Walburn
c) Tuttle
d) Maynard
e) what the hell are you talking about?
[CLARK'S NOTE: Another one that only Caleb got right. Jacobs picked "c" like any good FIG kid would. Will's not a good FIG kid. He picked "d". Who knows why? Kate picked "e" which I think more points to the fact that she hates when people tell her about their weird dreams. I just hate that whenever you tell someone one of your dreams, it makes them remember that they had a weird dream and they usually interrupt your dream story to tell theirs.]
42) According to Clark, how many degrees do you need to turn to virtually disappear at a really crowded party?
a) 10
b) 15
c) 20
d) 25
e) 30
[CLARK'S NOTE: Only Kate got this one right. Was it a lucky guess or did she actually remember this entry? Who knows? Who cares?]
43) True or false: Clark prefers Kill Bill Vol. 2 to Vol. 1.
[CLARK'S NOTE: This is the other question that everybody got right.]
44) According to Frank Kralc, which Lenar Clark character was most likely to get a Wizard Fan Award for Best Supporting Character?
a) Brent Jones
b) Caleb Prewitt
c) Erin Tuttle
d) Kate Jeffries
e) Melissa Maynard
[CLARK'S NOTE: Only Kate got this one right, but she admitted that it was a choice made mostly by vanity. Interestingly enough, the most popular choice was "a," which I kind of take to mean that if there was a Wizard Fan Award for Best Supporting Character in Lenar Clark, Jones would win and Kate would lose.]
45) True or false: There has been a time in which Clark has posted twice in the same day.
[CLARK'S NOTE: Generally, I have a rule against doing so. Don't ask me why, I like to make these little things up. (It's why every panel of the Clarky series has narration, whether it needs it or not.) However, I posted twice on the day I switched to this template (it was required to get the comments working) and I accidentally posted twice on July 23, 2003, once at 1:40 AM and again at 11:54 PM, thinking the fact that I finished in the early hours of the next day would seperate them. I didn't realize the error until it was far too late for changing the time to have any meaning for me.]
46) According to a drunk and depressed Clark, the one question this blog is constantly asking over and over is...
a) Am I the only person in the world who's generally curious as to what the hell Jaleel White is doing these days?
b) So the fuck what?
c) Will I always be alone?
d) Am I the Ultimate Spider-Fan?
e) what the hell are you talking about?
[CLARK'S NOTE: For the record, I've decided that from now on, this blog is in fact, going to try to answer "So the fuck what?" I bet the answer's 42.]
47) The single best day of Clark's life involved...
a) Having only slept two or three hours
b) Flying a kite
c) Being drunk before five
d) Leaving Columbia
e) what the hell are you talking about?
[CLARK'S NOTE: Nobody got this one right, either. Caleb and the FIG kids guessed "a" and Kate guessed "c". I have stated that some of my best days are ones in which I'm drunk before five or have only slept two or three hours (or both), but the single best day of my life was when I flew a kite at the St. Bernadette's May Day Afternoon.]
48) If Clark ever wrote and directed a movie, he'd like the exit music (for the film) to be...
a) Radiohead, "Motion Picture Soundtrack"
b) Billy Bragg & Wilco, "Another Man Done Gone"
c) Ben Folds Five, "Lullabye"
d) Rhett Miller, "Come Around"
e) what the hell are you talking about?
[CLARK'S NOTE: This was the only time that "what the hell are you talking about?" was the answer. The real answer is Ben Folds Five, "Don't Change Your Plans". I mentioned this once before, and I think it can be inferred from the synopsis of "Little Brown Boy Blues" when I explain that this is the song that plays over the credits.]
49) What is Clark's favorite month?
a) April
b) December
c) July
d) March
e) October
50) How does Clark want to die?
a) in his sleep
b) in a snow field
c) in the throws of passion
d) in the spring of his 33rd year on a cross
e) what the hell are you talking about?
[CLARK'S NOTE: Kate and Prewitt got this right. Will guessed "c," which I guess means he thinks I'm pretty hard-up (no pun intended) and Adam guessed "d" which I guess means he thinks I'm out of my fucking mind. They're both right, just not about the question.]
51) If Clark had done a cartoon for the Maneater, he would have titled it...
a) Pseudologica Fantastica
b) Sticky Situations
c) Ducking Out
d) No Tiptoe Through the Tulips
e) Inaction Comics
[CLARK'S NOTE: The FIG kids got this right. Caleb and Kate guessed "Inaction Comics." Prewitt told me I couldn't possibly tell him that "e" was wrong. Well "e" was wrong. God, I love spite.]
52) What is Clark’s favorite constellation?
a) Orion [CLARK'S NOTE: This has long been my favorite night time companion, which is why I gave thanks for it.]
b) The Big Dipper
c) Cassiopeia
d) Osidius the Emphatic
e) Ursa Major
[CLARK'S NOTE: Nobody got this right. What's interesting about that this time, however, is that no two people picked the same wrong answer, so each wrong answer was picked by a different person. Okay. Maybe that's not so interesting...]
53) Which of the sacraments is the only one that Clark "gets"?
a) Baptism
b) Confession
c) Communion
d) Confirmation
e) Last Rites
[CLARK'S NOTE: Prewitt and Jacobs got this right, but Kate and Will picked "Last Rites." Which means they both think I'm gonna be a deathbed repenter.]
54) Whose name has Clark vowed to work into any and everything he may get published?
a) Melissa Cooper
b) Melissa Ford
c) Melissa Maynard
d) Melissa Stuvall
e) Melissa Yoder
[CLARK'S NOTE: Another one that nobody got. Kate's comment on this one was "I forgot her last name but I would've gotten the first!" Again, I have little to no idea what that means. Prewitt guessed Maynard, and asked if the others were even real. They all are, with the exception of Melissa Yoder, and now that I think about it, I really feel like I've encountered a Melissa Yoder at some point in my life. Oh, and Melissa Cooper isn't a quasi-O.C. reference. It was the name of one of my bosses at The Ocho, though everybody called her Missy.]
55) When is Joe Kelly Day?
a) February 25 [CLARK'S NOTE: The anniversary of my first blog posting.]
b) April 13 [CLARK'S NOTE: Uh, Hellboy and Uma Thurman's birthday. No it's true. Look it up. That's all this date means to me, I swear.]
c) September 1
d) October 14 [CLARK'S NOTE: At some point, Tuttle and I decided this would be our wedding day? (Shit, how fucked up were we?) I later learned that she'd already set this date up with someone else she knew before me. I will be in no way surprised if she ends up actually marrying someone on this day. It's also the first day/chapter of "Time Quack," but if I've learned anything from this whole test experience, it's that nobody cares about Little Black Duck trivia.]
e) December 26
56) What does Clark consider to be the craziest month in which he's most likely to have romantic complications?
a) April
b) December
c) July
d) March
e) October
[CLARK'S NOTE: Everybody got this except for Kate.]
57) Clark's final college paper -- the last death-defying feat of the Daredevil English Major -- was an analysis of which author's work?
a) Anne Enright
b) Joe Kelly
c) Garth Ennis [CLARK'S NOTE: I coined the term "potato western." I live a strange life indeed.]
d) Michael Chabon
e) Christopher Priest
58) On which day did Clark claim he would leave Columbia?
a) Monday
b) Tuesday [CLARK'S NOTE: 'cause everyone knows now that every Monday night now will be Clark's last night in town...]
c) Wednesday
d) Thursday
e) Friday
[CLARK'S NOTE: Everybody got this one except for Kate, too. I wonder if the fact that Kate wasn't there when I first came up with the whole "I'm leaving on Tuesday" initiative might have something to do with this? Nope. Probably not.]
59) True or false: Clark is the ultimate Spider-fan.
[CLARK'S NOTE: Will and Kate both got this wrong, which I think was really sweet of them.]
60) Which of the following is NOT a character in "Little Brown Boy Blues"?
a) Fred Jones [CLARK'S NOTE: Noah's ex-wife.]
b) Tamara Easter [CLARK'S NOTE: Noah's pregnant co-worker.]
c) Eddie Walker [CLARK'S NOTE: Noah's boss at the comic book store and the son of an adult film mogul.]
d) Morgan Davis [CLARK'S NOTE: He's the kid who wanted Noah's job.]
e) Annie Waits [CLARK'S NOTE: I thought Annie Waits as a name was a stretch, but I didn't think anybody'd heard "Amelia Bright" or "Elvin Bishop" since they're not on any albums.]
61) Which Hollywood starlet does Clark meet in a strip club in the pilot episode of "Tobey & Clark"?
a) Kate Hudson
b) Alexis Bledel
c) Katie Holmes
d) Maggie Gyllenhaal
e) Kirsten Dunst
[CLARK'S NOTE: Only Will and Adam got this right.]
62) Who was NOT set to appear in Steve Urkel: Spider-Man?
a) Lana Lang [CLARK'S NOTE: She would have been the girl next door.]
b) Rory Gilmore [CLARK'S NOTE: She would have been an intern at the Daily Bugle.]
c) Samuel Powers [CLARK'S NOTE: Also known as "Screech", he would have been Steve's class rival, and eventually would have become Venom.]
d) Joey Potter [CLARK'S NOTE: Huh. Didn't realize I had two Katie Holmes answers right next to each other until now...]
e) Penny Lane [CLARK'S NOTE: Penny would have been present during the big Avengers crossover.]
63) Who was the first to apothesize the future Mrs. Clark?
a) Schwartz
b) Walburn
c) Tuttle
d) Maynard
e) Jeffries
[CLARK'S NOTE: When in doubt, go with Walburn. I found it interesting that Kate assumed the answer was "e", although she doesn't know what apothesize means. I find it doubly interesting that she's quite right, because it isn't a real word (as opposed to, say, apotheosize).]
64) Which super villain gave Clark the most trouble while playing Spider-Man: The Movie on his sister's X-Box?
a) The Green Goblin
b) The Scorpion
c) Kraven the Hunter
d) Doctor Octopus [CLARK'S NOTE: This was the most popular answer, despite the fact that Ock's not even in the Spider-Man: The Movie game.]
e) The Shocker
65) Clark is obsessed with the career of Jaleel White. Who does he feel White should do a buddy-picture with to rehabilitate his career?
a) Tobey Maquire [CLARK'S NOTE: Prewitt pointed out that I spelled his name wrong. Speaking of wrong, Prewitt guessed this. HA! How do you like them apples, Prew-Prew?!]
b) Adam Brody
c) James Van Der Beek [CLARK'S NOTE: I suggested they be in a CBS drama together, and claimed that they could play brothers.]
d) Morgan Freeman
e) Kate Jeffries
66) In the obligatory scene of "Little Brown Boy Blues," Joe Kelly tells Noah Brown "there are things in your past that you just can't go back to... They were great and wonderful, but they're gone..." Where did Clark get this line from?
a) A Joe Kelly comic.
b) one of his professors [CLARK'S NOTE: Speer Morgan, to be exact.]
c) quoted it from an episode of Ed
d) he's not a hack; he made it up himself
e) what the hell are you talking about?
[CLARK'S NOTE: Kate was the only one to get this one right. To their credit, Will and Adam thought that I had the spark and imagination to come up with this type of profound wisdom on their own. Prewitt, of course, knew better. And it certainly sounds like the type of lesson you'd see in an episode of Ed.]
67) True or false: Clark may not be lucky with ladies, but he's lucky with cards.
[CLARK'S NOTE: I lost money on a Spider-Man slot machine. There is no luck.]
68) Which issue of Joe Kelly's run on Action Comics contributed to Clark's fear of moving to New York?
a) Action Comics #761: "For a Thousand Years..."
b) Action Comics #764: "Quiet After the Storm"
c) Action Comics #775: "What's So Funny 'Bout Truth, Justice, and the American Way?"
d) Action Comics #784: "The Gift"
e) Action Comics #800: "A Hero's Journey" [CLARK'S NOTE: Not sure how fair this one was, as it requires a bit of inference, but fuck it. There's nothing you can do to stop me.]
69) How many times has the word "anyhoozle" been used on the blog (including its use to ask this very question)?
a) 14
b) 15
c) 16
d) 17
e) 18
[CLARK'S NOTE: Will got this one right, but he did come up with the question. Caleb got this one right, too, but he clearly guessed, and he expressed some concern as to just how I or anyone could possibly know this without sitting down and checking every entry. Blogger let's you run searches on your entries with the post manager. All I had to do was enter "anyhoozle", which I did on February 10th of this year to mark the anyhoozle I used that day as number 14. Since I'd already announced the test, and Will had publicly suggested this question, I figured people could take this as a cue to keep track as time went on. Seems fair to me.]
And there you have it. Hopefully you learned something. I know I sure did. I learned I'm a self-absorbed idiot... a lesson I seem to keep learning over and over again.
Now for all those useless stats some teachers like to give people for reasons no one really understands...
The test scores ranged from 16 (out of 69) to 39 (out of 69). The average score was 25, and only one person got more questions right than they got wrong.
That was, of course, Caleb. Caleb not only won, but he won by a margin of 14 points. As far as the Jeffries-Prewitt rivalry, he won by a margin of 17.5 points.
Will beat Kate, scoring 25 points to her 21.5.
I have, however, decided that everybody's a winner. While Caleb will win the three disc set of the "Year of the Duck," with customized covers, everybody else will get a lovely parting gift: they can pick any seventeen songs they want from "Year of the Duck," which I'll burn on a single disc for them. (Please note, a William Shatner song will be put on your disc. There's no getting out of that.)
Okay. That's it. Gotta say. I'm pretty worn out...
"Yes...!"
"Is..." said Deep Thought, and paused.
"Yes...!"
"Is..."
"Yes...!!...?"
"Forty-two," said Deep Thought, with infinite majesty and calm.
- Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
"The Answers Few Seek"
This sucks. There's so much I could ramble on about today.
I could bore you with tales of some of the zany one liners I've been dropping at Target over the last couple of days. (For example, when my boss was telling us that one of the customers had been hitting on her in full view of his wife and child, and I said, "It wasn't my dad, was it?")
I could respond to the suggestion that some of you have made regarding, Prowler #4. (I agree, a major heist on a SHIELD evidence depot would certainly raise the stakes. Plus, it's not like a guy breaks into a place like that and says, "Screw Dr. Doom's Time Platform and that nuclear bomb that Doctor Octopus cobbled together. I'm just gonna take this anti-gravity harness, and that's it. Who wants Crimson Dynamo's armor anyway?" However, as impressive as a villain with all of that stuff might be, don't you think he's been built up into too much of a threat? Keep in mind, the Prowler doesn't have super-powers. Heck, he's barely a brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. Let's have him face threats that seem up to his speed. Besides, if a guy cleans out a hanger full of the most dangerous weapons in the Marvel U, I figure the Avengers are gonna want to get involved, and I'd like to keep Wolverine out of my book for as long as possible.)
Or I could just tell you the sad story of how I woke up this morning and discovered that the girl of my dreams was already gone.
But no. You don't want to hear about any of that, do you? You just want to see the answers to that stupid test.
I was going to post these last night at 9 PM (EST), because I said you had until the end of Smallville to turn them in. Then I realized that it was only 6 on the West Coast, and Smallville still hadn't aired there. And since there are one or two blog fans in the Pacific Time Zone, I figured I'd give them their fair chance to turn in an answer sheet at the last minute (it's the least I owe to My Man Woodward).
So of course, there were no last minute answers from the West Side.
There were four brave young souls who dared to make their way through 69 questions posed by a megalomaniacal asshole in love with the cadence of his own words. Kate and Caleb, of course, and Adam and Will. Who won? Who lost? Who stepped forth to pull a surprising upset? Who fell apart when it really counted? How will all of them be rewarded? I'll get to all that in a moment.
But first, the answers...
1) "Floating in a Most Peculiar Way" is the most recent title for this blog. It was not the first, and it won't be the last. Below is the list of previous titles. Put them in the order in which they've been used.
b) "I Got Up On a Horse Named Crazy Jimmy"
a) "Dear God, Whose Name I Do Not Know..."
c) "This is Your Life Now. This is Adult Swim"
e) "Keep the Duck from the Door"
d) "Everything's Fine in Spideyville"
[CLARK'S NOTE: Nobody got this one right. Nobody. Of all the questions I asked, I thought this was the fairest. Sure, you can't look this up too easily, but if you've been reading the blog from the beginning, it seems like the type of thing you might remember. I don't know. Maybe I'm nuts.]
2) Which of the following authors has never provided a quote that's been used as a title for this blog?
a) Joe Kelly [CLARK'S NOTE: Surprising, no?]
b) Brian Michael Bendis [CLARK'S NOTE: Contributed "This Is Your Life Now. This is Adult Swim."]
c) Paul Jenkins [CLARK'S NOTE: Contributed "Everything's Fine in Spideyville."]
d) John Patrick Shanley [CLARK'S NOTE: Writer/Director of Joe vs. the Volcano from which I culled "Dear God, Whose Name I Do Not Know."]
e) David Bowie [CLARK'S NOTE: Contributed "Floating in a Most Peculiar Way."]
3) Which of the following actors has NOT been mentioned as a possible guest star on "Tobey & Clark"?
a) Leonardo DiCaprio
b) Tom Welling
c) Gwneth Paltrow
d) Dakota Fanning
e) Kate Jeffries
[CLARK'S NOTE: Jacobs was the only one who got this one right.]
4) What is the true identity of the Sensational Sucka-Man?
a) Robbie Robinson
b) Rufus Robinson
c) Reggie Robinson
d) Richard Robinson
e) Ray Robinson
[CLARK'S NOTE: Maybe this wasn't so fair a question since it required you to have read my short story, but hey. It's linked.]
5) True or false: Every blog entry has started with a quote. [CLARK'S NOTE: The pilot episode of Tobey and Clark doesn't start with a quote, as I figured that the lyrics to the opening song would count. Also, for some reason, I posted the 12-26-2004 entry, "We Killed Jerry Orbach" before I found a suitable opener, as well as 2-08-2004's "The Chronicles of Lenarnia". And lest we forget "The Secret Origin of Clark"?]
6) How many times did Clark see Spider-Man in theatres?
a) 5
b) 6
c) 7
d) 8
e) 9
[CLARK'S NOTE: Only Will got this one right.]
7) What book was Clark supposed to be reading the night he created Clarky Clarkington III?
a) George Orwell, 1984
b) Chaim Potok, The Chosen
c) John Steinbeck, The Grapes of Wrath
d) David Gusterson, Snow Falling on Cedars
e) Zora Neale Hurston, Their Eyes Were Watching God
[CLARK'S NOTE: This was one of those questions that only Kate and Prewitt got right.]
8) What is the name of Clark's Smallville spec script?
a) "J'onzz"
b) "Manhunt"
c) "Strange Visitor"
d) "Life on Mars?"
e) what the hell are you talking about?
9) Which of the following Little Black Duck characters was NOT a proposed member of Batman's Avengers?
a) Karl Bloomsday
b) Dildo the Drunken Monkey
c) Erin Turtle
d) Albert Einstein
e) Tin [CLARK'S NOTE: Only Jacobs seemed to remember that Tin would have been in many ways, the Avengers' greatest enemy, as they were supposed to fight an army of Tin duplicates. Either that, or only Jacobs guessed this one right.]
10) At which comic book company did Clark apply to be an assistant editor?
a) Marvel
b) DC
c) Wizard
d) Top Cow
e) Dark Horse
[CLARK'S NOTE: Most people put down Marvel, where I tried to be an intern. Only Caleb got this one right. This was probably one of many questions that he got right purely due to the fact that he knows comics. At the same time, however, I did write an entire entry in which I wrote nine cover letters that started "Dear DC Comics"...]
11) What is Clark's favorite line from Spider-Man?
a) "With great power comes great responsibility." [CLARK'S NOTE: Sure, I try to live by this little adage, but this isn't really so much a line from the movie, as it predates the flick by, oh, at least 40 years.]
b) "Godspeed, Spider-Man." [CLARK'S NOTE: Going by how often I repeat this line in the company of certain FARCers, it might seem like the clear choice. However, going off of what's actually been written on this blog, I've referenced it, like, once.]
c) "Only your friend, Peter Parker?" [CLARK'S NOTE: Wrote a lengthy meditation about this.
d) "You're the one who's out, Gobby..." [CLARK'S NOTE: Won't even dignify this shit...]
e) "Who am I? I'm Spider-Man."
[CLARK'S NOTE: No one really got this one right. I gave Kate half a point on this one, because her answer was "A, though you mention C a lot." I think it should be noted that while Adam and Will turned in fairly straight forward answer sheets, both Kate and Prewitt did a lot of "BLANK, but it could be BLANK." What wishy-washy bastards. However, this was the only case in which a secondary answer was correct, as they usually got it right the first time.]
12) What is Clark's favorite issue of Joe Kelly's run on Action Comics?
a) Action Comics #761: "For a Thousand Years..." [CLARK'S NOTE: I think this is one of the toughest questions on the test, because I've never straight out said "This is my favorite issue of Kelly's run. However, this is the issue FANBOY has signed in the obligatory scene of "Little Brown Boy Blues" so I figured it could be inferred.]
b) Action Comics #764: "Quiet After the Storm"
c) Action Comics #775: "What's So Funny 'Bout Truth, Justice, and the American Way?"
d) Action Comics #784: "The Gift"
e) Action Comics #800: "A Hero's Journey"
13) Which Hollywood starlet would have become Mrs. Clark according to the "Tobey & Clark" prospectus?
a) Kate Hudson
b) Alexis Bledel
c) Katie Holmes
d) Maggie Gyllenhaal
e) Kirsten Dunst
[CLARK'S NOTE: No one got this one, either. In fact, most of the Hollywood starlets of "Tobey & Clark" questions proved difficult for testees, which makes me glad that I didn't go ahead with the "Which Hollywood starlet would have been Clark's true love in "Tobey & Clark," since my original plan had been for a Clark-Dunst-Holmes love triangle -- where Katie loves Clark but he's trapped in a loveless, sex-based marriage with Dunst -- but I later decided to switch Alexis Bledel for Katie Holmes since we're all the same age. Figured that might be confusing. Don't know why...]
14) Royal Tenenbaums : Arrested Development :: Rushmore : ????
a) The OC
b) Dawson's Creek [CLARK'S NOTE: I made this analogy in "The Life Aquatic with Thaddeus Venture" thinking it a particularly bold statement that certain film buffs would rail against. Nobody did. Hell, nobody seems to have remembered it, as no one got this right.]
c) Two Guys, A Girl, and a Pizza Place
d) Venture Bros.
e) Ed [CLARK'S NOTE: Kate guessed Ed, stating that this was "clearly a trick". I still have no idea what she meant by that.]
15) On which night is The Rum Bandit most likely to strike?
a) Monday
b) Tuesday [CLARK'S NOTE: That's when Granny has her weekly Mary Kay meeting, remember?]
c) Wednesday
d) Thursday
e) Friday
16) In which Montana town does "The Secret Origin of Clark" take place?
a) Billings
b) Helena
c) Great Falls
d) Missoula
e) Butte
[CLARK'S NOTE: Another one that no one got right. Most people guessed Billings. Only Kate guessed Missoula, which I really wish was the answer only because I think it would have been cool if I'd first become Clark in Missoula, only to become him once more in Mizzou.]
17) "What If the Amazing Spider-Man was Black?" is...
a) The Third Short Story by L. F. Clark
b) The Fourth Short Story by L. F. Clark
c) The Fifth Short Story by L. F. Clark
d) The Sixth Short Story by L. F. Clark
e) The Seventh Short Story by L. F. Clark
[CLARK'S NOTE: Will was the only one who got this right. I'm not sure if he knew this, guessed it, or deduced it with his working knowledge of the creative writing major. To be honest, I didn't know the answer to this question when I came up with it, I just remembered that I'd put it down somewhere on the blog.]
18) Which is Clark's favorite Wilson brother?
a) Luke
b) Owen
c) Andrew
d) Sam
e) Wade
[CLARK'S NOTE: Only Will got this one right. I have publicly stated that I used to prefer Luke, but now like Owen more, and consider this to be a sign of maturity. And yet, Luke was the popular choice. Prewitt picked "Wade," as "Wade Wilson" is the secret identity of Deadpool (actually, it isn't, but that's a little too complicated to get into) and he figured that I liked Deadpool way more than I liked I-Spy. Which is true, but the question is "Which is Clark's favorite Wilson brother?" not "Which guy with the name Wilson does Clark like more?" Hey, I figured that there were several questions Caleb would get right simply from having read comics. This is the one where that very knowledge worked against him.]
19) What is the theme song to "Tobey & Clark"?
a) Ben Folds Five, "Evaporated"
b) William Shatner, "Real"
c) Jet, "Hold On"
d) Wilco, "Theologians"
e) Electric Light Orchestra, "Mr. Blue Sky"
[CLARK'S NOTE: Will was the only one who got this one.]
20) What city has Clark always wanted to run away to?
a) Metropolis, Illinois
b) Pella, Iowa
c) Forest Hills, Queens
d) Teaneck, New Jersey
e) Hollywood, California
[CLARK'S NOTE: This was a question I wrote with Woodward in mind. Since he didn't turn in an answer sheet, nobody got this one right. Most people guessed Metropolis, Illinois, despite the fact that I've never written about Metropolis, ever... Okay. Maybe once. But I've mentioned the tiny Dutch settlement of Pella on a number of occasions, I swear.]
21) How many times did Clark see Spider-Man 2 in theaters?
a) 5
b) 6
c) 7
d) 8
e) 9
[CLARK'S NOTE: Kate was the only one who missed this, which I find disappointing since part of the reason I saw the movie 8 times was so that I would have spent more time in a theater watching this movie than she spent in a theatre watching Titanic so I could "put her in her place" by proving I love Spider-Man 2 more than she loves Titanic. So of course, she didn't even notice. But considering her guess was "7", maybe she's just living in denial...]
22) Which of the following bloggers did NOT have a link to their blog during the celebrated Post-It Note era?
a) Caleb [CLARK'S NOTE: Though clearly, I had one at the ready should it ever be necessary]
b) Mel
c) Jacobs
d) Will
e) J-Dub
23) When is Brick Day?
a) February 25
b) April 13
c) September 1
d) October 14
e) December 26
[CLARK'S NOTE: "Six AM, day after Christmas..." This is almost more of a Ben Folds Five question than a L. Clark's Blog question. And if that's the case, Prewitt's the only Ben Folds Fivespotter in the house.]
24) Which episode of Seinfeld truly made Clark a Seinfeld fan?
a) "The Contest"
b) "The Opposite" [CLARK'S NOTE: Jacobs guessed this one, and I have to say, it's a pretty good pick. This was one of my early Seinfeld episodes, and it remains on of my favorites.]
c) "The Race"
d) "The Junior Mint" [CLARK'S NOTE: As explained in "The Secret Origin of Clark", making the Dolores - clitoris connection is the closest thing I'll have to a bar mitzvah]
e) "The Betrayal"
25) When did Clark first come up with the idea of doing a Prowler series for Marvel?
a) while running
b) while shampooing a carpet
c) while watching Training Day
d) when he saw a picture of TV on the Radio
e) what the hell are you talking about?
[CLARK'S NOTE: Only Kate got this one right. While a picture of TV on the Radio helped inform my current Prowler concept and I came up with the pivotal scene of issue #2 ("Ultimate Negro Team-Up," which is inspired by Training Day) while running, I first thought about doing a Prowler series during the summer I was working as a janitor for Columbia Public Schools.]
26) Which song did Duk-El of Krypton want to use in a Smallville-based music video?
a) Radiohead, "Sail to the Moon" [CLARK'S NOTE: A popular choice, which is weird because, while I have this album, I don't remember this song at all, and picked it because the title sounded vaguely plausible.]
b) Foo Fighters, "Next Year"
c) Ben Folds Five, "Air"
d) Wilco, "Airline to Heaven"
e) what the hell are you talking about?
[CLARK'S NOTE: Only Jacobs got this one right.]
27) Which of the following items was NOT part of Clark's "pile of junk to bring happiness", but probably should have been?
a) a pair of overalls
b) a bike
c) a bag of double-stuft oreos
d) a new pair of glasses
e) what the hell are you talking about?
[CLARK'S NOTE: You know how some teachers will throw a question out if enough people don't get it right? I thought about doing that with all of the questions that nobody got right... until I discovered that nobody got this one right. Here's the thing: the post that contains this information directly proceeds the post that contains the test. All anybody had to do was scroll down and spend three or four minutes looking it over. The fact that nobody bothered to do so -- in fact, Prewitt made special note of the ease with which he could have looked this one up, as well as his refusal to do so "on general principle" -- led me toward a more "fuck you guys" kind of philosophy about the whole thing.]
28) Put the following books from the Little Black Duck series in chronological order (ignoring the time-trotting nature of Time Quack which should technically place it first and last, alpha & omega).
c) The Unhappy Duckling
e) For All the Laughter That Lies Ahead
a) Duck Days of Summer
d) Time Quack
b) Along Came a Spider
[CLARK'S NOTE: Actually, now that I think about it, I eventually decided that "For All the Laughter That Lies Ahead" takes place concurrently with "Time Quack," but this is the order I listed them in "The Death of the Little Black Duck". Besides, it's not like this mattered. Hell, the only testees who even remembered that "The Unhappy Duckling" was the first book were Adam and Will, which I found ironic considering the fact that I'm pretty sure they've never had a chance to read a Little Black Duck Tale, while Kate and Caleb have actually read "The Unhappy Duckling".]
29) Name the restaurant in front of which Stan Lee gets shot in the pilot episode of Tobey & Clark.
a) Golden Lion
b) Golden Tiger
c) Golden Dragon
d) Golden Spider
e) what the hell are you talking about?
[CLARK'S NOTE: Yeah. This is a pretty tough one. Prewitt got it right, but we all know it was just a lucky guess.]
30) Clark watches a lot of cartoons. Which one has he never mentioned being a fan of?
a) Recess
b) Fillmore!
c) Teen Titans
d) Spongebob Squarepants
e) Samurai Jack
[CLARK'S NOTE: This was one of two questions that everybody got right.]
31) What will Clark never forgive Kate Hudson for?
a) Alex & Emma
b) Almost Famous
c) Gossip
d) How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days [CLARK'S NOTE: Comics... on the bathroom floor. Oh the super-humanity!]
e) Le Divorce
32) True or false: Clark has written an entry based on the title of every episode of Ed. [CLARK'S NOTE: Everybody missed this one. I did back to back entries for the first three seasons of Ed, but I didn't get around to doing season four, because I never really accepted the fact that there was a season four.]
33) Which of the following comic book icons was NOT set to appear in a Little Black Duck story before Clark quit uni-ball pens cold turkey?
a) The Incredible Hulk [CLARK'S NOTE: Was going to be the Avengers' secret weapon.]
b) Wolverine [CLARK'S NOTE: Was going to pop up when the Avengers returned from space and start dating Erin Turtle.
c) John Constanine [CLARK'S NOTE: Was going to explain that Penny and the Duck's house was haunted.]
d) The Thing
e) Doctor Strange [CLARK'S NOTE: Would have broken the mystical seal on the Haunted House of Blood.]
34) In the Little Black Duck universe, the Black Panther is actually...
a) The Little Black Duck from the future
b) A clone of the Little Black Duck
c) The Little Black Duck from an alternate universe
d) A clone of the Little Black Duck from the future
e) A clone of the Little Black Duck from the future of an alternate universe
[CLARK'S NOTE: Only Will got this one right. "E" was a popular choice because, as Caleb put it, "that's the most ridiculous, and let's face it, that was a pretty ridiculous situation".]
35) Clark has regaled us with many tales of his odd jobs over the last two years. Where has he NOT worked during the tenure of this blog?
a) Target
b) Worlds of Fun
c) Columbia Public Library [CLARK'S NOTE: I got fired from that job well before I started blogging.]
d) Campus Dining Service
e) McDavid Front Desk
36) Which Hollywood starlet takes Clark's "man flower" in the pilot episode of Tobey & Clark?
a) Kate Hudson
b) Alexis Bledel
c) Katie Holmes
d) Maggie Gyllenhaal [CLARK'S NOTE: It's not an inciting incident in the typical McKee style, but it's the best I got. Hell, it's the crux of the whole episode! Tobey's hungry cause he's worn out from all the sex. Jake swears revenge on them because they tag-teamed his sister.]
e) Kirsten Dunst
37) The longest living Clark family pet was a cat. What was its name?
a) Mookie [CLARK'S NOTE: Only Caleb and Kate got this right. They're also the only ones who've been to my house, which may have a little something to do with it.]
b) Oliver [CLARK'S NOTE: This is our current cat, who hasn't been around half as long as Mookie was.]
c) Streaky [CLARK'S NOTE: This is actually the name of Superman's cat, the feline answer to Krypto.]
d) Crazy Legs [CLARK'S NOTE: This is the name of my dad's welsh corgy who died a few years ago.]
e) what the hell are you talking about?
38) Which Marvel Comics character is the focus of "What If the Amazing Spider-Man was Black?"
a) Spider-Man
b) The Prowler
c) Black Panther [CLARK'S NOTE: Forget the title. The first line is "You've got to save the Black Panther," and the whole backdrop of the story is the cancellation of the series.]
d) Luke Cage
e) what the hell are you talking about?
39) What's the longest period of time Clark's gone without updating his blog?
a) an hour
b) a day
c) a week
d) a month
e) a year
[CLARK'S NOTE: Only Prewitt remembered the month-long build-up to "The Secret Origin of Clark".]
40) According to an episode of Dharma and Greg, Clark is currently in his...
a) third incarnation
b) fourth incarnation [CLARK'S NOTE: Supposedly it takes seven years for your body to replace every molecule of your body. Still not sure if I buy this, but if it's true, then I've completely replaced myself three times (as have most of you) and am currently in "Clark Body #4". Prewitt got this one, too.]
c) fifth incarnation
d) sixth incarnation
e) what the hell are you talking about?
41) Clark once had a dream that Robin William was God. Who was the devil?
a) Schwartz
b) Walburn
c) Tuttle
d) Maynard
e) what the hell are you talking about?
[CLARK'S NOTE: Another one that only Caleb got right. Jacobs picked "c" like any good FIG kid would. Will's not a good FIG kid. He picked "d". Who knows why? Kate picked "e" which I think more points to the fact that she hates when people tell her about their weird dreams. I just hate that whenever you tell someone one of your dreams, it makes them remember that they had a weird dream and they usually interrupt your dream story to tell theirs.]
42) According to Clark, how many degrees do you need to turn to virtually disappear at a really crowded party?
a) 10
b) 15
c) 20
d) 25
e) 30
[CLARK'S NOTE: Only Kate got this one right. Was it a lucky guess or did she actually remember this entry? Who knows? Who cares?]
43) True or false: Clark prefers Kill Bill Vol. 2 to Vol. 1.
[CLARK'S NOTE: This is the other question that everybody got right.]
44) According to Frank Kralc, which Lenar Clark character was most likely to get a Wizard Fan Award for Best Supporting Character?
a) Brent Jones
b) Caleb Prewitt
c) Erin Tuttle
d) Kate Jeffries
e) Melissa Maynard
[CLARK'S NOTE: Only Kate got this one right, but she admitted that it was a choice made mostly by vanity. Interestingly enough, the most popular choice was "a," which I kind of take to mean that if there was a Wizard Fan Award for Best Supporting Character in Lenar Clark, Jones would win and Kate would lose.]
45) True or false: There has been a time in which Clark has posted twice in the same day.
[CLARK'S NOTE: Generally, I have a rule against doing so. Don't ask me why, I like to make these little things up. (It's why every panel of the Clarky series has narration, whether it needs it or not.) However, I posted twice on the day I switched to this template (it was required to get the comments working) and I accidentally posted twice on July 23, 2003, once at 1:40 AM and again at 11:54 PM, thinking the fact that I finished in the early hours of the next day would seperate them. I didn't realize the error until it was far too late for changing the time to have any meaning for me.]
46) According to a drunk and depressed Clark, the one question this blog is constantly asking over and over is...
a) Am I the only person in the world who's generally curious as to what the hell Jaleel White is doing these days?
b) So the fuck what?
c) Will I always be alone?
d) Am I the Ultimate Spider-Fan?
e) what the hell are you talking about?
[CLARK'S NOTE: For the record, I've decided that from now on, this blog is in fact, going to try to answer "So the fuck what?" I bet the answer's 42.]
47) The single best day of Clark's life involved...
a) Having only slept two or three hours
b) Flying a kite
c) Being drunk before five
d) Leaving Columbia
e) what the hell are you talking about?
[CLARK'S NOTE: Nobody got this one right, either. Caleb and the FIG kids guessed "a" and Kate guessed "c". I have stated that some of my best days are ones in which I'm drunk before five or have only slept two or three hours (or both), but the single best day of my life was when I flew a kite at the St. Bernadette's May Day Afternoon.]
48) If Clark ever wrote and directed a movie, he'd like the exit music (for the film) to be...
a) Radiohead, "Motion Picture Soundtrack"
b) Billy Bragg & Wilco, "Another Man Done Gone"
c) Ben Folds Five, "Lullabye"
d) Rhett Miller, "Come Around"
e) what the hell are you talking about?
[CLARK'S NOTE: This was the only time that "what the hell are you talking about?" was the answer. The real answer is Ben Folds Five, "Don't Change Your Plans". I mentioned this once before, and I think it can be inferred from the synopsis of "Little Brown Boy Blues" when I explain that this is the song that plays over the credits.]
49) What is Clark's favorite month?
a) April
b) December
c) July
d) March
e) October
50) How does Clark want to die?
a) in his sleep
b) in a snow field
c) in the throws of passion
d) in the spring of his 33rd year on a cross
e) what the hell are you talking about?
[CLARK'S NOTE: Kate and Prewitt got this right. Will guessed "c," which I guess means he thinks I'm pretty hard-up (no pun intended) and Adam guessed "d" which I guess means he thinks I'm out of my fucking mind. They're both right, just not about the question.]
51) If Clark had done a cartoon for the Maneater, he would have titled it...
a) Pseudologica Fantastica
b) Sticky Situations
c) Ducking Out
d) No Tiptoe Through the Tulips
e) Inaction Comics
[CLARK'S NOTE: The FIG kids got this right. Caleb and Kate guessed "Inaction Comics." Prewitt told me I couldn't possibly tell him that "e" was wrong. Well "e" was wrong. God, I love spite.]
52) What is Clark’s favorite constellation?
a) Orion [CLARK'S NOTE: This has long been my favorite night time companion, which is why I gave thanks for it.]
b) The Big Dipper
c) Cassiopeia
d) Osidius the Emphatic
e) Ursa Major
[CLARK'S NOTE: Nobody got this right. What's interesting about that this time, however, is that no two people picked the same wrong answer, so each wrong answer was picked by a different person. Okay. Maybe that's not so interesting...]
53) Which of the sacraments is the only one that Clark "gets"?
a) Baptism
b) Confession
c) Communion
d) Confirmation
e) Last Rites
[CLARK'S NOTE: Prewitt and Jacobs got this right, but Kate and Will picked "Last Rites." Which means they both think I'm gonna be a deathbed repenter.]
54) Whose name has Clark vowed to work into any and everything he may get published?
a) Melissa Cooper
b) Melissa Ford
c) Melissa Maynard
d) Melissa Stuvall
e) Melissa Yoder
[CLARK'S NOTE: Another one that nobody got. Kate's comment on this one was "I forgot her last name but I would've gotten the first!" Again, I have little to no idea what that means. Prewitt guessed Maynard, and asked if the others were even real. They all are, with the exception of Melissa Yoder, and now that I think about it, I really feel like I've encountered a Melissa Yoder at some point in my life. Oh, and Melissa Cooper isn't a quasi-O.C. reference. It was the name of one of my bosses at The Ocho, though everybody called her Missy.]
55) When is Joe Kelly Day?
a) February 25 [CLARK'S NOTE: The anniversary of my first blog posting.]
b) April 13 [CLARK'S NOTE: Uh, Hellboy and Uma Thurman's birthday. No it's true. Look it up. That's all this date means to me, I swear.]
c) September 1
d) October 14 [CLARK'S NOTE: At some point, Tuttle and I decided this would be our wedding day? (Shit, how fucked up were we?) I later learned that she'd already set this date up with someone else she knew before me. I will be in no way surprised if she ends up actually marrying someone on this day. It's also the first day/chapter of "Time Quack," but if I've learned anything from this whole test experience, it's that nobody cares about Little Black Duck trivia.]
e) December 26
56) What does Clark consider to be the craziest month in which he's most likely to have romantic complications?
a) April
b) December
c) July
d) March
e) October
[CLARK'S NOTE: Everybody got this except for Kate.]
57) Clark's final college paper -- the last death-defying feat of the Daredevil English Major -- was an analysis of which author's work?
a) Anne Enright
b) Joe Kelly
c) Garth Ennis [CLARK'S NOTE: I coined the term "potato western." I live a strange life indeed.]
d) Michael Chabon
e) Christopher Priest
58) On which day did Clark claim he would leave Columbia?
a) Monday
b) Tuesday [CLARK'S NOTE: 'cause everyone knows now that every Monday night now will be Clark's last night in town...]
c) Wednesday
d) Thursday
e) Friday
[CLARK'S NOTE: Everybody got this one except for Kate, too. I wonder if the fact that Kate wasn't there when I first came up with the whole "I'm leaving on Tuesday" initiative might have something to do with this? Nope. Probably not.]
59) True or false: Clark is the ultimate Spider-fan.
[CLARK'S NOTE: Will and Kate both got this wrong, which I think was really sweet of them.]
60) Which of the following is NOT a character in "Little Brown Boy Blues"?
a) Fred Jones [CLARK'S NOTE: Noah's ex-wife.]
b) Tamara Easter [CLARK'S NOTE: Noah's pregnant co-worker.]
c) Eddie Walker [CLARK'S NOTE: Noah's boss at the comic book store and the son of an adult film mogul.]
d) Morgan Davis [CLARK'S NOTE: He's the kid who wanted Noah's job.]
e) Annie Waits [CLARK'S NOTE: I thought Annie Waits as a name was a stretch, but I didn't think anybody'd heard "Amelia Bright" or "Elvin Bishop" since they're not on any albums.]
61) Which Hollywood starlet does Clark meet in a strip club in the pilot episode of "Tobey & Clark"?
a) Kate Hudson
b) Alexis Bledel
c) Katie Holmes
d) Maggie Gyllenhaal
e) Kirsten Dunst
[CLARK'S NOTE: Only Will and Adam got this right.]
62) Who was NOT set to appear in Steve Urkel: Spider-Man?
a) Lana Lang [CLARK'S NOTE: She would have been the girl next door.]
b) Rory Gilmore [CLARK'S NOTE: She would have been an intern at the Daily Bugle.]
c) Samuel Powers [CLARK'S NOTE: Also known as "Screech", he would have been Steve's class rival, and eventually would have become Venom.]
d) Joey Potter [CLARK'S NOTE: Huh. Didn't realize I had two Katie Holmes answers right next to each other until now...]
e) Penny Lane [CLARK'S NOTE: Penny would have been present during the big Avengers crossover.]
63) Who was the first to apothesize the future Mrs. Clark?
a) Schwartz
b) Walburn
c) Tuttle
d) Maynard
e) Jeffries
[CLARK'S NOTE: When in doubt, go with Walburn. I found it interesting that Kate assumed the answer was "e", although she doesn't know what apothesize means. I find it doubly interesting that she's quite right, because it isn't a real word (as opposed to, say, apotheosize).]
64) Which super villain gave Clark the most trouble while playing Spider-Man: The Movie on his sister's X-Box?
a) The Green Goblin
b) The Scorpion
c) Kraven the Hunter
d) Doctor Octopus [CLARK'S NOTE: This was the most popular answer, despite the fact that Ock's not even in the Spider-Man: The Movie game.]
e) The Shocker
65) Clark is obsessed with the career of Jaleel White. Who does he feel White should do a buddy-picture with to rehabilitate his career?
a) Tobey Maquire [CLARK'S NOTE: Prewitt pointed out that I spelled his name wrong. Speaking of wrong, Prewitt guessed this. HA! How do you like them apples, Prew-Prew?!]
b) Adam Brody
c) James Van Der Beek [CLARK'S NOTE: I suggested they be in a CBS drama together, and claimed that they could play brothers.]
d) Morgan Freeman
e) Kate Jeffries
66) In the obligatory scene of "Little Brown Boy Blues," Joe Kelly tells Noah Brown "there are things in your past that you just can't go back to... They were great and wonderful, but they're gone..." Where did Clark get this line from?
a) A Joe Kelly comic.
b) one of his professors [CLARK'S NOTE: Speer Morgan, to be exact.]
c) quoted it from an episode of Ed
d) he's not a hack; he made it up himself
e) what the hell are you talking about?
[CLARK'S NOTE: Kate was the only one to get this one right. To their credit, Will and Adam thought that I had the spark and imagination to come up with this type of profound wisdom on their own. Prewitt, of course, knew better. And it certainly sounds like the type of lesson you'd see in an episode of Ed.]
67) True or false: Clark may not be lucky with ladies, but he's lucky with cards.
[CLARK'S NOTE: I lost money on a Spider-Man slot machine. There is no luck.]
68) Which issue of Joe Kelly's run on Action Comics contributed to Clark's fear of moving to New York?
a) Action Comics #761: "For a Thousand Years..."
b) Action Comics #764: "Quiet After the Storm"
c) Action Comics #775: "What's So Funny 'Bout Truth, Justice, and the American Way?"
d) Action Comics #784: "The Gift"
e) Action Comics #800: "A Hero's Journey" [CLARK'S NOTE: Not sure how fair this one was, as it requires a bit of inference, but fuck it. There's nothing you can do to stop me.]
69) How many times has the word "anyhoozle" been used on the blog (including its use to ask this very question)?
a) 14
b) 15
c) 16
d) 17
e) 18
[CLARK'S NOTE: Will got this one right, but he did come up with the question. Caleb got this one right, too, but he clearly guessed, and he expressed some concern as to just how I or anyone could possibly know this without sitting down and checking every entry. Blogger let's you run searches on your entries with the post manager. All I had to do was enter "anyhoozle", which I did on February 10th of this year to mark the anyhoozle I used that day as number 14. Since I'd already announced the test, and Will had publicly suggested this question, I figured people could take this as a cue to keep track as time went on. Seems fair to me.]
And there you have it. Hopefully you learned something. I know I sure did. I learned I'm a self-absorbed idiot... a lesson I seem to keep learning over and over again.
Now for all those useless stats some teachers like to give people for reasons no one really understands...
The test scores ranged from 16 (out of 69) to 39 (out of 69). The average score was 25, and only one person got more questions right than they got wrong.
That was, of course, Caleb. Caleb not only won, but he won by a margin of 14 points. As far as the Jeffries-Prewitt rivalry, he won by a margin of 17.5 points.
Will beat Kate, scoring 25 points to her 21.5.
I have, however, decided that everybody's a winner. While Caleb will win the three disc set of the "Year of the Duck," with customized covers, everybody else will get a lovely parting gift: they can pick any seventeen songs they want from "Year of the Duck," which I'll burn on a single disc for them. (Please note, a William Shatner song will be put on your disc. There's no getting out of that.)
Okay. That's it. Gotta say. I'm pretty worn out...
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